Review: Jokes on Popsicle Sticks

Welcome to Dumb Review's theme week: 'Marketing Ice Cream Novelities'. Ice Cream is generally considered a treat, but getting us to buy a certain ice cream, well, that's a trick. Trick and Treat, so Marketing Ice Cream is basically Halloween's bastard older brother who makes fun of Halloween in the cafeteria in front of Halloween's girlfriend. SO- today's topic: Jokes on Popsicle Sticks.

Age 5

"Hey there is something written on my possicle... it's a what- a joke? I was just here to eat, but sure, I love to laugh as much as the next kindergartner. 'wh-wh-what. ha-s. wheeeels? and a. truu-nk. but, no, en- en- engyn? Oh- engine. wheels and a trunk but no engine? I don't know. Oh my a crowd of my peers has crowded around me and now eagerly awaits the answer. What could it be? (bite, chew, chew, chew) A car has an engine. (bite, chew, chew, chew) What's a trunk again? (bite, chew, chew, chew) I just wanted a snack but now, this anxiety of what has wheel, a trunk. but no engine? (bite, chew, chew, chew) I see some word- lades? (bite, chew, chew, chew) There's more! (bite, chew, chew, chew) I can read it now everyone (bite, chew, chew, chew)- An elephant on roller blades! HAHHAAHA. Trunks and wheels! No engine! Elephant! Wow, I am glad we all could share in such a moment. Jokes on popsicles are the best!"

Age 10

"Hey guys- I got a popsicle and it has a joke on it! But please calm down, as I have learned over the course of my life to savor the popsicle and then enjoy the joke afterwards. I just don't like turning my popsicle to the side too much to read the joke. It compromises the popsicle juices. Hey- have I ever (bite, chew, chew, chew) told you about the time they put the stick in the wrong end? And (bite, chew, chew, chew) the answer was show and I had to (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) guess the question.... YES IT DID HAPPEN BRADLEY. (bite, chew, chew, chew)(bite, chew, chew, chew)(bite, chew, chew, chew). OK, (big gulp swallow) What did the dentist give the marching band?... A tuba toothpaste! That's a good one.... Nuh uh shut up Bradley.... No they aren't, jokes on popsicle sticks are cool!"

Age 16

"Oh man, another stupid joke on the popsicle... 'How do pigs talk?' Pig Latin duh. Man these are so lame. Hey guys- How do pigs talk? (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) That's what I said. They are so easy. We know everything. (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew). What? 'Swine Language'? That's lamer than pig latin. Jokes on popsicle sticks are so gay."

Age 24

"Oooh these popsicles have jokes on them! They are always involve elephants or talking food, and they're always so stupid I love em. I haven't had a popsicle of these in like 5 years. Eh, this one is red- you want this one?... C'mon I already opened it and I wanted a blue one... Fine. Ok. 'What did the macaroni say to the tomato?' Eh. (bite, chew, chew, chew) Probably something like about pasta.(bite, chew, chew, chew) Yeah, you think so? (bite, chew, chew, chew) Where would the mouth be on the macaroni- the open end or on the base? (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) Popsicles aren't as good as I remember. (bite, chew, chew, chew) OK- 'Don't Get Saucy with me.' You were close. Man, liking jokes on popsicles is so ironic."

Age 78

"'Why did the atoms run away?' (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums). It was time to split.... I miss all my friends, Jokes on popsicle sticks are a classic institution that bring about feelings of nostalgia as well as develop the minds of our counter culture youth."

We always have to read the jokes because who doesn't like jokes, even bad ones you look at out of morbid curiosity. It's wasteful not to. Very clever popsicle industry, you stranglehold lives on through generations.