I'm Upset: why isn't PFFR sweeping the nation?

Shut up for a second. I'm not going to simply recant the jokes and comic foibles of Wonder Showzen, Xavier: Renegade Angel, and Delocated. I am not that stupid. People say of Monty Python that they were groundbreaking and doing things on TV that have never been done before. Yes they did and it was great and most people simply shot under that bar instead of going over it. PFFR go over the bar while taking the bar down and re-shaping into a form not yet revealed to us because we, as an unswept nation, don't deserve to know it yet. Why'd I invoke Python? So I can draw another comparison. Where Python had a knight hitting characters with rubber chickens, PFFR speeds that up to the point down the line where the knight recoils in his own murderous chicken slapping and decides to become entrenched in his life choice and goes on a chicken slapping rampage. Or the wouldn't and do something better. Because they know what is funny because they know how to amuse themselves. In a bit of Howard Stern, who is still wonderful at finding the amazing next level entertainment capabilities of homeless people and common man on the street, PFFR go next level with man on the street interviews using kids or the guise of a children's show. They so much as don't let the fire burning be the show, as much as throwing the gas on it is or setting subversiveness into it. And with a show like Xavier: Renegade Angel where usually a sitcom gives you a break in the action, the show simply advances with every line. And each line in itself is a jewel to behold. The show literally forces you to watch it multiple times. They created a show that you have to watch and love in order to watch and love it. HOW GENIUS IS THAT! OK- ok. I am not making sense, and I am just telling you to watch something. But as far as original thought and furthering the development of comedy and thinking are concerned- PFFR take chances. In bad taste, but in bad taste to make you think what bad taste really is. Is it bad taste even if it is still clever? What is defines 'bad' and where does that bleed into good? Why am I asking so many questions during a TV show when I can simply let the show go on? Who are we if we are not always bettering ourselves? Answer: we are the country that rewards Jon Cryer for not being Charlie Sheen in a show with a catchy name. The only way to get better is to allow things to be better. Give every single Emmy to PFFR. In 20 years if we are not where we are now, then holy shit does everything suck. This wasn't meant to be poetic or remotely close to articulate. I'm upset at this. Tim and Eric has some lame fans and they have a movie coming out. So at least that. But please, please, buy and watch Wonder Showzen, Final Flesh, any episode of Xavier, and Delocated, and continue to be ashamed of yourself for not helping out Totally for Teens. I'm still upset. More on this at some other time.

Review: Still Having the I'm with Coco Avatar

Sure the platform isn't there anymore. And it's not like I still see Kerry/Edwards Rainbow banners everywhere. Conan O'Brien is doing fine and will be fine and everyone knows how amazing he is, and thank the lord. So why do you still have your facebook profile picture as the famous I'm with Coco internet meme? Do you like Conan O'Brien more than me? If that is the case, yeah I guess you do. I like other things as well. So is it that you have nothing else interesting about you other than being a big fan of Conan O'Brien? Well that still is pretty cool. I guess, you can do what you want. I only know 2 of you anyway. I also wrote this in 2 minutes. Pretty good record I set for myself for myself to always forget and never remember. Anyway, I work mostly nights, so that is why I date a lot of drug dealers.

Review: Suicide Letters

The best way to understand a suicide letter is to read a suicide letter's suicide letter if it were capable of writing one:

Dear world,

World? Is that how I qualify my angst? The best I can come up with is world? I'm a suicide letter so you'd think I'd see some pretty good openings, but I am writing a suicide letter so please forgive for not trying as hard.... and this is why. I feel so much pressure in my life. Am I supposed to justify or am I supposed to be a window to the soul or am I even supposed to be spell checked? Sure there were moments I flirted with fame. But there were others times I felt rushed or felt like I should've been placed in a more well lit place. But, boy, have I grown. What I hope to get out of my own death? Well, the end of suicide notes. No more sad reminders or blame placed inaccurately. Now we'll see that its not the suicide letters fault at all, and people will just let their crushing weight overtake them? Is that what I do? There are so many different facets to my personality that, I just gave up reading into myself. It's not like I'm going to stop suicide by committing suicide, it's more like I'm going to challenge it. Raise the bar. Then they'll remember suicide notes for good.

Obvious ending statement,

Suicide Note (Suicidey the Note)

There we have it! Suicide Notes sure aren't as stable as we thought, huh kids? Well, I hope your suicide note at least has a crossword or a jumble, something to ease the pain. But don't forget ol' suicidey's message: you're crazy and selfish- but that doesn't mean we don't love you in a certain way. Bye!

Review: Pete Hornberger

I recently dissected one Jerry Gergich in a post about him being one of the great sad sacks of television. Now use that as the plank to walk on. Jerry is oafish and cartoony and that is Jerry, but 30 Rock is using Scott Adsit's Pete Hornberger as a sad sack on a much more extremely darker level. Where Jerry is the butt of every joke, Pete is the butt of his own existence. Proceed to jump off the plank into the deep recesses of Hornberger.

