The Hidden Cameras - In the NA

And its an empty feeling. This is a small vacuum inside an ever present tornado, but still- you attached. And its gone from you. The writing was on the wall for 5 years, deservedly so, but its actually happened. Its more the feeling after throwing up. Post purge. You want the best for them. And look- history show, this just isn't the place to be. Now the we burned the fields, and replanting the seeds. This could go quicker than 17 years, but we're already 17 years into the drought. This shouldn't make sense. But kids, you have so much for me to live up to, which isn't a lot.

----- signed,

BuccosFan8510

Shoulders, Ears: In the NA

this wasn't an entry: this was mental anguish

Six Organs of Admittance - Luminous Night

"You know what this place needs? An awning. A big awning. Like a box awning to let people know that, hey, we don't need the sky- we're a place. An awning to end all awnings. An awning that extends to the sidewalk, that can shade people who lock their bikes to that fence around that tree. An awning that people who are stupid and don't look at the weather report and don't bring umbrellas can wait til it passes under. An awning that makes people think there is sometimes a line here, that makes them think, this place has awning money. An awning that shields from the hypocrisy and from the dirt and the grime and the amber polish that plagues are commerce depleted terretria in hopes of new light, and a glory foretold by the ones that brought us here. This is are time, this is what an awning can do for us."

"But we're on the 4th floor."

No don't, save it for later: River of Heaven

Ass Candy: ButtMunch

Yo La Tengo - Popular Songs

Lose weight now! Buy bigger pants. Take pictures of you and your friends jumping up with arms out in front of a mountain. Buy the same type of juice everyday, making sure to hold it prevalent for those passing by to see. Always smile in your work out clothes. Walk on sidewalks having a conversation. Have a white backdrop to talk to central figures at. Find pictures of yourself with longer hair and not smiling, and put them next to pictures of yourself smiling with a cleaner haircut. Read a magazine with a non famous person on the cover. Make sure your kitchen has windows. Have multicolored dishes. Know what seeds taste like. Sleep around. Look good. Be good at your job. Be good at everything you do.

Its relative: By Twos

Cool Whip: cuz Jesus was too hot

Why? - Eskimo Snow

Its day 2 of the Calderton Colby Mustard. This year's activity actually is is very very beneficial to the townsfold and to the enviroments and the town's folk. Also a wolf and for the Showtime family of networks. This year they are disassembling the town Windmill and coating it in a lacquer so that when teenagers climb to the top of it and pee, the windmill won't smell. Its Calderton tradition for young males, after their first kill, to climb the windmill in glory and then defecate it in awe. Nowdays, teens just piss out when they need a place to piss after sucking each other's dicks. Note: girls take shits on the steps of the old town hall which is now a optometrist, which they have a handicap ramp anyway so no one cares. I mean its girls pooping, its a tourist trap.

down pep: Even the Good Wood Gone

General Off Switch: a punch to the heart

you know what song is stuck in my head?

Quiet Please

POST TOAST!

You're toast. 

Signed,

A Stranger

Blog Entry

Celebrities that I think are dead and are hereby "reporting" them as such

Raggedy Ann

Chaucer

Hugh Hefner (that one is a choice)

Frankie Muniz

Half of Oprah

Ralph Lauren

Bill Frist

American Idols Season 3

Whoever played Rhoda (I should know this... Valerie Harper!)

Ossie Davis

Richard Schiff

Schiffie Davis

Osshard Richie

Jonny Lee Miller TV's Eli Stone

Shane West

James Franco after Freaks and Geeks before Spiderman because that was basically Shane West

Anyone named Hope

Any celebrated lake

any treatment with a 1-800 number

Anyone from Guns N Roses who wasn't referenced in a Weezer song

Good Taste

The 4th Wall

Asians who don't speak english well

Asians who don't pretend to speak english well

Safety First

Safety Second

90s band Dope (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmJIXTAxUsE)

The Cat in the Hat

Any Frosting Spokeperson

Lyle Overbay (thats for you, Lyle Overbay)

I'm reviewing a blog entry: Get it?

I Could keep going: But its best to stop when I have an agenda

Cold Cave - Love Comes Close

fade to black. cuts to: a fat farmer and a skinny farmer in a lab.. wide angle to show lighting. ceiling fans. sweeping shot to show entire room. zoom in on the space between them. cut to close up on fat farmers chest, pan down to crotch, camera moves quickly to skinny farmer's crotch, back and forth these, back and forth. quick zoom out- revealing the farmers in makeup. opera song begins to play. cut to: opening of  a drawer- it is full of dead bees and 4 neckties in different shades of gray. cut to: another opening of a drawer, more suspensful music starts to play, in the drawer are two mini people practicing karate in old denver broncos sweatshirts and overtly baggy pants. cut to: human eye. dissolve into the making of a fisherman's hat (gilligan's hat). quick cut montage (1.2, no 0.9 second cuts) of hats morphing into other hats finally into the straw hat the skinny farmer is wearing. Piano Version of Stand by REM plays as the 2 farmers take pills (close up on eyes, pull back showing 2 farmers in the lab, close up on the hands, pull back again, close up on mouths taking pills). Pull back camera so the 2 farmers heads are in the bottom frame- play image on space above them: mexican 20 something putting gel on his hair to spike it up, close up on the spiking, concentrate on the spiking- cut to him walking in office with high powered business suit on being handed reports to him as he walks, cut to him laughing at a meeting, cut to him sitting in a busy area eating a salad from a clear plastic container, he checks his watch, takes a bite then leaves, cut to him sneezing at a power point presentation, cut to him on the ride home, pull back so he is at the bottom of his screen (2 farmers still being at the bottom) with image over him of the fat farmer ass fucking the skinng farmer- biting the skinny one's shoulder, skinny one with palm of his thumb pressing in his own mouth. BLUNT METAL DOOR CLOSING NOISE. Black screen reads: you can make your own viagra. paid for by men. SCENE.

