Emilie Mover - Good Shake, Nice Gloves

Loyalty Issues Perceived in: Ordinary Day

The keyword in all these: pregnatude

Welcome Wagon - Welcome to the Welcome Wagon

In honor of Turkey Jesus wearing white for the first time (Turkey Jesus rose from the dead as the Great Pumpkin)(Heath Ledger Jesus is set to rise during Barack Obama's first Presidential Bowel Movement), I'm posting my resume:

Caleb "See BOLT" Shively

987789 Working Walker Blvd

Sea Boom, IO 30333

insurancescam31@alt.f1

Education

Moment's College for the Unmotivated, October 2003-January 2004

-degree in Breaking Shit

LYLAS Correctional Functional Facilital High School, summer 1999, homewrecker

-literally am part of the school, my cum is in the foundation (I jacked off in the sement mixer)

Various Elementary Schools (Ph. D)

Unregistered bird student, Fowler's School of Hard Flocks

Work Experience 

Slave, Whenever - Currently

The Ad Corp.

-selling body rights, legal name, my children's rights for pocket cash

Writer,

Dora The Explorer February 2007

- Fired. For stealing. And solely writing for an anthropomorphic rape whistle.

Mad Scientist,

Self Employed 1990-2005

-helped Bill Clinton re-lection. Mostly just cut off interesting ears I saw.

Race Engineer,

Improve Your Mood Foundation 70s, 80s

- specialized in making Asians less asian looking

Coat hanger,  1929-1967

Edina's Living Things House-atoria

-Excelled. Was there til business went under. We freaked the fuck out of kids!

Author, 

"Knock Knock Joke: Orange you glad..."

References

Lyle "You're Late" Blottenberg, Employer, "We Watch 'Curve Your Enthusiasm' With You Enterprises"

Buzz Lightyear, ex-lover (died of heart attack, but still a reference)

This is actually an awesome record, and here's how I'll sell it to you: Sufjan Stevens produced

Best Thanksgiving Parade Float: Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

Klaus & Kinski - Tu Hoguera Esta Ardiendo

Should I do a post tomorrow? In saying this I am recognizing my life support life stylie way of  one post per one day. But it is a holiday and I am yesterday's coffee. So it's like this, its like  the hop you experience after digging up a grave to practice finding cancer, its the soaking meat you piled on in that grave so that after you re-buried (re0buried) the body, wild animals will come and dig it up. Do I respect the holiday/do I have time on this holiday/Am I survivor of the electric holocaust (if it electric exists)/ do the cramps I experience in my face make the elephant on my t-shirt look like he's pulling even more vertigo patients/ is the business behind Senior pictures ethical in that someone wants to do it? I'm supposed to be asking myself if I want nay need nay neeeeed to write any entry tomorrow. Pro: yes. Cons: eh, no.  Would it make sense to- because it would not. No one is dying and only minimal people are suffering and the stairs in the bathroom lead to the toilet but its more fun to pee on the stairs. OK- on topic- yes I will do one tomorrow, but I probably will. So those are both yeses. Because it's a nice.

Where the line is blurred between bucket and hat: Flashback Al Reves

How to look cool without being cool: 'Locals Only'

Happy Hollows - Imaginary EP

Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Syth Myen. A recent study has shown that up to 50% of adult women have used an orange to give themselves a third boob, not to be outdone, bananas make a good penis.... Ann Coulter recently had surgery on her jaw causing her mouth to be wired shut, now only if they could only wire shut her mouth..... After 16 years Guns N Roses finally released their 'Chinese Democract' album, here to comment is Xian Liut Fan, a Chinese Democrat, Xian... "Thank You, Syth. As I am not talking with any accent, because I am not in anyway a stereotype of a chinese person, for example, I pee in hamburgers, not coke, I'm afraid of dying, and I've never seen a dragon. Now so, Guns n Roses is a band and their ideas of our democracy don't provide a solid structure to a government unless vague lyrics about woman and contemplations over raucous behavior do in fact lead to prosperous democratic evolution. I am now wrapping up because I really don't feel like talking."...Xian Liut Fan, everybody, he's actually Kanye West..... OK whatever, this is Caleb now. This is more of a statement on how stupid I think weekend update is rather than just me trying to write 'well' and be 'funny' rather its a potshot at the instituton of weekend update by appyling even lamer activity with less sense to show how crappy weekend update is when it does make sense, did I really need to explain myself? Ok whatever.

