Dec 16, 2010

3 DAYS UNTIL THE PARKS AND RECS 1 MONTH TIL SEASON PREMIERE COUNTDOWN

Are you pumped? Ya pumped? Are all. of. you. PUMPED!

We are almost 1 Month away until season 3 of Parks and Recs is back on the air (Jan. 20th at 9:30 hey!). That's more Mouse Rat. More successfully marketed-to references about Tom's Wardrobe. More peer-to-peer relationship growing between Ron Swanson and Leslie!

NBC's stupid decision to give this show half a season has now been replaced by another stupid decision, and we can now get to know the town of Pawnee (Racist murals and Corn Syrup factory et all) a little bit more closely.

What's that NBC.com? You want to join in on the fun? THE FUN OF BEING EXCITED! THE EXCITED OF BEING FUN! Go right ahead, NBC.com:



NBC.com. You idiot. Her name is Leslie Knope. I will take another screen shot to show you:


Yeah, you did your job with the date. But... why don't you care about... yourself? I mean I love the show, and you're just not giving a fuck. Give fuck, NBC.com. Geezus Chryzb.

Anyway, I am super excited for Parks and Recreation to be back on the air (first 2 seasons streaming on Netflix- GO!). I'm going to write try harder and dedicate some blog time over the next Month-ish. So this whole thing was an announcement. To myself, really. Oh, and I did click on where it mentions 'parks and rec in 3-D'. Pretty good stuff. Here's a screen grab:

Dec 15, 2010

My Struggle in Watching Television Sometimes

OK. So describing myself: A skinny, foreign tan young adult who obsesses over TV and Movies and expresses creativity thru being meta.

I also just described Abed from Community. Now, me not admitting that me and Abed were similar was holding back me absolutely loving that TV show.

Abed is awesome. I shouldn't project my feelings of inadequacy onto a TV character despite how I've said similar things that rang hollow and true when uttered by him.

Keep saying it: Abed is awesome. His friends view him in a particular light and have certain expectations of him. Abed can tell you the overlapping specifics between Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf 2 (Dad/Uncle and Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure).

There's the upsetting part about relating to a recluse, odd television character. The 'dark side' if you will: Abed has to be blatantly told life is real and can't express emotions fully. That's fine. I see that in myself, I can work on that.

Things are allowed to happen in real life, as long as I can spot the differences: I flirted with a gay man because I wanted to talk about Strangers With Candy. Not some nerdy sci-fi TV series. There's a difference.

Mostly, though. Abed is everyone. He is viewing Community as a TV show too. Not understanding Abed is really not fully comprehending TV. Imagine if you related to Britta or Jeff. I would feel kind of sorry, but in a tragic way that's acceptable and makes me seem deeper than I really am.

If I'm seeing too much of myself in a TV character (nervous nerd type) at least it's on a show that has the TV character I want to grow up to be:

Dec 13, 2010

Parts of a Whale

The face.

The blow hole.

The belly.

Flukes.

The stranded sailor still alive waiting area.

The dead sailor bone yard.

Blow-hole tube.

Vocal chords.

The place where the dolphin mafia dump bodies.

Tail.

Flipper.

Right Eye.

Left Eye.

Everybody Dance Eye.

Penis.

Vagina.

The part of brain that can tell if the vagina is actually wet.

Heart.

Shrimp playing poker.

Blubber.

Diet Blubber.

Blubber Zero.

Tounge.

Baleen.

Mezzanine Floor.

Sierra Mist Splash Zone.

Trophy Case of Paley Center Honors for Usage in Literature.

Suck hole.

Suck hole tube.

Print and Copy Center.

Bad-ass, take-no-prisoners attitude.

All the above mentioned can be see in the picture below:

humpback-whale.jpg


The Whale: mysterious creature that has lived for over 800 million years eating dinosaurs, missing links, and space aliens all this time while figuring out how to always remain functionally wet. Here's to you, Shamu Robinson. Jesus Loves you more than you can grow.

Dec 8, 2010

Dumb Review: Pitchfork Reviews Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy


Let's get one thing straight. I am doing this to drive up traffic. I have a blog titled 'Dumb Reviews' and a popular review site is Pitchfork and a popular review being talked about is them giving a 10 to the new Kanye West record.

It's sneaky and nothing like me, I know. But to before a man has to 'go fuck off', he needs to have something to fuck on.