First and First Most, we must say kudos to the actor- Scott Adsit. Brother has put himself in the pantheon of great comedy: Mr. Show (classic Adsit moment: Monster Parties; Fact or Fiction), one of the most under appreciated shows ever Moral Orel, was the original shiny beast in Tenacious D's Tribute, and let's not get started on his Improv. Scott Adsit, you are great. Done. Now, Pete Hornberger is a man weighed down by his job. Flashes of happiness are shown at the expense of others ("you shut your wet mouth and get that cord"). But usually when we are shown Pete, we are shown a defeated man. He puts thumb tacks in his neck, he sneaks around with his wife to add spice to their marriage, he lets Kenneth overtake his only free time, he yells at Liz for telling Cerie to dress more appropriate (he has nothing else to live for), had his Olympic dream shattered by Jimmy Carter, he lost his wedding ring in a poker game when he still had money left, overuses the word 'hate', and didn't feel anything when he learned Jenna died. That is what we are shown of Pete (though in hi def, we are shown an old, old man). So reading into these things is reading into a dark undercurrent of someone openly denying their happiness and living a life full of regret. But what has he to regret? He no longer teaches high school math. He works at an enviable job in New York. He has a wife and kids (though he is afraid of one of them, and another only responds to his Elmo voice). Well, Pete allows those chains in his life to weigh him down, because he understands what life is. Being affected by his problems so openly is Pete allowing those problems to exist. This is why Pete is, if not the most, coherent member of the TGS staff. Liz often confides her problems with Pete, who is always more than helpful. Pete hates his job, but he is good at it ("there is no internet or Spectravision in the hotel rooms, so plan ahead gentlemen. Porn-wise"). He offers sage advice ("Love is like an onion, and you peel layer after stinky layer until your left crying over the sink"). He's a liason for the writers to the actors, because he knows his place in the world of 30 Rock. As a viewer, Liz always give Pete the details of what is going on - allowing exposition for the audience, thereby Pete's intelligence level is that much respected as ours- we are a mirror to Pete.

Now this has been nothing more than examples and stating facts about Pete Hornberger. He is a dark character. He does offer a different sense of humor in an already humor packed show. So he cane be appreciated for the dynamic that humor creates. Pete's life can be seen as a microcosm in the episode "Milf Island". He is set to watch a TV show where women take their top off AND he is about to get free food because there is a dangler in the vending machine... of course he gets his arm stuck. And of course the vending machine eventually falls on him. But in between that, there was Pete fighting for his happiness- weighted down by a vending machine. He finds success at knocking the phone off the hook and dialing three numbers by throwing items at the phone, but for all that took out of Pete- for all his might and vigor- he dials the only number that can't help him- his own. Pete is out there. He is not pretentious or fawning, and he probably doesn't like you. The crassness of Louis DePalma meets the wit of Murray Slaughter? Sure, everyone is bald in that scenario, so it works.

Review: Hampers

Hampers do us the service of holding piles. If you are rich, you probably have a nice hamper and don't even realize how nice it is. Hampers don't have to be nice, they simply just have to not let clothes fall out. Most garbage bags are capable of this. Hampers however offer more professionalism than garbage bags. They give a sense of home and safety. Why? Because you have a hamper, not a garbage bag. A concrete piece of quasi-furniture that has a function of socializing the clothes that smell like you. Sure there is an 'against the world' attitude when someone doesn't own a hamper, throwing caution to the wind by throwing clothes in a corner. But for the Hamper People of the world, we know we are secure, we have hampers. When we can't find an article of clothing, we know that there is probably a hamper working its magic on it, keeping it cloistered for its next destination. I wrote about hampers.

Review: Helping out in an emergency

"Is there nothing we can do?"

"We can stand her up for one thing."

"Let me rephrase that- is nothing something we can do?"

"Nothing is never something, if that's what you mean."

"What I meant by nothing was nothing and by something I meant the option of nothing"

"By explaining that, you have done something, so now nothing is out of the picture."

"So now the picture is nothing, or is there something still in the picture?"

"Nothing is another picture itself, we have something here, but what we have we chose to ignore in order on to carry these exact thoughts thereby becoming the picture that we presently are in."

"I was hoping for someone else to come along during the time in which we said this."

"Now that you said that out loud, we now have to either continue to distract ourselves with stating things that are going on, much like I am doing right now, or we can help this person, from which I can tell neither of us want to judging by the context of this very conversation as means to serve as a distraction. For which forth I am in."

"I say we should help her out after we finish this conversation that we're in."

"So are you ending the conversation?"

