Nomo - Invisible Cities

"Don't you hate getting the cramps? I mean its like get out of my way before I make you into a shelf to put my collectable crystal turtle shells on and discard the rest of your body! Its just like gimme that midol or I'm going to shove a stick down your throat to churn your insides into butter! Right, right...  every month I do this... right, right. It's like my insides are giving birth to the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard but the chalkboard has nerve endings and the fingernails are actually sharpened bones still attached to child burn victims. Its like I can't function without my coffee in mornings. But whoa- like a white blinding rage where I have no sense of my strength or conscience and I believe in the Suns of Xervna to obliterate non-believers of the 4th Triad of Verloorsna. Bloodbath, right!!! Haha, ohhhh. Like when I'm on the "dish-towel" (the carpet sample, the hair clippings glued together, the severed skunk tail) I just want wear these size XXXL jogging pants, throw up without feeling it, and watch the West Wing to make me really horny with at the same time curbing that horniness back down to throwing up. I mean, am I right ladies, am I right?"

Check your shocks, I hear some squeakin': Waiting

Hill William: Horse Dentist

Zs - Music of the Modern White

Cue the molten lava... aaaand ACTION!............................ cut, cut, cut, cut cut cut- CUT. I said molten lava. What kind of lava is this? I want molten! When Dom Embergerio wants La-va that is Molten, Dome Embergerio will get lava that is molten. I don't know what this is, this is some kind of huckleberry lava... like a stag party lava... THERES NO GLOW TO IT- no mystique... no molten. Molten lava shymies better. If I have to explain this to you, you might as well as start packing your bags and hope Service Merchandise comes back in business cuz you are going to be fired not like the lava you have provided. MOLTEN LAVA. Its probably the word most associated with lava. What you gave me is like standing lava, like stagnant lava, lava puddles a lava monster would go around on his daily lava jog to build his lava heart a lava rate. So can you get me molten? Try a volcano. Or that new store 'Be my Lava' I guess its a play on words but I don't get it, so your next task is to decipher it for me. But after you get me some molten lava. Alright? Now, go.

Same Day Review: as Pitchfork!

Untold Relationship Intrigue: Elmo and the Cookie Monster

The Fiery Furnaces - I'm Going Away (TAKE 2)

Saint Peter: "So Farrah, you made it to heaven- congrats, you'll fit right in here. That was a Charlie's Angels joke. But wow, to be honest, its really amazing to get such a cultural icon as yourself. We have a lot of fans of yours here in heaven and I just want to say that you are a.... sorry, excuse me... what? No! You serious? This is a joke c'mon. I'll believe it when I see it... Sorry about that miss Fawcett it was just... excuse me again... what now? OK ok, someone else just tried pulling that one on me... Geez Farrah, I apologize. I mean someone of your stature shouldn't be subject to these constant interrup-- Oh my, yes God... I understand sir... Of course, God... he'll really be here shortly?... HE'S COMING NOW?! OH MY YOU, OH MY YOU!  I see him now Lord, AHHHH! MICHAEL! MICHAEL!..... Oh go ahead in lady.

You Know What Caleb: Charmaine Champagne

DeJuan Blair: have at em, big boy

The Fiery Furnaces - I'm Going Away

I think we solved the energy crisis today. Celebrity icons pass away and we should all just concentrate on that. WHAT A LOVING TRIBUTE. Rib-ute would be a good night at Ruby Toosdoos. They can just have ribs shaped in the shape of loved family members. Women's Rib-eration: Woman can enjoy ribs together. That seems plausible. Why'd I leave that one so vague. I could of took it places, but just saying it and leaving it dumb was good. Why did I acknowledge that? Was it beautiful? Is that a question I should be asking? What did Bad Company sing? Is that a question I should try answering? Should I try and focus in on something. To reign in the LIGHT (foreshadowing). When America lets itself down by showing emotions- who should we turn to. When Tony brings a girl home but is messing things up who do we as Tony turn to? Who should we still be lucky to have, that encompasses the musical talents and introverted showmanship that was Farrah Fawcett with the flowing hair and 70s sex appeal that was Michael Jackson? Who is someone that you scrolled down already and saw? Who is someone that I saw today and laughed for about 10 hours? I mean you drive your car and you hit seed bumps and you think to yourself, what is this red liquid that burst out of the speed bump and why did the speed bump scream and why are there speed bumps on the beach. There are fat people dying all the time, and they are the ones affecting how you are going to be buried since they take up more room. Where was I? Oh right- Ladies and Gentler Men, Judith Light:

Angela Bower could have possibly been the Boss

Transformers: Cut the Cake

Good Day in the NBA: probably.

