Fat Day - Iguanadonaland

"you got that sun block?" quipped the anamorphic hose nozzle, as she prepared the noose- doubling the loop. "no use in leaving an ugly corpse." A confusing statement coming from a suicidal nozzle, but that confusion lies why no one understood the hose nozzle, and why she is presently tying another hose into a noose (this hose is a regular hose, no life qualities to it (unless you count being wet)). The anamorphic garden hose led a quiet life. Spray, spray wider, stream spray.... all were quiet. She tryed the dating scene only to find a couple lesbians use her as a funnel to pee standing up. She barely talked, because people were not nearly as accepting of a talking hose nozzle. It could be her own fault, as she always asked for rides or "can you carry me over there?"s. But when people did accept her, they still couldn't get past the fact they were with a hose nozzle. She'd get questions: "do you eat?" or "whats the best control setting for my organic garden?" or "why are all these rieses monkeys following you?". The life of a hose nozzle is best left for a world not our own.

Eat Slower: Vestigial Organs are Fully Functional

Its not a kidnap: if you can't carry them

Animal Hospital - Memory

Furtherings on the "Lion Vampires are the cause of AIDS in Africa"

Lions, non-zoo, are African. Helllooo? You wouldn't be able to tell if a lion was a vampire. Helllooo? 1- you don't look at lion's close enough. 2- the lion part cancels out the sun. Helllooo? (I just realized it was pretty racist not to make everyone in The Lion King have Helllooo? African accents not Matthew Broderick-ccents.) I'm losing you- Helllooo? OK- Lions have fangs. Fangs bite. Bite means blood. Blood has to deal with AIDS. Vampire Lions don't steralize their teeth. So they are spreading AIDS. Helllooo? But why don't the AIDS victims turn into vampires? AIDS trumps vampire-ism- Helllooo? AIDS trumps a lot of monsterial disease. AIDS is a number one killer of deadly monster virus, and of dead people. Helllooo? So- AIDS lot of people, Vampires- strictly lions these days. Lions who can store both AIDS and the Vampire virus. Vampire qualcitude. Vampire gene. Vampour Vest. Camping Tote. Helllooo? Aaaaaaaand time. Written in 2 minutes, 47 seconds at the end of this sentence. QUICK and EASY and NOT AS THOUGHT OUT.

2xtreme to dream steam: His Belly Burst

best sentence heard over the weekend: "what does you bike seat smell like in the summer after a long, hard ride?"

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - Beware

And they're off. Literally, a fourth of a second into the race they are off course, of course. There goes the guide dog to lead them back onto the raceway. This year's guide dog is Lentil, a North Yowdser Window Xolo that resembles an offspring of a lamb, zebra and puke on fire. Lentil is owned by Granny Grunty of Hytwaller, Nebbenworshe... thats in the Forest part of Kihanto County. I am saying all this to distract you from the racers who have now just realized they are naked, but don't realize they are approaching their first obstacle- rescue panthers who have been trained to rip off loosly hanging extremitys. Word from those trainers of the rescue panthers is "they shouldn't bit off the arms, as long as the runners keep in a running position that doesn't flail too much". Ooh it looks like one of the rescue panthers is a bear in a cumberbund with extra teeth on the outside of its mouth. Splendid. Runners approach obstacle one, and YES the rescue panthers go for the bigger penises. Arnold Quaghemner looks thrilled to keep his small penis. And there is our only women runner by the fancy bear, who seems to be only licking her ti... ah theres the bite! And here comes Lentil, now on fire, to signal the end of obstacle one. We will reconvene after the judges deem if there is enough reason to continue this horrible horrible event. Once again you are watching the 14th annual Kidnapped 'N Blind people 45 Mile Race for Racial Tensions (this year: furthering them). Sponsered by Recycled Eagle Feet's Recycled Eagle Beaks which make up what the runners shoes are made of.

Inspire Spit: I am Goodbye

This is No: Upper Class Twit of the Year

Gun Outfit - Dim Light

How to change a diaper on a peer who has decided, with his free will, that he doesn't give a fuck and chooses to wear diapers:

step the first- Question him! But not his decision to wear the diaper, thats his free will. Question why he can't change his own. Upon hearing an appropriate response (foot's asleep, has a gun to your head, gets off on it, simply just doesn't feel right unless someone else does it, etc. etc.) proceed to changing.

steppeddy deputy 2- Prepare yourself! You are about to see some grown parts in a state of baking in its own mud oven. This is no baby- there will be hair and their will be sexual reaction. Don't give in to that. Also- prepare in the cleaning sense too. Gloves are a must (for them not you). You wanna get out of there as quickly as you can, so have all the acoutremonts at hand. Also if the peer happens to be a boy- an erection means go for it, so be prepared for that.