I did read that review though. And it was dumb. But they likely gave it a 10 for the same reason I am even talking about. To drive traffic. To give them something to talk about. So people who have blogs can post a comment that drives traffic to their site. I really like this album too, and this is coming from a guy who just added Electrelane into his favorite music on Face-bbooookk.

Because that's where we are. The internet. We are on the internet. And you do what you got to do, to do whatever it is you want to do. That's what I tell all my Communist Party Leader friends when they want their appetizer they ordered to come out with everyone else's meals at the same time.

Pitchfork only mentioned Chris Rock once, and that was in reference to the pull Kanye has with his celebrity. IT WAS FUNNY- say that.


Dec 6, 2010

Arrested Development Sub-Plot City USA!

Arrested Development is great. There I said it. You agreed. Let's move on.

The show is such a thick cut of well-seasoned show steak, that if you cut off just a tiny bit of it, you're gonna get mind constipated for the night. This episode alone had 2 sub-plots to its already tangential plots of the over-arcing sub-plots of the series as a whole.

Let's take a look at one of these sub-plots. A perfect gift of logical absurdity that not only connects to the other plot lines seamlessly but, amps up the pace of the entire show.


Episode- Best Man for the Gob (season 1, episode 19)
Sub-plot: Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution


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After Tobias' urging, Michael (within the joke of sycning the band name with the narration) urges Lindsay to join the family band she, Maeby and Tobias played together in back when they lived in Boston. Lindsay does not want to do it, and hated the band because it got her hooked on medication. Maeby, thinking of herself, does want to get the band back together so that she can spend less time with her parents. The entire plot is hinged on Maeby. She, through a childhood of having horrible parents, recognizes and manipulated the situation to her advantage. It's very sad, actually. George Michael just wants to be in the band because it sounds fun, and because of his crush on his cousin. Which is even sadder. You can also replace the base word sad with funny, in those last to usages.

Tobias, however, is proud of the band, and is not surprised to meet a fan, who just so happens to be Gob's wife. He even provides some background, and holds our first mirror to the prescription drug industry, "Sadly, Teamocil has been discontinued. The sense of wellness it created in relationships was merely the first sign of complete pituitary shutdown."

The band gets back together for a drug expo show at the hotel where Gob's bachelor party is happening, and where George Michael and Michael are staying for their father-son fishing trip. The band, about ready to perform, breaks up because Lindsay is irritable because the drug she taken has a side effect of delayed irritabilty, and at the fact that they are "dressed like it is the 60s" when "it's the 21st century we should be dressed like its the 80s". (Maeby leaves the band because she again recognizes the situation and decides in her best interest, which is to just leave.) In a fun bit of awareness, the stakes are raised (and the climax to the sub-plot is set up) with a slow motion reaction when Tobias finds out that his parking won't be validated if no one performs.

In the 3rd and final scene of the solution plot, we get tidied up nicely. The commentary on how corporate and uninspired the artists who work for a drug company actually are with a cliche fawning folk ballad duet entitled "Teamocil", which features the line "There's no I in Teamocil, at least not where you'd think", proving that every detail these writers give themselves is perfectly thought out and executed.

The plot is rapidly moved forward and set up to its triumphant conclusion in song by a quick earlier exchange in the episode, as Gob's wife saves Tobias from solo-singing a duet by playing the song about a drug that affected her so deeply she would recognize the singer several years later and therefore have the gummation, flare, and ballsiness to cut through the crowd in song.
Wrapping things up nicely is the third heat that makes this joke such a well-oiled machine, George Michael using his wood block and developed rhythm (inspired by punctuality) comes in and delivers the spot-on parody of drug taglines. The similar drugs to take instead have similar togetherness names- "Grouphug" & "Bondat", or you can "consult your own wellness guide". With a cherry on top of Tobias kicking George Michael out of the band, likely due to his artistic integrity being ruined if he had a wood-block in his act.

The ripple effect reaches the A-story as Gob's wife tells Gob that she is in love with Tobias, his brother-in-law, but she pauses incorrectly after saying brother. Gob, vulnerable from the current issues he has with his father and jealous of Michael and currently being humbled by him, is reminded of Michael being in love with Marta, and feels betrayed by his younger brother and takes his aggressions out on him with a punch knocking him out cold. Thus begins the divorce process between Gob and Gob's wife. All this paragraph was summed up in 3 lines of dialouge in about 8 seconds.