Sigur Ros - We Play Endlessly

O I am extremely proud of my kids. Kristoffus lives in Arcata, CA and he works as a secretary at a local optical solutions center in the 6th largest shopping center in the county. We see him about every 4 or 5 years, we usually fly out there to see him. Our youngest, Jezra Elaine is liberal. So we feel like part of us is liberal too, which is a fun new feeling to feel. She is in wardrobe at a news station in Grover, Alabama. Its right on the border, and the closest mall is in Georgia, so we don't think of her as an Alabaman. Our oldest child, Humphrey Lazlo Jr, still lives in Coram Shores, about 4 houses down. He would like to live closer. But he could only afford the apartment he lives in now. Its a nice apartment with a lot of shelves. He borrows our pots a lot to cook, and he now washes them, so we're proud. He is an entrepreneur. He works in mail order a lot, and has a job posting links in comments sections of different sites on the internets. Its great cuz we hear from him about once a day cuz he usually needs one of our credit cards or has to ship an item to our house. We also have satellite tv and get more channels than he does. He is currently planning a march of dimes. Grandkids? None yet. See we were afraid to talk to our children about sex, so I believe it really messed them up... mentally. O well, we are still so proud.

5 Foot Dollar Long: Vio Spilum Endalaust

Hon: Duras

Ume - Sunshowers EP

We're not looking for someone who cannot trace here, ya know what I mean? We want someone capable of tracing with a high talent level in the field... of tracing. I know this is a job where you simply look to see if how thick or thin our laminate machine laminates. But what we really want is someone who is good at the trace. Now, have you ever traced before? Do you have steady hands? Are you capable of looking thru paper? How hard do you press with a writing utensil? Again, none of these skills will qualify you for the job, but we want someone who can trace. OK? Now if you can go home and bring us back some examples of things you have traced- some silhouette outlines, maybe some ripped off works of art, or baby pictures. Now if you don't have any other questions other than why, we'll get on to the physical challenge portion of the interview.

That's some expenisve sugar, I mean for the net weight: The Conductor

It looks like a Hockey Jersey: But It says Ralph Lauren

You didn't blog today?

how come?

- the sun was in my eyes

- the sun grew eyes and looked at me with them into my eyes and unsurprisingly he has heat vision, therefore melted my eyes

- mr. sand man brought me a dream, it was the cutest i ever did see, and that dream was to have a knife for a penis and i fucked my way to being queen of the aptitude test ministered by Joe Brigman Testing Industry "Joe Briggman- adding G's all the time"

- the sun literally came down to earth and literally walked up to me, and jumped inside my retinas

-rain delay, Cubs 5, Rockies 4, BOT 5th- was on and I didn't want to miss it

-Brain delay... full force nudity funcationality blessed rooot garber funtonalli dis-press-cision the nordic track rafe parninny the nordic track rafe parninni parnizzi par nar neee ppppp nnnnn mnmnmm 

-I was writing commercials for flags

- you were already wet

-the country of Zimbabwe needed a hero, I was that hero

-my laugh was up for an audition to be a part in the Jay Leno audience

-my hair plugs finally took, though my butt plugs can still use some fine tuning

-I had a near death experience, so i just had to re-organize my netflix cue

-i was discovering the magic that is Dire Straits (truth)

-my son's penis was in my eyes

White Denim - Fits

Penny priest shoves a dollar in his million man march scars after slicing them open with discarded tennis ball shards after they were tested by being run over by roller coasters (fact: speed a roller coaster needs to half a tennis ball is 96 mph, the same speed in which a penguin beak can be used a dart), his hair- the intern of is body-  cross referenced his face and accidently made the mating signal for robins and the Slavic 'check please' signal- needles to say (HA!) the Slavic robins didn't notice, however the Slavic bird impersonator noticed (trying to impress a dean of students) but open acting- he tripped over and unplugged the computer plug, losing the data for the coast guard survey- will  he ever know if he is fit to be a coast guard? will he ever know that much about coast guards? will he get the free quesadilla counter he was promised after clicking the banner ad? All this and more at 11. (does this place take credit cards?)

Cut Backs The Musical: Sex Prayer

Season 2 of Flight of the Concords: Oh Yeah?

YACHT - See Mystery Lights

"we only have about fifteen minutes!"

"14 minutes."

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Disposable Botanical Garden: We Have All We've Ever Wanted

My Last Facebook update: "once we figured out that they were indeed Bibles, they let the babies out."

