Review: Jokes on Popsicle Sticks

Welcome to Dumb Review's theme week: 'Marketing Ice Cream Novelities'. Ice Cream is generally considered a treat, but getting us to buy a certain ice cream, well, that's a trick. Trick and Treat, so Marketing Ice Cream is basically Halloween's bastard older brother who makes fun of Halloween in the cafeteria in front of Halloween's girlfriend. SO- today's topic: Jokes on Popsicle Sticks.

Age 5

"Hey there is something written on my possicle... it's a what- a joke? I was just here to eat, but sure, I love to laugh as much as the next kindergartner. 'wh-wh-what. ha-s. wheeeels? and a. truu-nk. but, no, en- en- engyn? Oh- engine. wheels and a trunk but no engine? I don't know. Oh my a crowd of my peers has crowded around me and now eagerly awaits the answer. What could it be? (bite, chew, chew, chew) A car has an engine. (bite, chew, chew, chew) What's a trunk again? (bite, chew, chew, chew) I just wanted a snack but now, this anxiety of what has wheel, a trunk. but no engine? (bite, chew, chew, chew) I see some word- lades? (bite, chew, chew, chew) There's more! (bite, chew, chew, chew) I can read it now everyone (bite, chew, chew, chew)- An elephant on roller blades! HAHHAAHA. Trunks and wheels! No engine! Elephant! Wow, I am glad we all could share in such a moment. Jokes on popsicles are the best!"

Age 10

"Hey guys- I got a popsicle and it has a joke on it! But please calm down, as I have learned over the course of my life to savor the popsicle and then enjoy the joke afterwards. I just don't like turning my popsicle to the side too much to read the joke. It compromises the popsicle juices. Hey- have I ever (bite, chew, chew, chew) told you about the time they put the stick in the wrong end? And (bite, chew, chew, chew) the answer was show and I had to (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) guess the question.... YES IT DID HAPPEN BRADLEY. (bite, chew, chew, chew)(bite, chew, chew, chew)(bite, chew, chew, chew). OK, (big gulp swallow) What did the dentist give the marching band?... A tuba toothpaste! That's a good one.... Nuh uh shut up Bradley.... No they aren't, jokes on popsicle sticks are cool!"

Age 16

"Oh man, another stupid joke on the popsicle... 'How do pigs talk?' Pig Latin duh. Man these are so lame. Hey guys- How do pigs talk? (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) That's what I said. They are so easy. We know everything. (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew). What? 'Swine Language'? That's lamer than pig latin. Jokes on popsicle sticks are so gay."

Age 24

"Oooh these popsicles have jokes on them! They are always involve elephants or talking food, and they're always so stupid I love em. I haven't had a popsicle of these in like 5 years. Eh, this one is red- you want this one?... C'mon I already opened it and I wanted a blue one... Fine. Ok. 'What did the macaroni say to the tomato?' Eh. (bite, chew, chew, chew) Probably something like about pasta.(bite, chew, chew, chew) Yeah, you think so? (bite, chew, chew, chew) Where would the mouth be on the macaroni- the open end or on the base? (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) Popsicles aren't as good as I remember. (bite, chew, chew, chew) OK- 'Don't Get Saucy with me.' You were close. Man, liking jokes on popsicles is so ironic."

Age 78

"'Why did the atoms run away?' (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums). It was time to split.... I miss all my friends, Jokes on popsicle sticks are a classic institution that bring about feelings of nostalgia as well as develop the minds of our counter culture youth."

We always have to read the jokes because who doesn't like jokes, even bad ones you look at out of morbid curiosity. It's wasteful not to. Very clever popsicle industry, you stranglehold lives on through generations.

Review: Theme Week

picture included to boost site traffic

The Theme Week has a debt owed to selling-out the same way selling-out has a debt to taking the easy way out. That debt is approximately $4.25 and that 25 cents must be a quarter, none of that 2 dime-nickel shit. Theme weeks are tacky, but tacky is a tacky word for ostentatious exhilaration. I should have said 'tack is an ostentatious exhilaration word for ostentatious exhilaration.' Because apparently there is beauty in everything, and you don't even watch Wheel of Fortune every week. Wheel of Fortune, or Wheel of-ortune, as I have come to call weekly have a theme week because somehow they have money too. They take the crispness and surface level of a certain aspect- either the city they are in, the city in which the trip they are giving away a vacation to, or whatever the contestants sweatshirts will lead you to believe. It's a simple touch, and usually serves no purpose other than having to notice it.

And what is a purpose of anything that to notice it? Theme Weeks are the embodiment of art in that sense. They are more shallow, and have more to do with corporate sponsorship - but eventually everything will anyway (no it won't). The Theme Week does have a purpose in that it concentrates for a week. For example- this blog will have its first theme week next week. And looking in a realm of pop culture or existence with some consistency MIGHT do some good. For who? Owl breeders ? Skull Fetishists? Readers who are neither of those 2 things? No, but hopefully there will be more comparison between the posts, making things either to navigate in your mind. "Oh Gimly's beard was more crucial to the plot than Aragon's tight goat," if my theme was about hair in Lord of the Rings. It won't be, but it might be that. Anyway- 5 things related to one thing in a time period considered a week. It's something.