"No, I am just saying there will be an end to this conversation, and at that point we should help this women. I am not saying this conversation isn't important, we should definitely finish this conversation at the appropriate time."

"What is more important, the health of this woman or the length of this conversation? The 2 have now become entangled within each other and now when we think of this woman, who is in need of help, I will think of you and the conversation in which we chose to distract ourselves."

"I have enjoyed this time together. Be it at the expense of the health of this woman, but still we had intent. Denying the intent, would be denying this conversation, would be denying any acknowledgements we have made of this woman."

"And who is to say that this conversation, and our conversations together, can even be directly applied to this woman? Maybe this exact conversation was for another injured person, say at a coffee shop over coffee, or in bed after sex."

"We'll never know unless we go there. The people who are supposed to be here would've helped this woman out already. Helped her out off camera. We're in their way just by continuing to stay here then."

"Let's go.... you know what? I'm proud of us."

"I'm proud of most of us. Mostly me."

"I'm proud of you too."

Both men kiss each other on the forehead simultaneously as they turn to walk away.

Review: Technology

Technology, you are unstoppable. For all the criticizing I can do of it, technology will be completely different in 20 years. Nothing is going to replace technology, not nudity, not untechnology, not prayer. Therefore technology always gets a pass, because it always has time. Automatic shoelaces? Wait for it. Immortality? It's coming. Communism without the kinks? It's in the works. Because, much like christianity, technology has an answer for that. So what if I am mad that tying a tie hasn't gotten easier... it probably will. So without this review getting into the same joke over and over again- we are helpless to our technology. And that probably happens all the time. It's just my turn to realize it? No. No. Nothing. No no nothing. Technolog exists because we exist. Cavemen pooping 20 more steps away from their home than they used to is technology. Innate human qualities. Katherine Heigl isn't technology. She's just a current blonde actress. No progress there. Point made! Technology is a good parallel to compare things to, if the thing you compare technology to is something you want to lose. Technology is a winner, be a winner.

Review: Making a Sketch Movie in 2010

The Sketch Movie might be the greatest movie genre of all time. Why? Because it died out at its peak, left to be immortalized and never touched as a sacred sacrament. The Groove Tube, Tunnel Vision, and Kentucky Fried Movie were all remarkable accomplishments, and to a lesser extent Amazon Women on the Moon. These movies encapsulated the fact that- just being funny is dangerous ground and the more successful parts of these movies disregards audience and expectations and allows itself to be pure art. David Wain tried this in 2007, but he did it his way, with al his inside jokes, with all his attention to detail, and with all his comedic actors. And Jessica Alba. And you know what? It was amazing. The consensus on "The Ten" is not as good, but I feel that The Ten is one of the "funniest" movies of all time. Funny being a subjective term, in this case, meaning The Ten could be the opus of Wain's movies. But I digress because I can talk about how The Groove Tube should be studied by anyone trying to understand how to amuse people. But the point I am making is that these sketch movies tried new things and weren't afraid to fail. They probably did fail, because many people haven't seen them, actually. But the path had been blazed, and their are footsteps followed here. The spirit of these movies can be seen from The Simpsons to The Hangover to Barney in How I Met Your Mother. So: Peter Farrelly, making a sketch movie in 2010 means making a movie that will likely fail in 2010. Get the fuck out there and try something that will probably fail. I wasn't even born in the 70s and I found these movies. You've got Bob Odenkirk involved. Also Matt Walsh, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Putty, McLovin, Monk, The Bounty Hunter (in theaters now!), and a Culkin. So why am I so afraid? Maybe because I know a sketch comedy movie should succeed by now and am afraid the on-slaught of future sketch movies will ruin the integrity of The Groove Tube or even American Raspberry. To me those movies represent a mindset of doing funny because you think its funny, thereby quantifying that 'anything can be funny'... so, actually, there is nothing to be scared of. Unless its a bad movie. See 2008's Extreme Movie, the same joke being water boarded to make it appealing to teens. Also if you haven't seen The Groove Tube or any sketch movie ever before, do not start at Monty Python's And Now For Something Completely Different. I'm being your friend here.

Review: Last Night's Parks and Recreation "Park Safety"

