Special Segment: The Search for Higher Meaning: Animaniacs "Acquaintences"

Hey what's up. Dumb Reviews has decided that every Friday, we will do a special segment. Last week was special segment week, and those went over well enough. So every month has 4 Fridays, and each of those will correlate to a special segment I did last week. But some months have 5 Fridays, and that's where this post comes in. This special segment is called The Search for Higher Meaning. I did a post like this before about Tex Avery's Who Killed Who, and I like cartoons so much that I might as well do a post like this every once in a while. Today: Animaniacs in "Acquaintences".

The Animaniacs took Steven Spielberg's idea of bastard Looney Tune Children that became Tiny Toons, into a more satirical, original route. It was a more conventional comedic grouping, and moved away from the shadows of Looney Tunes into a more Chuck Jones/ Tex Avery style of mayhem. Needless to say Chuck Jones and Tex Avery made the best Looney Tunes, but their shadows extend to a much more prolific grounds. That's just me on my high horse though.

Animaniacs took risks and didn't really care about its child audience. They simply knew the kids would be there because its a cartoon. The result of which was a smart, modern comedy. This specific episode captures the mentality pretty well. The 3 antagonistic protagonists are thrown in a situation and annoy people we find annoying. Simple simple simple. The jokes work on many levels. As physical gags, and as just a parody of Friends.

We get a small undercut of immigration jokes which is made all the more funnier when put against the idea of a show like Friends. People come to New York for this freedom, but really Americans are just spoiled 'trendies drinking cups of joe'. That line is taken from the Acquaintences Theme Song, as biting satire to sum up Friends in with the opening line "who would ever thought that this could be a show?" The music throughout the episode is spot on- from the clapping in the theme to the linking electric guitar riffs. Everything is spot (but by design, not necessarily) on. Broad strokes are taken to the Friends paradigm, which comes off as mean- but I kind of enjoy that.

The criticisms of the episode, and in fact Animaniacs overall, is their stagnation in remaining a testament. The bits, such as instead of throwing the Warners out- the Friends cast is somehow thrown out instead, are funny- but funny in a classic manner. It really all depends how much you have seen the joke before. They even hit the same joke twice in referencing sitcoms. While The Brady Bunch joke works more as a non sequitar to eat up time, the Seinfeld joke works as a natural ending. It's more ho hum than anything, but so was the nature of cartoons in the 90s. They were great to an extent, bogged down by their love of nostalgia. Animaniacs can deliver episodes like Acquaintances all they want, and they'll make you laugh (directly calling Matt LeBlanc Tony Danza is really funny). They also make you want to watch other cartoons as well. Thank goodness we had Slappy the Squirrel, the Hip Hippos, Good Feathers, Chicken Boo, Randy Beaman's friend Colin, Good Idea Bad Idea, and Pinky et the Brain to round them all out.

I'm glad that Animaniacs existed and had the same view of Friends I did. I'm glad they can sneak in jokes like a sexy silhouette and make it turn out to be just Yakko. I'm glad they can reference how stupid laugh tracks are, and I'm glad they can make fat jokes and references to foiles bergere without batting an eye. I'm just not going to tell you I love it. Animaniacs- you're about a B in my book.

Review: The 1st verse of 'Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See" by Busta Rhymes

Twenty Ten.

Hot shit.

Check it out.

So this post isn't to take any of the accomplishments made by Busta Bust- I mean he helped make it acceptable to say woo hah, he was in a resurrection of the Halloween move franchise (Halloween: Ressurection), and he was the third best part of 'I Love My Chick' after Kellis and Will.He.Be. But- honestly- in 'Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See' I don't get him. Is he trying to be funny, or fundamentally ironic or something?

Hit you with no delayin so what you sayin yo
Silly with my nine milly what the deally yo
When I be on the mic yes I do my duty yo

-OK first three lines here: all end in Yo. One you're allowed, and you used it right away. 2, you say what the deally yo a lot, that's great I'm not mad. 3- You just added yo. We wanna keep things rhymey so we can bust them, but you just added Yo. That's not busting rhymes, that's taking the easy way out. Taykin E-Z WayOw is how you would spell that name that you deserve. There's more.

Wild up in the club like we wylin the studio
You don't want to violate nigga really and truly-o

-You used studio, an actual word that fits. Trying to build up your credit. Next line: you cashed it all in again by simply adding O. You know who does that? People who can't rap.

My main thug nigga named Julio he moodio
Type of nigga that'll slap you with the toolio
Bitch nigga scared to death ask fruity-o
Fuck that look at shorty she a little cutie-o
The way she shake it make me want to get all in the booty yo

-All the first verse is- o sounds so the listener knows when a line is done. Also I don't think you have an acquaintance named Julio. If you did, he wouldn't want to be part of a song where you invent a word to describe him to keep up with your rhyme scheme. Nevermind that the made up word is already a word just with -io at the end, making it not a good made up word, but your actual name fits within the rhyme scheme and Busta doesn't use it to the full potential. That being said- the next three lines rhyme without the o. Fruity, Cutie, Booty. But you've made your bed, you're lying in it, your ass sweat causes the sheets to cling to your body. Also you're a rapper and you used booty in your song. You're lucky this was 1997.

Tap mistresses and bangin bitches in videos
Wild up in my freak like we up in the freak shows
Hit you with the shit make you feel it all in your toes
Hot shit got all you niggas in wet clothes
Stylin my metaphores when I formulate my flows
If you don't know you're fuckin with the real player pros (like that)

-You're using real words now- great. Just great. I can argue that saying freak and freak show in the same line is redundant, but I'm impressed with your ability to rhymes Toes and Wet Clothes. 2 of my favorite visuals. But when you say Styling my Metaphors when I formulate my Flows, is that the excuse you are giving for adding -o to most of the lines in the first verse? They were a product of styled and formulated flows? You answer my question saying that I am fucking with the real player pros, but I don't see a downfall to fucking with (again redundant) real player pros. What is the ultimatum you are giving me- and what is the purpose of the song? Like what?

Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See is a necessary evil title/chorus. It paved the way for much stupider instructions (like Leaning Back) in rap songs, and it made us think that Busta Rhymes had a hand fetish. The second verse is better- out of the 24 lines- he ends them with the word us in 8 of them, that 25%. Luckily he found out about adjectives. Adjectives such as: curious, mysterious, murderous, serious, victorious, marvelous, yea you get the picture. You get the picture so much that Busta Rhymes is a multi-millionaire from it. Like I said, er, implied, he's a fun guy. He was on arguably the best song on the Space Jam soundtrack. He was sent back in time by William Shakespeare on Celebrity Death He's friends enough with Space Ghost (note this clip sucks, but it the only one on Youtube). He just needs to apply himself like he did on Iz They Wildin Wit Us and Gettin Rowdy Wit Us?