Review: Scorpions

Oh I get it. Menacing looking tail, insect like creepiness, slimy demeanor, two bigger front claws--- really intimidating. Guess what? Not buying it. I'm a human. A human who is taller than 14 inches. And you know what? I have a brain too. What do you have? A glow in fluorescent lighting and paralyzing venom? Pff. We use that venom to get stoned and we have a CHOICE to glow in fluorescent lighting. Come back when you're a Spiderman villain but then I still won't be scared because of Spiderman. No Scorpions, your real scare tactic comes from how cool your name is. If I could go back in time, I'd switch the your name with that of a lady bug. And then everyone wouldn't flip their shit about how deadly or lethal you are, and start talking about your pussier qualities. Like- you're an insect. PUS-SY. Or that you do glow in fluorescent lighting, I know I said that, but what is the purpose of that? To make cool rave pets? Well ravers, like I already said already, would just use you to get high and then take pictures of you on their penis and put it on cobrasnake. Also, bands and wrestlers named after you suck.

So what are you going to do about that? Turn jade and ruin a respected director's reputation or get The Rock to be in a movie about your king? Those are just references to semi-popular movies that you didn't see because you're a scorpion. You also don't have internet access to read this. You are the dumbest exoskeletal arachnid ever! You know what we humans can do? We can make video games and name the yellow asshole character who is nothing but several chumps lumped together (a chump lump) and name him after something that can't even stand cold climates- A SCORPION! God! You probably troll around the desert and fuck bird skeletons and rub your vaginas in sand for pleasure. Because you are just walking vaginas. We use you as props on Real World/Road Rules challenges. We make our dumbest people get tattoos of you. We named our worst brand of pop up campers after you, and pop up campers are the worst of anything we ever created- thats what we think of you.

In closing and in chant- hu-mans. Hu-mans. Hu-mans! Hu-mans! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! HU-MANS! Get a real existence, scorpions. Fuck you.

Review: Distractions

This entry started out as a review on Leprosy, because I just wanted to see gross pictures. I originally typed in leoprosy penis, but yes I did mean leprosy penis. So now I am pretty grossed out, and to make myself feel better I tried inflatable dog which led me to this picture of inflatable poop. Then I remembered I am writing about leprosy, so I typed in Leper Poop which led me to this picture of Quavers. Which is funny for not only being named something that should be for Amish Drug Enthusiasts (Quakers + Ravers), but it also says Leper Flavor. And now I find myself way off point. If the point was Leprosy is gross, then its a shallow point I have hammered home just by saying nothing because Leprosy being gross is already true. I mean, how do I make a point about leprosy? I think we both know the answer to that, so that's what I did- I visited a Leper Colony located in North West Georgia, where they have no rivers. In fact- it was the Leper Convention 2010, or 2010 Leper Con. Upon hearing the shorthand name of the event I pictured 2,010 leprachauns being sick on each other. Unbuckling their belts, pulling out clumps of red hair, and taking their green top hats off to puke into. The puke was a lime green, shamrock shake in color. The reason for them being sick was that a rainbow shined on them for too long causing ulcer cancer within their tiny frames. Faced with this horrible magic, their vomit started smoldering causing skin deterioration of the cheeks and the hot vomit started burning everything it touched. The fire department came and connected their hose to the Orca Whale tank, inadvertently causing mass orca whale abortion. The whole incident was caught on sketch pad by an art class specifically taught to use their left hand. This was their 2nd class and the results weren't good.

And that's how we distract ourselves - defame a group (leprechauns) and say random things. It works for Arizona currently, and was what kept America together after 9/11. We probably learned something here today, but goodness knows I didn't try.

Distractions are just great. Really underrated parts of our everyday lives. Where would Youtube be without them, or even breasts? And those two things are keeping America together post after 9/11. How else can I justify my short attention span? How would you like to get more work done? Thank you distractions.

Review: The Baron

The baron deserted his plane, or what was left of it. Just a pile of slide whistles and animal hooves with various plane parts labeled on them. "Why didn't I get a regular plane? Why did I just take a whole bunch of slide whistles and hot glue them to the animal hooves I kept in my garage?" the baron said to himself, his head still woozy from the crash. No, it couldn't of been his plane, his plane he worked so hard on for almost 2 afternoons. The baron loved his plane. He wanted to fly a plane ever since he was in an actual plane crash, where most of his mother was killed. He walked away from that plane crash, his clothes singed from the actual fire, and hitchhiked up the eastern sea board to what probably resembled his house and went to bed. He woke up the next morning and started building his plane. His plane couldn't have failed, he thought, he wrote all the right parts on the animal hooves. Wing, other wing, propeller, controls, plane bottom, cock pit, black box, back of plane. The slide whistles? They seemed like a gift from the heavens. They were in crate labeled 'slide whistles- USED' and the baron saw them and made the connection on how to use them with his plane: wind. "How can I not fail? I'll save my momma for sure this time!", The baron would declare to most objects he saw on the 40 minutes it took him to build up the courage to fly his sky chariot. He named the plane, Hustle and Flow after his other planes in-flight movie, and recited most of the plot to it before getting it confused with CB4 before getting that confused with Groundhog's Day because Chris Elliott is in both. Now was the time for take-off. He climbed aboard the Hustle and Flow, and pushed the lever/slide whistle. His mouth started making an engine sound. With his hand he started touching a hoof repeatedly- "Propellers on!" The baron then looked at the last possession his mother had the last time he saw her- a picture of himself. Written on the back was 'To Momma, there are plenty more of these pictures, so don't feel to obliged to hold onto them- Your Baron Son, The Baron." With tears in his eyes and his heart full The Baron took off in the Hustle and Flow, jumped in the air, and for half a millisecond- the plane was flying- he was really flying. 11, likely less, inches in the air HE WAS FLYING. Then something happened- gravity. The baron lost control and the Hustle and Flow hit the ground causing much panic and chaos within the barons circulatory, nervous, and digestive systems. The baron, now defeated, now walking away from his second plane crash in as many days said to himself, "There are more of those pictures of me, it doesn't matter that I lost that one."

