ASK DUMB REVIEWS!

HIT! You guys look so unexpected. Well, this week saw my fantasy basketball league veto a trade wherein I would receive LeBron James. I just wanted you to know that.

But this week, we're going a little loop. So here are some actually REAL fake questions and what I did with them!

Q: Why are sometimes the picture you use cut off or not sized?

A: Answer a question with a question here- Why do you notice? I mean seriously. Are you like "I'm this big fucking eye sight and seeing is believing"? Are you the tooth fairy without the rack I imagined? Look at your life. No one should own that many hoodies.

Q: Do you honestly like the SAW movie series?

A: No, I hate getting erections, and laughing is the worst.

Q: What are some hutches?

A: A NEW CAR! (an impala with shell scent), Blacks ice skating, Belts designed for animals, Lice with lice, chimneys full of vomit, vascular disease that doesn't run in the family, colonial sportswear.

Q: Are you?

A: They will.

Q: You're great, but why do you subject yourself to such displeasure and maddening depression?

A: Its a problem I have suffered through since 1978. I sit here in anguish and just type in anger. Maybe I am bot only happy when I am angry, but for when I feel. I feel what I feel, dad. It's not a sense of humor, not a foible, but its how me, a person, takes on this crazy mixed up spinning ball we call home. Human relations, in rawest dignity, can see that I am not a showcase, I am not a servant of cliche, but a human reaching out of his perils and of my hard tidings. I do not have auto insurance. I have never met a female cop (copter). I am my only son.

Q: 

A: Morton's.

People Do This: Records 2008: I Sold Your StepMom's Brazz

AND WHATEVER DUDE. It is fun to do it. To make known your opinion to some other than you thats either older than you or younger within a degree of 2 seconds. And since 2009 is but a whisper of wisdom- I have decided to guide you to many a stretchmark made thru music made thru the jungle rape by our economic drive:

The Records I liked More and Less than Why?'s Alopecia

I liked Why?s Alopecia. It was great. It was clever and smart and penis imagery, dead dads' alive ghosts, "the artist coming into his own", and not shutting up. But I really liked records more than it. Seventeen to be precise. And I liked records not much as it (weird riiight?). For the sake name of balance 17 records I liked not as much. So I used Alopecia more as a barometer of being good, not as means to say anything at all, but nothing whatsoever. Why didn't I just say top 35? Oh, ok. "So thanks for escaping, here is your family back, and I'm keeping this Vera Farmiga mask, but I want you to use numbers?!?" Suck My Documents folder:

35. Racoo-oo-oon - Racoo-oo-oon
34. Baby Dee - Safe Inside the Day
33. Lucky Dragons - Dream Island Laughing Language
32. Pumice - Quo
31. Lau Nau - Nukkuu

30. Mount Eerie Julie Doiron Fred Squire - Lost Wisdom
29. Micah P Hinson - and The Red Empire Orchestra

28. Pattern is Movement - All Together

27. Borko - Celebrating Life

26. Eat Skull - Sick to Death

25. Cains and Abels - Call Me Up

24.Rings - Black Habit

23. Porn on Vinyl - I Spent the Night Thinking with Short Periods of Sleep Interrupted by Visions

22. Erykah Badu - New Amerykah, Pt. 1: Fourth Wolrd War

21. White Hinterland - Phylactery Factory

20. No Kids - Come Into My House

19. Mount Eerie - Black Wooden Ceiling Opening EP

Then would be 18. Why? - Alopecia

17. Max Tundra - Parallax Error Beheads You
- this was like Christmas in early December! (catholic christmas, not lutheran xmas or baptisistant maxmas). No- Max Tundra makes great records with a breivity and fore front that I liked better than Why?s Alopecia.

16. Cadence Weapon - After Party Babes

-I did *this* to this record more than most records. You didn't see me do *this*? I'm doing it to you now. Doing it to you now to your face. Doing it in the face. Doing it in the face more than Why?s Alopecia.