I look forward to hearing his response.

Review: People who say their Goatees are inspired late career Ray Bourque

There is exactly one good reason to have a goatee. And that reason is an excuse and that excuse is: you didn't know you had one. Like you fell asleep with out one and didn't look at the mirror all day, or you just fell over and strategic parts of your face hit razors so slightly as to shave of your beard cheeks. I'm fine with that. Looking down the line of people who had a goatee, I find hardly anybody I respect on that list. Not even Common can pull one off (please not the visual idea of someone ripping Common's goatee off). The list of goatee'd men is closer to the list of people I enjoy through irony: Ray Traylor aka Big Boss Man, Maynard Krebs aka not Gilligan, the one with the beret on Mythbusters... but then we get to late stage career Ray Bourque. A long time Boston Bruin, he realized the only way to win a championship was to abandon hope and sell out. Ray Bourque is still to this day the only Boston Bruin I can name, so him jumping ship is the equivalent of Cal Ripkin Jr playing for the Florida Marlins, or Allen Iverson playing team basketball. I think Ray Bourque knew what he was doing, and I think Ray Bourque had some mild Star Trek knowledge. As we recall evil Spock had a goatee. So did evil Cartman. So Ray Bourque growing a goatee because he recognizes that he is an evil bastard with bastard tendencies is almost a good enough reason to have a goatee.

So everyday people have goatees. Best Buy Employees, Your Little Sister's Boyfriend, The bassist in your neighbor's kid's band. I assume because they are bored. No matter what they might tell you, they did not think this through. The goatee had to be seen on someone and then through a series of brain thinking, the conclusion of "Say, that looks good" was arrived. Now Ray Bourque's tight goat came after a career defined by non-goatee playing. But his Stanley Cup came when he did have the circle beard. Which, at the time, temporarily lifted the curse of goatee. Everyone was so happy for Ray that we didn't care about his face being splotched on by prickly spines of hair that ranged from white to orange. We just wanted to see someone happy after having that person have a great last name for so long. Therefore- people who say their goatee is inspired by Ray Bourque are still awful. But at least you can think about how awful they are even more.

Now Ray only had the facial feature for the playoffs, the playoffs were he was carried by a much more talented team designed to win a championship for Ray so people would remember that this is the team a popular player won his championship with. Traditionally one grows a playoff beard. Ray Bourque though had to trump those ideals and trim that shit up a bit. Trimming is a word associated with vanity. Now vain Ray Bourque is the Ray Bourque we always see when we see him with the Stanley Cup. What an awful way to remember a man who had more shots on goal by far than anyone in NHL history. Look at that goatee- its like Satan's curly butthole hairs.

Review: Stomach Cramps

Stomach cramps make you realize how soft your stomach is. Even if you work out. Even if you work out odd. Even if you work in. Not to mention the pain associated with stomach cramps. More like stomach clamps, huh? For a mental picture- your stomach is a pumpkin hollowed out to such an extreme degree the walls are as thick as 3 nickels taped together. Now fill that pumpkin with fresh sea water, and find the angriest clam you can. (Angry clams are a delicacy amongst people who can detect emotional state within their food (have you tried grateful cow?) so you'd have to go to the angriest sea to find such clams. Brought to you by The Adriatic Sea Tourism Bureau.) So you have these angry clams in the pumpkin and the pumpkin is your stomach. Eventually these clams will get perturbed by their confinement they will swish and swarsh their hard shell bodies with pointier tips into the pumpkin lining. All that description was so I can say Stomach Clams. Can I make any more jokes? Oh- in indonesia when they get stomach cramps, they make you wrestle other stomach cramped people, while both your hands are tied together above your head- the winner of the fight is the Stomach Champs. So that's clamps, clams, and champs. 3 wordplay is usually enough. Don't wanna over do the word play.

DING DONG.... oh that's my blog's doorbell, let me answer that.

"Congratulations Mr Shively! You have made it through a blog entry about Stomach Cramps and did not make a poop joke once!"

Really! Thanks, I mean I couldn't of done it without a little help from my friends.

Review: This on Facebook

Yeah, you're probably reading this on Facebook. That's a good thing. That you're even reading this is a GOOD THING. But, this on Facebook looks like I'm just a plethora of notes. I am certain you are smart enough to realize this is a link to a blog, DumbReviews.blogspot.com, but am not confident enough with myself to not mention so.

So this mentions so and it gets it out of the way. Getting it out of the way is all I really wanted to do. And since I am, I might as well say that comments don't appear on the blog if you comment on Facebook- which isn't to discourage you from commenting, please do, but to say to you to comment on the blog in case you don't want to keep being notified if other people comment. See I'm helping. Really this entry serves no purpose in the long run, it'll just remind me that I link to it on Facebook and was concerned about that linking for a minute there. Also, I put in a picture of one of those wolf boys trying to be normal. He almost has it down. Aside from all the hair growing out of his face.

YOUR HANDS ARE CLEAN: Armand Assante in Fatal Instinct

The Hollywood Spoof Movie is a grand tradition. For some. For me: it's an excuse to be absolutely ridiculous without much repercussion. Where as Airplane! and The Naked Guns proved not just a gold standard of not just spoofing but of comedy in general, the current set of parody movies, starting with Scary Movie and continued being trashed in any movie with the word movie in the title since then (exception being Scary Movie 3) have all but ruined spoofing. In the 90s, thanks to the Naked Gun, 2 Hot Shots! movies, and the great Mel Brooks, we had the twilight years of Spoof movies. And since Mel Brooks did it, we had Carl Reiner trying his hand at it with 1993's "Fatal Instinct".

Lampooning Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, Body Heat, and a host of other 'erotic thrillers' was a great 'of course' idea since the early 90s was the commercial peak of the genre. With Carl Reiner directing and a hilarious title in place- the movie couldn't possibly fail, could it? And of course: it failed, making less than $8 million in theaters. Maybe people didn't want to see sexy movies in a goofy light, maybe people were confused because there was a takes-it-serious movie called Fatal Instinct with Michael Madsen a year earlier, maybe people realized that this was stupid, hackey jokes that are too easy to make. Fatal Instinct was rated PG-13 and, yes, it does pander to the audience as if they were deaf passengers on a plane being instructed on how their seats act as a flotation device.