Shrimp, tread mill, this song: Colors

I actually like: Kevin Nealon, Tina Fey, Norm McDonald

The Fireman - Electric Arguments

What I think the plot to the new Will Smith movie, "Seven Pounds", probably is about.

Will Smith has this white friend who gets him into a predicament. Will Smith plays it cool then overreacts, but doesn't want it to go overboard so he conforms. He doesn't want to go overboard because he has a kid or something. And then he goes against his conforming because he's so black. And there's a chick who doesn't love him but loves him. And then this tree is like "how do you lose it" and Will Smith is like "nod ya head" and then there's a scene where he runs and makes a joke about his independance and then a bullet proof vest sells him pills and Will Smith is all "got 101 dalmatians on your CD-ROM" and then he's inferred to his light hearted manner with a reminiscent tale of size and then a cancer survivor argues with him, and Will Smith says "Carlton! Welcome to Earth, the city where the heat is on. I would say, he had on some pretty nice pants. I,Robot line." No one jacks him off and someone with glasses pats him on the back. The beach cries and a cash register looses its snake in a motorcycle sex crime.

Hiding Tums in Thanksgiving kisses: Sun is Shining

Will Smith should actually be: Robert Townsend (the meteor man, the parent hood)

Los Campesinos - We Are Beautiful We Are Doomed

Signs that you're dating someone that is your mom.

Wherever you go, people throw up at you.

She cuts the crust off of your sandwich, and the crust is your pubes and the sandwich is your tenders.

She picks out clothes you don't like but it doesn't matter cuz she's just going to use them to tie you to the bed and mop up your sploot.

She likes LaGuardia over JFK.

You get more sex on Mother's day than you remember as a kid.

You get deja vu when sucking on her tits.

When you say 'motherfucker' you feel the singe of hypocrisy crawling up your spine.

Your mom's friends don't talk to you or her anymore. Also anyone. Anyone doesn't talk to you.

You seem to have bad luck when actually it is God condemning you.

Your penis smells like your dad's penis.

Constant erections.

Jurassic Space Cadaver Digital Hardback Government (Formed Rear Seventh) Fight Song: We Are Beautiful We Are Doomed

Best line from last night's 30 Rock: "Camp of Approval? What does that even mean?"

Lioness - Channels

I have to get in line to see Twilight right now, so: 

Its not that funny. But it is. It's more of a cop out, because I do this every morning in about 20 minute span before I poop and shower (yes, correct, I shower after I poop so  don't have to wipe). Also the video builds up. To quote someone who said it "its Kubrick-esque" and to quote Robin Williams in Toys "We're going to fight fire with Marshmallows" (Toys had 2 Oscar nominations- whey!). So in conclusion-  I am in no way seeing Twilight... what's it even about, the blues?

one fifth of this album: The Sport of Land and Money

Anglo stereotype: better whistlers

Max Tundra - Parallax Error Beheads You

personal growth as best one can express in the midst of getting stabbed in the world's tiniest elevator where you're on the 2nd floor and going to the 57th.

"O the decades, I have befleshed, and the vast number of idols who have sung the birthday song to me while wasting food in front of a crowd of Africans I had paid to come to America and watch us, faking hypothermia on black friday just so we could end up stealing thousands of dollars and toilet seats from a cracker barrel, and the time I convinced NBC to have The Office to start each letter of their dialogue to spell a message to my dad that I fucked his stepmom. But now, but now- as I die here on this- what floor is that- 4? Ay. Well move back, you're getting blood on you... its on your mouth... where was I? What do you mean you don't remember... does anyone else remember what I was saying... Jeeps, people quit getting my blood on you... you all going to the 57th floor... yeah they have free communion crackers and boogie boards...no, no- don't stop the elevator, I'm fine.... NO. DON'T.... I learned, just now, that it doesn't matter what kind of underwear your penis breaks through cuz my penis is so big, what matters is, excuse me- trying to make a point here,  is helping people, and thats why we're not stopping, what floor now.... 11.... fuck.... my blood is starting to collect in this tiny elevator..its covering the logo on your chuck's... ok I know none of you are listening. I'll shut up, but, real quick- which one of you stabbed me?