Dec 5, 2010

Pizza, as in relations to children's jubilation through song

Living in New York- I can getta da slica of da pizz'a anytime I want. The thing is, I have many, many choices of pizza restaurants. And I have to decide if I want it by the slice or a whole pie. And who is chipping in. And counter in cost of delivery. And hear everyone's philosophy on tipping. The whole process takes away the excitement of eating pizza. The blissful ignorance of being a child and eating a meal with melted cheese by using only my hands. I miss being excited about pizza.

So to all the blog readers under 10: -your asshole parents need to monitor your fucking computer usage, and enjoy pizza while you still can. Enjoy that an adult just hands it to you. Enjoy it while your palette doesn't care about extra toppings, and is perfectly fine with the cheaper option of no toppings.

To help with that excitement, songs have been created. Simple songs, your simple plain cheese pizza mind can understand. But why settle for Pizza Outlet when you can easily get Pizza Hut? I'm here to tell you which Children's Pizza Related Novelty songs should be "eaten crust first" and which ones to "store in the fridge for breakfast tomorrow".

What's Hot in Pizza Songs? Pizza Kids - We Like Pizza

No more The Go-Go's, Pizza Kids GOT THE BEAT. Honestly, tell me the difference (besides lyrics) between house music and We Like Pizza. It's so insanely euro-trash down to the unique enunciation of "pizah". But the song nose dives and crashes and passengers die at those awful lyrics. How about that non-linear chorus? "we like pizza in the morning/ we like pizza EVERY DAY/ we like pizza in the evening/ we like pizza ANYWAY"? If you say everyday, I understand that it entails morning and evening. And anyway other than what? When you say anyway- you shouldn't be agreeing with yourself. And not to mention- a still picture? This is 2018- make god'am video! Granted you did put the most attractive member (the Timberlake) out in front, and the girls sure can point both properly and awkwardly with her thumbs while also shoulder too much shoulder and not enough shoulder. My final decision. Much like Domino's- this pizza is best served stoned.

OLD SCHOOL- Olsen Twins - Gimme Pizza

The Olsen Twins represent a gold standard in the marketing home videos to children world, so I am totally fine with letting them act in Weeds, or be CEO of a company I'll never hear about. In their ode to pizza, they have a relatable battle cry of 'I want pizza', and offer the spelling. With the girls, parkinson-esque dancing on one side and the rainbow gang on the other- the friends extoll the virtues of curiousty and adventure by putting various items on the pizza. They kind of try here heightening from sausagesto ice cream to oreo to chicken tounge to a reference of fried green tomatoes. They weren't compelling, but they tried. Too many fast cuts for my stomach. I didn't have enough time to decide with girl I related to most. Also, their reaction shots at the audacity of their pizza toppings are a great reminder that children haven't developed all their emotions yet. But this pizza is easy enough to digest, thanks to beginning framing device in which we get to see some of the most earnest synced up head shaking on film.

This Pizza Place by us is the best pizza I ever had: Unknown Japanese Pizza Song

Japanese creative types are more in touch with the world, then our indulgent American selves. I am not going to pretend I know anything that happens here, but the song doesn't SOUND as basically structured as the last two videos, and the colors actually make me happy. Plus there's a point where something (either garlic or poop) is shown, then a dog runs out, then a man- this is followed by question marks which leads me to believe they don't know what happened either.

This happens twice actually. All with images of Italy, checkerboard backgrounds, and easy to imitate dance moves, Pizza Song is insanely fun and proves the point that lyrics ruin songs. This pizza was cooked in a well-maintained oven solely designed to hold one pizza pie at a time, which is bad for business- but make for one delicious pizza. I would say it's like 'White Pizza', but I am trying to get kids to eat it.


This has been Dumb Reviews, aiming for a lower age demographic.

Dec 3, 2010

You're reading a post right now.

Hello Blog.

I know, I know. Before you say it- I've missed you too.

We were just doing something for so long there- me with all those daily updates on you, and you with all your being on the internet- I just needed to get away for a while. That's all.

I've been experiencing the world, blog, THE WORLD. Ever hear of it? It's where information is born, raised, and then served to you, internet, to use as your food.

But I'm here now. And 'now' means something, doesn't? DOESN'T IT, BLOG?