That however- is through no fault of the movie's lead (and the reason for writing this entry) Armand Assante. Assante gravitates the gruff outlines of film noir sleaze with the imminment yet subtle fierceness. This allows his dialouge to really zing, as Assante delivers each line as if they were part of a grittier and more intense movie.

Where as Leslie Nielsen was the whole enchilada for the Naked Gun, Assante is the spicy after taste for Fatal Instinct. Playing it straight is the essential element of parody, and Assante is so straight that he becomes part of the movie. So, to a typical audience, we get what is known as Dewey Cox syndrome, where we believe the character too much that it clouds our vision of the overall spoofiness of the movie. It is why Charlie Sheen, in the way we would never take him seriously, was perfect for the Hot Shots franchise. Assante hits the stride in his character's gallup and takes the movie from a simple spoof into a spoof with some hair on its chest. Check out Fatal Instinct's ridiculous sex scene, and notice how Assante delivers the line "I forgot my keys", its so sharp and straight that it cuts the haha tone in half.

Link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwp-Ok7qwvg

(also the best line in the movie goes to Sean Young- o baba loo)

Assante isn't a comedian by any means, but he is an actor by SUPER ULTRA MEGA means. He digs in too deep for a movie too shallow. The plot takes too many turns, cramming in too many parody storylines, but the acting of Armand Assante at least keeps the movie from turning into a call and response mess of Epic Movie proportions. Fatal Instinct- see it, don't see it- doesn't really matter much.

What's important here is that we recognize that though Fatal Instinct can be considered a failure, a reactionary impulse to the times- one that undermines itself with stale gags, Armand Assante's performance and reputation should not be sullied. He remains the palm tree you cling to during this storm. Armand Assante there is no blood on your hands. Your hands are clean.

WHAT MY THEME SONG SAYS ABOUT ME: Perfect Strangers

The theme song to a television show is pretty unimportant for something very very important. I honestly don't know how I can make that anymore clear.

Perfect Strangers' Theme song "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now" was a song that could only exist within the realms of being a theme song. Was it good? No. Was it cheesy and memorable parallel to the cheesiness and memorableness of the actual show? Indubitably. The song was written by perhaps the most prolific songwriters whose names you would never recognize- Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay, writers of not just this theme, but of Family Matters, Step by Step, and Full House theme songs. That's a whole lot of vague metaphors about togetherness.

But, ahem, what does the Perfect Strangers' theme say about Perfect Strangers? Well it establishes an aura of soft playfulness. The jittery keyboard is uplifted by the most welcoming of drum beats right off the bat, and then a little harmonica is thrown in there making you feel: relaxed. We don't have to worry about these strangers, because these strangers are light hearted characters with some relatable qualities. The theme's harmony says: "Ya know- these guys really are perfect strangers." Perfect being one of the most overused words of modern corporate marketing. Then we get lyrics:

Sometimes the world looks perfect,
Nothing to rearrange.
Sometimes you get a feeling
Like you need some kind of change.

-In the first 2 sentences, we get the entire backstory. There are 2 feelings these guys have felt in their lives. Perfection in their lives, and then a rejection of that perfection in the form of moving to Chicago with a person who will likely be the catalyst for a series of misadventures pertaining to one of you not being from the country. Eh, you're in your late 20s, go for it.

No matter what the odds are this time,
Nothing's going to stand in my way.
This flame in my heart,
And a long lost friend
Gives every dark street a light at the end.

- The golden line of a poorly written character, "Nothing's going to stand in my way". It doesn't get much more watered down relatable than that. You can have all the "Flame in my heart" and "light at the end"s in the world, because "nothing's going to stand in my way" is being sung. It's vapid, yet, through irony, quite poignant.

Standing tall, on the wings of my dream.
Rise and fall, on the wings of my dream.

-This is the best part of the song, and undoubtedly the part you remember. The rest of the song can suck it because I have dreams, and these dreams are flying. They are flying because they have wings. My dream grew wings and is now in a sky. And I am on those wings. I am falling while rising on those wings. On those dream wings my standing isn't short, my dream wing standing is tall. It is tall. On the wings of my dream. Just saying it makes me want to, I dunno, fix the leak in my den.

The rain and thunder
The wind and haze
I'm bound for better days.

It's my life and my dream,
Nothing's going to stop me now.

- Harmonica again to remind us: it's just a song for a TV show. We were so struck by the exuberance of the dream wing breakdown, that this harmonica comes in and slaps us back down to the couch saying "hey now watch this show". Which we likely did. Because that theme song let us know that we didn't have to think during this show. The images we saw were of a straight laced white guy and a foreign man, both with odd noses, galavanting about Chicago, while I know they at least have dreams, and, though I can't see it, I know they have feelings for each other.

The theme to Perfect Strangers outshines the Perfect Strangers show. You remember Balki. You remember Balki had semi-catchphrases or just said the same words in a funny way on a regular basis. You know Larry's haircut better than you know Larry. But, c'mon, you know that theme song more than anything. Its hollow sentiment and cotton soft instrumentation scream late 80s hopefulness. In fact- Treehouse of Horror 15 used the song instead of the regular theme, if not only for its irony, but for the 'perfect' button to its opening parodying of sitcom cliches. The Perfect Strangers theme songs sits atop a pile of TV theme songs as the shining example that TV themes are simultaneously rudimentarily lifeless and unabashedly thrilling. At least in the one part where the singer belts it out.

Everybody: Stan Ding TAAAAAALLL...

WAY TO READ A LINE: Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday

Sentences are what makes movies great. Sure, visuals, acting, and story all have their great say. But sentences can tie all those aspects together in harmonium. The sentences are where we understand situation. A great sentence can articulate emotion, character depth, situation, and tone of a movie all at once. The 'Way to Read a Line' portion of Dumb Reviews is a hall of fame of sorts for these sentences.

Freaky Friday. Have you seen it? It's alright if you haven't, its a disney movie starring Lindsay Lohan. It was the movie that let us know- 'uh oh, she's gonna be hot' after the delightful re-telling of The Parent Trap. Here we see Lindsay cast as a punk rocker styled teen, which is a way to show us she is a little bit rock n roll despite her little bit of country upbringing. The Parent Trap made Lindsay work, sharing most of her scenes with herself in a dual role. Here- Lindsay doesn't have to do much, as she is being carried by Jamie Lee Curtis.

Oh you know what line I am going to do. The line is so great, it pretty much is the entire movie.

1:17 mark (then you shouldn't watch the rest)

"OH I'M LIKE THE CRYPT KEEPER!!!!"