15. Tickley Feather - Tickley Feather

-Its not like I just realized that I have to write fifteen (13+2) more of these, its that you don't care. I played this record at a party. A perty I threw for myself as a dragon. At this porty I breathed fire and sneezed steam. I stood up and cheered at the end, if only for this record totally was as great in accordance with how stoned I was. I mean wasn't. I mean more than Why?s Alopecia.

14. Chairlift - Does You Inspire You

-maybe I might remember my failures more to this record more than any other, but I'm still young, I have a great sense of how to pop balloons, those rape victims will never talk, and I'm not short. But there are too many good songs to hate anything about this album. Its like 'ampire 'eekend for people who suck their own dick. Suck more than Why?s Alopecia.

13. Extra Life - Secular Works
-I lived on Earth most of this year, and most other years. I've grown accustommed to this place, especially during high ratings sporting events. I've noticed the technique used on this planet called a 'montage'. I would like to see Secular Works used as a montage for the following: a house skydiving, baby's making out, cleaning bloody bone particles off a playground, a fat man struggling to get out of a pile of ashes, "blind man eating spaghetti", most sack races, and to Brewster's Millions... forever Pryor more than Why?s Alopecia.

12. Bodies of Water - A Certain Feeling

-I started digging about 12 hours ago, I now realize that I should have been digging down instead of across. I've gone about 1900 feet and have ruined 4 ant hills. I'm only sweating from my chin and I believe my urine is now considered 'irrigated'. What+ever. My accomplishment have proud me made and made the pride. I feel this way when listening to A Certain Feeling. Feel more than Why?s Alopecia.

11. Cryptacize- Dig That Treasure
-in 70 years this might be my fav'rite record ever. It keeps getting better and better with each listen. It basically plays like Nedelle fronting Deerhoof, because it is Nedelle fronting a band featuring a member from Deerhoof- which is really lazy of me saying. Like I'm usually more creative than that (fuck you) and have an escapitude of lastminded wind folly. Astrid Ice Caps and more than Why?s Alopecia.

So TOP TEN- pretty heavy ground? Ground is always heavy. Well ok. To convey how much I truly loved these records- I will put a picture of a mannequin wig and a quote from Step Brothers.

10. French Quarter - French Quarter

"Did you touch my drumset?"

"Nope."
"Why are you so sweaty?"
"I was watching cops. "

9. {{{sunset}}} - The Glowing City

"Barbara Walters, Oprah, your wife. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one, go! "

8. Beach House - Devotion

"I wish I could put you into a ball and shove you into my vagina. And whenever I feel a scratch of tickle, I'll just know its your hair."

7. Ponytail - Ice Cream Spiritual

"When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it’s time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that 'Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job'. "

6. High Places - High Places

"Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes 'Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf' and grabs me by the weiner."

5. Envelopes - Here Comes the Wind

"Hey Derek? You know what I hear is good for shoulder pain?... You lick my butt hole."

4. Fight Bite - Emerald Eyes

"I manage a baseball team."
"Oh, little league?"
"Fantasy league."

3. Flying - Faces of the Night

"I'm not going to call him dad....not even if theres a fire...and if he gets in my face I'll drop that mother fucker."

2. Grouper - Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill

"Dane Cook. Pay Per View. Twenty Minutes."

1. Bearsuit - OH:IO

"Fuckin' Catalina Wine Mixer"

you are better than me and I salute you with my dick- top 10 songs of two thousand ape

Well, it's been fun... for me. Clearly. Also, I'm multiracials. I just wanted to make that clear. With further adoo- heres whatever I'e been doing.

10. Why? - Good Friday

9. Basia Bulat - I was a Daughter

8. Times New Viking - The Apt.

7. SJ Esau - Frustrating

6. Mates of State - Get Better

5. Xiu Xiu - FTW

4. Ponytail - Celebrate the Body Electric (it came from an angel)

3. Free Blood - Never Hear Surf Music Again

2. Bearsuit - Keep it Together Somehow

1. Pains of Being Pure at Heart - Everything with You

That was dumb

Pills to Swallow and Songs of 2008 20-11.

I saw three ships come sailing in, come sailing in, come sailing in, come sailing in, come sailing in, come sailing in, come sailing in, come sailing in. I couldn't think of anything so Fred Willard.