I know you're feeling neglected, hurt, embarrassed, and probably masturbating to pictures of more popular blogs and whole-sale liquidators official websites. But that's your thing, blog, I'm not gonna bother you about it. I just wanted to see you again. And feel you again, blog. To put words inside of you. To link to things I have I just realized I left on in the background. To beat you down like an abusive husband who doesn't realize he's always wearing 'wifebeater' tank tops, (deep breath), with these super indulgent entries that write to prove a point to yourself that you do actually own and take care of a blog? Did you even get what I just said? Blog?

Hello? Blog?

Nov 16, 2010

Current State: The Office


As we watch this season, we have to constantly remind ourselves that Michael Scott is leaving. With that layering of knowing, The Office has fans such as myself speculating on every little occurrence the show. So let's do that.

Andy has had a major plot implications every episode so far this season. I like that his plot involves other characters (his budding friendship with Darryl, Phyllis' genuine like of him, and the Gabe/Erin "love triange"), and Ed Helms is in movies and came from the Daily Show. So he's different enough from Michael Scott with the same Steve Carrell breeding.

Though I don't think Andy is taking over as boss, he's clearly not good enough, I do see him taking over as the source material in future episodes. The boss, well, we can argue that we already know. The past episode, "Viewing Party", pretty much established that Gabe is in command. Maybe once Michael Scott leaves, Gabe takes on more of Michael's business duties, while passing along the blander day-to-day things along to the office administrator (she knows Michael's job better than anyone else, and she has a sales background (something Michael alluded to when she walked on coals). There's also the wildcard of Daryl, who has big plans at this company, and is an established idea man with a succesful track record. Oh and Jim? Well, Jim is fucking up more. Jim is turning into the Michael with his emotions in check. Just the 'fuck-up' part, not 'fucked-up'. So with Andy's idiocy, and Jim's bumbling- we'll pretty much have the same office in tact.

But what about the exit for Steve Carrell? There is a precedent of David Brent saying 'Fuck off' and believing in himself. Goodness, knows that'd be good for Michael. But he needs something deeper. Is his relationship with Erin that something? History of the two: they had nice bonding during Scott's Tots (she was there for Michael), Michael can be nice to her (the ending of Secretary's Day), and now- Erin views Michael as her father, which he accepts. Michael always wanted to be the best friends with his co-workers, his "family". Jim and Pam have always rejected that notion, despite Michael's best efforts. That was symbolized in the christening to a degree, but I believe there is much more to be mined between Jim, Pam, and Michael. Michael does look at those 2 as perfect, and he does find Erin "a bit of a rube". Michael doesn't realize he is just as bit as a rube. The Erin and Michael relationship is one of the best things the show has going for it right now (Dwight taking care of CeCe has the potential to be the best thing the show has ever done- fingers crossed- not jinxing), and that is exciting. Ellie Kemper and Steve Carrell are 2 amazing improvisers. Just look at their father-daughter scene. Throw in the improv skills of Zach Woods (The World's Most Awkward Boy) and the information we just learned about Gabe (he's in charge, he likes throwing parties) and we have something there.


Michael's been pretty self destructive and even more immature lately. Now, Michael Scott has a chance to be involved. He saw the Pam, Roy, Jim thing play out in front of him. Now he has the Gabe, Erin, Andy problem presenting itself, with people on his own level. Couple that with giving Dwight (who is one of the best left-field character's in TV history) something to do, and we have the makings here. About a half a season left- don't waste it.

Nov 15, 2010

Review: Tossing

Ah, the sweetness of tossing. The middle ground between throwing and lobbing . The cornerstone of gentlemen's baseball. Yes, tossing is the 1st love of catching, and they have had many children together.

But the failure of tossing is it's key component. The unspoken nature that a 'toss' is a lighter throw (ie toss your cookies under the standard of throwing up). Unspokeness leads to danger, as one's man's toss is another man's heave, fling, or chuck.

Tossing is a connection between two people. Tossing take time. You toss with someone, you trust that person. You take care of that person. This isn't the back alley's of crime festooned 1950's San Francisco- this is a 2 way street with very precise lighting street lamps.

When you're out of reach, across the room, or a reasonable amount of stories below, and you just need a non-liquid, likely not to shatter, with-in your strength limits of catching- thank tossing and all that it's tossed for you.