'Oh I'm like the crypt keeper'. The line establishes that Jamie Lee is here to play the game. She is willing to say stupid and genial lines with such gusto that a teenager who looks like a mom is not just plausible, but of course one exists. Jamie Lee just set the gold standard for the standard of adults who have switched with the body of their teenager (Hanks in Big does not count, no switching... the movie you're thinking of is Judge Reinhold/Fred Savage in Vice Versa). All in the line about a basic cable late 90s reference. The Lohan character would've been about 8 when Tales from the Crypt aired, but clearly the character (now in Mom form) couldn't think of anything uglier than the crypt keeper. But maybe not uglier... wrinklier, and older both are covered by the Crypt Keeper, as is the angst expressed in teen's and their nostalgic references. It also should be noted that Tales from The Crypt was dead and gone, but Disney did a good job of picking a safe target, one that was still well enough within our collective memory (not too soon, not too late) to get a whole harted chuckle out of.

I really can't think of anything else from that movie you need to know about. I have seen the movie, as it aired on a consistent basis on the Disney Channel back when Even Stevens re-runs were in about 3rd or 4th rotation. Mom switches body with daughter, they learn to love to live.... but just say the line to yourself plainly, now say it to yourself with the enthusiasm of Jamie Lee Curtis. It's ridiculous, and it is just what the movie needed. Too bad, nothing everTry saying it to your friend out of context, or to someone on the street. I haven't tried that, but I bet it'd be semi-funny. It's the best line from a C+ movie. The line alone explains why the plus is a necessary addition: sweet Jamie Lee.

Congratulation Jamie Lee Curtis-- Way to read a line.

LET'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGE OF!: Wishbone

As part of "special segment week", we have Let's Look at The IMDB Page Of!, a pretty self-explanatory title where we see what's going on with people we shouldn't care about.

CLICK THE PICTURE!

Quick Reminder:

A PBS kids show where they taught famous tale, legends, folklore, and popular literature by means of a dog imagining it, and that sentence isn't as cool as it sounds thanks to them trying to be educational. The dog was Wishbone, and he drew parallells to his owner's pre-teen problems. The owner, Joe, ONLY had a mom, 2 friends (one girl, one black), and a wacky neighbor who Wishbone would make the fool.

Glance over the IMDB page:

For seasons, it lists 1 2 and 4, and then unknown. Further prying shows there is no mention of a third season, and that Wishbone in its 3rd year simply ended the second season and started the 4th. Also, there were only 47 episodes of Wishbone and only 3 cast members- Joe, his mom, and his friend who is a girl (while the black friend only managed 45) played in them all. Wishbone's voice was only in 46 episodes and no explanation of the one episode without him is there, which is weird because he narrates each episode and is the title character to the show. 4 different dogs have gotten credit to play Wishbone, all with cute names: Soccer the dog, Bear the dog. Phoebe the dog, and Slugger the dog. The page later tells us Soccer was the star, and the rest were simply sunt dogs. So that shows us Soccer was too much of a primadonna to do his own stunts of digging up the garden or ringing the bells of Notre Dame (both of which Wishbone has done).

Let's look at the careers of:

Joe Talbot played by Jordan Wall - Moralistic teen Joe proved to be Jordan's albatross. He has only been in 3 non-Wishbone credits. They in included 'Teen' in Fact-based story about a woman's fight to get her rodeo star husband freed from a false murder conviction, and 'Straight Laced Teen' in Anarchist's Cookbook (which shows us that there is so little straigh lacedness in this movie that the straight laced characters don't even get a name). His character has a name in The President's Man: A Line in the Sand, whichs is the made for TV sequel to the made for made for TV movie The President's Man starring Chuck Norris.His short bio informs us that he won the role of Joe "after competing against some 2,300 young actors in an open casting call." Some 2,300! I also am not sure you counted! It also informs us that he played Free Safety for his High School Football Team in Texas.

Samantha 'Sam' Kepler played by Chritie Abbott - She ran with it after Wishbone, appearing in 5! credits afterward! My guess is because she is because she got hot and knows how to use photoshop. Christie is from Hawaii and modeled when she was a 3-year old.

Ellen Talbot portrayed by Mary Chris Wall - Mary Chris Wall Lady's and gentlemen, a somewhat veteran actress who had it, and kind of still has it, going on. She has appeared in on such hits as 24, Dexter, Saving Grace, Ghost Whisperer, Monk, and Corey in the House. My personal favorite credit though: UPN Blockbuster Shockwave Theater where she was the voice of Syndra. She looks a lot like Jordan Wall and they have the same last name, but there is no mention that they are related.

Larry Brantly as the voice of Wishbone - Larry continued with four other voice acting credits until he found the 2nd role of a lifetime as a bear named Boz. Boz is green and Christian. STATE REFERENCE: I, WANT, TO, BE, BOZ'S BITCH.

Adam Springfield (David Barnes (last names right?)) - Poor, ol' black friend. 2 other credits. One was JAG, the other was the Harry Hamlin vehicle Movie Stars, co-starring former cute 'n christian kid turned hottie teenage daughter Marnette Patterson- who I have discussed previously. Full circle. Oh, Harry Hamlin was in LA Law, but you should know that.

The most prevalent Wishbone, Soccer, is not the most succesful. That would happen to be Bear. Bear was also a dog named Dreyfuss across three different sitcoms: Empty Nest, Nurses, and The Golden Girls. He even has a credit as himself on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee.

The most successful person from the cast: Amy Acker, who went on to be in Angel.

Funniest Name: Chamblee Ferguson. Here's where I put together that there has been a lot of Wishbone/Walker Texas Ranger-crossover. I attribute this to both shows being filmed in Texas, and needings local extras.

Name I clicked on randomly: Jeanne Simpson, who memorably portrayed Joan of Arc, on Wishbone. Wishbone didn't play it himself as the role was for a woman and Wishbone could not simply see a woman's perspective. Jeanne is actually doing awesome appearing in 4 episodes of Mad Men and most recently Parks and Recreation.

I had to see: The guy who played Buddha- John William Galt. Not much karmic success lately. But some nice credits including the obligatory Walker T. Ranger, the voice of Lyndon Baines Johnson in both JFK and Forrest Gump, and the Warden in Problem Child.