stet three- SHIV! That's right- you have self respect and you have gone on with this charade long enough! You are looking at a pile of diaper-genital-and shit on a peer you see everyday (if you are changing a stranger's diaper- I assume you are desparate for attention and should just change the diaper like how you would a baby, I shouldn't have to explain that to you if you're changing a strangers diaper- also you probably shouldn't shiv them if you are doing this for attention, but its too late, I already said it and you already did it. Parenthesis you make life crazy, right?). Shiv this sucker right were you see you would sucker. Peehole, cunt swab, buttcycle... any pre-made hole is beneficary for tearing- but watch the poop! Also the blood.

shrek goes fourth- I think this is enough steps. Hopefully that person is unconscious. Take their wallet and shove it in their new hole and use a line like "made you a new pocket". Also I eluded to this earlier, but didn't say it outright- if they are someone who is physically handicapped and in dire need, not want, of this diaper- do not kill them. But do have sex with them. And take their wallet. Or kill them fast cuz you are god. Whats done is done, and whats trans-fat is something.

ok... byyye.

Sometimes I match my tone with the album's tone: Cocaine Women

These seem longer: days go by, the family, relationships of understanding... blah blah blah... love

100th post

I decided to make a very small deal about this.

Bruce Peninsula - A Mountain

I have a wrench, thats it there. Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty proud of it. I loosened a couple above grounders... pools... with it. Just lightly enough so that when 4 people get in it then the pressure causes it to burst and flood and ruin backyard grass. Yeah, me and wrench here, we get a long just fine. Just a couple favors ago, we tightened all the doors in the elementary school. The kids had to band together just to push them open. I imagine there were some injuries but the bonding experience itself should be worth it. Also me and the wrench clamped down all the tongs to forks at O.S. Sunkegduy's Beef-fet and Cloth Adhesive Agency. Yep just clamped them together so it made a round miniscule hole about the size of a turtle pupil, rendering each fork useless. Thats what they get for not honoring the wrench's bib request. O- this one time, wrench just went fuckshit all over these chemotherapy machines and dead bolted them to robot dumpsters outside of Penkenbor, Arkansas after the annual Edible MudFlap Expo (not to be confused with Ed Ible's Mod Flop Expose, which is a unilaterall publication in the country of Georgia).... I am supposed to say something about Penkenbor's high cancer rate and how they use those robodumpsters as capteurs and holding cells for their mini-gorilla problems and how the expo falls under those gorilla's mating season.... but man, I love that wrench. One time the wrench saved my life when King Darwep of Garneff tryed excommincating me with a fiery bronze whippen, after I thusly recondified the meanable clauses in the country's charter to read that sleeves deemed baggy may be altered rather than burn that person at the stone. Wrench fought thru the mist war to come in on horse right before the mighty king parlaxed his juniper wire penst my skullabrium. Wrench lockheaded the barrell mith that game hour! But, of course, you can borrow it... just want you to know all that about wrench and that I have sex with it.

A Leaf's "fight the power": Steamroller

What Hell is to a Syringe Artist: Hell

I.U.D. - Proper Sex

Dear Uncle Urkel,

Thats not your real name, nor are you any relation to me. It was more of a way to impress you through the rhythm of the words (is a dancer of the words). Have you lost weight? I'm not saying this cuz you are fat, I am saying this cuz you are less fat. I know no one asks you this often because no one wants to be rude to you, but I just want you to know- you look great (well, slightly greater (greater is an ironic word here because you are actually LESS GREATER in mass).). Anyway- I think I can help answer my question for you to me, with another question. What is weight? I haven't weighed myself since high school, and if someone would ask me I would just say numbers until they were satisfied. 4. 2. Another 2 perhaps. 7 is always good. The point is I am really skinny and people notice that and it doesn't bother me. Weight is just a "thing" people use to "make" "snap" "decisions" about whether or not they would "want to be friends". And that shouldn't bother you because it is just a number, and numbers are math and math is no fun for anyone (except, you know, well off people). I know you agree with that because I remember you failing out of high school. And thats you, and you should be you, because you get high all the time and have all those tiny animal skulls and your dick whistles when you pee and I once saw you get out of the bumper cars with the steering wheel stuck in your gut. Someone thinks these things are awesome. Probably. And! And! I wrote you a letter, which, honestly, should mean the world to you. And I didn't do it because Roland Mardwer said he'd give me 30 dollars to write you a letter on the back of your recently deceased parent's will which we stole from you cuz you are too fat to check loud noises in your house. That's sick. In a funny way. But it is sick, and this isn't written in your teenage sister's period blood.


Thanks for (I can't believe you actually) checking your mail,

Grant Hill, Fila representative (you wish cuz you still where those shoes)

The only reason I chose this, cuz they have a song named: Goat Pussy

Burlap for Blindfolds: give your kidnappees scratched corneas

Importantly- will I still be here when I am not gone?