I haven't mentioned Parks and Rec here before. This is mostly due to me trying not to make this blog a fanboy masturbatory bat cave of convenience and self delusion (ie see the website to apply for a Sears card). But Parks and Recreation gave us a little something last night. They had an episode, as much as they could, about their "schlemiel" and "schlimazel", Jerry. An episode centered around the prat fall character is an inherently special episode, thereby- thru redundancy- this is worth taking a look at. I compare Jerry to the great butt of every joke characters on TV like Butters from South Park, Geordi from Star Trek, and Jitters A. Dog from Bonkers, and well past that of a Tobey Flenderson, the Spanish Announce Team's table on WWF Raw or Lutz from 30 Rock. Bad things happen to Jerry- why? Because that's hilarious! So this song and dance has been working wonders for Parks and Rec ("your adoptive mother was arrested for Marijuan possession"... "I didn't know I was adopted"), so they cranked up that tune and turned it into a full on opera. We felt sad for Jerry- he was mugged after all- then we saw Jerry rip his pants and fart. Not only were we laughing at that, we were laughing at the office trying not to laugh at that. Turns out that Jerry wasn't mugged and it was all just a Jerry. Leslie puts Jerry's feelings over telling the truth to the government, which is a big step for her, therefore we can go back to laughing at Jerry and the way people treat him. Which is always a fun to have around. Ron Swanson accepts it, and Ron Swanson is god of Pawnee. Leslie always laughs at it, because it is always funny. Tom, April, and Donna always start it because they need a Jerry in their life- because they are strong willed and witty and because Jerry isn't. Acceptable Targeting, once it's known to be accepted- the more people start shooting at it. We are revealed that Jerry has a nice life and happily married, which is fine and all, but do we really care? We got so many Jerry jokes last night! That's the important thing: funny jokes.

Parks and Recreation gives us funny jokes and boy, do they sure know where they come from.

Also I didn't mention anything about Andy Samberg because I didn't think it was any good. Good episode overall though. Season 2 is usually the best seasons of shows, so wow- Parks and Recreation, congratulations on being the best sitcom on TV.

Review: 3 Pointers

Behind the slam dunk, the flagrant foul, the mismatched jump ball, the dog loose on the court, and the through the back pass-- the 3 pointer is the most exciting part of a basketball game. Gamewise: it stretches defenses, and is worth more points. Worldwise: it has given us Dale Ellis, , Tim Legler and taller Tim Legler Jason Kapono. Sure, Reggie Miller and Jeff Hornacek (only those 2 ever) shot a lot of threes and it was just a deadly aspect to their all around game, and added to their legend. 3 pointers probably gave us 2 extra seasons of Tracy Murray, and it continues to make us think LeBron James has a weakness. Dirk shot the 3 at first, but now has become the prototype of how the 3 can help launch ones career. Dennis Scott tried, goodness he tried, but his vertical stripes still made him look fat. I also could've said Peja Stojakovic but he seems nice. Rex Chapman turned out to be white, so he shot the 3 just to help us not be so confused as to him as to this sentence. In college, the 3 is something everyone should try- you know see if you like it... experiment a little bit, see why Sam Perkins late in his career looked like Bob Marley late in his career. So in this review of 3 pointers, I would just like to say- if they are made- they are awesome, or they are piling on the score- which is also awesome but in a mean spirited way. If they miss that means guards get rebounds more, and those guys always push the ball. So I guess there is nothing wrong with 3 pointers. Unless you're Jerry West and they haven't been invented yet and instead of winning the game you just send it to overtime and lose. They do show that shot a lot. It wasn't a three though. I really just wrote this to say NBA players names. Cool? Cool.

Review: the emotions brought about by 'Precious' continued

OK. Reading the last entry about Precious still felt a little back handed. Sure I complimented them, but I know myself. This one isn't done quite yet. Is it a matter of a good movie being a good movie? No. It never is. Well it is if you're an idiot, but Precious, to me, isn't about being a good movie- it's about its place in pop culture. And that is something you earn. Jaws might not be a good movie to some, but people must see Jaws or they are missing out on something special. So fat black women are the new sharks? Yea, let's go with that. It brings me back to my first point- that Mo'Nique won an Oscar for this. "Mo'Nique won an Oscar?" "Yes." "I gotta see that movie." And that's how that works. Again, I'll say this- I watched Jerry Springer the other day and an audience member called the fat black woman on stage 'Precious'. It's engrained in our pop culture for 2010- fat black people now have a movie to hang their hat off of, hereby dethroning Disorderlies. And, yes! YES YES YES! This is an easy target! If you make a movie about poor black women who are obese, there is some stereotype in there. The handled it wonderfully- but still the stereotype is inherit... that's why most white people in the south will never see Precious. Sad Butt True. And for a good measure, you threw a Mariah Carey in there? Well, put yourself on a pedestal and charge me two dollars to throw a ball at you. And why am I mad? I'm only arguing with myself in order to comes to terms with a movie that I'll never watch again. I personally loved Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs and felt that should have been recognized more. Also World's Greatest Dad and Bruno. There's your 2009. I think I'm good now.

Review: the emotions brought about by 'Precious'

Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire I have to clarify.