15 Minutes into the page:

Wishbone is a unique page in that amongst its writing credits of unknown children's show writers are William Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Bill Maher writer Adam Felber, and the great Mo Rocca. I recommend checking out the gallery where we see many WishboneVHS home video covers. They not only show us such hilarious pictures, but let us in on hilarious titles like: the too accurately costumed Frankenbone, the weapon-rearing Paw Prints of Thieves, and the what the fuck is going on in Hot Diggety Dawg. A listing of the full episodes gives us such magnameneous titles as: Shakespaw, The Entrepawneur, Pup Fiction, and mildly racist pun intended Roamin' Nose. Wishbone actually has won all 4 Day-Time Emmy Nominations it received- 2 for costumer designer Stephen Chudel. It also has won a Peabody Award, back-to-back Critic's Choise Awards, but lost the heralded Kid's Choice Award for Favorite Animal. Also- Wishbone has an astounding 9.4/10 rating from 377 females who have voted. If anything, if you take the time to seek out Wishbone on IMDB and vote on it, you might as well vote high.

People are the BEST:

B Head 556 uses the message board to ask about the episode that "SCARED THE SHIZ out of" him, TacosRdelicious tells him it is the HG Well's Time Machine episode, while SweeneyLovesLovett uses the forum to admit to not being able to fall asleep without the TV on. Another users uses the message board for the personal use of asking everyone "Where is Baravelli_the_ice_lad_y????" I assumed she posted this all over IMDB message boards, but found out only through Wishbone has she tryed finding someone.

The least helpful user review was from samcracc who says "There was a place called Oakdale and there was a Jack Russel Terroir named who tells the stories in his imagination from a book. Bruno Nusen's dog is a very nasty dog that messes up peoples area. It was in an episode called Hercles Unleashed when Wishbone's bone is missing. Larry Brantley has done a great job of Wishbone's voice. These are very perfect characters for every story in every episode of Wishbone. Soccer the dog, Bear the dog, Pheobe the dog, and Slugger the dog are perfect dogs for Wishbone. This show is excellent you will like this show, Oakdale, the stories, and even Wishbone the dog." Looking at the rest of his reviews, he gives a lot of 10 stars out: Family Guy ("Why does Drew Barrymore can't do new episodes anymore"), I Now Prounounce You Chuck and Larry("o Chuck and Larry went to a costume party and need to find Alex Mcdonough. Chuck was dressed as a Vampire and Larry was dressed as an Apple. So Chuck found a person in a playmate costume (Davide Spade). They found her wearing a costume of the cat."), Random Children's Shows (such as Wee Sing in the Big Rock Candy Mountain), and an episode of Mad Money with Jim Kramer. His most helpful was one where he says he loves Homer Simpson, while his least helpful review was about the Star Wars Family Guy episode. Which means Simpsons users aren't dumb enough to use IMDB as a forum. He says 'Hilarius' a lot, and my favorite review of his is one of The Girls Next Door, which he gave a 10 to and says in the title "Kendra had a big butt when she was on a motorcycle in the Playboy shoot for the calendar".

Final thoughts:

Looking at the IMDB page one last time, I still feel no strong emotion toward anything that ever went on with the show, making me feel no guilt whatsoever for making fun of people on my blog on the internet. I do however remember most of the theme song, so they beat me in that regards.

Review: Special Segments

This week is a special week on Dumb Reviews. Special because the word 'special' itself is being applied to different segments throughout the week- so its a THEME WEEK on Special Segments! That is right, I am introducing a new segment everyday this week (though technically not today) that will be re-visited upon every so often. Remember when I did youtube videos about my current favorite NBA player with my dog? That was kind of a special segment. Or the 2 times I discussed the merits of putting a movie in my facebook profile? That was kind of a special segment. Well, I am introducing more of these in hopes of making writing easier for me, and simpler to read for you.


This entry though is a review of Special Segments in general. What they can mean. The picture is something that came up on google. Segments became popularized on variety shows, where they would cut to something special in hopes of finding an audience thinking it was clever or reasonable to watch. Some segments became so popular they have reached time status. Weekly segments, DAILY segments, even everytime-I-pee segments infiltrated late night variety shows. To this day, they remain popular as a source of connectivity amongst a fanbase to say, "Remember when it used to be funny, and now they just use that segment to rail on Jay Leno". Alas, the internet has all but watered down the the sour slurry that was popular segments. Daily lists abounded, and Weekly Round-ups sunk the battleship of where to find information. But the segment still thrives. Somewhere. Possibly here. Segments, if anything, help brand a website and are therefore a good thing. I myself am a big fan of AV Club's New Cult Canon and Ball Don't Lie's 10 Man Rotation. It's called creating an empire, nanospiel by nanospiel.

Review:WIPEOUT! on ABC

I watch Wipe Out. Mostly out of background fodder while eating, ya know something not to pay attention to. But recently- I watched Wipe Out- as a Fan.

There was never a full commitment to Wipe Out. Sure I like watching people fall down in a way that is designed for them to be humiliated, but that always seemed hollow and empty (not to mention juvenile and boring). I would watch the first round, have my fill of people getting hurt, then watch something more substantial. Well, I was enjoying myself watching the people fall so much I decided to throw better judgement aside and watch the entire episode of Wipe Out. And wow- getting into a TV show so arcane and redundant is realizing that the arcane and redundancy of it are what make it... beautiful.

Wipe Out has and will always be the American version of MXC. MXC was a Japanese game show with American comic over-dubbing. Funny enough, but I get it. We get the same thing every week, and, really- we're just making fun of foreigners. With Wipe Out we are making fun of Americans. Wipe Out is a different beast than MXC because where MXC (which was on Spike TV, one of the more sweaty balls networks going) reveled in the comedy of it, Wipe Out lets a story pan out. MXC couldn't do that because of the restriction of being a foreign show being mocked. Wipe Out lets us get to know the most comical of human beings and then see them compete. It's the appeal of sports on the most basic (basic=stupidest) level. Sure, people are smacking into walls and falling into mud, but they are doing so out of the human spirit to compete. MXC lost that in translation. MXC was closer to the Laff-a-lympics.

Now, Wipe Out has ringers too. They have the people who are clearly good and you can place your bets on. When the fail, you feel let down. They have the emotional stories. People doing it for their kids, or who really need the money. They have likable characters. The guy who refers to himself in third person nickname, or the opera singer who hams it up with opera singing. And they have loser ringers! The really fat people who it is mean to even make them think they can accomplish anything on the show. Wipe Out is held down by the yuk yuk yuk commentary of the guy who put Talk Soup on the map John Henson, and Sportscenter merryman John Anderson, but whatever. Anderson plays the straight man and only loses minimal credibility, while Henson serves only to remind me that he was funny when I was in 6th grade. So I understand they are not making this show for me, it is for families with a son in 6th grade who loves sports and has nowhere to go on Tuesday nights in the summer.