Review: The nature of movie fandom

After basking in the subversive, musky glow of the 2nd movie from screenwriters Will Forte and John Solomon, a movie based on a runner sketch based on the mocking love of an 80s TV show that people such as Patty and Selma Bouvier loved. I didn't come out and say anything there, so more obvious: MACGRUBER!

No spoilers here, and I think the fanbase for this movie already saw it, but I have an inclination to lump MacGruber with The Brothers Solomon. I do this because I believe both movies succeed in the execution of dialogue. Not only in advancing the story or arch-type of the character, but also in being downright silly and absurd. These 2 movies are crammed with hilarious sentence after hilarious sentence, and not in a manner obviously considered to be a joke. No, they are context jokes. And you know what? I don't feel obliged to say them. 1) I watched MacGruber yesterday, was a decent amount high. 2) There is no way to do them justice. 3) There are at most 20 people reading this. 4) I'll make my point some other way. 5) I have seen The Brothers Solomon, oh, 10 times by now and just wasted most of my allotted writing time on searching for a decent clip on Youtube.

It's just that these movies are being viewed too much as a movie, which is the fault of the audience member. For people already expecting something when they see MacGruber or Bros. Solo they aren't giving proper brevity to the characters. Sure, both these movies scripts would read a lot more hilarious to the standard movie-going America, and yes I am saying it takes a smarter person to wade thru the parody and the hokeyness of it all and look at the reasons for the decisions being made onscreen. It has something to do with liking hard to like characters. It might have everything to do with that. 'MacGruber is from the 80s,' is a foundation built upon not a call back joke. 'The Brothers Solomon have lax social skills,' gets played for both the endearing and the hilarious. Both movies, again I say this, are championed by tight, fast paced dialogue that the viewer has to be with, know, believe, and love the character for. I am saying this because I love these movies, but I am saying this because that's how movies work, and that's how we are able to ultimately judge people from movies they like. Saying you like Brothers Solomon means there was a genuine discovery in this movie, while saying you loved Twilight has some inherit 'I fell for it' to it.

That's what I wrote about today. I wrote about how MacGruber and how it made me happy to be a fan and believe in something. When you trust people you like to make a movie, an SNL movie, great things can happen through faith and patience. Which is what is missing not only in movie go-ers, but in people in general. I have seen the light via MacGruber, and its pitiful box office take is its crucifixion. MacGruber bombed for your movie going sins. But he shall rise again, the word shall spread, and there might not be a strong DVD sales take, but as cult as The Brothers Solomon is right now, MacGruber will make that cult stronger.

That's likely inaccurate, and very sacrilegious and against the 2nd commandment of worshipping false idols. But we like what we like, which I pretty much established without really going in too deep. Total writing time of this: 16 minutes, 8 seconds. To recap: MacGruber is great, I think it' great, you shouldn't be an idiot and not think its great, I have a bias towards liking it, people will think its great one day, I recap. And that is the true nature of being a fan of a movie. And that was probably my point.

Review: 2010 NBC Thursday Night Season Finale

The Swanson on The Swanson

TV loves its season finales. Its' inherit epic quality and heightened emotional depth just plays out to the fan quality of the show while still setting up the something to happen for the future. What? I can't understand what I just said. OK- A lot of things happen to a lot of our favorite people. Easy enough. Anyway, this post is just going to take my favorite joke from each episode and dizcuzz it to some extent.

Community - Star Burn's Video Yearbook Comment

This joke comes in the PS of the episode. John Michael Higgin's professor was in this episode and Troy ate a giant cookie (remember Kramer's lollipop?), but Star Burns is always pure gold. Initially I thought the line read, 'I just want people to remember there was a guy with these things', making an amazing explanation for the existence of Starburn's starburns. But the real line is quote: "I just want people to remember theres a guy in between these things". Adding an emotional depth to a side character that we really don't care about? Awesome, as long as it's Starburns. The notion of Starburns is such a shallow man whose claim to fame and source for social acceptance are stars that are hair that are on his face. That is hilarious. And giving him a line revealing that he just might be more than that? Nice try, he's Starburns. Please note my inherit bias to Dino Stamatopoulos, one of the funniest people in known existence (Conan, Moral Orel, TV Funhouse, he wrote the Pre-Taped Call In Show on Mr. Show). I am all for him being everywhere anytime probably more than anyone ever, save for real life relationships.