Buoyancy: Heaven was Full

This The State DVD: thank some Lord

Shark Slayer - Don't Go Into the Water

I fell in love with this girl... it was at a rock show:

her: "what?"

me: "I don't know"

Fits the New Black: Fleshlighter

Modern Woman Olympics: Wheeling Your Luggage

Skygreen Leopards - Gorgeous Johnny

The what I believe to be true story of the 2 virgins on their wedding night: the conservative bride who doesn't believe she is settling and the overweight, over zealous deaf groom experiencing the opposite sex for the first time PART 6- Jill Anne thru the tears. signs to her husband "Tyson, I threw up as soon as it touched me". At that Tyson came. He watched it slide down Jill Anne's leg. Jill Anne was still crying, and when she noticed the semen on her ankle, she stood up to yell, but a queef went out. Jill Anne became disgusted with her body. She looked at Tyson's hairy belly, his penis looking like her big toe when it got stuck by the bee- swollen and red with sweat. Why is she human, why is she supposed to have sex? She was crushed by his weight and violated by his member... is this how sex is supposed to be? Jill Anne started to cry again, but heard another fart sound. Did she queef again? No- it was Tyson, and he wasn't aware how loud it was. They were both naked and afraid in a room that smelled like farts. Jill Anne took this all in. This is love. She convinced herself. It was less than 40 seconds, she could handle that she said. She threw up one more time. Tyson lay asleep. She queefed in his face. Jill Anne noticed a little blood squirt out. She thought it was better this way.

I'm done now: Inland Towns

I swear I'll: Grow it out

The Peekers - Life in the Air

The what I believe to be true story of the 2 virgins on their wedding night: the conservative bride who doesn't believe she is settling and the overweight, over zealous deaf groom experiencing the opposite sex for the first time PART 5- Tyson in a daze, sees Jill Anne's mouth move. Oh, the things he dreams up that she isn't really saying. Whatever she said, fell on deaf ears. I should've rephrased that. But eyes closed, heart racing, penis throbbing, Tyson thrusts forward. He feels a warmth come over him. He feels a vibration on his ears. Eyes still closed, he raises up, and falls back down in. The ear vibrations become faster. He now feels Jill Anne's passion. Her arms caressing rapidly all over his body. Tyson finds himself in a pleasure coma. He thrusts he thrusts he thrusts. His penis bigger, veinier than it has ever been. He feels the sweat drip off Jill Anne's face onto his chin. Tyson was at the peak enjoyment of his life. He wanted to sign to Jill Anne- he wanted to know they were sharing the best experience of their lives. The vibration still in his ears, Jill Anne's hands all over him... Tyson opens his eyes. Jill Anne is wailing, and now he see's that she is yelling STOP and she is slapping his body, not caressing him. He sees tears in her eyes, he sees her face red, he sees how hard it is for her to breath. He sees the damage done. A shotty vagina with small welts around it, a crying women in pain, and the love he first experienced 30 seconds ago shattered.

Leather fashions in the 00s: Your Morning Toast

Soft Hands: Concentrate

Blues Control - Local Flavor

The what I believe to be true story of the 2 virgins on their wedding night: the conservative bride who doesn't believe she is settling and the overweight, over zealous deaf groom experiencing the opposite sex for the first time PART 4- Tyson, now naked, hoped his nakedness would give Jill Anne the idea of what to do next. Jill Anne wanted to leave her shirt on, but after several minutes of awkward looking, gave in and was stripped down to her bra. Tyson made several attempts to draw attention to his erect penis, but his deafness just made him seem scarily horny. Jill Anne grew uncomfortable but, let the man start kissing her face. Jill Anne was scrunched and not kissing much back up until the point where Tyson managed to hit Jill Anne's mouth with a kiss. She liked it. She let her her death grip on the blanket slack some. She kissed back. Tyson took it as a challenge. Jill Anne tightened her grip. Tyson took it as more of a challenge, and pulled up the blanket, revealing a cross legged scrunched up, crooked pubed, untanned, never before seen- shy little vagina. In the following exuberance, men will become men and women will become desperate.

Shelving Unit: On Through the Night

Cable TV: is really trying

Foreign Capitols - Elegance in Negligence

The what I believe to be true story of the 2 virgins on their wedding night: the conservative bride who doesn't believe she is settling and the overweight, over zealous deaf groom experiencing the opposite sex for the first time PART 3- How does Tyson bring it up? How does he let Jill Anne know that for the first time in his life he is expecting, nay, ready- to have sex? Tyson nervously grabs Jill Anne's hand. Jill Anne shutters and fills goosebumps, she starts rubbing her knees together, she can feel a flop sweat coming on. Is this how she is supposed to feel? Is this uncomfortableness apart of the experience? Have his feet always had those callouses? Jill Anne realized she was stalling when she looked over and saw Tyson's erect penis. She gave that to him. She was the cause of this happiness. Jill Anne wasn't thinking of herself now. She coyly snuggles up to him. Tyson- now with an overt sense of confidence- points his right finger out, bends his left pointer to his left thumb and puts the right finger between the two, he moves his head to Jill Anne and says in what he considers a whisper, "Leh-TTs faokk."

I am really stretching this out: Bitter Half

Moby?: He can get stoned by Obie

Jackie-O-Motherfucker - Ballads of the Revolution

The what I believe to be true story of the 2 virgins on their wedding night: the conservative bride who doesn't believe she is settling and the overweight, over zealous deaf groom experiencing the opposite sex for the first time PART 2- Jill Anne came out of the bathroom of the Howard Johnson in a high school band trip t-shirt and a pair of adidas shorts. Plain with the logo on the one leg. Tyson was already waiting in bed, under the sheet, after he decided putting both the sheet and blanket over him would give her the wrong impression. Just the sheet. Just the sheet means business. Upon her emergence from the bathroom, which was adjacent to the tv, Tyson turned off Deadliest Catch to force home the idea in Jill Anne's head. Jill Anne was nervous, she knew that she would go over there, he would notice she had just brushed her teeth. Tyson didn't know if he was nervous. He just knew he was in the same bed with someone whose boobs he wanted to see. He thought of his sign language teacher assisstant, and how her sweaters would cling to her breasts and when she taught him how to conjugate verbs how they bounced. Tyson was ready, and regardless of how Jill Anne was feeling, he was going to put his penis in a girl tonight. Jill Anne looks at Tyson... a rush of dryness comes over her. She feels her vagina lips suck up. She sits on the edge of the bed. She turns to Tyson, and says, "What were we just watching?"