20. Free Blood - Royal Family




19. Tilly and the Wall - Chandelier Lake




18. Wye Oak - Please Concrete




17. Grouper - Heavy Water/ I'd Rather Be Sleeping




16. King Darves - She Wants My song




15. Marnie Stern - Transformer




14. Bobby and Blumm - In Future Present




13. Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - Swimming Pools




12. Ruby Suns - Adventure Tour


11.Micah P Hinson - Tell Me It Ain't So

I don't get it - 2008 songs I used to procure my charlie horse relief fund

OK? Ok, okokokokokokokokokok. ok! O.................................K. This one is good.

30. Rafter - Love Time Now

29. Wavves - So Bored

28. Francois Virot - Not the One

27. Fight Bite - Swiss Ex Lover

26. Gospel Gossip - Revolutions in Physics

25. Yo! Majesty - Party Hardy

24. Mae Shi - Run to Your Grave

23. Land of Talk - Yuppie Flu

22. Bell - Echinacea

21. Larkin Grimm - Blond and Golden Johns

I know and like songs 0f 2008; blatancy perceived by the Goonies 40-31

Yea I didn't even watch those videos. They were soup random. Anywhale- you like that? You like those songs? Is that what you want? Is that in your heart? Anyway here's the same exact thing. WITH A TWIST!

40. Evangelista - Lucky Lucky Luck

39. Crystal Stilts - Shattered Shine

38. Deerhoof - Chandelier Searchlight

37. James Jackson Toth - Beulah the Good

36. Crystal Antlers - Vexation

35. Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson - Buriedfed

34. From Bubblegum to Sky - Even the Sunbeams

33. {{{Sunset}}} - Zombies

32. Jamie Lidell - Little Bit of Feel Good

31. Wild Yaks - River May Come

I know and like songs 0f 2008; the asian yak milk 50-41

Song lists usually end up looking like albums that I only liked one song off of, but then its not. I checked. Throw yourself up. Yea thats what I'm doing this week.

50. Titus Andronicus - Titus Andronicus

49. Crooked Fingers - Modern Dislocation

48. Tim Fite - My Hands

47. Total Bummer - Special Things

46. Parenthetical Girls - A Song for Ellie Greenwich

45. Pit Er Pat - The Cairo Shuffle

44. Boo and Boo Too - No Tempo

43. Emiliana Torrini - Me And Armani

42. TV on the Radio - Shout Me Out

41. Hello Blue Roses - Scarecrow

Joan as Police Woman - To Survive

That's your nurse's Dakota Fanning impression, which I don't get, but would've got turned on by if she didn't bound and gag all those gas stations, which must've took some time because she had to locate the mouth of the gas station, especially since those blind photographers were using pastrami cameras and they were leaving pill trails in the shape of bar graphs which explained lard puked by mentally mature children ages 4-9 that appeared in various cream commercials, the top two creams being Sour and NAMBLA brand sooth-to-touch, both of which, incidently (mancidently) are great as a natural separator when pulling out rib cages of small animals, I mean if you can't pull out a cardinal's rib cage- who let you in the century, and another thing- can we say things are the best of the century yet or do we have to wait a certain amount of years to bestow such an honor or can I call the letter 'i' the letter of the century, I'll ask toys r us, who I believe only exists for christmas and don't use magic enough in their commercials, because they have a cow giraffe rather than a wolf giraffe or a condor giraffe, its a little different- but it doesn't have to be expensive- just fun.

That's your budget plan: The Start of My Heart

Thing I wouldn't want to piss: a Xmas Tree

Fire on Fire - The Orchard

Hey duck dicks. Breakthrough recently. With me, not medically or for the greater good- selfishly for me. I recently started (drum roll... DRUM ROLL! DA-RUM RRRRR-OLL!)... I recently started using my arms! Its great. Loooove it. I can now do push ups without bending my dick. Holding is so much easier. Door knobs, once seemingly impossible, are now just an everyday happenstance. I can now brush my teeth, wipe my butt, eat less messy, and properly communicate with the deaf! Right now, I'm scratching a my back acne- and its great! Thanks to using my arms, I really know what it is to live. Before they were just these sexy accessories (sexcessories) that kind of just hung there. Now- I'm touching, allowing birds to perch there, and, boy, has it made murder easier. So arms. wah wah WAH!