Parks and Rec - Freddy Spaghetti Songs

You know what show nailed it this season? Parks and Rec. I think we'll be talking about the 2nd season of Parks and Rec way on down the line. It is well on its way to being an Arrested Development level of genius situational comedy. So many characters with so many layers of interaction between them. Best scene of the night: the Brandanowitz farewell. Kept it straight, and we really know what these two people feel about one another. My favorite joke from tonight's episode comes from the episode's namesake, Freddy Spaghetti. Not so much a joke, as an existence of character. Freddy Spaghetti writes children's songs to the tune of other popular songs (remember when John Redcorn did that?) but he also adds in a callback to his own name of Italian themed food. For example- "she made an itsy-bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot linguini". Kids entertainer's are always ripe for weird, creepy businessmen (see Krusty the Clown) and they established Freddy as in it for the money within his first line. The real payoff is that how lazy he is in turning a song about a bikini into one of his own. Kids don't know and shouldn't know that song, but Freddy is making money. "What was your favorite song?" Leslie asks. "Penne and the Jets". And wow- that song really is all about saying the word Benny, and Freddy Spaghetti is smart enough to rip that off for his own. His other song was also just a call and response with the audience where Freddy yelled: "Spaghetti! Fusilli! Egg Noodles!" O the last one always gets ya. Freddie was played by 'force of nature' actor Brian McCann who helped carry Conan O'Brien the past decade with such characters as Fed Ex Pope, Johnny G: a guy who thinks Max Weinberg is hilarious, Randy the Pyloric Sphincter and Preparation H Raymond. Now he's one of the great minute characters on Parks and Rec. Now go on and win some Emmys, you great massive show you.

The Office - Meredith's Van

As pre-established, I am a huge sucker for Dwight, and tonight we got to see him work. The episode was a lot of Jo and Sabre's interrogations of the employees, which I hope they have deleted scenes of the lot of them, but none of them would be able to outshine Dwight's. We also got to check in with 2 of our favorites via one joke each- Todd Packer making a prank call, and David Wallace using an opportunity on TV documentary he used to be on to talk about his new product, Suck It (of course the sweatshirt was yellow, its for kids). We were also treated to one of the finest scenes in The Office lore- the IT Guy scene. Just remarkable on all accounts- no one really caring, even insulting (accidently: Jim not remembering his just announced name. on purpose: "...they use it for games and porn"), sprinkles of character in Oscar's nodding agreement with Dwight's assessment that the old IT guy was a terrorist or Daryl's face when it was revealed he had Facebook. Andy also sang a Woody Guthrie song, and Michael made me incredibly sad at points. But for one joke that stood out: Meredith's Van. This is the place where Michael meets 'the leaks'. Meredith's Van is a safe haven, a secret place, even though it apparantly is never locked. It seats 4 people comfortably though. The joke plays out like this- cut to scene in Meredith's van: With hand full of yellow sheets of paper, Pam: "I've never seen so many parking tickets." Daryl, holding a parking boot he found in the backseat: "This is just messed up." Read into this: Meredith is a classic alcoholic and she drives drunk. She drives her mini van, which she owns because she has kids, drunk enough to accrue a pile of parking tickets, likely from many different violations, and, worse, she is legally allowed not to drive, but took the device of her car anyway. Was she smart enough to hide the evidence, no just lazy enough to put it in there. Meredith has a sordid life- her kid plays soccer and she frequently has group sex with any number of disheveled souls looking for anything. Meredith is a bottom rung kind of women, one who drinks at work and has shown parts of her body to everyone at work. She works at this place, this dark, deeply perturbed character is part of Michael and Jim and Pam and everyone's everyday life. I love that. And she wasn't even in the scene. Kudos.

30 Rock - "...the current tattoo situation in the NBA"

First I want to get the something off my chest. 30 Rock is insane and it really tried pushing the comedic envelopes and has been more closer to 12-16 seasons of The Simpsons but earns triple times the points for not being animated, and is truly in another category all its own in TV history--- so I don't care that you already used Will Forte already as Price Gerhardt's messenger. I don't care because he is an on screen darling, sucking the viewer in with every charming smarmy breath and movement and welcoming vulnerabilty that this man is (MacGruber IN THEATERS NOW). You already used Rachel Dratch multiply, so established semantics over. I would love to give my favorite joke tag to the Jenna Maroney walking in on him as Cher scene: "this isn't what it looks like." Or when he can't control his Cher voice, "that came out wrong." Those jokes work on so many levels, each one hilarious. Everyone did a great at being their characters and when Kenneth becomes so drunkenly depressed that he reveals his true feelings: "Kiss My Face"--- is a totally validating an existence of a character just so we can have him play out that wonderful scene. My favorite joke goes to something bias once again: Carol is just meeting Liz and divulges information about life as a pilot leading to the exchange of him saying, "I don't know what's wrong in this country." Liz: "I know. People wear flips flops to church. And the NBA tattoo situation is out of control." That situation is out of control! In the 80s, those were men playing a team sport. The 90s crept in some individualism (Rodman, pff) and now its just a matter of fact thing that NBA players have tattos. LeBron had them in high school. Our country used to have its star basketball players be respectful and endorse nice products, now they thrive on individualism and making asses of themselves via stupid tattoos that compromise why they are really out there. Sure there is a dress code, but they ain't making up for tattoos. Sure, be yourself- but dammit- you're an image to people. Dr. J didn't have any tattoos probably. (Even Fundamentals Duncan has a dumb tattoo!) Also, flip flops in Church speaks to the lack of conviction in faith based religion. Church is about simply going to church, not about sticking to any higher power code. So much context hidden behind so much funny in one line.