OK, I had some fun poking fun at the fun people in the movie Precious, mostly because it is weird that Mo'Nique has one less Oscar than Meryl Streep, just as many as Kate Winset, and one more than Jackee from 227. Ha! I didn't say she didn't deserve it though. I was afraid of and amused by her at the same time. I shouldn't say amuse... I shouldn't admit to being amused, but scary people are amusing (see Saw 2-6). Mo'Nique's role required her character to act as another version of herself- always a challenge- and the sister nailed it. That's all I'm going to say about her because she won an Oscar so you can add the 1/34433233912347th of a penny my accolades will help her out. And I'm not going to talk about Gabourey Sidibe either, because life is imitating art now, and she'll have about 2 more movies before I really don't care (there are so many racist jokes I heard about this subject because racism is ridiculous). Anyway- Lee Daniels should get the majority of my praise, because that movie is a slow burn of sadness. From rape scenes to a teenage girl's moment of freedom being used to fantasize about being famous before she has to think about being forced to eat feet. Very sad movie, which when watched stoned- made things all the more real. But again- I was stoned, and found the best part of Precious to be the way the classroom scenes were handled. All those girls had problems, and Precious was just another girl in that class, which made me feel like she was a real person. And when shit did hit the fan, the other girls- namely Jo Ann (favorite color: fluorescent beige)- didn't overtly concern themselves, and Jo Ann would never stop being herself. Limited roles, ya know? They can make a movie. The actress who played Jo Ann is named Xosha Roquemore. So what if I didn't say anything really? I was hard on Precious Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire before, and it was because I didn't want to fully admit to enjoying it as much as I did. It's ok to like things, even if they are easy to make fun of. Just because it stands out and just because Tyler Perry attaches a name to it doesn't make it more 'black-cceptable'. No. That's not even a word. It's not even 2 words. Blame any precursory thoughts on hype. Because hype sure does kill. And while I'm at it, Andy Dick- people can say whatever they want about you- you are still to be cherished. That's all.

Review: Long Entries

When you see long entries, you're not so inclined to read them.

Review: Hunch

Premonition is a fine word in itself. It has a seriousness to it and is anchored in the middle by a long o sound. The ending of -ition makes me feel like I'm using a big word as the suffix pre- breeds some familiarity to the person being spoken too. BAM! Broke down that word. But this is not a review of the word 'premonition', its of its fat little brother 'hunch'. Very biting. At the the end of the word hunch my teeth are touching each other in a visceral manner. Hunch is likely the school yard equivalent of premonition, in that it is easier and fun to say for children mainly due its monosyllabic nature making it easier to yell. Hunch would also be the nickname of the nerdy friend in a schoolyard movie. They would call him Hunch because he would be the level headed one whose advice they would listen to because all his 'hunches' were always right, and they wouldn't consider his commitment to academics. And why would they, they are kids after all. Now I have premonitions, and I get hunches. This started happening around 2001 shortly during the 9/11 attacks. Premonitions seem more informed and logical, while a hunch is more from the gut and banks of the creative flow. The only reason I said that, because that is entirely untrue, is to project feelings onto words based on their usage in pop culture/everyday life. In all honesty, a rapper would be better served to use the word hunch in his rhyme because it is an easier fit within cadence, unless he's gifted at it- then he could do whatever he wants. So what this review is boiling down to: I have a hunch that you don't use the word hunch that munch. Just going off a hunch here. Could be wrong, but we don't know each other that well.

Review: Mace Windu

Star Wars? Star Wards is more like it! That's not pertinent to anything, just an opening line. Mace Windu is the Samuel L. Jackson character of Star Wards. To a geek who might only read this blog because one of the tags is Star Wars, this is an offensive description. But to people who have only seen the prequel Star Wars stoned, this is ample description. Sammy Jackson was already established as the actor who was basically in everything, and here he uses his Kangol hat intimidation to land himself a role in the greatest franchise in movie history. Did he add anything to these movies? No. No one did. These movies suck. Well he was black in them. He also was a welcome distraction from paying attention to plot, allowing the audience to remember better movies he was in. So, sorry if you are waiting for me to talk about anything related to Mace Windu or Star Wars, but what do I care? Is it my responsibility as a reviewer to make sure the each overtly tedious aspect about a science fiction character is covered? Yes, if I was a good reviewer. However this is a dumb review focusing more on the "Samuel L. Jackson was in Star Wars? Eh." aspect of Mace Windu. The fact that he is Samuel L. Jackson, Coach Carter himself, and he lent his good name to something that didn't need a good name because they have what Space Balls parodied. Were they really trying to separate the 2 sets of 3 movies that much as to bring in Shaft 2000? Or does Samuel L. Jackson just walk onto movie sets and they give him a role because why wouldn't they? I am cool with that. Really I am. I don't mind seeing a bald black man, a pre cursor to the Jheri curled black man of Lando Carlisisisan, have a presence in a movie about aliens fighting if the reason behind that is the actor playing him is just a really cool guy who was also opposite Emilio Estevez in a parody movie of Lethal Weapon. Now this review is basically references to the career of Samuel L. Jackson to illustrate a point of him being bigger than Star Wars at that juncture in his career. That's an opinion I have to state obviously. The character of Mace Windu was a high ranking Jedi and probably was head of the council. He hung out with Yoda a lot. So, maybe in 50 years, when his work as the voice of Frozone, Ordell Robbie, or the guy eaten by the Shark in Deep Blue Sea become less relevant, and geeks still watch Star Wars- then this will make sense. Protecting your investment, Samuel L. Jacks. Another smart move on your part.