People's Sexiest Dog Alive: Orphaned

Santa feature that should be exploited: his mexican heritage

It's A Musical - The Music Makes Me Sick

Reverse psychology works perfectly in constipation. When you can't poop, shove a ball of poop up your butt. It will remind your poop that there is light at the end of your buttel tunnel, and/or make your poop jealous. Also I feel shoving anything up your split will not only widen, but loosen. Even if you can't poop the constipooption, you can probably squeeze out the shoved up poop, so it will build up your c.o.n.f.i.d.e.n.c.e. (the f stands for functionist!).  So populace, where to find said pounds of extra poop? Just start jarring your brown town villagers in ice. But you're constipated? Well, I shouldn't tell you where to get poop. Getting poop is super sexy easy. You have a family and friends riiight? They sleep don't they? POOP COMES OUT THEIR BUTT. Just stick a grabby claw up there and yank a winner out. Poop poop poop. Also homeless shelters and toilets and Sally Field are never-dry sources of fecal functionst. Put poop up you're butt. It's energy saving. So no more constipation, and this would make a great song.

When I pee it sounds suspiciously like: Pain Song

Next 'green' fad: outlaw adult diapers

Rolo Tomassi - Hysterics

Rolo Tomassi is the reason why I became a cop. Now that that's out of the way:

There are only a handful of words/causes/loots that can shift itself into a "-nomic"... for example- people still use Reaganomics to make stupid jokes about the 80s and childhood, or how I just invented Kremlinomics . That almost sounds real. But those are 2 examples of the zero times this can makes sense. Because -nomics isn't a cute way or creative way to purvey anything. I wouldn't call my favorite half of X-files Scullynomics, cuz it lacks any warp. If anything it falls flat on its ear ass because it didn't hear what I didn't say. And I'm not saying anything. "-nomics" is a tyranny depicted in films about eating where they play the health council's lover. I'm not saying saying things like deathwatchnomics to describe how much money you're paying for grandma to die with dignity. Or John Stocktonomics to describe the finiancial impact of the first time you masturbated to a man. What I'm saying is that words are better than that. Words like ipod and quarreler, staunch words that always ask to be skins in pickup games. Alright. I'm just pissed Dinomics, my pre-historic dinosaur children's financial show didn't get picked up. We said things like "nickels can buy you only one pretzel rod, and those will snap off in most orifices... stick with sticks kids! they're free and really make your curiosity scream!". The lead character was a Dilopasaurus named Total who was good at spitting number and her best friend was a slow but loveable prehistoric sow named Nardsuckle. TV, riiiight?

They don't make reverse shoes: Abraxas

Bedroom accessory for 2009: holes!

Fennesz - Black Sea

Scene from a men's locker room.

"how come we never listen to music in the locker room?" "I dunno, I guess we don't want to set a mood, just keep things neutral" "I could go for some Allman, y'know?" "Listen, Archibald, I can see just talking about music music is getting you excited, so now I'm not one for having music now" "so I'm excited, I mean I am, but So" "Archibald I can see your dozer" "What" "Archibald, your arch is balding" "say wah" "Archibald, your teenage mom is proud" "tah wah zah?" "Archibald, your child safety law is in effect" "Sniiiiii?" "Archibald, Wringling Bros. is in the borough" "I guy fin I?" "Archibald, you're stinky rollercoaster just got repaired, you're West Wing got more Martin SHEEN, you're lollipop just got tastier, you're erect penis wants to be in my mouth, your marriage proposal is longer, your sympathetic conglomerate nature is fighting the neo-crescent light rail to the trinquisitive road scouts on the angular modernity focus. Archibald, your dick is margot kidder" "Oh... Ohh, shit... well can you get one too, I don't want to be the only one pointing to venus" "fine,  lets just touch them together" "wow, yours is heavier than mine, whats your secret?" "i hang wifebeaters off of it" "man, i could chip a tooth on that thing!" "O Ma Gahd look! Its crowning"

The second track on this album: The Colour of Three

New Ironic non-ronic things to say to make you seem funny: Reference Blue Steel from Zoolander when someone looks at you 

Eric Copeland - Alien in a Garbage Dump

The story of why I never wash my hands.

Theres this boulder, and the miners had a party after they made it into gravel. Needless to say the party was a murly affair. And there was these two twins, 4 people total- a boy and a girl twin and another boy and a girl twin set and the one twin boy was dating the one twin girl and the other twin girl just broke up with the other twin boy. Needless (needles) to say my friend, Art Chuck, fucked both those girls while the two men who looked exactly like those 2 women he was fucking watched. Art Chuck had a physical threeway while having an emotional threestare. And they were watching Scrubs in the background, so thats like a 9 way. Anyway, afterwards Art Chuck and most of the twins (the two boys and the one girl who didn't get glass in her stink) made spaghetti dreadlocks and passed them out to everyone at the party to thank them for giving them erections. But they didn't wash their hands and the dreadlocks gave everyone the 'ice tounge' and people puked a freezing puke. And thats funny... so now I don't wash my hands. Cuz that's funny. AND TWIIIINS.