So cool, inherit bias all around. That's how you're supposed to watch TV- for yourself. Develop a relationship with the characters, and like in real life, you'll have ones you like better and marry one of them and watch them with her for just an enjoyable evening of yourselves. That actually made sense, and I am only half patronizing here. Look, great TV inspires, and this inspired me to try a little more. You could tell that by the length of this entry as compared to others.

Review: Clouds

We have a lot of little fun here at Dumb Reviews reviewing things in a manner at its best considered 'roamy' (back-up word choice: 'fraudulescent'), but nothing I ever reviewed here is as cut and dry on what side to take (in favor for or in condemnation of) as clouds. And the side to take is both.

Clouds are the impossible enigma, making the sun shine less directly and horribly quantifying idiots thoughts on heaven. They are white and fluffy, yet their taste falls between 'nothing' and 'cold air'. Remember when we were kid and on airplanes and we were about to go into a cloud and we thought- holy shit this is going to be like when a cartoon character dies and he makes a beard out of cloud remnants or some other hilarious mark up with cloud remnants and we thought that would happen to the plane but really we just couldn't look outside? Clouds do sure make babies look cuter and more like angels therefore more like dead therefore justifying abortion. It was my choice to make angels dead babies for the purpose of the joke.

Clouds also provide storks resting places, but the world has become more PC as to explain babies properly to kids (thanks internet) that fantasy stork stories have declined 80% since 2002. Clouds, when coming to life, also use their mouths to affect the weather. Either by blowing or by squeezing out rain or snow. Both of which are factual mixed blessings that I do not need to joke about. Clouds are also lackeys, hanging out with rainbows to look cool and checking out thick books in the library to prove they can carry them. For some reason, clouds have been appearing on pajama pants more and more. I do not understand that? Cause clouds look comfortable? Because nighttime clouds are in a fashionable blue? I mean both those answers are acceptable but I'd like to be informed on trends please, pajama pants makers.

Clouds have done exceedingly well at blocking the sun, who is the biggest glory hog and God's favorite creation. Nevermind the fact that facts say the sun is just another star and there are bigger ones in are ever expanding universe... christian God loves the sun and are only means of resisting his power is through the shadowy glow of our man made clouds. Smoke Clouds, Smog Clouds, Acid Rain Clouds, Mushroom clouds- all join together in saying, "Hey God- we got this. Please disprove yourself and bother another planet." And God is all like "Alien Jesus is a great idea." And we're all like "And God was all like about Space Christ on his Astro Cross". So If I am going to talk about Christianity in the form of Science Fiction, well I am not and just going to link to David Liebe Hart clips on youtube: that's how I end it.

Review: when Kenny was inside Cartman

It was a 4 episode arc. A double-decker sandwich if you will, 2 delicious breads, with weak meat but with condiments to make up for it. Twas season six, the end of the Professor Chaos season where they weren't hanging out with Tweek anymore. In fact it was the 2nd run of episodes of 2002, premiering in November.

In the episode 'Ladder to Heaven' hilarious things happen and notable to this post- Cartman drinks Kenny's ashes thinking they are chocolate milk mix. Thus he inherits Kenny's soul. This arc plays for initial value in the Ladder to Heaven episode, and is mentioned and played with for 2 episodes (The Return of The Fellowship of The Ring to the Two Towers and Death Camp of Tolerance) and is dutifully wrapped up as the other plot in The Biggest Douche in the Universe.


Let's look at this phenomena, which happens seamlessly in in the wacky world of South Park. A character sharing bodies with another character? Don't even bat a lash, just go with it and enjoy. Great. In the Ladder to Heaven, Cartman uses Kenny's memories to retrace the steps to find a ticket so that the boys can have their candy shopping spree, but soon Kenny's presence makes itself even more known calling Cartman a 'blood belching vagina'. Here we see the layer of character development. We know Cartman would never say anything bad about himself as he is his favorite person, and we finally get to hear the dialogue of Kenny, the member of the group with the sickest mind and twisted knowledge of sex (he did know what Fingerbang actually meant). Over the next two episodes, we are simply reminded of the fact that Kenny is in Cartman. Sure, it is fun to play with, but we do get a pay-off episode of the Kenny in Cartman body. So these 2 "tween" episodes just show us- crazy things happen to the boys and the boys just keep living. Why? Because they are 9.


As in The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers, Kenny is only there as a reminder, letting the plot really happen. "There are 4 of us, Kenny is in Cartman's body. Remember?", "There are actually 7 of us, Kenny is in Cartman's body," Stan says on seperate occasions. While in the Death Camp of Tolerance, a rich soil for Cartman to revel in, we only get one instance of Kenny's presence in Cartman. As Mr. Garrison returns as the 4th grade teacher, Kenny overtakes Cartman's hand with his sense of boyhood mischief as he throws a paper airplane against Cartman's best wishes. Mr. Garrison scolds Cartman, but the boys inform their teacher that Cartman drank Kenny's ashes and that Kenny is the real culprit. Garrison goes on to spank, for the 1st time, Mr. Slave. So an episode introducing Mr. Slave as well as Lemmiwinks much more than makes up for the fact they aren't playing with the Kenny-Cartman dynamic. In fact, I'd be disappointing if they actually did.