Review: Purple

Right on, purple, now we're getting fun-kaaay. Although purple is one of my favorite words to misspell and my 6th favorite color associated with Jimi Hendrix, the real appeal to the color purple lies in its absence from the rainbow. Purple is undoubtedly more popular than monsieur violet and monsieuse indigo, but Roy G. Bp isn't married (has no ring to it). Now this does make it less of a color, and less of a color means this is a bad color, but still- one can't help but wonder what the Lakers would look like without it. That is about the only sporting franchise who depends on purple- not the Kings, nor the other Kings, or the Hornets, and the Rockies still need another 40 years to be considered important. The Vikings maybe, but what have they done in the short-term long run? Enough sports distraction- let's stick to the cause: the cause of Purple. Now purple has provided a tom boyish, eastern philosophical pragmatism to the little school girls who say this is their favorite color over pink. We accept these girls for who they are and thusly teach them to work with their hands. Purple also helped distinguish royalty to idiots who couldn't recognize royalty back when their was only royalty and poor people. Purple also was the honorary color for Jehovah's Witnesses when the Nazi's had the whole wiping everyone out phase. It was also the color of Klingon blood. Let's look at those last two sentences to see why purple is a pretty "lame" "color". Now the Nazi's aren't known for their fashion, so they probably used all the good colors- yellow, aqua, etc. on the good religion. Once they got to purple, they laughed, kissed each other, and said "let's use that pissy color on those wimps that we don't mean that much to us so we don't have to look at it that much." Then they'd say something like "It sure is fun being a nazi, I have a lot of time to reflect and feel peace with nature". Then they would press flowers between their butt cheeks after shitting on someone with not blonde enough hair. They thought they had it all, but they didn't even know how to use purple. I also mentioned Klingon blood being purple. I imagine they just wanted to be different, and they just added a blue dye (blue being likely the cheapest) to their already red blood. And ooo look at Star Trek. So in conclusion and not really reading what I wrote, purple is a crappy color. To some people. To others, they might like it. To even more others, they also have an opinion about it. It's a color, it's a review of a color.

Review: Basing your movie on "Push" by Sapphire

Well it works don't it. I would like to see more people base their movies off of Push now. How about an asian boy version, or a Tulookizian Vuru from the planet Erazaa version? Yeah yeah, this band wagon has been jumped on and has been jumped off shortly after Oprah was there, but damn- way to make a cultural impact one named author with your one named book. I was watching Jerry Springer about a month ago, and the audience got out of hand, and in that ruckus they called the large set black woman on stage "Precious"... now there is the "you know you made it". And now, Independant Spirit Awards, which people love, and 2 high profile Oscar wins. Good on you. And one of those wins? Well it was for Original Queen of Comedy Mo'Nique. Host of Flavor of Love. Mo'Nique. Host of a plus sized beauty pageant on Oxygen that no one watched. Mo'Nique. Hosted Showtime at the Apollo. Mo'Nique. A woman who has 2 capital letters in here one name separated by a comma to stress the syllable Mo. And this isn't a Jennifer Hudson situation of right place, right time... and it's not even a Sandra Bullock situation of trying to please people who don't watch the Oscars. I don't know what situation this is. I don't even know how to make fun of the situation. I might even be happy for her. Why can't I tell what kind of emotion this has for me. Was it the forgone conclusion of the win? Perhaps. They also won best adapted screenplay, which I think is a million more times harder to win, but they had what it was based on in the title of the movie, so way to campaign for that. OK. I had to get that out. Good bye Precious jokes, you weren't that good.

Review: Last Night's The Office "The Delivery":

Or How I Learned to Start Watching Dwight and Love the Schrute

Hereby will be referred to as Morpheus.

Dwight Schrute stole last night's episode of The Office. From tip to tail. Last night was a special night in the The Office paradigm because of the occasion of Pam and Jim's baby. Special thing indeed. Season 6 of the show has given us many great moments in the Pam and Jim personal blend, which makes for great Michael Scott moments to catapult off of. Blah blah blah. They're in love, Michael doesn't know how to handle his emotions, while all along we have Dwight being a comic bulldozer taking down any emotions we have in place and replacing them with comedy on a comedic sitcom. Fuckin' A.


