Review: Adult Swimming

I am an adult now. I know this because I don't know what to do when I swim. Not saying all adults don't know what to do when they swim. Some have kids, or actually swim. When I go in a pool, usually as social means, I do it to talk to someone who is also in the pool. The conversations are usually about not splashing and not getting hair wet. If I'm lucky it's about how not to look at each other's exposed areas. I don't really swim in a pool. Because pools are usually at around 20 feet long and, yeah, I know I can do that. Swim, then come back to where I stood. Then there is that point in swimming, where it is just more comfortable to stay in the water because it is colder out as the day progressed and I left my towel inside. So this is not really about swimming, it's about talking when wet. Maybe doing it stoned would be more fun, but that is also dangerous (so I shouldn't have said maybe). "Let's go to that side of the pool now," "Let's hold our breath," "Can you guess what I am saying underwater"... as an adult I am more in tune with simply farting in water. That's fun to me. Sure it's fun to throw kids into a pool, but that also sets up the building blocks for a relationship with a child. No, swimming really loses its luster when you have actual things to do. In fact, fuck swimming. Fuck swimsuits too. They serve one purpose and most people just use them to look good. Now, for anyone there who actually swims, and knows names of strokes and what not, you have beaten the system. You took a fun childhood activity such as swimming and turned it into something palpable in your everyday life. Anyway, thank God for water slides... if only to hear women say how their vazanza's get water logged. Anything else I forgot to cover? Oh, watch adult swim nightly on the cartoon network.

47 Reasons Why You Think You're Not a Hipster Anymore

1. You checked if there were actual 47 things on this list.

2. You cared either way that it was

3. 'Less is more' has made sense in your everyday life recently

4. It is now easier for you to recognize your own brand of lipstick

5. Your brother is your close friend

6. You agree with anything on this list

7. You have talked about drinking straight from a two liter bottle of soda to someone as means to relate to them over childhood nostalgia

8. Blackbird singing in the dead of night

9. You think chest bumps are ironic, not awesome

10. You have reached a life goal, bragged about it to someone and not noticed, then went to bed that night and realized you did, wrote a Facebook message apologizing, realized you should be proud of yourself, didn't send the message, and now treat that person poorly

11. You have broken off friendships based on the disparaging speeds at which you cross the street

12. An intimate self-care time such as cutting toe nails or putting on deodorant have become such a custom to you, that you define grace by using them as a metaphor

13. You have been to an umbrella sale

14. You have put thought into anything I said

15. You have only put thought into the one I said right before this

16. You can't help but now make a decision whether to continue with this and see where I am going or skim to the last couple

17. Then you wouldn't see this one, unless there was a specific word in this line that caught your eye.

18. You have just admitted that some words look better than others. Piccadilo looks nicer than arm.

19. it is not in your nature to be judgemental so you can't relate to this

20. then again you would've skipped down to the last couple if you were that type of person, you say to yourself in a more complimentary voice than what it really is, but you'll work on that voice and develop a character you bring out to your spouse or close friends

21. you did it to prove a point

22. You don't smoke pot

23. You do smoke pot

24. You contradict yourself

25. You Contradict Yourself Capitally

26. You never admit to repeating yourself

26. The only Josh you know was a popular kid in high school, everyone got a long with him though, its not like you were close or anything

28. They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim

29. You know what that was a reference to

30. You have had a long conversation about something very specific with a bank teller but don't admit to yourself what it was about

30. You already did that joke

30a. you didn't do that joke, but why would you?

7773992. You are just being increduloose righ' abou' gna', AM I WHOSE WITH ME RIGHT! Protection! Disclosure! A house divided shall not stand but measure itself in its divisions and supply power accordingly! We shall fold, we shall hooge, we shall take our veins out and use them as lasso to take down the bulls heads and loose ottomans and plastic replica antique paint can lids falling from shelves in the sky hidden by clouds which were in turn tufts of 2 different gods rendezvous in a cosmic truck stop where the soap was pure energy and the stalls were scibbled with math equations that in this universal understanding of life served as jokes, the standard equivalent of the chicken crossing the road was 2+2=4, the Tonight Show monologue that night was 87+18, he latered minused 24, and somehow people were impressed by that.