Jennifer Aniston ice breaker: Heavy D

Too much success and need to lose that money?: Implant jewelry in yr pets!

DJ Mujava - Township Funk

What if Pinocchio was a duck? Obviously still wooden. Obviously. Like obviously. DUH. A duh. Duh. ObviouslytheduckiswoodenI'mtalkingaboutpinocchioduh. But- un-duh: what would grow? Or what is the nose of a duck? Would the whole beak grow? Nah.  Just the top beak creating a huge dichotomy of top and bottom beak making it near impossible/hilarious/gentle/bowler's delight/poopsy for a duck to eat? Per chance. Would just his nostrils grow eventually becoming two huge holes that he can hide in the holes and store flat-screen TVs in there? More likely because that is an even funnier mental image. Or do ducks actually have a nose that I don't know about? Other Duckocchio questions: would he eat the cricket? Would he want to be a real duck or a real boy? Is Hermione cheating at Yahtzee? Do suburbs have better yachts? Charming principles? "Neck"? Have we been cloistered recently? An italian duck would taste saltier, not as crispy, and wouldn;t tell you where all that money is coming from.

How I got here today: Township Funk

My new term for vagina: Beans

Apse - Eras

"So what does she want for christmas?... a barbie? Then why are we in the knife section .... no that would be dangerous.... well then where would you find a dress for the knife? plus you're just asking for that knife to get stained. And i know you're daughter, she'd want the doll to have hair... no i don't think i know your daughter better than you do... yes, yes i think she'd be overall disappointed so in that regards you're correct, but..... well, i see it as she's getting a knife. why don't you just buy a barbie and a knife... then why don't you just buy a barbie and combine the knife with it.... no thats not the same question, one is get both, the other is combine both... i'm sorry you see it that way, on so many levels- i'm sorry you see it that way... well if you are ganna make the knife look like a barbie, don't hide the blade and tell her its a knife immediately before she hurts herself... no, again, i don't know your daughter better than you... yes i know her name, its your name with a Y instead of an A.... now why are we in the daughter raping section?

Barnes and Nobles can't help themselves: The Gloom

Jacket color: red

Psychic TV - Mr. Alien Brain vs The Skinwalkers

Traffic delays are in the 30s due to an overturned tractor trailor. Horton heard several who's this morning causing massive delays along I-30. At the fork crossing along Tapenzy Room is flushed to the corner. Several magnifying glasses smell like wet pizza so there will be massive delays up your tree butt. Most roads are leading, pinstripes are slimming, coupons coupons coupons are an overturned truck causingmassive strokes in the Vinsertinnni area of Walloypey Warderta. Shrek is an ogre and is therefore mean, so we're experiencing outbound deli's. Rules in pools of drools by mules that are fools. Icy roads inside an overturned truck are now an official township of Jersey. Ground clouds and air floods and overturned trucks for the next 7 miles.

Slow, s-low, ssllooww: Papal Breakdance

How was your weekend?: o y'know, pretty good.

Kria Brekkan - Apotrapaiosong Armor

Other names Best Buy considered: Winner Value,  Top Obtainment, Ace Procure, Superlative Purchase, Great Great, Customer Service Does, First Steal, Imitable Deal, Boss Closeout, Premium Bargain, Non Worst Acquisition

Other things Best Buy considered selling: Chowder, Celebrity Neck Hair, Plumber's Corpses, Stool Pigeons, Quacks, White Slaves, Diabetic Slaves, Auctions, Airports, Losange Manufacturing Equipment, Do It Yourself Major Bridges, Wet, Nervous Ticks

Other things Best Buy doesn't want me t do in their store: make House Season 2 DVD forts, Surf, Ask if that comes in Lawnmower, hide the severed toes of Stacy London, put my CD in prevalent spaces (employee's faces), Recycle my fluids, ask "do you have any that aren't stupid?", Tell Everyone in the store that Lil Romeo is out front, poop in washers, hit eject-poop in in DVD player disc holder-poop make mess, constantly ask what cell phones are, Stack, make phone shoes, make blender cars, pretend to be blind, hide Wii games in fridges, Tarzan swing, Telling everyone in the store I have Ace Young in my trunk and I will kill him if I don't get all the remotes.