Nov 12, 2010

Review: "Teaching"

Those aren't fists yet. Keep curling your fingers. The whole way. Yeah. Yeah! Good, good. Quit moving your thumb around. Keep it in one place. Keep it down. Try tucking it in. Like that. Good. Can you squeeze any? At a boy! Now do the same thing with the other hand. Oh, still keep your one hand in the fist. Keep it shut. If you have to keep it under your arm pit, buddy, we wanna make 2 fists at once. That's it, curl, curl... What do we do with the thumb? Yes! Alright, now slowly take the fist from out of your armpits. Squeeze if you can... Look! You have 2 fists! Now swing your arm. Whoa, alright. Now put your arms to the side. Lift one up, still with the fists. Make an L with your elbow. That's a V, move it out. Good. Now slowly bring it back in the L- still with the fist- and now bring it forward, making it extend out straight in front of you. Good. Now- we're gonna do that but faster. Ok. L shape- baaack, and forward. Back, forward. Back/forward. Backforward. Bacfowrd. Bckfrwd. Bahfd! YES! Good job! That's what throwing a punch feels like. Now if only you could talk.

Nov 11, 2010

Let's List: The Type of Parents Who Would Buy This Pink Estate Wagon Rider for Their Child

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-Kooky Parents That Buy the Fun Soaps That Encourage Kids to Bath By Themselves

-Neurotic Parents That Live Through Their Kid's Facebook Pages

-Busy Parents That Have The Nanny Deal with Halloween Costumes

-Overwhelmed Parents That Have a Convoluted yet Informed Idea of the America Working Class

-Single Mothers Who Won Custody

-Single Fathers Doing Their Best With Their Daughter

-Gay Farming Parents Who Struck it Rich With Their Line of Organic Carrot Yogurt

-Color Blind Parents That Like the Saw Movie Franchise

-Hilarious Parents Who Prank Their Children

-Hipster Parents Taking Irong Too Far

-Parents That Were Frozen in the 1400s and once being Unfrozen This Was the First Thing They Saw

-Bad Parents Whose Kids Are Not Informed Enough About Breast Cancer

-Grand Parents Still Impressed by Wood Paneling

-Oven Roasted Parents Forced to Purchase Campy Items by the Item's Designer Who Has Gone Mad from Lack of Sales of the Product

- Any Parent Who Think The Will Smith Song "Parent's Just Don't Understand" doesn't apply to them, or Any Parent Who Has Made a Decision Either Way About That Will Smith Song, or Any Parent Who Thinks About Will Smith at all, Or any Parent Who Has Seen Hancock, so AKA idiots

Nov 10, 2010

Ten: Types Of Hair Weaves I Invented Soley based on Names I Just Thought Up


-Churls In Churge: Your favorite zoo animal is killed in front of a kindercare class field trip, and then a picture of yourself in a Santa suit with beard askew is circulated amongst the class with the caption "This person is using this animal's hair for a weave."

-The First 20 Minutes of the Apocolypse: Fiona Apple's 'Criminal' is played on non-stop loop at a Sarasota area mental hospital. The hair pulled out by the patients is then made into a weave.

-Snaddy Janette's Rice Wagon: You are stranded on an island for 1 week with the proper amount of food, but it is covered with human hair. From your fecal matter- the hair is extracted and then made into your own weave.

-Squid Cuisine: Pour 98 gallons of gasoline into a lake, and then torch. What floats to the top is sprinkled with hair and made into a weave because that's what I'm supposed to be talking about.

-Vertical Mooning: A weave made from the ass hair of Scandinavian hospital patients (extra for curls, extra extra for females, extra extra extra for disease free)

-Hope Springs Eternal: A weave is made with the pulpy material created by recycling all the foreclosed Blockbuster DVD copies of Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain MIXED with all the carpeting from MC Hammer's former estate

-Sternum Value: Hair is wrapped around a rib bone of YOUR choosing (Ribs provided by Wes' Poorly Guarded Orphan Cemetary - home of the saddest ghosts)

-The First 20 Seconds of a Pauly Shore Movie: Artist Banksy Follows You for 12 hours and then creates a weave that subtly mocks you while making you more relevant to pop culture

-Fudge Powder: A gopher snorts chinese spices and bath salts, and then sneezes on your head

-Half Price NAMBLA Orgy: all the above ones combined attached as fast as possible by midget with a blindfold while you are standing up (her fingers are the men to the hair of your boys)

Nov 9, 2010

Review: The Process In Which I Write


Let's not sugar coat this. I write this blog purely based on making myself write everyday. Why? Because I am super busy and want to add to that stress level. So, yeah, most of the time- I literally crank out a blog entry. I take a giant lever, internally push my organs to one side, stick that lever about 14 inches deep into the non-organ side, and crank it until a blog post has been written. I have about 4 levers all approximately the same size. I keep them in the bathroom near the shower so I don't forget to wash them. They're about 6-10 pounds each, minimal rust.