Smattering of Persistence: Dark Falcon

Safari Way: Leave Love LeeLaa- in my hands

Florence and The Machine - Lungs

The what I believe to be true story of the 2 virgins on their wedding night: the conservative bride who doesn't believe she is settling and the overweight, over zealous deaf groom experiencing the opposite sex for the first time PART 1-  Though nervous Jill Anne seemed to care of his feelings since being raised Christian- she thought the man's needs were far superior to hers and believed this was her pre determined destiny. She was also curious to know what a penis was, seeing that the closest she has ever come to a naked man was her imagination of Jesus on the cross. But deep down inside her, she was so scared, which made her pussy nerves even more sensitive. What she was afraid of was not the crippling guilt of sex for the first time nor the crippling pain of sex for the first time- but the fact that she had no idea what she was doing. Tyson on the other hand had masturbated twice a week since age 12 deluding himself to think he was a sex machine. He also once watched a porno with headphones on so he can her the vibrations of the screaming. Though he was raised conservative Christian- this only meant that he was super super horny.

The Technical Merits of the word 'sewing machine': My Boy Builds Coffins

I always forget: how ugly Martha Stewart is

Grass Widow - Grass Widow

Lets get high washed down with iodine from a barrel wash it down with a phone call from daryl almost three x's call it 2 and some change almost T at a P for our QRS our incidence, our crossword hints like "shannon who should've been" 8 letters: Sossamon, call her agent, call her fat, call Ebenezer's cat Matt cuz its a common name designed to be unimaginitve, though from the bible, like nothing ever has done that before, Not because its latent, Not because we can't afford the port, and Not because we owe lumber from our slips and slices squeeled wise on the widest wagon racer with the widest wagon with the wagginest waste management techniques from our break up upto the breakdown of northern upholstery cuz in the south we call it Southern Remedy and it refers to a vengeance of different sharp colors and shoulder pains from resting our muskets there and rusting our musket's fear, for when the fear goes away all that we have left is 'heck no we won't go' and 'listen large and carry a pig dick' cuz when the going gets wool the eyes get itchy which there are no qualms to, no queefs to airy to dust a pussy puff over the gap teeth from your inbred lesbo daughter to the lesbo military ticks living in bread for which when you find one in your stool you count as good luck, as good as luck as you can get from your history of adopting rain men to sell your lice remedies as hard drugs only because you mix it with cocaine you found after you killed all those indians which really isn't what we are supposed to call them but we can since its called the spoils gone the winner and there were scenes in peter pan that allows me to interpret skin color on my own, and there is no need for this APR financing we plan on hollowing out our collarbones and if not ours when and when not ours Farr's... Jaime Farr the best round of super password you have ever seen from someone who need not to be there, the sun comes up and I still don't any more words other than HEY and JEALOUSY, its your move to recognize the our collective absorbency by peeing in my mouth so use a funnel cuz I don't believe in goggles or anything that tight around that wet of my upper half of my body and when you fully commit to the face you are making in  the ensuring picture let me know so I can show where that tambo-urine man carved his name into my cane. Its a loophole, hunk, get it?

I own a plane of such a smaller size: To Where

Booger Presley on the Mean Guitar: And a rap by little old me Lamar

Johann Johannsson - And In the Endless Pause There Came the Sound of Bees

I don't think they would play basketball in heaven. I think they might have for like a minute (a minute in heaven is like 1000 years on earth cuz ooo God knows what its worth). But basketball would make heaven explode. You wouldn't get tired and there would be no missed shots. There would be no gay overtones and showboating would be discouraged. You wouldn't get paid to do it and the heaven paparazzi doesn't care. God's basketball is also a baby brontosaurus mandible and the court is made of crosses. There is no real skill in heaven basketball, just an exercise in keeping up appearances and remembering old tattoos. "I used to have an egyptian onc tattoo, but heaven ya know?" Also fishing in heaven mainly consists of not remembering your heritage and re-learning how to talk. While jogging in heaven is knowing what jogging is. They do have Olympics in Heaven and that is mainly just not being attracted to anyone and fearing God. Thats what middle america is training for and they are doing a good job if you don't count the fact that they masturbate to photos of livestock=christian rock=two dudes sharing comfortably=grace=nike brand=The Hours=the connotations of islands=flugal sax smeth code #3=the correlation of dreaming and shedding= what children refer to the bad guy at the end of each level (BOSS)=I sure didn't.

You are a quarter cherokee, get off my land: The Flat

We Though of a Bandname: Dark Bichon

Hello Seahorse - Bestia

A man hugs with his forearms up against the person he is hugging. If the person the man is hugging is a bigger man- then he proceeds in a manner where the hug back received has the forearms touching above his. This is only when if the man initiates the hug. If the person is a man of smaller size then the proceeding hug should be grasped until either a faint squeak is heard from party hugged, or the hugging party rubs the fingers against the back such as one would stroke a guitar made of baby zombie (gentle but with a violent intent). If the hugee is the same size, then the arms should swooped downward intersecting at the elbows with the hug intiator on the outside unless they are related then there should be an equal elbow from each party on the outside. If there is a woman involved then all previous rules should met with pre arranged placement of the breasts. A suggestion would be for two women to alternate the breasts. When hugging a teenager it is suggested to picture hugging grain or seeds as to defer arousal. When hugging lettuce picture cabbage. When hugging in all caps use a sheath of lamb skin. When hugging who- how? When hugging Lauraleen Adams- call 1-800-weepy-cleavage. NOW GO!