Girl, way to put out a great record in December when no one can list it: Giddy Walks on Sand without Skin on

Its limited: so I can't find an album cover

Christmas Decoarations - Far Flung Hum

I didn't put that chicken nugget in your coffee... I mean I didn't, I do see it in there, but I didn't put it in there... I know you didn't ask for it, but you just asked for a regular, maybe in this cafe it is regular to have suprises... yeah just like a cracker jack... no... no it isn't regular in this cafe... no cracker jack's are not regular things.... wait, how do you know its a chicken nugget? did you bite it?... then you just can't assume its chicken, saying its chicken makes you seem like you put it in there yourself... you call it just a nugget... i dunno, steak nugget, bunny nugget, breaded monkey butt crumb nugget, I could've hacked off a piece off the girl I raped and just deep fried it.... I said what?... you misheard, I was talking about Apollo 13.... no I think it was Gary Sinise... no I don't mean that the actor Gary Sinise put a nugget in your coffee... I wouldn't rule it out... OK... I'll get you 3 new coffees... one might have a wedding ring in there, I needed to wash the blood off of it.... if you want, sure... o... ok.... will you marry me?... wait, you didn't pay.

Denim jacket comeback story: Sceptered

I'll remember this morning: Drake and Josh are on the Today show

Guns 'n Roses - Chinese Democracy

In honor of this record- this post will be more disappointing than you expect.

Alternate song not used in the Lion King:

(african chants) AIIIIIIIIIII asoDAasoDADA um nanana oom nanana OK I can't do this its racist (to the animals and to the disney) That movie was perfect! What did we learn from that movie? Run away from your problems until you're ready to face them.

I didn't actually listen to: this

Disney misused asians: in Mulan

Peggy Sue and the Pictures - The First Aid EP

Some Demand leads to:

Signs that the person you're dating is your dad.

You develop an accent.

You wear thicker coats.

Cars seem smaller.

You don't watch American TV.

You're bathroom is hilariously dirty.

Your respect in Evel Knievel rises.

You no longer watch the Today Show.

You no longer quote Entourage.

You were probably on That 70s Show.

You get quieter around giant holes (canyons).

You understand Busta Rhymes lyrics.

You end up having an affair with fire.

You call your dad Babe Ruth.

Constant Erections.

Constant Blank Stares.

Then I type something.

You end up homeless and impress yourself by saying you were a boxer who only fights sandwiches.

It's christmas and you're dying.

Protect your nest egg, investment refinancial weight loss: The Sea The Sea

This is a noun: Transplant

Cold Cave- Painted Nails

How to Get the most out of your Rape Whistle

Thank you for purchasing the Murple Liio ape Whistle. I meant Rape. Your anger and response time hopefully led you to the perfect level of rape whistle for you. By now you've tried blowing into it and hearing the high pitch whistle. Excellent. Here's some friendly tape I mean tips to get the most out of your Murple Liio Rape Whistle: Use the Murple Liio Lube to wet your mouth area to get the hardest blow. Do not microwave the rape whistle. Keep out of reach of celebrities (they don't get raped, they get press). When raped, use whistle (try to before the rape begins- remember its a whistle to PREVENT rape).

I'm done quickly and there is no book: I've seen the Future and its no place for me

Kristen Chenowith: you did it girl!