The gaping hole in my side? Oh that's the beautiful part--- it's begun to build up immunity to the constant incision/penetration. This means it has begun to heal once the crank is within me, making it much harder to take out. This has made blog production much faster, and efficient. However, the quality has gone down. I assume this is due to my focusing on the pain and constantly worry of infection.

I hope you enjoyed this look into the way I write. I hope I inspired any young writers out there who googled the words "Baby Dare Devil" to not focus on the constraints of creativity- but to revel in the freedom of induced pain and rapid scabbing. This is my gift to you (gift not liable for any blood-loss, blood staining, or blood-increase).

Nov 5, 2010

Review: Waiting for It

You can take "waiting for it" many different ways. I am expressing the joke aspect of waiting for it. So....

Wait for it.....



Conan was always the best because he added and heightened the comedy and never left you hanging. So much respect for being so silly. And he got us there.

So now I'm using a 'wait for it' as means of excitement levels, because Conan O'Brien is back this Monday.


It's important. It's important to have someone this open-minded to silly in charge of things on TV. Just wait for it.

Nov 4, 2010

Review: Cancer Patients

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Real life, man. Real life like when a famous basketball player (known for intensity and trash talk) calls another basketball player (known for having Alopecia and kind of sucking) a "cancer patient".

That hits. That gets around. That is beyond a game that you as a millionaire are playing. That's real life.

Notice I've said real life, 4 times now (I included just now). 'Real life' is a term I am using to mean up to interpretation. Which is another way of me saying- yeah, most people would be offended by this, but I'm not. I'm not saying people who are offended have no sense of humor... I'm saying they have a different one. So as politely as I can say it- go fuck yourself.

Kevin Garnett called Charlie Villanueva (pictured above with an actual cancer patient) a cancer patient. I laughed at this. Why? Because Real Life is hilarious.

Look Kevin Garnett says things because why wouldn't he. He barked and crawled on all 4s once. And now he called someone a Cancer Patient. He shouldn't have- OK. He's a public figure- blah blah blah. I'm fine with it. I believe his insult was intended to mean Charlie Villlanueva looks like a cancer patient because he's bald with no eyebrows. Now cancer patients know they are bald. And no one is denying that bald cancer patients exist. And Charlie Villanueva does look weak and frail and his alopecia shaved head looks closer to Chemo treatment than most other shaved heads. But there- I said it "weak and frail"-- am I not supposed to remind people that cancer patients are weak? They have it hard enough without stating the obvious, huh?

Well fuck that. Cancer Patients are people. And as people they deal with things differently. They survive, they get through. They don't care about what I say and they shouldn't care about what Kevin Garnett says. If they do- then I'm sorry. I'm sorry they took to the time to read a blog post labeled Cancer Patients on a site called Dumb Reviews. I'm sorry they like sports as much as they do. I'm sorry they don't have anything else to do. Kevin Garnett telling a shitty basketball player he looks like a cancer patient is Kevin Garnett telling a shitty basketball player he's not as good a basketball player as he is.

Being a cancer patient sucks. I don't know why we have to tip toe around that. Do you appreciate that Cancer patients? Being told that you're offended because something awful happened to you? Do you not know that you having cancer would make anyone less skilled at basketball than if they were healthy? Should we call people 'rape victims' instead?

I don't know why most people are easily offended. My guess is they like to talk and draw the attention to themselves. I don't know why there is cancer. My guess is because of all the horrible food people eat. I don't know why Kevin Garnett is so good at defense. My guess is his height and athleticism. I know what I am- I just am that type of guy to laugh at a nutcase basketball player calling another basketball player a Cancer Patient.

Nov 3, 2010

WAY TO READ A LINE: Danny Pudi in Community "Epidemiology"

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Community has been the most fun on TV for the past 2 weeks. They hit you with the heavy hand of their 'Jesus' episode, and then follow it up with and go 'Zombie'. And it feels right to quantify each episode with one word, because Community has deftly parodied and subtlety become that short-handed and familiar of a TV show. The one character that sums that up, for better and acknowledged for worse, is Abed.