So I say to you, jilted reader who decided to read about Wipe Out from someone who calls their website Dumb Reviews, if you are going to watch this show, watch it with the same fervent applause you watch the Olympics or World Cup. Bring yourself down to the show's level. People are falling down in hilarious manners. It's great. Smoke weed while doing so, it helps.

Review: Monkeyshines

Monkeyshines is the bastard son of Miss Poppycock and Sir Balderdash. Bastardized by being american that is. Monkey shines roots likely stem from something racist, although it is likely just a derogatory towards monkeys in general. Being a predominantly Christian nation (as if!), we believed in the spirit of creation, and told kids evolution was when idiots lacked faith and enjoyed roust abouting too much. We hated monkey's so much, that a term "Monkeyshines" was created. Shines being in reference to attention grabbing. So when a schoolboy would galavant his confused emotions into, say, placing a tack on school madam's chair- he was compared to a less-than creature with similar human characteristics who would use slight tactics to draw attention to himself. As in "look at that monkey, that monkey is shining". My question is: why was this a bad thing? One hand says, this monkey isn't a descendant from human but it sure is having a fun time using wits about much like a human would. And the other, evolution believing, hand says that there is a common link being presented between a monkey and a boy of mischief. Sure we're degrading the boy, but aren't we in some way proclaiming the monkey's importance. The great joke on monkey shines is that the shine shines brightest on the monkey.

Review: Frankenhole, episode 2: (John) Thomas Jefferson

HERE! HERE!

That's a link to watch Mary Shelley's Frankenhole, the new surrealist animation show from Dino Stamatopuolis and Fragical Productions. Now Dino is responsible for some of the best things ever on TV- Mr. Show, early Conan, Star Burns on Community, TV Funhouse, and Fragical's other lovinglt detailed and demented TV show Moral Orel.

Now there are so far 2 episodes of the series, and please: go watch them now. The first scene in the first episode, our first glimpses of Frankenhole, gave us Michael Jackson being raised from the dead by his Ed Hardy inspired son Blanket in a fit to be accepted for being an interesting person by his dad. This quickly establishes that nothing is going to be sacred, and nothing should be sacred, and sacred is a stupid word. Now let's check this episode two AKA the best thing on TV I saw so far this year.

The second episode is titled "(John) Thomas Jefferson" and involves Thomas Jefferson seeking out the new Dr. Frankenstein, who is a mad scientist genius, so that ol TJ can get a big black penis so his slave women wouldn't mind it so much when he rapes them. Please re-read that premise. We're deconstructing Patriots, Race, Slavery here and this is only the diving board. We still got a pool to swim in here.

I don't want to over-analyze the show too much, I'd rather let you watch it for yourselves. But I must take note of the perfect use of Barack Obama. Thomas Jefferson is looking through a history book, wanting to find the perfect black penis, and in a misguided attempt, he picks the most African sounding name- Barack Obama. Obama is portrayed as a modern man who is smart and dedicated to his country. He is not offended by Jefferson's racism, he offers his penis to Jefferson for the good of the country, he follows the ensuing plot playing the role of the voice of reason, and when a chorus of black celebrities rousingly sing "Don't let your women know you care" Obama (being the established non-cartoony straight man) and Wilt Chamberlain (being the not-all black people think this way) chime in to disagree. But who cares? Obama is only half-black anyway.

Frankenhole is getting away with some shit, guys. You need to watch this show and think about being offended and think how stupid it is being offended basically is. Mary Shelley's Frankenhole, let's watch your legacy unfold.

Review: Grant Hill

Why am I posting about Grant Hill? First of all, he has one of the more under-appreciated names in sports. It rolls off the tongue: Grant Hill. Second, he was a bad-ass basketball player (still is) who had a bunch of endorsements, but never had a supporting cast around him, so then he went and signed to a team in Florida with another superstar. At this point I should come out and say this is a myopic, cautionary tale for LeBron James.


Grant Hill is an unlucky son of a bitch. Mostly in that, he played during the Jordan dominated years, and then when he didn't- he was injured. When Grant first came into the league, he (co-) won Rookie of the Year and then became the premiere point forward in this league. So then came the burden of hype. Hell, in his rookie season he was the most popular player in the NBA leading the all-star fan vote. He 3 times (3!) led his team in the major categories of points, rebounds, and assists (only Wilt did that as much- WILT!). That's carrying a team. They modernized the Pistons logo for Grant (much like Cleveland did for LeBron). Sprite did a campaign where the slogan was "Grant Hill drinks Sprite" (much like the Sprite Campaign for a LeBron). Hill even presented a VMA (LeBron too), and dated Queen Latifah's character on Living Single (LeBron wishes, as we all do). Grant Hill basically was the whole Fila brandand when he went down, Fila never recovered. And they're smooth!


Then he signed with Orlando, but it by far wasn't a big a traitorgate as LeBron's. In fact, Pistons fans rode Grant out of town calling him soft and Grant played on an injured ankle in a playoff series his final year in Detroit. Oh that ankle. And the ankle did him in. He played in 47 games combined his first 3 years, sat out the 4th, was awesome in his 5th, and groin injured in his last final 2 with Orlando. And this was the guy who was ganna save the franchise. Remember LeBron's elbow/shoulder problem from the playoffs? LeBron is Grant Hill with more hype, and a bit more playoff success. I mean Grant was on the path to greatness, was greatness, and then poof! Ankle. LeBron's been great, and I don't wish him any injury whatsoever, but- things fleet. Fleet all the time. 24/7 Fleet. So it's probably smart he signed with the 2 best possible players he could. Grant signed with Tracy McGrady, who then carried the franchise and then eventually injured himself while not winning his own playoff series all the while. I'm just saying- Grant Hill was a special player, and despite all the shitty luck he had, has still had a remarkable career. It's just that the future, and what we don't see in it, can define us as much (if not more so) than the past.

Review: "You're Retarded"

I found this picture when I typed in "Y'all Retarded" for google images. When I typed You're Retarded a picture for George W. Bush came up. Let it go America!

Let's just say this- saying retarded doesn't refer to the mentally handicapped. Mental Retardation does, but the actual word retarded is super slang. Just as a Black Eyed Pea and their hit song about getting retarded. They didn't care that their actual fans were retarded people who would enjoy that shit. Too easy.

Retarded means stupid. Stupid doesn't mean retarded. When I (I actually don't say retard or retarded, I'm too clever and attractive for that) say retarded I am implying that there is a level of ignorance so bad that it halts learning and is therefore literally a harsh stance taken on how stupid it is.