35. you know this is actually 34

36. now you know that this is actually 35

37. you don't care otherwise

39. There is room in your socks.

38. I lost you awhile ago, so if you came back looking to this point because you saw some short reasons, followed by this long reason, you might be smart enough to figure it out, but try as I might, I really am phoning it in by now, so you might as well click off the page- I was being honest.

39. Letterman reference

26. You never admit to repeating yourself

41. Now more than ever, you pay attention when you shower

42. You Have Had a Favorite Song now for an entire week

43. RL Stine reference

44. You think the Freelance Whales are making 'real' music

45. You thought that way about Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

46. You think that way about Yo Gabba Gabba now

47. You wanted some big ending, something to justify anything at all why you spent any amount of time reading anything I would say or droop. But we are just different, me and you. I am the actual one who had time to write this and what do you think I think about you thinking about this? Do you think I think that you think I waste my time doing nothing? That's as much thought as I put into is is realizing that you do think about it, but I don't care what to think of thinking. I don't think God actually spoke about hating gays. To turn that into a joke: He probably meant gaze, and wanted people not to stare off into space while holding conversation. But seriously, we have opinions and we are people with access to information, so we can agree and we can disagree. It is nothing personal, and if you take the time to, you just might find out something about yourself. I'm Wynona Funnel, I'll see you next time.

Review: Mama Bear from Goldilocks and the 3 Bears

Mama Bear, I am glad you like cold porridge. Such cold porridge. You are a definite yang to a man bear's ying. Your dedication to the opposite of your husband has produced one 'just right' baby bear. And kudos for not calling him a cub. He is much more than a cub. He earned the right to be named baby mostly thanks to his ability to recognize when someone is in his bed. Also- I too enjoy a soft bad. Too soft? What is that? Things can't be too soft unless you are a horrible person who breaks into houses. But as a mother and a wife, you have to talk good sense to your rugged husband. He is too proud to buy a lock for his door. I get it that he has evolved faster than the other bears in that he can build a house and also trained you to such human things as make porridge and hats with ear holes in them. I know you Mama Bear, I know that you cannot conceive other children, and the one you have is your 'miracle' child. But you represent something- you represent another extreme, the opposite of something else that when balanced between the 2 should be able to please anyone. That anyone was a blonde girl. Were you put off in finding such a young tart in your child's bed? In a non-sexual way yes you were. As a woman of the household- your job is to nag and nag until things are decidedly better for you. As a bear however, your place is to stay in the woods and use this experience as a means to hate man. You are not the leader, you are not the cute one. You are simply the other. Get shit done mama bear.

Review: Objectifying Women

As a man who exists and thinks, I can see how horrible it is to judge them based on the frat-phrase (frase) of "the fuck quotient". Kudos to fraternities for using the word quotient. As a man who exists and doesn't think, I can say walking on eggshells takes away the essence of man. So is it right to objectify women? Yes. Why? Because they are not around when you do it. That's not always the case, as in the career Christine Brinkley, and everyone ultimately suffers from that. But, it is the man's fault ultimately. Objectification will continue to exist, but the women being objectified needs to change. Attractive women are attractive, that's why they are attractive. But the paradigm shift needs to be onto smart women who are also attractive. The smart women who own their image and allow themselves to be sexxed up. And allow their image to be ogled because they back it up. I mean everyone has looks. It is up to the woman to use those looks in order to take control of her situation. Men do it all the time. And woman probably objectify men all the time, but men don't pay attention to that. There is no answer really in here, just another statement of "do whatever you want to, but don't do it like an idiot". Which is saying- I google image searched Sexy Hilary Clinton and got this:

Review: South Park Episode 200

Sweet, sweet, straight, unfiltered reference. Nectar of the mind vines. The reference, in all their unfilteryness, remind you that this whole time- South Park is just a TV show. Sure, a TV show steeped deeply in its own meta world, but the first three words of that parenthetical were "a TV show". I am 24 years old, Park is 10 years younger than me, and thankfully has been smarter than me this whole time. South Park in its purest form is Matt Stone and Trey Parker. The are people, and people are what grows with you.