Emilie Mover - Good Shake, Nice Gloves

Loyalty Issues Perceived in: Ordinary Day

The keyword in all these: pregnatude

Welcome Wagon - Welcome to the Welcome Wagon

In honor of Turkey Jesus wearing white for the first time (Turkey Jesus rose from the dead as the Great Pumpkin)(Heath Ledger Jesus is set to rise during Barack Obama's first Presidential Bowel Movement), I'm posting my resume:

Caleb "See BOLT" Shively

987789 Working Walker Blvd

Sea Boom, IO 30333

insurancescam31@alt.f1

Education

Moment's College for the Unmotivated, October 2003-January 2004

-degree in Breaking Shit

LYLAS Correctional Functional Facilital High School, summer 1999, homewrecker

-literally am part of the school, my cum is in the foundation (I jacked off in the sement mixer)

Various Elementary Schools (Ph. D)

Unregistered bird student, Fowler's School of Hard Flocks

Work Experience 

Slave, Whenever - Currently

The Ad Corp.

-selling body rights, legal name, my children's rights for pocket cash

Writer,

Dora The Explorer February 2007

- Fired. For stealing. And solely writing for an anthropomorphic rape whistle.

Mad Scientist,

Self Employed 1990-2005

-helped Bill Clinton re-lection. Mostly just cut off interesting ears I saw.

Race Engineer,

Improve Your Mood Foundation 70s, 80s

- specialized in making Asians less asian looking

Coat hanger,  1929-1967

Edina's Living Things House-atoria

-Excelled. Was there til business went under. We freaked the fuck out of kids!

Author, 

"Knock Knock Joke: Orange you glad..."

References

Lyle "You're Late" Blottenberg, Employer, "We Watch 'Curve Your Enthusiasm' With You Enterprises"

Buzz Lightyear, ex-lover (died of heart attack, but still a reference)

This is actually an awesome record, and here's how I'll sell it to you: Sufjan Stevens produced

Best Thanksgiving Parade Float: Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

Klaus & Kinski - Tu Hoguera Esta Ardiendo

Should I do a post tomorrow? In saying this I am recognizing my life support life stylie way of  one post per one day. But it is a holiday and I am yesterday's coffee. So it's like this, its like  the hop you experience after digging up a grave to practice finding cancer, its the soaking meat you piled on in that grave so that after you re-buried (re0buried) the body, wild animals will come and dig it up. Do I respect the holiday/do I have time on this holiday/Am I survivor of the electric holocaust (if it electric exists)/ do the cramps I experience in my face make the elephant on my t-shirt look like he's pulling even more vertigo patients/ is the business behind Senior pictures ethical in that someone wants to do it? I'm supposed to be asking myself if I want nay need nay neeeeed to write any entry tomorrow. Pro: yes. Cons: eh, no.  Would it make sense to- because it would not. No one is dying and only minimal people are suffering and the stairs in the bathroom lead to the toilet but its more fun to pee on the stairs. OK- on topic- yes I will do one tomorrow, but I probably will. So those are both yeses. Because it's a nice.

Where the line is blurred between bucket and hat: Flashback Al Reves

How to look cool without being cool: 'Locals Only'

Happy Hollows - Imaginary EP

Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Syth Myen. A recent study has shown that up to 50% of adult women have used an orange to give themselves a third boob, not to be outdone, bananas make a good penis.... Ann Coulter recently had surgery on her jaw causing her mouth to be wired shut, now only if they could only wire shut her mouth..... After 16 years Guns N Roses finally released their 'Chinese Democract' album, here to comment is Xian Liut Fan, a Chinese Democrat, Xian... "Thank You, Syth. As I am not talking with any accent, because I am not in anyway a stereotype of a chinese person, for example, I pee in hamburgers, not coke, I'm afraid of dying, and I've never seen a dragon. Now so, Guns n Roses is a band and their ideas of our democracy don't provide a solid structure to a government unless vague lyrics about woman and contemplations over raucous behavior do in fact lead to prosperous democratic evolution. I am now wrapping up because I really don't feel like talking."...Xian Liut Fan, everybody, he's actually Kanye West..... OK whatever, this is Caleb now. This is more of a statement on how stupid I think weekend update is rather than just me trying to write 'well' and be 'funny' rather its a potshot at the instituton of weekend update by appyling even lamer activity with less sense to show how crappy weekend update is when it does make sense, did I really need to explain myself? Ok whatever.