Your mother is going back to Florida: Miercoles

What Crickets Do: Nothing to Scarves

Nomo - Invisible Cities

"Don't you hate getting the cramps? I mean its like get out of my way before I make you into a shelf to put my collectable crystal turtle shells on and discard the rest of your body! Its just like gimme that midol or I'm going to shove a stick down your throat to churn your insides into butter! Right, right...  every month I do this... right, right. It's like my insides are giving birth to the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard but the chalkboard has nerve endings and the fingernails are actually sharpened bones still attached to child burn victims. Its like I can't function without my coffee in mornings. But whoa- like a white blinding rage where I have no sense of my strength or conscience and I believe in the Suns of Xervna to obliterate non-believers of the 4th Triad of Verloorsna. Bloodbath, right!!! Haha, ohhhh. Like when I'm on the "dish-towel" (the carpet sample, the hair clippings glued together, the severed skunk tail) I just want wear these size XXXL jogging pants, throw up without feeling it, and watch the West Wing to make me really horny with at the same time curbing that horniness back down to throwing up. I mean, am I right ladies, am I right?"

Check your shocks, I hear some squeakin': Waiting

Hill William: Horse Dentist

Zs - Music of the Modern White

Cue the molten lava... aaaand ACTION!............................ cut, cut, cut, cut cut cut- CUT. I said molten lava. What kind of lava is this? I want molten! When Dom Embergerio wants La-va that is Molten, Dome Embergerio will get lava that is molten. I don't know what this is, this is some kind of huckleberry lava... like a stag party lava... THERES NO GLOW TO IT- no mystique... no molten. Molten lava shymies better. If I have to explain this to you, you might as well as start packing your bags and hope Service Merchandise comes back in business cuz you are going to be fired not like the lava you have provided. MOLTEN LAVA. Its probably the word most associated with lava. What you gave me is like standing lava, like stagnant lava, lava puddles a lava monster would go around on his daily lava jog to build his lava heart a lava rate. So can you get me molten? Try a volcano. Or that new store 'Be my Lava' I guess its a play on words but I don't get it, so your next task is to decipher it for me. But after you get me some molten lava. Alright? Now, go.

Same Day Review: as Pitchfork!

Untold Relationship Intrigue: Elmo and the Cookie Monster

The Fiery Furnaces - I'm Going Away (TAKE 2)

Saint Peter: "So Farrah, you made it to heaven- congrats, you'll fit right in here. That was a Charlie's Angels joke. But wow, to be honest, its really amazing to get such a cultural icon as yourself. We have a lot of fans of yours here in heaven and I just want to say that you are a.... sorry, excuse me... what? No! You serious? This is a joke c'mon. I'll believe it when I see it... Sorry about that miss Fawcett it was just... excuse me again... what now? OK ok, someone else just tried pulling that one on me... Geez Farrah, I apologize. I mean someone of your stature shouldn't be subject to these constant interrup-- Oh my, yes God... I understand sir... Of course, God... he'll really be here shortly?... HE'S COMING NOW?! OH MY YOU, OH MY YOU!  I see him now Lord, AHHHH! MICHAEL! MICHAEL!..... Oh go ahead in lady.

You Know What Caleb: Charmaine Champagne

DeJuan Blair: have at em, big boy

The Fiery Furnaces - I'm Going Away

I think we solved the energy crisis today. Celebrity icons pass away and we should all just concentrate on that. WHAT A LOVING TRIBUTE. Rib-ute would be a good night at Ruby Toosdoos. They can just have ribs shaped in the shape of loved family members. Women's Rib-eration: Woman can enjoy ribs together. That seems plausible. Why'd I leave that one so vague. I could of took it places, but just saying it and leaving it dumb was good. Why did I acknowledge that? Was it beautiful? Is that a question I should be asking? What did Bad Company sing? Is that a question I should try answering? Should I try and focus in on something. To reign in the LIGHT (foreshadowing). When America lets itself down by showing emotions- who should we turn to. When Tony brings a girl home but is messing things up who do we as Tony turn to? Who should we still be lucky to have, that encompasses the musical talents and introverted showmanship that was Farrah Fawcett with the flowing hair and 70s sex appeal that was Michael Jackson? Who is someone that you scrolled down already and saw? Who is someone that I saw today and laughed for about 10 hours? I mean you drive your car and you hit seed bumps and you think to yourself, what is this red liquid that burst out of the speed bump and why did the speed bump scream and why are there speed bumps on the beach. There are fat people dying all the time, and they are the ones affecting how you are going to be buried since they take up more room. Where was I? Oh right- Ladies and Gentler Men, Judith Light:

Angela Bower could have possibly been the Boss

Transformers: Cut the Cake

Good Day in the NBA: probably.

Sigur Ros - We Play Endlessly

O I am extremely proud of my kids. Kristoffus lives in Arcata, CA and he works as a secretary at a local optical solutions center in the 6th largest shopping center in the county. We see him about every 4 or 5 years, we usually fly out there to see him. Our youngest, Jezra Elaine is liberal. So we feel like part of us is liberal too, which is a fun new feeling to feel. She is in wardrobe at a news station in Grover, Alabama. Its right on the border, and the closest mall is in Georgia, so we don't think of her as an Alabaman. Our oldest child, Humphrey Lazlo Jr, still lives in Coram Shores, about 4 houses down. He would like to live closer. But he could only afford the apartment he lives in now. Its a nice apartment with a lot of shelves. He borrows our pots a lot to cook, and he now washes them, so we're proud. He is an entrepreneur. He works in mail order a lot, and has a job posting links in comments sections of different sites on the internets. Its great cuz we hear from him about once a day cuz he usually needs one of our credit cards or has to ship an item to our house. We also have satellite tv and get more channels than he does. He is currently planning a march of dimes. Grandkids? None yet. See we were afraid to talk to our children about sex, so I believe it really messed them up... mentally. O well, we are still so proud.