Meanest Orchard has these lyrics on their bathroom's sink mirror: Everybody's Libido

The best kind of cones are: edible and fit there

The Accident That Led Me to The World - The Island Gospel

Oh you know leprechauns  are fake. There is proof doing proof in the moof on the roof. Fact: leprechauns are depicted as small irish men, while irish people drink and fuck and hit women- leprechauns are small and can't drink much and can't sustain a drunk erection (high school riiiight) and can only reach to punch a woman in the calves- THATS THE STRONGEST PART ON A WOMEN. Fact: everyone loves a nude beach. There are no leprechaun women (or they're asexual or they're iranian), so a nude beach would be non-existent for them. HOW CAN EVERYONE LOVE NON-EXISTENT NUDE BEACHES. Fact: Leprechauns wear matching green and are friends with rainbows. How can you be friends with a rainbow while only wearing one color? That's like being friends with Charlize Theron and only recognizing her range, or hanging out with a hate group but only hating peanut butter, it's like when we say 'fight for peace', its like we're saying 'scream for quiet', 'shit for constipation', 'screech for james bond', 'rape for abstinence'.  Fact: leprechauns are fake cuz leprechauns sound like a fact name. Fact: they don't make beard coats that red. Fact: cigarettes kill people. Fact: leprechauns don't exist just like phasers, the center of the universe, a good Guy Ritchie movie, childhood dreams, and really really really large popsicles. Ya.

Your process for it if it were a song: Caves

Tip for crystal makers: meth is illegal, hope is eternal

The Twilight Sad - Killed My Parents and Hit the Road

The other day I changed the lyrics from "I want your skulls" to "I need math skills" but now am struggling to apply that sentiment to a person. George W. Bush is the obvious choice, but he's out of office, so the next choice would be Barack O., and I do like making fun of people for the wrong reasons (go back to Mexico, Simon Rex!), but I also like making fun of people after they've had their limelight (go fuck a napkin, WASP). It doesn't have to be a president, it could be a grandmother, or any number of citizens of the Congo... or Chad.... Ethiopiya. Or most babies. "Add the numbers of little girls, subtract boys of their balls, division makes my brain hurt, times tables suck my balls, oh oh." Also this post was just an excuse to put band names I thought of: MC Company Car, Edgar Allan Polar Bear, Morgue Burger, Private Pie, Shark Eel O'neil, Quick Dick the Baron Buster, Ghoul Mule, Suprise! Prison!, Bright Young Brooms, Husky Butlers, Shaved Neighbor, Height School, Essential Rubber, Positive Disregard, Mighty Jolly Hog..... Ok these are all dumb because I already picked Shark Eel O'neil. Its a cop out, I whipped my cop out.

ER theme song in purgatory: The Weather is Bad

Speaking of O'neil: Ed

Skeletons - Money

You got dry skin? Well I usually steam baseballs in a contained space, but since I'm better than you try making a tiny hurricane in your tub bath. How to make a hurricane? Sacrifice a giant sea anemone  to a clam with a cleft lip remembering the Titans by quoting that movie in spanish backwards which signifies its role as a satanistic (devil dog) demon lord of tiny weather. What, you can't fake belief? Pull out your belly button cut off a twelth of a centimeter of it, swallow it hole with a glass of milk (milked from revenge) and wait for it to pass as a bowel movement. Light that b.m. on fire with a magnifying glass you stole from a detective with a compulsionary disorder. Say the prayer of 'Cagg Re De Verrtonk'  (exclusively at Sears) and the fumes should clear 80% of all thought. Never visited a dentist before? Well, if you don't open your mouth, they'll go in through your cold sore. Don't have a cold sore? Fuck one of the following: fuck a muppet, fuck a snack, fuck aspirin, fuck a white person, graduate from high school. Congratulation, you muppet fucker, you snack fucker, you assfuckpirin, you, you high school graduate. PLASTICS, BEN, PLASTICS.