Shrimp, tread mill, this song: Colors

I actually like: Kevin Nealon, Tina Fey, Norm McDonald

The Fireman - Electric Arguments

What I think the plot to the new Will Smith movie, "Seven Pounds", probably is about.

Will Smith has this white friend who gets him into a predicament. Will Smith plays it cool then overreacts, but doesn't want it to go overboard so he conforms. He doesn't want to go overboard because he has a kid or something. And then he goes against his conforming because he's so black. And there's a chick who doesn't love him but loves him. And then this tree is like "how do you lose it" and Will Smith is like "nod ya head" and then there's a scene where he runs and makes a joke about his independance and then a bullet proof vest sells him pills and Will Smith is all "got 101 dalmatians on your CD-ROM" and then he's inferred to his light hearted manner with a reminiscent tale of size and then a cancer survivor argues with him, and Will Smith says "Carlton! Welcome to Earth, the city where the heat is on. I would say, he had on some pretty nice pants. I,Robot line." No one jacks him off and someone with glasses pats him on the back. The beach cries and a cash register looses its snake in a motorcycle sex crime.

Hiding Tums in Thanksgiving kisses: Sun is Shining

Will Smith should actually be: Robert Townsend (the meteor man, the parent hood)

Los Campesinos - We Are Beautiful We Are Doomed

Signs that you're dating someone that is your mom.

Wherever you go, people throw up at you.

She cuts the crust off of your sandwich, and the crust is your pubes and the sandwich is your tenders.

She picks out clothes you don't like but it doesn't matter cuz she's just going to use them to tie you to the bed and mop up your sploot.

She likes LaGuardia over JFK.

You get more sex on Mother's day than you remember as a kid.

You get deja vu when sucking on her tits.

When you say 'motherfucker' you feel the singe of hypocrisy crawling up your spine.

Your mom's friends don't talk to you or her anymore. Also anyone. Anyone doesn't talk to you.

You seem to have bad luck when actually it is God condemning you.

Your penis smells like your dad's penis.

Constant erections.

Jurassic Space Cadaver Digital Hardback Government (Formed Rear Seventh) Fight Song: We Are Beautiful We Are Doomed

Best line from last night's 30 Rock: "Camp of Approval? What does that even mean?"

Lioness - Channels

I have to get in line to see Twilight right now, so: 

Its not that funny. But it is. It's more of a cop out, because I do this every morning in about 20 minute span before I poop and shower (yes, correct, I shower after I poop so  don't have to wipe). Also the video builds up. To quote someone who said it "its Kubrick-esque" and to quote Robin Williams in Toys "We're going to fight fire with Marshmallows" (Toys had 2 Oscar nominations- whey!). So in conclusion-  I am in no way seeing Twilight... what's it even about, the blues?

one fifth of this album: The Sport of Land and Money

Anglo stereotype: better whistlers

Max Tundra - Parallax Error Beheads You

personal growth as best one can express in the midst of getting stabbed in the world's tiniest elevator where you're on the 2nd floor and going to the 57th.

"O the decades, I have befleshed, and the vast number of idols who have sung the birthday song to me while wasting food in front of a crowd of Africans I had paid to come to America and watch us, faking hypothermia on black friday just so we could end up stealing thousands of dollars and toilet seats from a cracker barrel, and the time I convinced NBC to have The Office to start each letter of their dialogue to spell a message to my dad that I fucked his stepmom. But now, but now- as I die here on this- what floor is that- 4? Ay. Well move back, you're getting blood on you... its on your mouth... where was I? What do you mean you don't remember... does anyone else remember what I was saying... Jeeps, people quit getting my blood on you... you all going to the 57th floor... yeah they have free communion crackers and boogie boards...no, no- don't stop the elevator, I'm fine.... NO. DON'T.... I learned, just now, that it doesn't matter what kind of underwear your penis breaks through cuz my penis is so big, what matters is, excuse me- trying to make a point here,  is helping people, and thats why we're not stopping, what floor now.... 11.... fuck.... my blood is starting to collect in this tiny elevator..its covering the logo on your chuck's... ok I know none of you are listening. I'll shut up, but, real quick- which one of you stabbed me?