So, I agree with you all in saying that if you don't follow South Park you are not going to like this episode. As for me and m unabashed love affair with these smart people with a tv show. A tv show that happens to be a cartoon with children protagonists. These men get to do anything they want with these children, and they chose to make them to IE go into space and follow a Taco that pooped ice cream to save earth, which is a TV show to aliens, from being canceled. IE stab Jesus in the neck to a plot too involved to recap involving Easter and the disciple Peter actually being Peter Rabbit. I am not going to do IEs anymore. The point is: they are still on the air, remaining fresh, and challenging the viewer. Look how many Emmys they deservedly won. Look it up: The last 3, and 4 overall. This show did that. Because they have such a rich dynamic history that you can point to and is pockets of an era. Names like Pip, Miss Chokesondicks, Miss Crabtree, the time Tweek was their 4th friend. And they can, should, and will do anything they want to. Because that's called 'they earned it.' There probably is an actual word for that, but you need to be slapped with that. And please continue to support smart people making smart tv.

Review: Facebook: Movies: Greenberg

I saw Greenberg and liked it. I am one of thousands. Thousands around the clock. But- do I like it enough to put it in my facebook profile under the place designated for favorite movies? Yes probably. But that's a fat probably with two belts tied together acting as one. Greenberg is still too new to be in a Facebook profile. It still is clouded in its marketing. Putting it in there now says: I appreciate Ben Stiller on an esoteric level, I love every Noah Baumbach movie, and boy was I right about Greta Gerwig... which, to be fair, I say all those things. But I am obsessed with the delicate balance of how others view me in my favorite movies section on Facebook. Greenberg is a character study of a man not admitting his failures--- do I want to say that about myself? I liked the movie so much, because I can relate to it. That's where liking movies comes from! And goodness knows that if I put Greenberg on my profile, I could possibly encourage someone to see it- which is a whole new side of pressure to place upon myself. I could've avoided this by seeing Greenberg 3 weeks ago when it was still entirely too new to make any assumptions about, but 3 weeks is 3 weeks is a near month. Bandwagons have formed. The Raptors are out of the playoffs (probably). When does liking something become actually liking something? When you don't put thought into it, I bet. That- or when you put thought into it, the thoughts die, like the process in which you think is like the process in which we make hamburger meat. Read Jonathan Safran Foer "Eating Animals". The World. and all that.

Review: KFC Double Down

Why am I getting on this train late? Am I even sure what this train is? I am not going to eat the sandwich. I am not going to make fun of the sandwich. What I am a fan of is morbid curiosity. And KFC using meat instead of bread is paving the way for something pretty morbid. I would just like to put some ideas out there, inspirato from the double down: White Castle- your meat is basically a smear anyway... so take the smear meat you have and wipe it on every single product you can ever market. You can put it in a tube. You can tell people to put it under their fingernails. You can use your meat as a condiment. NEXT. Burger King. First off, you dropped the ball. You are supposed to be the unhealthy one. You need to do something big. And that something big is going to be disgusting. Might I suggest: they already have the double down- now put that double down shenanigan between two slabs of your meat- quadruple it down. Inside out would be- 2 bacon, 2 cheese, 2 chicken, 2 meat. That'd be hilarious! Do it already. Now McDonald's, I don't know what your problem is, because apparently you are the most famous. Here's what you do. You buy other fast food burgers and serve them with yours. Hybrid. Yes, you should kill the word Hybrid. Someone needs to. South Park tried. Now we need an unhealthy, evil approach to killing a word that has done no harm really. There. I am once again at the forefront of the back end of things. Oh. Also Wendy's- replace your napkins with meat and stay classy.