5 Foot Dollar Long: Vio Spilum Endalaust

Hon: Duras

Ume - Sunshowers EP

We're not looking for someone who cannot trace here, ya know what I mean? We want someone capable of tracing with a high talent level in the field... of tracing. I know this is a job where you simply look to see if how thick or thin our laminate machine laminates. But what we really want is someone who is good at the trace. Now, have you ever traced before? Do you have steady hands? Are you capable of looking thru paper? How hard do you press with a writing utensil? Again, none of these skills will qualify you for the job, but we want someone who can trace. OK? Now if you can go home and bring us back some examples of things you have traced- some silhouette outlines, maybe some ripped off works of art, or baby pictures. Now if you don't have any other questions other than why, we'll get on to the physical challenge portion of the interview.

That's some expenisve sugar, I mean for the net weight: The Conductor

It looks like a Hockey Jersey: But It says Ralph Lauren

You didn't blog today?

how come?

- the sun was in my eyes

- the sun grew eyes and looked at me with them into my eyes and unsurprisingly he has heat vision, therefore melted my eyes

- mr. sand man brought me a dream, it was the cutest i ever did see, and that dream was to have a knife for a penis and i fucked my way to being queen of the aptitude test ministered by Joe Brigman Testing Industry "Joe Briggman- adding G's all the time"

- the sun literally came down to earth and literally walked up to me, and jumped inside my retinas

-rain delay, Cubs 5, Rockies 4, BOT 5th- was on and I didn't want to miss it

-Brain delay... full force nudity funcationality blessed rooot garber funtonalli dis-press-cision the nordic track rafe parninny the nordic track rafe parninni parnizzi par nar neee ppppp nnnnn mnmnmm 

-I was writing commercials for flags

- you were already wet

-the country of Zimbabwe needed a hero, I was that hero

-my laugh was up for an audition to be a part in the Jay Leno audience

-my hair plugs finally took, though my butt plugs can still use some fine tuning

-I had a near death experience, so i just had to re-organize my netflix cue

-i was discovering the magic that is Dire Straits (truth)

-my son's penis was in my eyes

White Denim - Fits

Penny priest shoves a dollar in his million man march scars after slicing them open with discarded tennis ball shards after they were tested by being run over by roller coasters (fact: speed a roller coaster needs to half a tennis ball is 96 mph, the same speed in which a penguin beak can be used a dart), his hair- the intern of is body-  cross referenced his face and accidently made the mating signal for robins and the Slavic 'check please' signal- needles to say (HA!) the Slavic robins didn't notice, however the Slavic bird impersonator noticed (trying to impress a dean of students) but open acting- he tripped over and unplugged the computer plug, losing the data for the coast guard survey- will  he ever know if he is fit to be a coast guard? will he ever know that much about coast guards? will he get the free quesadilla counter he was promised after clicking the banner ad? All this and more at 11. (does this place take credit cards?)

Cut Backs The Musical: Sex Prayer

Season 2 of Flight of the Concords: Oh Yeah?

YACHT - See Mystery Lights

"we only have about fifteen minutes!"

"14 minutes."

"..............................................................................

................................................................................

.................................................................................

..................................................................................

...................................................................................

....................................................................................

.....................................................................................

..........................     .......................... .......

.......................................................................................

........................................................................................

.........................................................................................

..........................................................................................13 minutes"

Disposable Botanical Garden: We Have All We've Ever Wanted

My Last Facebook update: "once we figured out that they were indeed Bibles, they let the babies out."

The Drums - EP

I'm going to write your next couple twitter tweets for you:

-Funeral was too long for someone so short!

- "more power"- tool man

-is no longer supporting breast cancer awareness. just supporting breasts. (i'm a bra, bro)

-the mattress of the stars

-I need a Wicker Basket to be ALL PURPOSE- no more long handles, we went deeper troughs.

-Dave Chappelle wore corduroy in the 90s, make of it what you will

- new House of Payne tonight probably!

- OMG this drain never ends!

- chapped lips finals this weekend: mixing sand in all my koolaid

- just started the mini works of art store- already sold out of Frida Kahlos! Its for dollhouses/birdcages

-in a KFC, have a gun, hoping to educate about water conservation

-used life rafts are saving me so much $$$$

- @DavidFaustino, shave

-on the toilet, totally lost track of time, happens every time I break and enter

-can anyone draw me a swastika that doesn't look like a swastika? its for a tattoo

-if you think about it, every wall is a roof in a portapotty

-too cute, baby has a sex tape

- at the accident, Tweety really got Sylvester this time

Good Job Clyde: I'll Never Drop My Sword

Jugs: people call boobs this! 

So Cow - So Cow

You can't scratch diabetes. It must be another disease or 'fault' you must have. I am pretty sure that diabetes isn't why you are short either. I think its just your genetics, or again it is one of God's "jokes" he is playing on you. No, it would be my God, not yours. You can't go around blaming your problems, such as your retaining ankle weight, on the last medical condition you heard of. I mean you didn't even do research on Diabetes outside of listening to the Wilford Brimley commercial. It would've had a chance for an argument if you would've related his mustache and his diabetes to your rapid growing facial hair and your 'diabetes' but no- you went straight to your more 'pressing' problems. If you wanna get by in life, at least learn how to lie well. I'll tell you one thing though- this cotton candy is delicious. Well done, what is it made from? No! No- really? And to think all this time I've been avoiding tween pubes.

Chairs are too nice in Congress: Oh For Fuck's Sake

Didn't Work for Me: You'll Have That

The Most Serene Republic - And the Ever Expanding Universe

I think it'd be funny if a community came together and decided to only give out tootsie rolls on halloween. 

"Tootsie Rolls again? I have like 50 little tootsie roll pieces."