The Drums - EP

I'm going to write your next couple twitter tweets for you:

-Funeral was too long for someone so short!

- "more power"- tool man

-is no longer supporting breast cancer awareness. just supporting breasts. (i'm a bra, bro)

-the mattress of the stars

-I need a Wicker Basket to be ALL PURPOSE- no more long handles, we went deeper troughs.

-Dave Chappelle wore corduroy in the 90s, make of it what you will

- new House of Payne tonight probably!

- OMG this drain never ends!

- chapped lips finals this weekend: mixing sand in all my koolaid

- just started the mini works of art store- already sold out of Frida Kahlos! Its for dollhouses/birdcages

-in a KFC, have a gun, hoping to educate about water conservation

-used life rafts are saving me so much $$$$

- @DavidFaustino, shave

-on the toilet, totally lost track of time, happens every time I break and enter

-can anyone draw me a swastika that doesn't look like a swastika? its for a tattoo

-if you think about it, every wall is a roof in a portapotty

-too cute, baby has a sex tape

- at the accident, Tweety really got Sylvester this time

Good Job Clyde: I'll Never Drop My Sword

Jugs: people call boobs this! 

So Cow - So Cow

You can't scratch diabetes. It must be another disease or 'fault' you must have. I am pretty sure that diabetes isn't why you are short either. I think its just your genetics, or again it is one of God's "jokes" he is playing on you. No, it would be my God, not yours. You can't go around blaming your problems, such as your retaining ankle weight, on the last medical condition you heard of. I mean you didn't even do research on Diabetes outside of listening to the Wilford Brimley commercial. It would've had a chance for an argument if you would've related his mustache and his diabetes to your rapid growing facial hair and your 'diabetes' but no- you went straight to your more 'pressing' problems. If you wanna get by in life, at least learn how to lie well. I'll tell you one thing though- this cotton candy is delicious. Well done, what is it made from? No! No- really? And to think all this time I've been avoiding tween pubes.

Chairs are too nice in Congress: Oh For Fuck's Sake

Didn't Work for Me: You'll Have That

The Most Serene Republic - And the Ever Expanding Universe

I think it'd be funny if a community came together and decided to only give out tootsie rolls on halloween. 

"Tootsie Rolls again? I have like 50 little tootsie roll pieces."

Night Gowns Half Off: No One Likes A Nihilist

Billy Idol Impressionist: Monet, Monet

Chris Garneau - El Radio

Thats just a great ocean. It has all the qualities I love in an ocean: wet, adjacent to land, part irish, doesn't finger stain from cheetos, is free, overweight but proud, stuck on the vest fad, chews gum slowly, sits with their knees tucked in, boyfriends, gets away with murder, can take a punch, can take a scissor stab, smells like cigarettes, great debater. I once saw this ocean make a spanish omelet with only 1 egg and some old chap stick. This ocean houses more missing people than your pussy ocean. This ocean graduated from over 16 dog obedience schools. Maybe ocean's born with it, maybe its maybeline. This ocean conquered the space king Zarthaneon in the year 560 AD. This ocean irons diapers and was the first woman with a short haircut. This ocean. This ocean. This ocean.

Know Your Product: No More Pirates

Medical Dramas: Nice Try

Discovery - LP

When I was your age- time was written on dogs in a cage. One was released every minute with a dog catcher catching the minutes passed dogs. This was a great system, proving to be too easy so they started letting out the dogs in different parts of the town making the time dog catcher's job even more eventful. It was a spectacle to witness. The system went debunk after he couldn't catch 2:44 pm one day and everyone kept thinking it was 2:44 pm. Turned out 2:44 pm was making its business with 11:07 pm and were found at 11:34 pm with 7:18 pm and the corpse of 2:50 pm. Still was a good system. Unless the time dog got wet. The times were written on the released dogs in washable marker, and sometimes if a dog wasn't caught within its designated minute the time would rub off or be smudged. If it was rubbed off the dog was free to go. This caused a lot of doubling up dogs with times. The towns folk would be confused and say "why is 1:18 out at 4:47?" If a time dog became smudged, he was put down because of poor work. Still was a good system though. When clocks became the standard, we just tied a whole lot of them to the time dogs and let the dogs roam free. The problem with that was our clocks were crudely made and usually started a fire on the dogs who were mobile enough on fire to spread it even quicker than wildfire. Thats why we use the term, 'spread faster than a time dog fire.' Its also why there are so few people in this town. 'Cuz of all the time dog ghosts haunting the village. Also- we don't keep track of time anymore.