People's Sexiest Dog Alive: Orphaned

Santa feature that should be exploited: his mexican heritage

It's A Musical - The Music Makes Me Sick

Reverse psychology works perfectly in constipation. When you can't poop, shove a ball of poop up your butt. It will remind your poop that there is light at the end of your buttel tunnel, and/or make your poop jealous. Also I feel shoving anything up your split will not only widen, but loosen. Even if you can't poop the constipooption, you can probably squeeze out the shoved up poop, so it will build up your c.o.n.f.i.d.e.n.c.e. (the f stands for functionist!).  So populace, where to find said pounds of extra poop? Just start jarring your brown town villagers in ice. But you're constipated? Well, I shouldn't tell you where to get poop. Getting poop is super sexy easy. You have a family and friends riiight? They sleep don't they? POOP COMES OUT THEIR BUTT. Just stick a grabby claw up there and yank a winner out. Poop poop poop. Also homeless shelters and toilets and Sally Field are never-dry sources of fecal functionst. Put poop up you're butt. It's energy saving. So no more constipation, and this would make a great song.

When I pee it sounds suspiciously like: Pain Song

Next 'green' fad: outlaw adult diapers

Rolo Tomassi - Hysterics

Rolo Tomassi is the reason why I became a cop. Now that that's out of the way:

There are only a handful of words/causes/loots that can shift itself into a "-nomic"... for example- people still use Reaganomics to make stupid jokes about the 80s and childhood, or how I just invented Kremlinomics . That almost sounds real. But those are 2 examples of the zero times this can makes sense. Because -nomics isn't a cute way or creative way to purvey anything. I wouldn't call my favorite half of X-files Scullynomics, cuz it lacks any warp. If anything it falls flat on its ear ass because it didn't hear what I didn't say. And I'm not saying anything. "-nomics" is a tyranny depicted in films about eating where they play the health council's lover. I'm not saying saying things like deathwatchnomics to describe how much money you're paying for grandma to die with dignity. Or John Stocktonomics to describe the finiancial impact of the first time you masturbated to a man. What I'm saying is that words are better than that. Words like ipod and quarreler, staunch words that always ask to be skins in pickup games. Alright. I'm just pissed Dinomics, my pre-historic dinosaur children's financial show didn't get picked up. We said things like "nickels can buy you only one pretzel rod, and those will snap off in most orifices... stick with sticks kids! they're free and really make your curiosity scream!". The lead character was a Dilopasaurus named Total who was good at spitting number and her best friend was a slow but loveable prehistoric sow named Nardsuckle. TV, riiiight?

They don't make reverse shoes: Abraxas

Bedroom accessory for 2009: holes!

Fennesz - Black Sea

Scene from a men's locker room.

"how come we never listen to music in the locker room?" "I dunno, I guess we don't want to set a mood, just keep things neutral" "I could go for some Allman, y'know?" "Listen, Archibald, I can see just talking about music music is getting you excited, so now I'm not one for having music now" "so I'm excited, I mean I am, but So" "Archibald I can see your dozer" "What" "Archibald, your arch is balding" "say wah" "Archibald, your teenage mom is proud" "tah wah zah?" "Archibald, your child safety law is in effect" "Sniiiiii?" "Archibald, Wringling Bros. is in the borough" "I guy fin I?" "Archibald, you're stinky rollercoaster just got repaired, you're West Wing got more Martin SHEEN, you're lollipop just got tastier, you're erect penis wants to be in my mouth, your marriage proposal is longer, your sympathetic conglomerate nature is fighting the neo-crescent light rail to the trinquisitive road scouts on the angular modernity focus. Archibald, your dick is margot kidder" "Oh... Ohh, shit... well can you get one too, I don't want to be the only one pointing to venus" "fine,  lets just touch them together" "wow, yours is heavier than mine, whats your secret?" "i hang wifebeaters off of it" "man, i could chip a tooth on that thing!" "O Ma Gahd look! Its crowning"

The second track on this album: The Colour of Three

New Ironic non-ronic things to say to make you seem funny: Reference Blue Steel from Zoolander when someone looks at you