Night Gowns Half Off: No One Likes A Nihilist

Billy Idol Impressionist: Monet, Monet

Chris Garneau - El Radio

Thats just a great ocean. It has all the qualities I love in an ocean: wet, adjacent to land, part irish, doesn't finger stain from cheetos, is free, overweight but proud, stuck on the vest fad, chews gum slowly, sits with their knees tucked in, boyfriends, gets away with murder, can take a punch, can take a scissor stab, smells like cigarettes, great debater. I once saw this ocean make a spanish omelet with only 1 egg and some old chap stick. This ocean houses more missing people than your pussy ocean. This ocean graduated from over 16 dog obedience schools. Maybe ocean's born with it, maybe its maybeline. This ocean conquered the space king Zarthaneon in the year 560 AD. This ocean irons diapers and was the first woman with a short haircut. This ocean. This ocean. This ocean.

Know Your Product: No More Pirates

Medical Dramas: Nice Try

Discovery - LP

When I was your age- time was written on dogs in a cage. One was released every minute with a dog catcher catching the minutes passed dogs. This was a great system, proving to be too easy so they started letting out the dogs in different parts of the town making the time dog catcher's job even more eventful. It was a spectacle to witness. The system went debunk after he couldn't catch 2:44 pm one day and everyone kept thinking it was 2:44 pm. Turned out 2:44 pm was making its business with 11:07 pm and were found at 11:34 pm with 7:18 pm and the corpse of 2:50 pm. Still was a good system. Unless the time dog got wet. The times were written on the released dogs in washable marker, and sometimes if a dog wasn't caught within its designated minute the time would rub off or be smudged. If it was rubbed off the dog was free to go. This caused a lot of doubling up dogs with times. The towns folk would be confused and say "why is 1:18 out at 4:47?" If a time dog became smudged, he was put down because of poor work. Still was a good system though. When clocks became the standard, we just tied a whole lot of them to the time dogs and let the dogs roam free. The problem with that was our clocks were crudely made and usually started a fire on the dogs who were mobile enough on fire to spread it even quicker than wildfire. Thats why we use the term, 'spread faster than a time dog fire.' Its also why there are so few people in this town. 'Cuz of all the time dog ghosts haunting the village. Also- we don't keep track of time anymore.

The Smell of Marble to Marbles: So Insane

What I Stand for: Chairs

Tiny Vipers - Life on Earth

Hi Ho Turtle Doves, Caleb here. I know I don't usually 'break' from the assigned tone I made up and blatantly address you like this. BUT, something important has happened and I would just like to share some advice with you: Never Eat at a Thank Goodness Its Fridays in New York Stoned. Now- I can't speak for other Thank Goodness Its Friday establishments outside New York City, but all the ones here are tourist destinations. Therefore, vis a vi, they are riddled with the depressed run-off of employees who are toiled in the muck and mire by having to serve tourists who think they are out for a nice New York meal when they are at a fucking Thank Goodness Its Fridays (I'm not saying TGIF's because that is a nickname and nicknames are for friends and Thank Goodness Its Fridays is nooo friend of mine). But, man, having a 50 something middle eastern food runner just puts things in perspective. He came to this country- to work in a dank pit with shit nailed to the wall- to bring out food to me, this fucking stoned kid with a gift card who has blue juice all over my face and is dressed 2 steps above a homeless man? That's so sad. He most likely has a family, and this is what his son is seeing him as- the old guy who brings out food, who gets perentages of a tip? And the waitress- man, there was this foreign group (possibly Lithuanians) who kept hitting on the waitress and making her pose in funny pictures they took (peace signs, stick your tongues outs) and it was painfully clear to us at least that she got rejected from so many other jobs that this was the net that caught her. I'm sorry- we all have to get by- but it is good to know strip clubs have standards. And thats awful I say that, cuz I hve no fucking clue but that is what the situation is lending itself too. But, man, I was her peer. I am her peer. And when you have to hear from someone your own age that they want this shrimp wrapped in bacon, and then you have to brig it to them, and you see them eat it like a video in rewind of a bear vomiting... that job sucks. And I realize this as its happening, and man- it was sad. We were the only ones in the Thank Goodness Its Fridays at a point. Tuesday night, stoners eating at a restaurant after a family dressed in Miami Dolphins paraphernalia left a 10% tip.. good luck. Just never eat at a Thank Goodness Its Fridays stoned- its like eating remorse wrapped in melancholy with a high calorie count.

You were a mall for halloween: Young God

Wish for More Muscles: in your mouth

Valet - False Face Society

"Don't do it,  Johnny No Fingers! Don't palm him to death! He was only trying to sell us locks for our air conditioner which I believe is a good idea while the skunk-raccoon mixed species family that resides in our air conditioning unit is out for their Sunday stroll."

"But I got to."

"NO! Don't! Johnny No Fingers, noooo! I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it, and I am not saying that I don't love the skuncoon family who I have watched development into a cohesive family raising 2 wonderful boys. Sure they have their ups and downs, but thats family, ya know. I am simply suggesting it is in not the right mind frame to palm this man to death, because it takes forever for you to do so."

"I'm gonna do it..."

"Not to mention the wear and tear on your palms. I mean the palms are the only thing on your hand. And they ain't in too good shape because of your method of ass wiping. Plus again- the time frame here- it would take at least 4 to 5 hours to bluntly kill this man with only your palms."

"Listen, I.."

"Johnny No Fingers! There is nothing saying he won't fight back. This is just an e-mail anyway. We don't know what this man is capable of, but I am fairly certain that he will fight back. And chances are he is a normal person with fingers and not high on PCP. So I implore you, just empty the spam folder. It'll all be over soon."

"It'll all be over soon."

"It will all be over soon."

"Te Tall Te Ta Ta a-rooooo."

AND SCENE.

These Characters In This Color: Angels Can't Stop

Modern Pen Sounds: Silence

CocoRosie - Coconuts, Plenty of Junk Food

 

Wait, those are actors? They weren't really convinced that saving money is the best option? That's not cool.

Your No. 3 Receiver's Breakout Year: Its a Tour Only EP

I'm busy: Doing what?