Now I said Community is a fun show. Fun is pretty much all you can ask from a TV sitcom, and Community throws fun up all over your freshly washed sport coat. Part of the fun (of watching any TV show really) is having your expectations exceeded. Let me explain: The Big Bang Theory isn't funny because the characters are saying their jokes. There have a pattern of set-up and heighten. Say the jokes, pause for the laughter. It's fine. It's not fun though. Better TV shows serve their jokes.

Abed, as established from every episode, as established even in this episode, has a romanticized view of life shaped by movies. He is also established as smart and capable. So having this character in a zombie movie setting is such a treat. So when we're down to the last 2 survivors, and its the best friends who have been arguing, the best friends who we recognize as the more comedic relief of the ensemble- we get to expect something.

"Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end."

We get an Abed movie zinger- a classic stereotype of horror movies that of course Abed recognizes in this situation. We get an emotional resolution to the Troy-Abed nerd dispute- Abed means his words- he wants Troy to succeed, he wants the school to be saved (Abed after all did bring up changing the temperature most out of all the characters), and- because we know Abed- he really wanted to say that line. All that in one line. In a zombie episode.

So sure, I took a cheap shot at Big Bang Theory... they could say this line and make it their own. Hell, I'm sure they had a similar line to this one. But no, they didn't have the emotional core to it. And no, they sure didn't do it in a zombie episode. That was set to Abba music. That played it totally straight. They would say the joke. They wouldn't serve it.

Also in this episode The Dean had heavy cream (not for drinking) on his grocery list.


Nov 2, 2010

What I Wouldn't Give For: an armrest

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I am sitting. I am sitting as a bird flies without wind. I am sitting spilling out of the chair. Unencumbered my limbs are, claiming personal space and ruggedly braving the elements of unconfined. I could brush up against this man's arm and claim his arm space for the kingdom my my arm. He very well could hock his burly arm to seize my area. His arm is more hirsute than mine.

I am sitting with antsy elbows. Gravity has gotten the best of them, and they can't rest- points digging- in my lap much longer. No these elbows shouldn't be touching me at all. These elbows are dangerous and should be treated as such. These elbows need to stop, these elbows need an anchor. These elbows, oblivious to reason.

Though this chair reaches basic chair requirements- sitting on it- this chair is not comfortable. It does not have the nestled-in, the at-ease feeling of sitting. This chair makes me judgmental. This chair makes me detached. This chair is not the chair for me.

The day has been long, my arms have been used. These arms. These arms that hold my hands, these arms that hold certain muscles, these arms that itch under certain sweaters. These arms are tired, this chair helps them none.

O- what I wouldn't give for an armrest.

Nov 1, 2010

Review: Cold Hammers

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Hot Hammers are fine. Sure sure sure. In fact, if I was torturing someone- I'd go with a hot hammer. But the time for torturing has passed (thank you Saw franchise) and for the sake of getting work done, give me a cold hammer.

A cold hammer is more honest. More determined. More loud. Hot hammers lie, get by on looks, and are less loud. A cold hammer is less likely to melt, a hot hammer is more likely to reference an MC. When I think of cold hammers, I think of forging, and of hard steel. When I think of hot hammers I think of less forging, and not as hard of steel.

The basic aesthetic difference between the hot and the cold hammer, much like all temperature differences, is simple. So simple, in fact, that I'm not stating such an obvious aesthetic difference. Instead I am going to say it is the difference between the Civil War and a civil war within another, more warmer country. Or the difference between a blizzard in Canada, and a blizzard in Carolina. Or Tea and Iced Tea.

Oct 28, 2010

Review: Older Women with Long Gray Hair

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As a person who knows everything because knowing you know nothing means learning that you've learned enough (FIND DEFAULT IN THAT REASONING), I am pretty much an expert on woman entering their 50s-60s despite my handicap of being a young male and of not caring. So my worldview stands to reason, that older women with long hair is... just... creepy. In a calm way. In a calm sexual way. In a calm-sexual-what-are-you-trying-to-prove-way.