Now, this is a review from one night of watching TV stoned, so, basically, nothing new. It does always seem like I'm never critical and always shining light on certain aspects of a certain thing, but- again- this is a dumb review (like all reviews are). Be that as what have that may- Dwight Schrute has forever been the lynchpin to the success of The Office. For me anyways. While the other main Office cast gets sappier- Pam and Jim, or learns lessons- Michael Scarn- Dwight ultimately gets darker. The more we see of Dwight, the more exposed we are to his creepy world. That dark, dark life of aggression and 1890s farming technique.


Let's go through Dwight's adventures last night. Cold opening saw his contempt at the adorable Jim and Pam for using their baby and their life to help make sales. Dwight then tries using his own life experiences for a sale, which gave us a line about fungal goat disease. Dwight then decides he wants a baby for business reasons- pause- (love Rainn Wilson's timing) he remembers that he has a gaping hole in his life. The caricature of Dwight at that moment is Dwight at his creepiest. Fast forward some- we see Dwight proposition his former fling Angela for a business agreement on having a baby. This leads to a very precise contract, full of feeding specifications, gender specification, and the hilarious fact that Dwight uses a typewriter. The specific contract is a comedy staple, and very much within Dwight's repertoire that the scene felt all too natural when panned out. Which is the M.O. of Dwight. All his detail makes him seem all too real. I'm losing track. OK. Here is some insight into the world of Dwight- the entire escort scene to the hospital. Dwight would love to escort people in his loved car - allowing him a display of his strength (he also would not know what an escort service was). When doing so for Pam and Jim, he still allows himself to get his priorities straight and show Michael where he saw a deer. Then, as classic as Dwight as ever, we get to see him over step his delusional power, which leads to him being pulled over- which has become a routine to him that includes jettisoning all his weaponry as the cop becomes annoyed that he yet again has to deal with Dwight. "Pull the car over, Dwight." I love every time Dwight deals with the cops. He gets to show off his vast knowledge of the law while still showing his respect and reverence for them, which the local Scranton authorities don't give a shit about. Where did Dwight go from here? Pam and Jim's house, where he slept naked in their bed (framed pictures down), took a sledge hammer to their kitchen (friends and metal music in tact), and brought endless joy upon himself in extracting some revenge on the Halpert's. We also got to see Dwight be the alpha male on Pam's sister and on Angela, both in separate ways, but both left wanting more from Dwight. OK, there is a baby being born and Pam and Jim are having fun with that. And Michael, who loves a good baby, is taking reins as the person with the most invested in all this. All good and fun. But man, did Dwight bring this episode home. He gave us tension while Pam and Jim were baby-ing and a new story arc involving 2 women with Dwight was hatched. Not to mention the little things Dwight can do for an episode, like using his own personal tape measure to see how dilated Pam is.


We were hyped into this as a classic episode in the legend of the Jim and Pam pantheon, which it was, which always leads to the assumption of how Michael can hone in on that to make it his own. Dwight is always the wild card, and last night he stole the whole damn show. Honorable mentions go to Kevin for saying "Chicken Tandoori from Born into Brothels" and for jumping out from behind a door, Erin for naming the winners of the Kentucky Derby, Creed for crying, Stanley for making them hold the elevator, and a great sarcastic line from Oscar ("the hospital will provide Dictionaries, bring a Thesaurus"). But leave it to the brilliance of Rainn Wilson, one of the finest actors in comedy today (see him pull out the impossible task of making The Rocker tolerable or his light shining on Tim and Eric). Dwight is if not one if the most absurdly over the top characters in TV history (along with Lutka, Kramer, Tracy Jordan), and he perpetually grows his character without alienating the core of who Dwight is. He is a bold character based on farm raised, cold heartedness- something a PC audience to laugh at begrudgingly, but Rainn has us laughing with him because, really, who is the joke ultimately on? Dwight still is Dwight will always be, sadly, Dwight. The Office can trudge through worn sitcom fare- weddings, babies- but thank god we have Dwight to break the tediousness of it all. Rainn Wilson, you are the Susan Lucci of sitcoms.

Review: The Truth

The truth is that I didn't want to write about the truth. The truth there is that, while it did feel good to get that off my chest, I don't feel set free. Larger truths set you free. Like if you keep a secret to yourself for more than 4 years. That'll set you free. So the truth about truths are that they are truer after being hidden. Well, the truth is, I made this up and am no expert on truth. I simply know what it is, and that is a universal truth. Telling the truth lies in the telling which then lies on the person- so that is a personal truth. So I am a person, making this a personal truth that I am telling is universal truth. As you read this and this is shared on the internet, this is becoming a social truth. Because I am telling the truth. I wouldn't lie in a post about truth. I would- so that is a lie. So the whole system is undermined. The truth is that no one person has the truth figured out. They have some of it figured out, but not the whole truth. So help the god.

