Their eyes are penetrating your penis' soul's penis
That was a mean tag line under the picture. I should've been more playful and said "this is the best picture I could find." After all, I am in the presence of those who have been in the presence kind-of of Jesus. These are the Kingdom Chums who are quote "descendants of the animals who viewed the miracles of Jesus". Now anything that has these bright of colors and this cute usage of animals is going to win over most children. This broad net of blatant children's crap is being marketed by Christianity. I would make fun of anything that has this much usage of rainbows for no reason. There is a special feeling that comes out when watching a religious cartoon or anything religious for kids that just brings out the cynic in me. The Kingdom Chums is the height of that special adaptation of christian morals because here they don't even bother with any bearded men or long exchanges of dialogue, here they simply made a children's program based on several key elements in children's marketing: fuzziness, warmth, rainbows, being happy, singing, a clear lesson to learn, and the idea that love is an actual thing and it can make everything ok.
The Kingdom Chums were so popular a hit of christianity thru homevideo that it was even shown on ABC on Saturday afternoons. This was so blatantly about making money that even Children's Programming Executives wanted to make some of that money, God be damned. Let's say some facts: The ten commandments are shown by soft creatures (animals resembling lions, foxes, raccoons, teddy bears- but walk on their legs and have huge eyes) through catchy songs that replace key plot points. The lion looks like Michael McDonald crossed with Simba and sings on a cliff that waves crash into while wind blows in his hair (this is how they show that this particular song should be taken seriously). The wackier commandment song are sun by the happy black guy voice tiger who tells us to STOP STOP STOP before we steal, Don't be jealous (can't you see) there's no place for jealousy, and IDOLS (beat) IDOLS, blah blah blah BLAH IDOLS. There are 3 more annoying talking, dressed animals. 2 are girls for the girls and one is a baby raccoon who is cute for the sexually confused. They all bring us catchy choruses that say certain words loud as to remember the 10 commandments (personal fave: MURDER, because the setting is an ice mountain for some reason).
Now we are taken on this journey by these kids. These 10 commandants to be learned kids, which there are 3 of. A nerdier red headed boy named Petey who loves collecting rock n roll records because that's what kids do. His catch phrase is 'Un-be-leivable". He has a little sister who provides the gateway into Kindom Chum land because she is pure of heart because she is a little girl who believes. She is like 5 years old, and doesn't realize she has to grow up. She carries around an ugly green (really ugly) heart-shaped bag the whole time that serves to keep score of the 10 commandment competition between Petey and the Antagonist, Osbourne. Oh, the antagonist. At first he plays the realist, questioning the legitimacy of being carried by a rainbow, abut after about 5 commandments he finally gets that being mean is making him lose the competition. Osbourn's relationship to the other kids is never explained in the beginning, actually. He is just shown as someone who was mean. Then, after realizing that he shouldn't murder he does the ol' 180.
You can view this by typing Kingdom Chums Top Ten into youtube or google video. And please do, because this was shown to kids at small ages where they can believe any god damn thing. And sure, the bible has moral value, but HOLY SHIT when a child realizes what he was exposed to as a kid- this kind of stuff breeds resentment. This video, from its theme song called 'Following the Love Light" to the recognizable names cashing a pay check (Billy Preston- Tony Orlando- Marilyn Mcoo- Debbie Boone- Frankie Valli- Mayim Balik (Blossum- duh) whose playing a young boy!!, and the child actress providing the voice over for the little girl voice is Marnette Patterson, who followed those christian beliefs and went on to do this in a movie). I said all their names, because they all have blood on their hands. So- This is a fluffy, non threatening tape to show to kids, no question. But how safe can the filmmakers actually make something before they completely compromise their message? How can anyone water down everything so much and then still have the gall to say you have an intent to preach to me? How can they prey on innocent kids this easily? How can you promote Christian beliefs AND the belief rainbows are a solid actual thing you can touch?
My review: I know they can't help it but- children are idiots. They do, however, learn easily. There are little controllable people that can be taught whatever you want to teach them. This is a real thing that happened. This is what we thought of kids in a point of history. I am going to post the links so you can watch: SO WATCH IT.
2 comments:
Unfortunately for you, your lack of intellect has been shown in this review. Not only do you mock a movie that is motivational for children, you spit on the beliefs of billions in the world. Clearly you have not been exposed to the glory and peace that the Bible can provide for you. The Bible requires faith which you seem to mistake as ignorance. You are wrong. I pray that while you still have a chance here on earth you will look beyond your ignorance and accept Jesus Christ as your savior.
I completely agree with Stephanie. Not only do you mock and degrade Christianity but you try to discourage parents from presenting to their children and clean wholesome film that teaches children not only the Ten Commandments of the Bible but how to conduct themselves as respectable, upstanding people. I hope one day you learn to be a productive member of society instead of trying to destroy the goodness we have to present to our children. Sit down and watch the movie and you may learn something.
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