Individualism is ruining haircuts for the rest of us: Ripper AKA The Pillows

Egyptian Movie Studio: Better Jobs for the Educated Studios

Bearsuit - OH:IO

Animals I'd like to have genetically altered together in order to make old people think their is the rapture and and or say 'now I've seen it all', and then kill themselves with their own shoe:

a porcupine and a panda, an eagle and a griffin (essentially a griffin with wings coming out his eyes), a giraffe and who wants to be a millionaire?, squirrels and fawns and baby bats (too cute),  a taffy-lope and kwippi-zool, manzelles and boyotes (hebras suck), shark butts on  pony faces, Michael Keaton and  the cancer virus (not Michael Keaton having cancer, but becoming cancer)(cancer is not a virus), anything animal that loves honey with algae, boars with jokerman font, gummi bears with whale pussy, sea lions and venus fly traps, Sears and Ceasar Salads, A tiger with two tigers, chinchilla's with flamingo legs, Robert Townsed and a polar bear, Judy Dench and Helen Mirren and Mermaids and Baseball and Zebras with X-Ray Spex (basically a taller Vivian Girls covering Jandek songs with actually hooks), and finally- fucks with ducks.

Pac-Man Memorial Track of the Year Contender: Keep It Together, Somehow

Dancing with the stars and a 2-liter bottle have in common: neither were in the Bible

The Sticks/ Hands on Heads split 12" release

LEAKED BAND OF HORSES TRACKZ FOR "CLOVE JAM" Ranching Spook Records -2009

1. You can go buy a garage.

2. Heard through my advantage

3. Light the Night (for Carlos F.)

4. Throat Elegance (for the reprisal Law and Order commercial on TNT)

5. The nineteenth century precinct was abuzz with hump

6. Double bitch

7. Let's name drop Ken Marino so that he won't sex our weaponry 

8. Vomit from a cloud that a mini-kangroo puked with his 2nd wish from a narcoleptic genie (for Grandma's pussy scar)

9. Turning into being what I once already was

10. Once we put hinges on it, the problem solved itself

11. Farts match the fury that our angst garners from paying the rent (instrumental)

12. Walt Disney and Calcium and the same stars

Why is the picture so small: it was funny to me (and I love these bands more than usual)

The physical form of corpulence: Larry King losing his virginity

Michelle Obama's Dress

OK- it looks like she had a heavy flow AND nipple blood. HA de HA. Another- its as if fading out of black is Hugh Jackmad's beard is her dress. Thank you for drawing attention to your breasts so that we won't make jokes about your ass. Also there's a point in the bottom red part of the dress that says, "Marshall's was out of zebra print." I'm sorry, good luck, be more sassy.

But this brings to mind the real prejudice in this country: single dads. We have never had a single parent as president. What are you afraid of, America? Its not like these kids will go on and endorse Seven Up. Its not like they're in a band. Probably. I mean, a single president would only hit on small town journalists... or something.

But y'know perspective and communal tidings. Obamalama-ding-dong.

New Go-to joke: Obama's puppy

History's Laziest War: Jeremy Piven vs common sense

Gangi - A

O you need directions? Cool. Take two lefts too many to Willankervoolt Blvd. Go into the Muslim Bakery, ask to use their back door, after they pull their pants down, ask them to take you to the actual back door, and once they take you to that door, explain to them what a door is but without using offensive words like 'our' 'God' and 'open'..... this is all code to let you know you don't know that you're white... they'll take you to the Krispy Kreme in their basement. That Krispy Kreme has an elvevator that is about 56 feet above where you're going... so yea, just vote Obama  11 times and you should be fine. Also there's a chuck wagon that takes you right there, but it doesn't exist.

Bliggity Bliggity Black Black Bliggity Bliggity Bloo (onomatopoeia for robot poo): Waiting on the Line

Vest Size that needs to be explored: third shouldered

Glen Campbell - Meet Glen Campbell

I used a wok for the first time. I made a live shrimp use it as a skateboard ramp. The skateboard was made out of a flattened nail polish remover lid. The safety equipment (ie knee pads, elbow pads,  cross necklace) was made out of the classic plastic VHS Disney casing for Little Mermaid. The X games scoarboard was made out the first tree ever planted in Montana after the settlers decided they have more vaginal parts the penial parts. The interrupting election coverage was made up of Jennifer Hudson's latest news with an American flag (which was made of ketchup on a napkin) in the foreground. The crowd contained painted fingers and painted finger people up my arm. The rain delay was made up of 13 (goose luck) shredded 50 dollar bills.  The results were: the shrimp had asthma... and I couldn't make an inhaler out of a jack hammer fast enough. Extreme sports really?

Percentage Points: He covers songs on this, he covers songs.

Reason for the 2 week lapse: 2 week lapse