Stupid- everyone is stupid. Just today I couldn't find BBQ sauce at Whole Foods. I mean it was in an area not included with the regular BBQ sauce, and they didn't label the aisle for a refrigerated BBQ sauce nor did I know the coupon-ed BBQ sauce was refrigerated. That's a bad example. But I'm not THAT stupid. And heaven's sake I am not at all retarded. You know when you are stupid, you don't know when you're retarded. So maybe I am being retarded in saying as much? Or maybe you're retarded for agreeing as much or disagreeing or for even reading this?

Example: Americans who make fun of British accents and general stereotype British people because they think they have a leg up on them for simply being American--- that's pretty retarded. It's not elitism. I like elitism about certain cultural/technological/speurendoosical aspects. It helps the country grow. It's elitism based on not ignorance.

So what I am getting at: Saying Retarded (again: it's slang by now, no one uses other than slang) is a specific literal insult. It's a degree higher than stupid and shouldn't be used as haphazardly as high schoolers do, or as people who only know each other through instant messenger do, or how you're using it now. Think before you use words. Also when you use numbers. Or anything really.

Review: EMMY NOMINATIONS 2010

First off, H. Jon Benjamin and Amy Poehler are Emmy nominees this year. Great terrific I love you you did it. Emmy's aren't a hideous a vacuum as I am making them about to be in the next paragraph. And they really showed it this year with nominations for Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show. But they still are a hot coal shoved inside our small crevices when it comes to pleasing the forward thinkers of the world.

I'm just a hard person to please, admittedly- so hold on some seconds: It's not about actual talent. Tim and Eric, though polarizing and fanboy friendly, really deserve nominations in special effects, make-up, and special class programing. Those are small categories and deserved categories, because I can't think of comedy series who has special effects to the extent of Tim and Eric. I mean they do deserve far greater awards than this, far far far greater, but I was being realistic.

And what they did to The Office! Best Actor and Best Series are a given, which is great and all, but No Rainn Wilson? It's been known I am guilty of overt-Dwight love, but no one from the show got supporting actor nominations, in a time where it is pretty important for them to establish someone. Am I worried? No. But yes I am. The Emmy nominators basically just said- you're kablooey without Michael Scott. And this was the year where Ed Helms was his most prolific and Jim had his best stories going on, and what did Dwight do not to get nominated?! Because rewarding a semi-original show because it calls back to more 'golden age' of television where families loved each other and had relatable characters in their show to an almost annoying level? That's a dig at Modern Family, and I can't believe Ed O'Neill isn't nominated. That one stems for forever ago when Top 5 character of all-time Al Bundy had no Emmy to speak of. That's what Emmy's do... make me mad and don't please me. No Tracy Jordan, No Ron Swanson, No Pierce Hawthorne, No whatever the characters on Bored to Death are called, No Ron from Party Down, No Fun.

Eh Whatever.

Review: the later seasons of Family Matters

What started off as a cautionary tale of getting too close to your neighbor, and the inexplicable reasons for constantly letting that neighbor in your home, turned into why that neighbor is now part of that family that matters. That could've been handled with some gravitas and charm with some heartfelt being felt by hearts. But, uh, no. The late seasons of Family Matters basically turned into Steve Urkel becomes even more Steve Urkel. Gone are his endearing qualities replaced by more high pitch maneuvering and goofy mix-ups. Also, the grandma didn't die. That would've been something. Carl himself become more straight man pandering, not letting Reginald VelJohnson do any acting.

Did family really matter in Family Matters? Eddie and Laura were too dependent on their family, learning lessons from them each week. These 2 chuckleheads can clearly not make it in the real world, because they are too busy mattering about family. That's not even a huge beef with late seasons of the show. Where is Rachel? And if Rachel is gone, how come her son Richie is there with a new cuter Hip-Hopier kid named, uh, 3J. What did 3J offer? More shenanigans for the kids! Which is no trust in your established characters. Why can't they carry the show anymore? Because the writers are lazy and their laziness got in the way so many years ago that this train was wrecking years ago. We got more Stefa Urkel and situations where his science made crazy things happen, or more special episodes about guns, but we got less heart. And for a show subsequently lacking heart it meant doom. Family Matters was shoved over to CBS for its last season on Friday nights, a great place for a show to fade away. It also had Steve living with the Winslows, which- I don't get at all. Family Matters was hijacked by the nascent Steve Urkel upon its arrival. When thought and reason entered their child viewers minds, that spelled doom for a show not willing to make itself better or break from a mold of its break-out character. Waldo was kind of funny though. Kind of.

Review: Shoulder Pads

Shoulder Pads, you have made football players look bigger while keeping them safe. I haven't heard of a shoulder injury in Football since before biting and wearing fangs was legal. Now its all tendon injuries. (Please note that I don't follow Football injuries at all). But dear Shoulder Pads, it is time to expand your horizon. What else can you be used for? There were shoulder pads on women's dresses, but that was likely so their child would have a nearby pillow while they slept in church. It also gave the illusion that women do have shoulders, and likely accentuated the neckline creating a dynamic profile. With or without hats. What's that? You are used for LaCrosse too? Oh, well, let me start caring about that before we worry there. There is a huge demographic of toddlers who can learn balance while being able to fall down stairs at your disposal, shoulder pads. Elderly people can finally have knives thrown at them in somewhat more ease. Or stick with the fashion thing, because you're only young at least one more time. Mini shoulder pads to wear as ankle bracelets, or giant shoulder pads as art installation/recognizable meeting place for friends/homeless man urinal. I don't see your potential at all, shoulder pads, but I agree that there might could sure why not be some.

Review: Food Fights

"Food Fighting"

interior. innocuous backstage 'area', low lighting with a place to rest one foot while standing. Enter 'B+ Network Celebrity' addressing the camera. They enter and place foot in rest spot while standing.

Celebrity

"You have lunch, and a plan in your head already. You thought about it for days now, and waited for sloppy joe day. You even told a select few of your friends to of your plan. Your plan to start a food fight in the cafeteria. Well, that's an intention of malice, and that is not what food fighting is for. Food Fights have to happen naturally, organically- with no precursory thought. Out of anger or jealousy and being surrounded by food come food fights. These emotions, coupled with poor aim of throwing food at a target while hitting an innocent person, and then someone else standing up and yelling "FOOD FIGHT" is what makes a food fight a food fight. You can't pre-destine destiny. So please, don't plan ahead for food fights"

cut to. black screen, star goes across screen and lights up at a certain point. The light shine envelopes the screen for a second and then reveals 'The More You Know" (with corporate sponsorship in the legally smallest font in the bottom right hand corner).