The Smell of Marble to Marbles: So Insane

What I Stand for: Chairs

Tiny Vipers - Life on Earth

Hi Ho Turtle Doves, Caleb here. I know I don't usually 'break' from the assigned tone I made up and blatantly address you like this. BUT, something important has happened and I would just like to share some advice with you: Never Eat at a Thank Goodness Its Fridays in New York Stoned. Now- I can't speak for other Thank Goodness Its Friday establishments outside New York City, but all the ones here are tourist destinations. Therefore, vis a vi, they are riddled with the depressed run-off of employees who are toiled in the muck and mire by having to serve tourists who think they are out for a nice New York meal when they are at a fucking Thank Goodness Its Fridays (I'm not saying TGIF's because that is a nickname and nicknames are for friends and Thank Goodness Its Fridays is nooo friend of mine). But, man, having a 50 something middle eastern food runner just puts things in perspective. He came to this country- to work in a dank pit with shit nailed to the wall- to bring out food to me, this fucking stoned kid with a gift card who has blue juice all over my face and is dressed 2 steps above a homeless man? That's so sad. He most likely has a family, and this is what his son is seeing him as- the old guy who brings out food, who gets perentages of a tip? And the waitress- man, there was this foreign group (possibly Lithuanians) who kept hitting on the waitress and making her pose in funny pictures they took (peace signs, stick your tongues outs) and it was painfully clear to us at least that she got rejected from so many other jobs that this was the net that caught her. I'm sorry- we all have to get by- but it is good to know strip clubs have standards. And thats awful I say that, cuz I hve no fucking clue but that is what the situation is lending itself too. But, man, I was her peer. I am her peer. And when you have to hear from someone your own age that they want this shrimp wrapped in bacon, and then you have to brig it to them, and you see them eat it like a video in rewind of a bear vomiting... that job sucks. And I realize this as its happening, and man- it was sad. We were the only ones in the Thank Goodness Its Fridays at a point. Tuesday night, stoners eating at a restaurant after a family dressed in Miami Dolphins paraphernalia left a 10% tip.. good luck. Just never eat at a Thank Goodness Its Fridays stoned- its like eating remorse wrapped in melancholy with a high calorie count.

You were a mall for halloween: Young God

Wish for More Muscles: in your mouth

Valet - False Face Society

"Don't do it,  Johnny No Fingers! Don't palm him to death! He was only trying to sell us locks for our air conditioner which I believe is a good idea while the skunk-raccoon mixed species family that resides in our air conditioning unit is out for their Sunday stroll."

"But I got to."

"NO! Don't! Johnny No Fingers, noooo! I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it, and I am not saying that I don't love the skuncoon family who I have watched development into a cohesive family raising 2 wonderful boys. Sure they have their ups and downs, but thats family, ya know. I am simply suggesting it is in not the right mind frame to palm this man to death, because it takes forever for you to do so."

"I'm gonna do it..."

"Not to mention the wear and tear on your palms. I mean the palms are the only thing on your hand. And they ain't in too good shape because of your method of ass wiping. Plus again- the time frame here- it would take at least 4 to 5 hours to bluntly kill this man with only your palms."

"Listen, I.."

"Johnny No Fingers! There is nothing saying he won't fight back. This is just an e-mail anyway. We don't know what this man is capable of, but I am fairly certain that he will fight back. And chances are he is a normal person with fingers and not high on PCP. So I implore you, just empty the spam folder. It'll all be over soon."

"It'll all be over soon."

"It will all be over soon."

"Te Tall Te Ta Ta a-rooooo."

AND SCENE.

These Characters In This Color: Angels Can't Stop

Modern Pen Sounds: Silence

CocoRosie - Coconuts, Plenty of Junk Food

 

Wait, those are actors? They weren't really convinced that saving money is the best option? That's not cool.

Your No. 3 Receiver's Breakout Year: Its a Tour Only EP

I'm busy: Doing what?

Dinosaur Jr - Farm

So let me get something straight- in this bible (bbl with no vowels) Noah only got 2 of every animal and god encouraged him to only get to get 2. Saaah?? This means Noah weeded out some animal... he had some criteria... he looked at some animals and said to himself, "I got a better one of you to live, you can die." His criteria might of been first come first serve, but I don't think he thinks god thats stupid as he omnipitates. So- he got these animals to fuck, cuz who needs oars when you got a boat full of animals fucking. Animals fucking, 2, 3, 4. So, to please a god, Noah spent several years traveling the world... checking animal genitalia, seeing the best ones, saying you can live and fuck the best giraffe pussy. Noah had pussy criteria. Noah saw retards, and it made his job easier. Noah possibly used smell. Noah got lazy at a point. Did Noah do this with birds- cuz he was so bound to miss some. So yeah, evolution- fuck off, there was every type of bear on a boat cuz God said this is what I'm feeling, this is my instinct. Fuckin Noah.