In the final episode, Cartman is sick with Kenny's spirit and the boys visit John Edwards to talk to Kenny. Cartman ends up going to Scotland with Chef to get the spirit out and everything working out hoo rah. I'd like to think that Kenny is always a sick, dying child. So while even in Cartman, that continues. There is a fun little instance where Cartman laughs at 'The Stapler' starring Rob Schneider rated PG-13 and says it was Kenny as well as Cartman telling Kenny 'The Carrot' isn't funny. The ultimate resolution is Chef and Cartman losing the pot roast that contains Kenny's spirit and in inevitably ends up in the body of the much maligned Rob Schneider. They wrapped up the loose end by doing a funny running joke. Calling out Rob Schneider for doing shitty PG-13 movies where he falls down as someone else is a great, specific pop cultural touchstone to poke fun of their own note character of Kenny, and an ultimate pay-off of seeing Rob Schneider die in an iconic Kenny scene fromt he first season. And there goes the Kenny in Cartman plot.

Kenny is really the forgotten character, and even while in the show's biggest star, he is still forgotten. Stan, Kyle and Cartman did forget about him (Kenny's mother even calls this out in Ladder to Heaven), until they want something from him. But as hardcore fans will note, Kenny should be forgotten, he is there to die, to mumble, and to play the dirty, perverse part of childhood. When dying became a crutch, they rounded Kenny out some, but he still is a mumbling character who won't convey much. And during the 5th and 6th season Kenny dies for good for awhile because South Park has smart writers who can make that work. Kenny is the least important of the 4 boys, but by playing with his character this early in the series (season 6 is about midway- but currently they are in season 14) they established they can do anything they want with Kenny. Which they do amicably.


Truly, one of the least recognized strengths of South Park is they know when to do things. Unlike the Simpsons, they have made a successful movie. They did so by doing it early in the series run at the height of its mania. And allowed itself to grow into satire. OK, sure, hearing more of Cartman saying more of Kenny's dialouge would be great, but simply knowing that a main character's spirit is in another main character's body and having it not be a big deal whatsoever is pretty great too. South Park, you sly dogs.

Review: Introducing Yourself

Hello! My name is Julliana Heft-Morgber and I'm here to tell you about the benefits of introducing yourself. Before, I was suicidal and after my 3rd suicide attempt I felt even more pressure to, ya know, finish the job. But thanks to the power of saying my name to others- I've only thought about my next attempt.

Introducing yourself is a great way to meet others. It also gets your name out there while making you seem friendly. Introducing yourself also let's other people know that you know your name, and that you are able to communicate on some level.

Introducing yourself also creates great opportunity to lie about anything, zone people out, look busy, case someone to steal from them later, compare your breath to others, let you know your standing order in case a colony of ants uprises against the human race, share information about battery preferences, fall in love, introduce your fist to their face, stare, make you seem likable to those you haven't introduced yourself to yet, practice introductions, make you wonder why you left you spot- it was a good spot- out of the way-view of the whole room, and amuse yourself.

All you need to introduce yourself is a sense of where you are and the capacity to recognize! So you see- introducing yourself is as easy as 1,2. Thanks introducing yourself- it was great to meet you.

Review: Babbling

I'm Sorry- I google image searched 'to babble' and this came up.

The negative connotations on babbling are that of ignorance and wet-from-after-birthed-ness (either way still has a lingering vaginal smell)(probably). To babble is to say a series of indiscreet sounds in a meaningless confusion. But meaningless can have meaning if the meaning is to mean nothing. The intelligent babble is something of an art form. If someone is reading this to you, and not looking at the spelling of the word babble, please note that this is not the 2006 film that launched 2 actresses into Oscar trivia noir. But a specific realized babble is like jazz music. Meaning it's improvised. That's really all the similarities. I guess they are both fun to hear when stoned. And I guess they both influenced Ska music. Babbling can have direction because misdirecting someone is still directing someone- its just a more selfish and prankish way, which shoul be totally acceptable by now. TV Shows such as MTV favorite 'New Jersey Beach Area' and 'The Area" were prolific in their approach of using real words to make babble a high rated TV phenomena. The evolution of Sportscenter has taken such a high brow approach to babbling that only the person reading what he is saying can truly understand what is going on. And clearly- I have stepped on a point here to address: when someone babbles, it is up to you- the listener- to understand and stay with the speaker. That understanding is a lasting bond, one that let's you know that 'Hey, I am as stupid as this person' and 'Wow. I can hear again.' Basically, babbling is a growing cultural trend, and I look forward to seeing it in Sex and the City 2, this blog, commencement speakers at Quinnipiac, safety rules and regulations on most cruise ships, anytime someone reads the Torah, and, the best example of the creative genius babbling can offer- Tracy Jordan, and the wonderful dialouge spouted out by Ned Flanders.