Review: Progress

Thank goodness for medical advances, right? I mean with cancer and diabetes and AIDS and autism and bird/swine flu's and a host of medical diseases of reasons people are dying or dying slower from, medicine is keeping the fuck up.

Imagine if we actually took care of ourselves: Didn't eat so many chemicals, didn't microwave so many chemicals, and weren't subjected to such sexxy advertising to chocolate laced with sugar and glucose... If we (re: Wisconsin et al) just decided to be healthy instead of football fans (too low) then we could make even better general progress and depend less on medicine.

Oh medicine is the best, don't get me wrong. Please take medicine if you need it. But I'm saying- progress should be measured in life expectancy. Part of enjoying life is living life, and living life longer means enjoying life more. Now life expectancy has risen every year. BUT it has risen steadily. No big leaps to find anywhere. If it were real progress, we'd be making huge leaps all the time. Instead- medicine and technological advances are doing the heavy lifting for us. If we were on the same page as them, then what's the end cap- living to 150? 200? Who the fuck knows! Its science. We should help it out by being more healthy and less lazy and less dependant on technology, and let them concentrate on more important things. Right? More life, better living- sounds good- sounds too good.

Review: Steve Carrell Leaving the Office

Boo to the fucking hoo. I'm saying that not out of spite, I happen to love Michael Scott as a character. But I say that out of trust and excitement, that a show with as talented of writers as The Office now has a challenge laid in front of them, and wow that is exciting. So all this leads up to the hanging Danza in the air- Who's the boss? That's too trite- every new beginning is another new beginning's end. Yeah, that.

This can either go 2 ways. Hire from within or replacement boss. Hire from within is the safer choice. And knowing The Office, it'll do just that. No big theatrics at Pam and Jim's wedding. Michael became boss again after the Michael Scott Paper Company. Things happen organically and real in The Office, so it's a safe bet to assume they'll promote from within. But this: What if they don't!

It's risky. So deliciously risky. Spin City did this, but c'mon- Spin City sucked. Bringing in a new face to replace Michael Scott? That is the equivalent of the guy who said he was messiah right after Jesus woke up and went home. To a more relatable degree- Megan Mullally is great on Party Down, but there was still Jane Lynch shoes to fill. You don't watch that show? Well- ER after Clooney, or NYPD Blue after pants. I know I lost you but- imagine if they brought in a name to replace a name- imagine anyone really: Whoopi Goldberg, Terry Bradshaw, Edgar Winter---- those actually sound kind of fun. Which can bring the point of 'they would bring in someone fun': ROB CORDDRY? ROB RIGGLE? TOMMY WISEAU? ANYONE FROM THE STATE? Matt Walsh did audition for the role, ya know. But man, I wouldn't want to wish the comparisons on those guys, no matter how great they are. Too risky. Just because someone is jumping ship, doesn't mean the boat is rocking.

No, hire from within. There is plenty of fun speculation there. The obvious answer is Jim. And we all should assume he'll get that. BUT WHAT IF HE DOESN'T. Oh, Dwight, I wish and hope and hope to wish. It could happen. If they ignore his 2 strikes (for starting a fire and for harvesting the CPR dummies organs) and forget his general creepiness. Pam? Michael might get to pick his successor, and he owes Pam one for going with him to the Michael Scott Paper Co. (two if you count sleeping with her mom). Daryl? Sure I like that one. Hope it happens. It won't because he is black, but Daryl is great. Creed has most seniority. Gabe Louis? He's already ahead of that job. And lest we forget, Kelly Kapoor is in management training? Print in All Colors indeed. She already is a break out character, and I for one would love to see her in less empty headed-ness. Plus she has Ryan. But Mindy Kaling has that other TV Show deal? Man, I don't know. You can literally play this game, and imagine someone in charge. It's pretty fun, and we will likely get to do it all 7th season.

In The Office on the BBC, Brent was canned, and Gareth was left in charge. We never got to see much of Gareth in charge, because the British Office is way too good of a show to sell itself out in the least bit. There is precedent set, but fuck that. The Office can literally do anything at this point, because they have the writer's to justify what takes place. Trusting a TV Show guys, believe in your TV show. Hope springs eternal.

But to end this speculation and to take a stand on something to make this a concrete blog entry- my choice as the post-Michael Scott boss on The Office: Bring in the new boss. It'll be catastrophic and that's exactly what this show needs. Concentrate on everyone else, and make the new boss a B story. Give the job to Chris Elliott who created the man-child schtick without feeding into his emotions, and rather concentrate on the goofiness. I just love Chris Elliott. He would just ruin that show for everyone other than me. Which would be great. For me.

In final conclusion, here is a list of people I haven't said yet that should also be seriously considered: Scott Thompson, Maria Bamford, Bruce Campbell, Leo Allen, David Cross, Brian Stack (was actually a Buffalo branch employee), Vincent D'Onofrio, John Cameron Mitchell, Tim Meadows (also was in The Office already), Rowdy Roddy Piper, Hank Azaria, Andy Blitz, Paul Dinello, or make Vikram boss. This is the worst game ever therefore also the best game ever through reasoning.

Review: Soft Knuckles

You in your four story mansion with a 5:1 window to room-ratio: I know what you're hiding. It is the reason why you believe in pacifism and don't have a favorite coffee mug. The reason why your son isn't good at sports but is still better than you. IT'S YOUR SOFT KNUCKLES, ya goose.

I expect there to be shame. I expect a parade of shame with small men in stockade costumes and old women riding floats doing the thing with their index fingers (ya know- pointing one out and sliding the other one down it). I expect you to look into knuckle hardening, but once you find out its 1 out of 6 success rate, you'll back down. All you soft knuckled people always back down.

It's not that you don't punch or that you take breaks from typing too much or not gripping as hard when you masturbate or not gripping as hard when you garden causing the spade to fly out your hands and blind your blonde neighbor who you thought could be friends but now just throw that out the window or how you never give high fives because the reverberation within the hand ecosystem is too much for you or how your mitten are always loose around the wrist or how your boxing gloves have extra padding and look like the physics of Rudolph's nose were applied to an baboon's butt and that baboon was also the size of Rik Smits or when you sleep at night you wear protective knuckle wear which is basically you stick your hand in jars of vaseline and sleep with them on. O boy, your life.

Don't be too ashamed though. I mean its your knuckles, nothing that important.