You Can Make Money Now!: Oceans In the Way

I just ate yesterday: where's my poop

Oneida - Rated O

They can make gloves specifically for ladies. But- who are they? They are they that are those who know they can make something gender specific and make money off of it. Embers for Men. Lighthouse rails for girls. Microwaves for Boys. High Concentrate Sodium Bathing Salts for the Elderly for Transexuals. Dr. Seuss books for women. Diet Pepsi for Men. And people fall for this because people love their gender. And furthering or expanding upon an existing stereotype is the best. So- do neutral items sell? Tractors aren't neutral, they just come in it. McDonald's is neutral anymore. The one thing that is positive to both genders and is a money maker: Pornographies. Equal screen time. Lets leave it at that. You're done already?

Cactus Species Visable in Road Runner Cartoons and this song: 10:30 at the Oasis

Gay Quarterback: Go Long

Mouthus - Divisionals

hero: "You won't get away with this, Dr. Scroobtoopineblotzki."

villain: "Well, I am confident in my abilities moving forward."

hero: "Seriously man- are you even that evil"

villain: "....................................................

......................................................

....................................................."

hero: "....................................................

......................................................

....................................................."

villain: "oh sorry. that silence was to indicate that YOU TELL ME"

hero: "for a second it sounded like you said u2- tell me... does U2 have a song called Tell Me?"

villain: "if they did, it'd be like this 'TELL ME about your independence  TELL ME about your pa-aa-aain TELL ME about your suffering thru the beautiful times TEEEEEELL MEEEE"

hero: "thats pretty good"

villain: "thanks, well a lot was taken from Ben Stiller's impression from the Ben Stiller Show"

hero: "oh I heard that was good"

villain: "oh man, yeah! Its just worth it for Bob Odenkirk but Andy Dick has some great moments in it too. by the way, your girlfriend just got killed and.. nnoow... you dead? great."

Often Companies will do this in restructuring their benefit plans: In the Erase

Wrist Tolerance: Low

Air France - No Way Down EP

Express yourself thru shelving! Shelf-ish: The New Way to put things on shelves! Customize your shelf to look like you're a better person who deserves a different looking shelves. Shelves with WiFi Telecommunications. Talk to your parents thru a shelf! This shelf has a drive thru! Get mini quesadilas! You can get a bobblehead shelf... you chose what a head of a shelf constitutes and make it bobble! Are a man? Shelves with cleavage- Shelvage. This shelf is  hubcap! This shelve is Isaiah Chapter 14. This is a pile of grass shelf. Nail grass to your wall to put things on it! Put things on it. We have shelves that are entire buildings. We have scabs that are shelves and shelves that are scabbed. Gummie shelfs for gummie rooms. We can shelf anything to! Put a shelf on your depression. Get shelves in your casket. Get casket shelves on your lottery tickets. Wish you had three arms- get a shelf on your body, shelves are like arms they hooold things. Get your Glujkornians bunstcated often Foriyterly! Its just the beginning of the reign of shelf! Tthhee Rreeiiggnn ooff Sshheellff! SHELF-ISH! Cuz its made up!

Hot Water from a Water Cooler Trapeze Coordination: Collapsing at your Doorstep

If you were anything: you'd be a spigot

So Many Dynamos - The Loud Wars

Bing Bong Bing. Hula Jap Ka-blewer Bean binary. Bistol Lake Lady Late Loan. Huge Tyranny Greely Funt. Styler Romaque Niekpoddner Lube Hunch. Cycra Sanc Lank Damner. Ee Beetee Yine Winder. Wonder? Faster! Clip Cling Umpty Day. Zeus Fractle Man Carnate. See Zebra Hunt.

That was a quick lesson in getting things out of your system. For a longer lesson please send 5 dollars to:

The Sky

c/o Gravity

UP, World, No Zip Code Provided

We were running out of cleaning supply so I took what was left in each bottle individually into a sop of a paper towel and stacked those paper towels to form a Lasagna, of sorts. It actually become an adult education college for germs. Its hard to get into, but the students go on to do great things. 

This diner better be underwater: New Bones

Fad that should take off soon: Popeye Arms