I think I established that I am about 70% on babbling's side.

Review: LeBron James

Do I fault myself for believing the hype? No. The hype has always been there and was always backed up. I just feel... and the ellipsis is there for dramatical reasons... cheated. This was supposed to be the LeBron James year. The best player in the game wins a championship--- and we all say "no duh- the best player in the game is supposed to win championships". And it is because Michael Jordan spoiled us. Do I want another Jordan? Yes, but in a different packaging- one that has assists as well- and that was supposed to be LeBron James. Because that's the hype I believed. But a 2nd round bow out? On a team stacked for him to win a championship? OU-CHA. I get it that Shaq is old, but he split time with another former all-star center and the team's energy player. You also somehow got another all-star. One that can shoot the corner shot and take the scoring load off LeBron in Antawn Jamison. When Kobe got a gift player- he at least reached the finals with him that year (lost to Boston- maybe Boston is just the better team?). I am the type of person who wants what is best for the NBA- and right now- that thing created points off turnovers for the wrong team and isn't playing basketball anymore. I hope he feels bad about himself. He had some weight on some shoulders, and when you are that high profile- you live up to that weight. It's called being great. I don't know who to blame- so I'll just blame the supporting cast. It's not LeBron's fault? It can never be... is he that good? Game 5, you can blame- and therefore we might blame him on this series? But Mo Williams is no Kevin Johnson and they don't have anyone close to Dan Majerle. Better back court? Sure. But by now we're just stacking the team and it's like the Yankees. And in sports- we hate the Yankees. That Phoenix Suns team had young guys too in Ceballos and Dumas- so basically I am saying the 92 93 Suns were a better designed Championship team because they came about naturally, and they lost naturally. The 2009-10 Cavs- built up around a stud, and lost around the stud. Do I ask who can play with LeBron when I very well know everyone can- maybe it is who can stand the pressure and win a championship with LeBron? Shaq can and didn't. That question has everything to do with free agency. He should just team up with Bosh and go to New York because at least it's trying something. And I need something from LeBron. Stay in Cleveland? With all that pressure there? Sure, your legacy is there (great players- one team (we don't count Washington for MJ)), but you are 2010- big money, friends with Jay-Z, CEO, you are a business, and you can do anything you want. And me- I am just opining. It has been less than 12 hours and I miss you already. Miss you playing basketball. I didn't want anyone else to win a championship this year. I thought the Magic were a better team anyway, but this is playoff LeBron who can win series just by being the best player in the game. Basketball is tougher than it looks. I already knew that. I just wanted to believe.

This Kevin Durant bandwagon has too many open seats anyway.

Review: The Simpson's Basement

Perhaps, I've never talked about the Simpsons too much out of respect and reverence. But who does that? They are so rich and deep in character that most people don't like them anymore. The Simpsons is a gold standard, and the viewing audience has seen gold for 20 years. It's just a little airborn- it's still good. That being established- I'd like to talk about a seldom used facet of Simpsonia- The Simpson's Basement. In the real life Simpson's house, they did not bother to build a basement. Why not? The basement has served many a function. A place where Homer can brew beer without the watchful eye of Rex Banner, store their giant tiki head Xtapolapocetl (a gift from Mr. Burns), hold old TV guides, the secret lair for Pie Man, Marge's sanctuary when she had agrophobia (pictured abovely), a place where Bart invites homeless men to sleep (in spite of the radon gas leak, a place to hide a sauna, and basically where Marge does laundry (and where Bart used to race the laundry machines). Homer's tool are down there, but he is more keen on working in the garage. Homer does use the basement to bat around a lightbulb that hangs there to keep him sane after giving away multi million dollar greyhounds. A hanging lightbulb and laundry. Talk about lower upper middle class. They can't afford a nice basement, but they don't really use it anyway (they have had a ping pong table at times, also some nuclear waste and paint cans (not as much as Ol' Painty Can Ned though). It's just a basement. A seldom used basement. It speaks more to the fact that this family watches TV rather than re-do a basement that is prone to flooding, is poorly ventilated, and is a D'oh to clean. Sometimes the door to the basement is a closet door, and sometimes it's a basement door. Either way, homer falls down the steps when there is no light bulb in it because Bart used it to hatch eggs of a bird he killed at Nelson's house using a gun with crooked sight.

See- The Simpsons are about the reference and the trail to go off of. Why? Because they are hilarious. There was deeper meaning in the more satirical days of seasons 4 thorugh 8, but now its just The Simpsons continued legacy of brilliance. And I love the Simpsons. I just talked about their basement.

