Claptrap

It's actually claptrap. One word. Go ahead. Type it into word. It won't be red-underlined. Redunderlized. Claptrap means "absurd or nonsensical talk or ideas". I think it was also a popular pony name in the 1800s.

Is this a word worth reviving? No. I honestly thought it would mean trapping something through clapped hands. Like a bug. But when the hands make the audible clap sound, I'd guess that would kill it. So then I thought, it meant leading someone to a trap with clapping, then a trap that would would fence you in with walls of sounds of claps. Then I figured it meant vagina, because there is so much slang for vagina. I'd imagine a phrase to be 'a dusty old claptrap'. All these are better than the actual word for claptrap.

Claptrap should actually mean trapping claps. Like a chinese finger trap for the whole hands. Or a vacuum that sucks out sound. Those things already exist, though. Those fur things Russians use to warm their hands. To me that's a claptrap. And creating an environment that dilutes the audible quality of the clap to silence is basically just being louder than clapping.

Examples:

Claptrap

AND

Also, a claptrap.

I hope we learned 2 things today. That you don't have to care what words actually mean, and most words can refer to a vagina.

Actually Acceptable in a NY Subway: Blowing Bubbles

New York Subways are hilarious. Hilarious for the fact that this is literally millions of people's mode of transportation and we all hate it. The rest of America uses their ride to work to unwind, relax, let out some steam, etc. New Yorkers use a public service and just share a space with strangers they'll never talk to and just be miserable.

On the plus side, you can get away with a lot on the NY subway- right homeless people? (sidenote- the internet doesn't make fun of homeless people enough- they can be super annoying and they can't defend themselves over the internet). In this bi-annual semi-quartley feature, we look at one thing anyone can get away with on the subway. This time: Blowing Bubbles.

Soap bubbles. It's a very innocent thing. So innocent that I've seen a little girl do this on a semi-crowded F train on a Friday night, and my initial thought was: 'how cute'. A quick scan of the rest of the train car and no one seemed to mind at all. The bubbles didn't stray pass a 2 feet from the blower, plus it was refreshing to see a happiness on the train. This would still be acceptable on a crowded subway, granted the little girl was sitting and in no danger of spilling the bubble solution, because honestly people wouldn't notice and if they did- it's soap bubbles.

An adult would still be able to get away with blowing bubbles. If I saw a grown person consciously blowing bubbles, be it for their enjoyment or to sell something or to even annoy the rest of the train, I could put up with that. People listening to music is 10 times as annoying as being touched by a bubble. Again- the blower must have a secure handle on not spilling the solution. I can't stress that enough. If that sticky water spills you crossed the threshold into irreversible asshole. Why? Because people had to move.

It would be weird to see a bunch of people blowing bubbles on a crowded subway train. Then after about 2 minutes it wouldn't be. Then after another 2 minutes, you'd be amused by other people who just got into the car's initial reactions. Then after another 2 minutes, you'd pretty much forget about it.

One final note: this is in no way affiliated with blowing bubble gum. Do not do that on the subway. It's something in your mouth that you are showing to people. Less crowded cards with a buffer of an empty seat on each side- whatever. But if I'm sitting next to someone blowing a bubble, that messes with my peripheral vision. It makes me conscience and aware of an imminent-ish danger. So if you're gonna blow a bubble- blow bubbles instead.

END

Review: US Women's Soccer's Popularity

I don't understand you, US Women's Soccer. You're hardly the best a) because you're soccer and b) because you're played by women.

A) Soccer isn't america's sport. It's the world's sport sure, but we have Football. And baseball. Sports that have more violence and strategy and ridiculous field equipment. You're just shorts and a shirt running around a field with a ball. Boring.

B) Women are great at sports. That is a fact because any person who trains and dedicates their lives to a particular field, they are going to be great at it. I am not saying women are bad at sports. I'm saying no one watches women play sports. The WNBA, the most popular female league with its own huge stars and great athletes- they have to sell advertisements on their jersey to make money. There is a women's football league no one cares about (I know this because I lived closed to the stadium where The Pittsburgh Passion played). The Las Vegas team is named the ShowGirlz and the Memphis team just goes by Memphis Women's Tackle Football.

Those are points. I'm not upset about it being popular. I just don't understand it. Maybe its just a case of American pride in international competition coupled with a strong marketing push to interest us in a fringe sport. Like how The Williams Sisters are the most popular female athletes because they dominate their sport. It's good for the sport. Regardless- Abbie Wambach and Hope Solo are fun names to say. The world can always use more fun names.

Alternate Lines: "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown."

"Remember, Jake. We happen TO BE IN Chinatown."

"Damn that's some Chinatown there, ain't it Jake?"

"Chinatown... RIGHT?"

"Of all places, Jakey, Motherfucking Chinatown."

"Chinatown you bastard!!!!! Ok, let's go."

"I've heard of Chinatown before, but this is ridiculous!"

"You wanna rush in there- scoop her brains back in her head, keep that grandfather from probably raping that kid, return the town's water supply, grab the headlines, and have your nose cosmetically repaired? Well you can't. This is Chinatown. Everything's out of sorts here."

"Hahahaha.... oh man. Chinatown" (shakes heads) "You coming, Jake?"

Cowboy Humor

What do you call a city slicker on a horse?

-Whatever name was on the credit card he used to pay you for that privilege

Why do city slickers drink so much milk?

-There are many factors at play: the dairy council's strong pull within congress, a psychological instinct of not being mothered enough that has developed from the daily fear of not providing for their family, and for the fact that us cowboys are so good at our jobs that cattle are abundant and prosperous

How does a city slicker shoot a pistol?

-Through training and practice

Where do city slickers buy cowboy hats?

-Places that have receipts