I am busy this week and you if you read the last couple entries we had some gook laughs (that is racist- because I hate a race) but all kidding aside- look for a new features on dumb reviews: ACTUAL REVIEWS (of intangible things: jealousy, heigth, whisping, gross, terrorism), Making FUN of TWITTER with TWITTER, NBA Playoff coverage (should I be serious? Kazzaam (cuz i am)), blank relapses, and nothing will change.


But since I broke tone, which is dumb, so dumb, I hate it, friends, rice, lowest, region 2 dvds, minecular, swedish pawn shops (I found this great Wawbgluuu), Name that Region 2 DVD---- since I already broke tone- please allow yourself to truly enjoy this clip from this movie and I can't believe its on youtube and its 1974 and just give it up for Ken Shapiro and really find this movie and bask in its boldness. This movie...

The Groove Tube

I'm right behind you/ I'm not here

I am busy this week selling workahol to alocholics and catholics to monsters (I'm selling catholics to monsters is redundant selling). My profit margin index code is .7#7 on the Gearpluflix Mishmish Charm data. I fuck like spaghetti- all you want is the meatball (sense made- 3 sense)


I SERIOUSLY LOVE AND RESPECT in that order

The Groove Tube

Its called scheduling posts!

I'm busy this week converting sunflower seeds into personal space to market to babies with huge cocks that one would consider nimble (the cock not the baby) and preferbly those that like to suck cock (the baby not the cock- though a cock sucking a cock is something, eh, sport?)- YOU ARE DEAD SPORT!

Rent this by now:
The Groove Tube

the same thing I said yesterday

I am busy washing kleenex.

So- I have a favorite movie that everyone needs to know about called

The Groove Tube

I'm not here this week

I'm flossing dead giant otters for the too small for them coffins which are ironically made out of rivers (see? si!).

So I am dedicating this week to youever reads this to one of my all time favorite movies-

The Groove Tube

Kath and Kim Season 1

WARNING: THIS IS AN ACTUAL REVIEW

I am saying this because I feel people aren't talking about this show enough. I am also saying all this knowing that it is a remake, and that is sticky territory to deal with. That being said: You should be watching Kath and Kim. To put this show more in a frame, the show plays off more like King of The Hill than The Office. Where the office plays more in situation and how their characters deal (which is great I'm not discrediting it)- Kath and Kim and King of the Hill revel more in the stereotype and arch of the characters first, and let the story play out highlighting the over-the-topness and furthering into the depth of the character. (Basically I just said Kath and Kim is all character based). But Kath and Kim, unlike King of the Hill, is not animated therefore the fact they are pulling this off is brilliant. These performances are something to be in awe of. Think Christopher Guest movies, in how performances are played so understated, where the jokes come from behind the depth of the performance. Molly Shannon brings her classic energy to the naive-classy-trash-mom, while Selma Blair adds a dark dimension to the spoiled brat stereotype. And then you have John Michael Higgins- playing very much the Tobias Funke role (even the same innuendo joke)- having literally everything he says is funny, and you don't know who Mikey Day is but man can he find the meat of a of a joke in a sentence. The trick is with them, is to never let goofiness show and to let the joke of the stereotype  grow on you to an ownership level bond with them. And this show is hard to get into, because it just jumps in with regards for setting the audience up. If you just watch the show once, you get a weird taste of the tone, and you completely miss the depth and heart in each of the performances. Cuz that is the show's wheelhouse. Story, costume, setting all add to it- but the brilliance of this show lies within the character in context.

Favorite line: Phil, unaware that the girl at his bachelor party is an exotic dancer, asks the girl about her background, Craig tells Phil that she is a stripper. "She-is-not-a-stripper. She-is-a GUEST in this house"

I told you to watch it: When the season was over

Two Fingers - Two Fingers

How to Pretend to Be Loose

-cut elbow holes in long sleeve tees

-watch NBC Thursday nights sto-ned

-quote 1990s SNL while at meetings

-name your daughter Lulu

-carry around face skin of lion cubs

-don't say loose, but make up terms to describe yourself as loose (ie 'bucking', 'donated', 'I'm all SWAM out')

-ask people if the outfit they are wearing was inspired by Twilight

-write your phone number on dogs

-teach strangers how to nod

-deny that you know what a Ikea does ("they sell ikes right?")