Review: Andy Samberg

'Jewish Comedic Legacy' or None of those word

The trouble of Andy Samberg is whether to root for him or not. He is making his name for his self in a highly specific vacuum of nuanced song-parody and internet friendly humor. And it is funny, if not unapologetically goofy. It's just not always funny. And Samberg fills the role of 'good-looking goof-ball' cast member too well. So we rushed him into a movie. The movie was Hot Rod, and that cannot be considered a bad movie for we get to see Danny McBride and Bill Hader act opposite each other, as well as one of the best lines in movie history from Chris Parnell: “I’ve got a tattoo here that fully illustrates my point. It’s of this rebellious young man, and he’s urinating on an FM radio. And then this other stream of urine is going onto that television set. Implausible, I know, but I like to think that he had sex the night before, and a little bit of residue is blocking his urethra, allowing the urine to flow in two separate directions.” Samberg in the movie? Eh. Channeling your inner-Will Ferrell is best left to Youtube users. I just want him to get another chance. It's that I don't want to hate Andy Samberg. He likely smokes a ton of weed and he dates Joanna Newsom and he pulls off that haircut. And how much I hate lasercats- I still watch it. Samberg displays a great appreciation and genuine care for the things he parodies- just not strong acting chops in them. I don't like seeing Cathy or Scrooge McDuck when they are not done justice. Sudeikas stepped out in 30 Rock, The Ten, and The Rocker. That's just one example. As every other main cast member- Arms, Forts, Wiigs, Hader, and Keenan- have proven themselves completely viable outside SNL confines. Hell, even Jorma has, and he is the behind the scenes guy who helped build the Samberg giant. I'm just saying all this, because there is hostile comedy nerd uprising against Samberg. He can continue in his schlock of 80s parody and catchphrases and entertain 13 year olds to fulfill the role of 'internet age Adam Sandler', or he can do something else and I can have a higher opinion of him. Whatever. He should gain 150 pounds as art. Whatever. He should fuck fruit on stage. Whatever. He should hang out at Western Unions and ask people if they are surprised to see him. He can't help he is marketable. I just don't really like him. I mean look at that picture- a messenger bag to a gala event?

Review: Mustache Respect

Appropriate can be defined as 'within means of a given moral realm'. This being an age of equality and of the internet (meaning an age of easy chastising) I find the mustache to be a larf. Larf can be defined as a made up word with no real meaning but with intentions to mock probably and to be looked at dowardly definitely. I am not going to define dowardly, you can use context clues. The point here is, mustaches were past their peak before I knew what a peak was when I was a child and now they are past their ironic peak. That is in large part due to the mustache finger tattoo that makes you cool for approximately 2 seconds and of the marketing of the mustache. Blame Anchorman. I readily blame Anchorman for many things daily. Blame your dad. I shot blame all over your dad last night. I non sequitured all over you right now. No, but your dad, our dad's generation, was the generation where we started moving from the word 'father' to 'dad' and they were cool in the '70s and mustaches completely made sense in the '70s. It showed personality and women were more objects. Today people are smarter and more gay. Sure there are people still attracted to mustaches, so the mustache isn't completely dead. But for the most part, the mustache reminds us of our father. There is more to life than irony, and that is called smarter irony. Please be more specific and detailed with your irony so that no one gets it. If you gain an obscene amount of weight, wear a muumuu, a funny cap, and have catchphrases in a pseudo effeminate tone- that'd be hilarious because you are putting your life in danger. If you wear lab coats and have frizzy hair and always have a gadget of sorts you have made that doesn't work- well I'd just like that. If you play center for the Orlando Magic and really are just a force on the court and basically slam dunk the entire time while acting comical off the court, well you've been done to death.

To sum things up, you'd have to be upper echelon cool to pull off a mustache. And if you're likely reading this, you likely know no one who is.

Review: Weekend Box Office

Currently, as I am of the date and time placed on this entry, the box office #1 movie is probably an Iron Man movie. That is to set up the parlance of our times, you trophy wife. The weekend box office take is such a wonderful ploy, that reaches to the core of every american with the burning issue: should I care about a celebrity. Sure, there are high roads to be taken, as Paul Giamatti will nary be seen on the box office list... but nary means sometimes. And Paul Giamatti was in Big Fat Liar. Also other things. Now the high road can lead to only seeing Harmony Korine movies and knowing who Leo Fitzpatrick is (which is great) but it also misses out on the mysterious charms of a Robert Downtown Jr, or any of the off-beat performances of anybody who was ever acting in the 'Saw' film franchise. But mades are made, and subsequently lied in. The Weekend Box Office validates people and un-validates them: we loved Jennifer Aniston, and now- it is acceptable to ignore her. So thank you "The Bounty Hunter". The box office also lets us take our unrequitted love of certain actors and push them so that they are allowed to do movies from now on ie the success of Date Night hopefully means more Tina Fey guffawing on the big screen. The box office is also a mistress to delegate what to think of Matt Damon. Matt Damon isn't going away, but at least we have a tolerability index (come back, The Hater). Currently, thanks to Green Zone, we are tired of him which has suffocated all his Informant and Invictus goodwill.

The Weekend Box office, though it is cruel, fickle, and contradicts itself, is governed by the highest of low powers- the people. Cases in points- Kangaroo Jack and Sweet Home Alabama were #1 movies. We are America and we don't care about art and merit- and sometimes we do, but sometimes we let Sandra Bullock have Oscars. So what am I trying to say? Nothing. I am never saying anything because everything is ridiculous and people still listen to Freebird. America has ruined Winnie the Pooh and continues to do so. But we also let Sacha Baron Cohen make fun of people, and oh look- the Box office does create a genuine rift in that I can experience the magic of Harmony Korine and Leo Fitzpatrick. Did I contradict myself? Did I not contradict myself? Will I ever can be not able to howsoever whosever whatsoever Tome Seaver Amen.