Review: Pen Relationships

"Ram on, give your heart to somebody, write away" - Paul M. cCartney

I had this pen for about 6 weeks. It had a bunch of ink left. It had a grip. I used it to jot. To doodle. To fill-in. To tap. To self assure. To scratch out then write something better. Pen Relationships. Today I lost that pen, and replaced it with a different one. It's not as nice. But it still writes, so I don't know why I feel so bad about losing a pen. Projected feelings and so much we've been through? But do I like the pen more than the ideas it wrote down? More than some, but generally no. I did give it an entry on a blog to do it justice. So now I feel better. Which is great. Wow! Phew. That's behind me. I also should admit that in that Paul McCartner lyric- I changed "right" to "write" for affect. In that last sentence I changed "effect" to "affect" for confusion. This week already!

Review: Being tagged in an album 39 seconds ago

I wish I had a picture of this. I wish I had a million dollars worth of quarters. I wish I had a picture of a million dollars worth of quarters raining on an entire elementary school student body (not in the lame pool of quarters way certain millionaire ducks would do). The going rate for pictures is approximately 1000 words. Words can buy you many things, namely time. And time is money, so look at that I brought it back to making sense. It is not fair however that a bohemian and scant picture such as the million dollars worth of quarters is worth the same amount of words as, say, a picture of Ruby Hunter. Nothing against Ruby Hunter (something again Ruby Hunter), she is a very photographic woman. I should've picked someone less photogenic, like Ruby Gettinger of the Style Network. I wanted to, but a veiled reference is a veiled reference. Excuse me, is a veiled reference. So I'm not one to judge, unless I can easily score with the 3rd place winner (GOB!), but picture pricing with words should be mandated. A sliding scale, perhaps. Afternoon baseball? Yeah, that sounds more fun. Anyway, chew Wrigley's Gum. Wrigley's: A great name to say. You were just tagged in a picture that you didn't know someone took. You feel curious. But it has already been 39 seconds. Life goes on.

Review: Snausages Castle

"A place where the diarrhea of dreams can be churned in crystal and used to clean chandeliers and raise the stakes of what barn storming meant in the 1930s. Sure, it still means something now, but why would I care to look it up? Because I wrote about it? puh-uh-leeze." Snausages Castle has 3 basements, which make it an ideal place to scare children and store old furnaces. It is a castle only in name and birthright. I have never been there, but their website for the past 14 years has said 'Drawbridge coming soon'. They also use nothing but clorox wipes attached to different lengths of sticks to clean anything that happens to be in the castle at the time. It has no affiliation with Snausages itself, officially. However, they do have bowls in by all 2 of their working doors and snausages can be found scattered throughout the complex. There is also approximately 500 snausages buried in the yard area as the owners wanted to try and grow a garden of the snausages. The letter Q is banned from Snausages Castle. This has worked suprisingly well for them. Most chinese food delivery places will not deliver there for fear of snausage related harm and the fact that it takes 3-4 hours to navigate the lace maze surrounding the Snausages Castle. The Lace Maze has a plack (sic) upon entering that reads "this lace has never been touched by human skin, please respect this lace and don't bump, graze, or stare at too long. This is my grandmother's lace, so be cool. Alright.' Constable Greenly tried digging an underground railroad of sorts, but died of shovel related spasms and his ghost sex haunts the underground passages. He was a really lonely man. Snausages Castle isn't so much as decorated, as it has colors hanging from the ceiling. The only way to truly explain is to visit Snausages Castle. Drawbridge coming soon.

Re: view

In this "review" site, we simply aim to show you things. We fail at that miserably, and then everyone goes home with nothing gained. Alright? Sure. I'm doing this more for me, than for you. But once I find away to make myself happy doing this, then it might seem it is more for you. In any case, since we're talking personal matters, my favorite Simpson's character is The Sea Captain, aka Captain McAllister. His stereotyped voice breathes life into his failings. It's as simple as that. Simpsons is something not to overthink. They deserve it. Being that good on the air that long means you should have no discernable golden age. The Simpsons are too much of a spectacle for me to ever say anything degrading about them. Shame on you. Why shame on you? You know why.

Review: Letting Things Speak for Themselves

I like it. It reminds me of Venice at night.