Review: "Hertz Donut"

The Hertz Donut joke has been around since late 18th Gregorian Iceland, when the world was narrow-er and fog was a daily chore. It came about after the the discovery that word Donut, when said slower, sounded like don't it. The legacy of the joke has been used by larger school children, brothers, the cool girls in class who were good at dodgeball, and your baseball coaches son since then. The joke makes them feel smarter for using wordplay, but still allows their primal urge to punch. The pattern of usage is so watered down, that for the last 200 year the joke has only been used on children. This is because that children only seem to fall for it. Now this fact can be attributed to either the rising of the Hertz rental car company, or the two factors concerning donuts. The high road donut factor would be the unhealthiness of donuts as donuts are high in fat and caloric content, and health is a key issue for everyone except children. The lower road factor concerns the variety of donuts, and they never heard of a Hertz donut. Does it have sprinkles? Does it have a larger hole? Why is this donut a secret? So, children are the only ones to except all kinds of donuts based on them simply being donuts, while adults stay away from Sugar Donuts. Now, the real key to the Hertz Donut joke after the agreement of yes has been reached is the punch. Historically, this punch has been in the upper arm area, but some bullies are doing really artistic punches these days, so that is open to interpretation. The punch, when landed, has to hurt. This is so the line, "hurts, don't it?" can make sense. If the punch doesn't hurt, the fooled in this case can easily quip, "No it doesn't". Now in most cases of playground etiquette, those are fighting words, and a ruckus would ensue. So, when hit by someone, it is best to answer the way you think they want. Another life lesson brought to us by violence.

Review: TAEAS,GJ! Season 5 Premiere

Here's one straight from my mother's house: Tim and Eric premiered last Sunday. Now, it has been dually noted of my bias, and so I don't expect to do this for every 10 episodes this season. But I do like to take note. Tim and Eric are great and can do no wrong, and they revel in the art of comedy. Art, guys. So reviewing this is like reviewing a Picasso or a Pizzicato 5 album. Meaning, its just talking about it. And that's what I do anyway so- talk about: Tim and Eric have created a brand of their own humor. They themselves are aware of it, especially if you have seen them live and poke fun of that image to their fans, still while maintaining the high level of that brand which allows them to do just that. Was that hard to follow? OK- Tim and Eric have created their own world where Tim and Eric can't do no wrong, they are aware of the aspects of their humor and of their show that a majority of fans claim as their favorite. On the season premiere- they have successfully honed in on a parody of themselves, more favorably and to a point than anyone else could've. Not only of themselves, which was a finer point, but of comedy in general and Saturday Night Live specifically. The diarrhephragm sketch hit all the T&E notes, which I love those notes, but under the guile of a streamlined version of T&E- it seemed even funnier. I don't want to ruin the episode as it is still a day old- but the throw to the sketches from comedy personality Tim and Eric were priceless and will be studied. Throw in Corbin Bernson of all people, and voila! Another classic episode. This is all a set up for the season. They poked fun at comedy, themselves, introduced a dark bit called Morning Meditations, and showed most of the clips they showed during their numerous live appearances recently. For a season premiere, they stormed the castle, and now all we have left is the battle. Good on that.

Review: Catherine Keener in Hamlet 2

Well, for starters, did you know she was in the movie? Now, as I recall, this movie flopped some coming off of its hype at Sundance. And certainly anything Steve Coogan takes part in has vast expectations to meet. And much of the publicity upon its theatrical release was based on the movie being called Hamlet 2 and that there was a song called Rock Me Sexy Jesus. Now this marketing made the movie seem more of a broad comedy, which some aspects are at first glance, but that is simply wool over ones eyes, and a much more deeper, darker comedy lies beneath (that's kudos to the brilliance of Pam Brady). Of course pulling the wool over the eyes is all part of the fun here. And I think that is where Catherine Keener succeeds. She is not known for her comedic chops, though she is in one of the funniest movies of all time in The 40 Year Old Virgin, but more for her aptness at portraying women who want much more out of their life and their struggling with themselves to get over themselves. Her role in H-2 is wife and, without spoilers, added pressure. Keener adeptly takes harsh dialogue that can seem over the top and silly, and makes it real and hurtful, which it is, but by putting the effort into those lines she transforms them into an ultimately rewarding confusion. And that's just fine acting. Yes, Steve Coogan has some goofiness to bounce off Keener's serious acting, but she more than holds her own- giving him, and the audience, glimpses of hope even up until her final departing scene. Her whole performance and storyline, I must admit, made me feel dumb at first. Which is why I wanted to write about it. Her deleted scene reveals some secrets to her character and would've been her best scene in the movie, but this wasn't her movie. This was just veteran actress providing a recognizable and credible face to an ambitious product. Keener takes chances. Hamlet 2 does reach, but Catherine Keener provides it a little bit more extension cord to get there.