Dinosaur Jr - Farm

So let me get something straight- in this bible (bbl with no vowels) Noah only got 2 of every animal and god encouraged him to only get to get 2. Saaah?? This means Noah weeded out some animal... he had some criteria... he looked at some animals and said to himself, "I got a better one of you to live, you can die." His criteria might of been first come first serve, but I don't think he thinks god thats stupid as he omnipitates. So- he got these animals to fuck, cuz who needs oars when you got a boat full of animals fucking. Animals fucking, 2, 3, 4. So, to please a god, Noah spent several years traveling the world... checking animal genitalia, seeing the best ones, saying you can live and fuck the best giraffe pussy. Noah had pussy criteria. Noah saw retards, and it made his job easier. Noah possibly used smell. Noah got lazy at a point. Did Noah do this with birds- cuz he was so bound to miss some. So yeah, evolution- fuck off, there was every type of bear on a boat cuz God said this is what I'm feeling, this is my instinct. Fuckin Noah.

You Can Make Money Now!: Oceans In the Way

I just ate yesterday: where's my poop

Oneida - Rated O

They can make gloves specifically for ladies. But- who are they? They are they that are those who know they can make something gender specific and make money off of it. Embers for Men. Lighthouse rails for girls. Microwaves for Boys. High Concentrate Sodium Bathing Salts for the Elderly for Transexuals. Dr. Seuss books for women. Diet Pepsi for Men. And people fall for this because people love their gender. And furthering or expanding upon an existing stereotype is the best. So- do neutral items sell? Tractors aren't neutral, they just come in it. McDonald's is neutral anymore. The one thing that is positive to both genders and is a money maker: Pornographies. Equal screen time. Lets leave it at that. You're done already?

Cactus Species Visable in Road Runner Cartoons and this song: 10:30 at the Oasis

Gay Quarterback: Go Long

Mouthus - Divisionals

hero: "You won't get away with this, Dr. Scroobtoopineblotzki."

villain: "Well, I am confident in my abilities moving forward."

hero: "Seriously man- are you even that evil"

villain: "....................................................

......................................................

....................................................."

hero: "....................................................

......................................................

....................................................."

villain: "oh sorry. that silence was to indicate that YOU TELL ME"

hero: "for a second it sounded like you said u2- tell me... does U2 have a song called Tell Me?"

villain: "if they did, it'd be like this 'TELL ME about your independence  TELL ME about your pa-aa-aain TELL ME about your suffering thru the beautiful times TEEEEEELL MEEEE"

hero: "thats pretty good"

villain: "thanks, well a lot was taken from Ben Stiller's impression from the Ben Stiller Show"

hero: "oh I heard that was good"

villain: "oh man, yeah! Its just worth it for Bob Odenkirk but Andy Dick has some great moments in it too. by the way, your girlfriend just got killed and.. nnoow... you dead? great."

Often Companies will do this in restructuring their benefit plans: In the Erase

Wrist Tolerance: Low

Air France - No Way Down EP

Express yourself thru shelving! Shelf-ish: The New Way to put things on shelves! Customize your shelf to look like you're a better person who deserves a different looking shelves. Shelves with WiFi Telecommunications. Talk to your parents thru a shelf! This shelf has a drive thru! Get mini quesadilas! You can get a bobblehead shelf... you chose what a head of a shelf constitutes and make it bobble! Are a man? Shelves with cleavage- Shelvage. This shelf is  hubcap! This shelve is Isaiah Chapter 14. This is a pile of grass shelf. Nail grass to your wall to put things on it! Put things on it. We have shelves that are entire buildings. We have scabs that are shelves and shelves that are scabbed. Gummie shelfs for gummie rooms. We can shelf anything to! Put a shelf on your depression. Get shelves in your casket. Get casket shelves on your lottery tickets. Wish you had three arms- get a shelf on your body, shelves are like arms they hooold things. Get your Glujkornians bunstcated often Foriyterly! Its just the beginning of the reign of shelf! Tthhee Rreeiiggnn ooff Sshheellff! SHELF-ISH! Cuz its made up!

Hot Water from a Water Cooler Trapeze Coordination: Collapsing at your Doorstep

If you were anything: you'd be a spigot

So Many Dynamos - The Loud Wars

Bing Bong Bing. Hula Jap Ka-blewer Bean binary. Bistol Lake Lady Late Loan. Huge Tyranny Greely Funt. Styler Romaque Niekpoddner Lube Hunch. Cycra Sanc Lank Damner. Ee Beetee Yine Winder. Wonder? Faster! Clip Cling Umpty Day. Zeus Fractle Man Carnate. See Zebra Hunt.

That was a quick lesson in getting things out of your system. For a longer lesson please send 5 dollars to:

The Sky

c/o Gravity

UP, World, No Zip Code Provided

We were running out of cleaning supply so I took what was left in each bottle individually into a sop of a paper towel and stacked those paper towels to form a Lasagna, of sorts. It actually become an adult education college for germs. Its hard to get into, but the students go on to do great things. 

This diner better be underwater: New Bones

Fad that should take off soon: Popeye Arms

Hiawata! - These Boys and This Band is All I Know

Reasons why you are Tim Allen

-Everytime the TV says 'Stay Tuned' you do scales

-You spend all your money on ways to breath better

-When asked what your spirit animal is, before you have a chance to answer, someone always interrupts with "Parrot Ape Hybrid"

-Your limit for cost of a drink is $6

-The last time you took responsibility for your own actions, you had to take down the castle you made of Twizzlers

-you describe things as 'golden' to much

-this is slander

-you try to befriend security guards if they have shaved heads

-you are impresed by people who can break boards

-you wrote 3 soap operas all titled "as the turtleneck drops"

-you have been divorced from 19 dogs and still owe them all the matching jackets you promised

-you masturbate to the Bonnie Hunt Show, but only during commercial breaks

-you're indestructible

-you don't get The Office, but tell people its your favorite show

-Rome if you want to

-Everytime you make eggs, they don't turn out white

-You break your friend's swimming pools consistently

-you're bringing Megawhore Back

-You are not allowed in Planes that go over Iceland

-you only eat turkey on Thanksgiving, but the fact that you do drives you away from people

