Dear Uncle Urkel,
Thats not your real name, nor are you any relation to me. It was more of a way to impress you through the rhythm of the words (is a dancer of the words). Have you lost weight? I'm not saying this cuz you are fat, I am saying this cuz you are less fat. I know no one asks you this often because no one wants to be rude to you, but I just want you to know- you look great (well, slightly greater (greater is an ironic word here because you are actually LESS GREATER in mass).). Anyway- I think I can help answer my question for you to me, with another question. What is weight? I haven't weighed myself since high school, and if someone would ask me I would just say numbers until they were satisfied. 4. 2. Another 2 perhaps. 7 is always good. The point is I am really skinny and people notice that and it doesn't bother me. Weight is just a "thing" people use to "make" "snap" "decisions" about whether or not they would "want to be friends". And that shouldn't bother you because it is just a number, and numbers are math and math is no fun for anyone (except, you know, well off people). I know you agree with that because I remember you failing out of high school. And thats you, and you should be you, because you get high all the time and have all those tiny animal skulls and your dick whistles when you pee and I once saw you get out of the bumper cars with the steering wheel stuck in your gut. Someone thinks these things are awesome. Probably. And! And! I wrote you a letter, which, honestly, should mean the world to you. And I didn't do it because Roland Mardwer said he'd give me 30 dollars to write you a letter on the back of your recently deceased parent's will which we stole from you cuz you are too fat to check loud noises in your house. That's sick. In a funny way. But it is sick, and this isn't written in your teenage sister's period blood.
Thanks for (I can't believe you actually) checking your mail,
Grant Hill, Fila representative (you wish cuz you still where those shoes)
The only reason I chose this, cuz they have a song named: Goat Pussy
Burlap for Blindfolds: give your kidnappees scratched corneas
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