-try and break floors

-tan only your crotch

-piss on vomit when you see it

-over use the following words out of context: Velvet, Pricing, Essential, Bratz,  Snip-snip, Fuck

-compliment women on how they don't look

-download illegal music, not music illegally

-sell your facebook page

-shit in toilets, don't flush, then break with sledgehammer

-rob elementary schools

-dream big, stuart little

-don't blog, but if you do, do so outloud

Featuring Ms. Jade: Better Get That

News in the 50s: credit

Grandchildren - Cold Warrior EP

So this comedian was making a statement/joke about comparing Mary Poppins to Super Ninney one one (Nanny Shows- Nanny Shows), and I forgot most of it... there was an Xbox joke... but I know you really wanted to hear those jokes about a popular magic nanny from your childhood compared to reality TV (as that is the definition of Comedic).... so- here is my take on: If Mary Poppins was on the reality TV show Super Nanny (or Nanny 911): "OK- well if Mary Poppins- the magic nanny with a killer rack- were on one of those TV shows about nannys- you know nanny 911, or super nanny, if she was on there- it'd go something like this "HOLY FUCK SHE IS A GODDAMNED WITCH" then they'd try to kill her, but then the kids would be like "no she gave us these cool Vans slip ons!" and then mary poppins, who is fiiiine, would be like watch this, and they'd be like "o she is a super nanny (commercial break) or she is a 911 nanny (commercial break), then they'd witness to her and mary poppins would insist on being intolerate to their beliefs then they'd edit that out and then a song and then aren't christians dumb and then english accent, dick van dyke, kids are brats, parents can't control their babies, daddy's, that part where she takes a lampp out of her bag, and more standup comedy comparing something famous of something to something that is around today.... right cuz its."

Thats your tie collection: Saturn Returns

This went, but not over, through your head: Life expectancy at 122

WALSH!

WATCHMEN movie

I saw the movie.  I have an opinion. I love the twins mom from Rugrats. Betty Deville.  SO- my opinion is like whaaat... your opinion and my opinion should have a joint bank account and donate to "motivate moms".

It was a movie: It was a book

The Antlers - Hospice

I quit being noble. I write my own coupons. I photoshop Robin Williams features on elderly women and then frame them for sharing food at buffets. I go to Mt. Everest every year and lop off about 14 inches. I did script supervision for Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I have snuck into a tampon factory and changed the machine's setting to widen the width by 1.5 centimeters. I pose as a doctor during dentist's appointments and pass on health concerns to the dentist accordingly with what he says to me. I constantly try to convince people Bill Cosby has passed away.  I have done viral marketing for Race to Witch Mountain. I convince parents to join Facebook. I eat during stranger's funerals. I extort infants..... I help design high school mascots? I started a national campaign to change the name of turtlenecks to "Roman Holidays"? I leave Dennis the Menace cartoons at murder scenes? Hello? I break toilet at Bally Total Fitness? Stop it!! These judgmental eyes, when alls I wanted to portray was the anguish and the lashes out of the side effects from my laser therapy to curb my addiction to scoring touchdowns. I wear sunglasses with a rope.

humming: Bear

Watchmen: Totally

Black Nasty - SHARK TANK

Lanauria was selfish (coincidentally also a shellfish) and wonthe lottery choosing to be paid in American Eagle giftcards and 10 dollar bills with dicks drawn on them. She shut down her facebook account. I noticed how much I didn't like her, then compared her caged vagina to a whale's nostril. She is now dating a LeBron James connection of 4 degrees (a elementary school classmates's hot air balloon provider's fake pastor's guy who wears same socks). (LA BRAAWN JAYYMZ). Lanauria or whatever I said her name was first major purchase (after paying a facebook representative (myself) 70 dollars to shurdown her account) was a hypothetocial car made out of actual deer. 20 deer equals an almost 2 passenger car. The whole exterior made from stretched out layers of deer skin and the fur lined the interior, exterior, minterior, and the tears for feariors. The engine is hearts, brains, saliva, a tgi fri (complete with a staff of 17), and a tank plane engine with a nuclear (or ceasar(like salad)) center. The antlers are used as bumper antlers and now that patent is currently out as a weapon designed for the aid of blind obese children with seeing eye dogs with eating disorders (dogs eat their own poo, dogs do dog doo). The tricky part is the windshield which is made from the deer's eye tissue, though originally the windshield was made of the Ecko shirts the deers seemed to wear. But the eyes were semi-clearer (when its sunny out but raining just enough and not too much). The wheels are why she bought this amalgam of describing: they are the hoofs melted-welded-re-enacted into wheels that actually make a high pitch and constant clop sound (fuck clip). I was going to make a Deerhoof joke, so you can replace 'clop sound' with 'ditties of no tone'. All in all, this car is smellier, soul crushing, constant staining, and crumbles in accidents, car starts, and stares. But the advantage of it is that it runs on your own feces. So its runs on free. Lanauria also won the title of "most nervous while mooning veterans" but she failed to capitalize on that.

Album of the year?: By Far

Nice Haircut: for a shit head