Review: Scorpions

Oh I get it. Menacing looking tail, insect like creepiness, slimy demeanor, two bigger front claws--- really intimidating. Guess what? Not buying it. I'm a human. A human who is taller than 14 inches. And you know what? I have a brain too. What do you have? A glow in fluorescent lighting and paralyzing venom? Pff. We use that venom to get stoned and we have a CHOICE to glow in fluorescent lighting. Come back when you're a Spiderman villain but then I still won't be scared because of Spiderman. No Scorpions, your real scare tactic comes from how cool your name is. If I could go back in time, I'd switch the your name with that of a lady bug. And then everyone wouldn't flip their shit about how deadly or lethal you are, and start talking about your pussier qualities. Like- you're an insect. PUS-SY. Or that you do glow in fluorescent lighting, I know I said that, but what is the purpose of that? To make cool rave pets? Well ravers, like I already said already, would just use you to get high and then take pictures of you on their penis and put it on cobrasnake. Also, bands and wrestlers named after you suck.

So what are you going to do about that? Turn jade and ruin a respected director's reputation or get The Rock to be in a movie about your king? Those are just references to semi-popular movies that you didn't see because you're a scorpion. You also don't have internet access to read this. You are the dumbest exoskeletal arachnid ever! You know what we humans can do? We can make video games and name the yellow asshole character who is nothing but several chumps lumped together (a chump lump) and name him after something that can't even stand cold climates- A SCORPION! God! You probably troll around the desert and fuck bird skeletons and rub your vaginas in sand for pleasure. Because you are just walking vaginas. We use you as props on Real World/Road Rules challenges. We make our dumbest people get tattoos of you. We named our worst brand of pop up campers after you, and pop up campers are the worst of anything we ever created- thats what we think of you.

In closing and in chant- hu-mans. Hu-mans. Hu-mans! Hu-mans! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! Get a real existence, scorpions. Fuck you.