I Enjoy Christmas More: Put Me Down

You Can Create Autobiographies for Fictional Characters: Yukon Cornelius

Lovers Love Haters - EP

Meeting Brian Dennehy was the thrill of my life, only because I thought he was a bear that turned into a human. I asked him all the normal questions, 'how late do you stay up?', 'how many times have you nonpurposely seen Holly Hunter naked?', 'when's dinner?', 'after you finish up can you take out the garbages?'. He responded with answers I can only describe as normal but I was too distracted by his garb. A tshirt and jeans? This was a hollywood star who has appeared on the likes of a just shoot me, and he denegrates himself to a 80 dollar designer tee? I was so taken that I started jabbing toothpicks in his side and chest. I used them as steps and holdings to climb the massive actor. I climbed to the deepest high peek in the burlsome man's face and spray painted a rainbow distillery labeled with 'Our Neighboring Thumbs'. I then climbed to the summit, the top of his head and saw all that the world was offering. My life was made here, in the thick air in thin hair. I started hearing rumblings from below, and I felt my sainthood melting- it was time for Dennehey to go, to be shared by another.  I greased myself from the blood and saliva of a dead water bison found along the brim of the ear and slid down to safety, smelling the overpowering man scent as I came closer to his taint. I will never forget my time on Brian Dennehey, for he was eating my children at the time.

Your life story after you lost the weight: Dead End Trail

The Demographic for Action Movies: people who don't know who Amy Adams is

Noisettes - Wild Young Hearts

We gave the baby blocks to help it to learn words vertically. We gave the baby a soul patch to make people hate it, as to learn self worth. We gave the baby the arc d'triumph because we had it. We gave the baby a hoveround because it was fun seeing the dynamic. We gave the baby distance because it was in one of its moods. We gave the baby a baby who gave it larger hands. We grave the baby a french last name. We made the baby's hit and run look like an accident because the format of this sentence is different. This baby never had a chance, you gotta see it from our perspective. Its father was of normal intelligence... its mother- also of normal intelligence (Bob LaMonta). This baby had all its hopes on being a supreme court justice before it learned to eat. This baby is a bike whose horn sounds like a cough. This baby is 1192 AD and sees the folly of technology. Its shirt is suicidal and its eating the news.

Output of a Pine Tree Shaped Fruit Scented Car Air Freshner: Cheap Kicks

Animal Vigilante Bio: Above the Claw

Amen Dunes - Dia

So we were making chalkboards last Friday and watching Wife Swap Season Finale when all of a sudden we were watching commercials asking us, US!, to buy products. They used visuals and information to try and persuade us into buying these products and services. Of al the nerve. This isn't even New Orleans, where they need to buy. I mean jazz music by the water? That is just a rip off of Egypt and the Nile. Egyptian music is all about ups and bounces. And Egypt is the tannest place in Africa. We also care about their history more for some reason. History is for sidewalks anyway. Their development into the proud side roads for people and dugs and dogs and Latin American cuisine they are today. The first sidewalks were actually open faced gutter pipes for human waste and surfing rats. And thats why we have reality TV: so that one day we can have important reality TV. Its your matter and our selfishness. Together America and Strategic Relief Plans. This now evermore.

Your View is Broad,  but your district is small: Fleshless Esta Mira, Wife of Space

Sometimes I feel Obliged to tell: I wrote this on the toilet.

Memorial Day Cop Out

Memorial Day means we made it!

Top 10 Kids Incorporated Videos I Watched this weekend.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Looking here is a bonus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTmmieh4Vsw

Telemundo Today: Univision Forever

Es - Kesämaan Lapset

I like these shorts cuz they have parrot feather lining. The back pocket is marigold woven into a microwave button panel and the baggyness is proportional to my mood.

I like your band cuz they reference Tom Robbins just below the amount it would be considered ripping off Tom Robbins. Pablo Neruda, thats a different story? "Heavenly key to mayonnaise"? Nice try.

I like the way your dad plays Mouse Trap... not only does he set it up for us, he doesn't care that we are high.

I like that puppet show on public access. The way the voice doesn't match up to the puppet mouth is more a comment on our society? Are we really saying what we are saying? Does the cat puppet perceived bad boy image distract us from the fact that he is of lesser quality than the other puppets- ergo do we look down upon those that ask to be judged? Does our host and only human ally have all the answers and have all the answers in song? Will being polite actually kill me?

I like hind legs cuz they have more vital muscles and the connecting haunches have a lot of softer fur. They may take longer to cook, but its more than worth the wait.  Also the back paws make better key chain add ons.

I like the calmness one gets after a series of maddening events. The talking of the way down is stressful and calamitous, but the reward upon realizing the capabilities of one's darkside is fervent and can be stored away. Know thy powers, work on them, let them out later. The calming factor is a brooding one. Don't show your cards, let them think things are fine. Time will come, darkness shall reign.

I like old people swimming. Very fun to watch. Very detailed. Wet Wrinkles, ya know?

What Ought Got Bought in Irot: Kesä ja hymyilevät huulet

Backup Reference: Shabbir Banoobhai

Foot Village - Anti-Magic

Man seeks Women, preferably for sex and plumbing. Plumbing is both an innuendo and actually some maintenance work on my pipes, again this is both innuendo and fixing some clogs, also innuendo and manual labor, which is of course only innuendo. But seriously, my upstairs sink is retaining. Which brings me to my next point of qualitutification: Can you give the hang ten sign with your toes? Are most of your clothes reversible? Do you stereotype salads? Has your lower back ever been described as "God's Post It Note"? Is "God's Post It Note" a term you can see yourself with? Is that you inside the whack a mole? Can you do what I think beef is as a verb? If this sounds like you, or this sounds like you: "wee-AWW" then I think we are a match made in Heaven. Coincidently, I make matches and my match company is called heaven. Heaven Burning Down  Matches. since 2007. "We Make Your Wildest Dreams about Matches Come more True than if you did nothing 2007." Also, can I borrow 5 dollars?

If you are LeBron and Dwight Howard fouls out, you take your shot: T.A.K.E.

for Nourishment: in Moderation