Now the exception to the rule is Hollywood celebrities and other people who are attractive enough (re: not gray haired) and rich enough to keep with the uptake of the youthful, flowly, I'm every women- look. The rule without the exception is: why do you think that looks good? It might look good to you, which is great for you, but I feel you need to explain it to me. There is getting old gracefully- and there's getting old like a mother fucker. So in light of me and my confusing in your face prose, here's a list:

-Long gray distinguishes witches.
-Long gray hair looks like it'd get stained if you spill something on it.
-Long gray hair contradicts itself in its youthful, elderly appearence.
-Long gray hair looks like a place a night animal would sleep.
-Long gray hair really sticks it to older bald men (a postive!)
-Gray is not a complimentary color to the face.
-Women don't need to be 'eccentric', they have boobs (note: breast cancer patients- do whatever you want, I'm not starting up with you ever again)
-I don't need any more reminders about Joan Baez
-There are better ways to show you're liberal
-Frame your face, use style.... just having your hair long is kind of bland at your age. If you're a book store owner, have been described as granola, own a baggy shirt that is purple, have made something you are wearing, if you use the word 'sycamore' regularly, have talked about birds to an audience, have more than 6 candles within sight right now, and talk openly about your vagina- chances are I'm talking about you.

Chances are you'll never read this blog. So I don't feel bad at all for saying anything I've said at all. Or will say. Or am saying now. I am put off by you, long haired older women. It's not that you're ugly (it kind of is), it's that you could look better (which really wouldn't change much in your life, you're uterus is still 80% dust). If you feel better with long hair, like a rebel or that you have a youthful spirit about yourself- cool. Think that about yourself. Just to let you know- I'm allowed to make fun of decisions. And I am making fun of you.

Oct 27, 2010

Review: The least amount of Money you can give to charity.

$200? It's more than one hundred, in fact- double more. You want more? Fine... $250. That's a 25% mark-up of the original. Good, right? It's still small, yes, compared to the other amounts being floated your way. But if you were a lesser charity it'd be a average to decent sum. What are lesser charities? The PTA? I don't know what they spend their money on. No, $250 is all I'm going to give you. It's more than the least amount of money I can give to your charity without looking cheap. Because I added $50 to my original offering, that's why. $200 is a lot of money to... hunters. Trailsmen. What do you know, you're a charity. You don't know what it's like to work for a living unless I completely lack the understand what it is you actually do. Now I said I'll give you $250. $250.50. I can do that. It sounds like a lot when you say it out loud. Really loud. Say it really loud. Yeah.

Oct 26, 2010

Reviews: Sawing a Dog in Half

There are very few clean ways to saw a dog in half. In fact, after love, decency, and not being retarded, huge messes are a popular reason given for not sawing a dog in half. But we have to be adults about this and just have to admit to ourselves that some things are just inevitable and a dog could be needed to saw in half and you can be the person to saw that dog. In half.

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Here are a few helpful tips when sawing a dog in half:

1) Accept the situation and just have fun with it!

2) Make sure it's alive. You know that saying about beating a dead horse? Well, it's like that. Plus listening to the sounds it whimpers and cries out is all the oil your sawing machine (your arm) needs to "motivate" through that dog.

3) Make sure you and people around you are properly dressed. Who wants errant dog fur on their clothes? Or dog blood. Or dog bone. Or dog organ. Or dog face tissue. Or dog unknown thick black substance that smells like diarrhea'd in toner.

4) Think of how proud you are to be a human who is capable of reaching a decision such as to saw a dog in half. This not only makes the act seem less disgusting, abnormal, and wrong, but also helps you appreciate your thumbs more.

5) Reflect on the decisions you have made in life that have led you to cut a dog in half. Was this unavoidable? If Suzy Derricks would have said yes and went with you to the Hillford Grove Fall Harvest Box Social in the 6th grade, would that have made a difference? Is killing addicting? Is addiction so wrong? Is this my dog? How proud of myself should I be right now? Sawing a dog in half is going to be one of the most personal moments of your life, only you know what you'll be thinking. So think smart- think reflexive- and pushing down beneath the chin and groin area with the palm of each hand while the dog lays on its back horizontally across your knee is the best great way to soften the spine.

Oct 25, 2010

Review: NBA Previews

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Prognostication. It's what separates us from the animals that wear human costumes. It also sells magazines and lets people think they know what the are talking about.

The NBA preview is full of cutting obvious statement short and keeping convoluted ideas in your pants. In short- previewing the NBA season is checking the internet. Staying informed is even easier when it is labeled and easy to follow. It's a way to go that I choose not to do because, 1- I don't come that easy and C) I don't make that much sense. Why should I give things straight forward, when there are so many different angles that even haven't been existed yet to go down.

But I appreciate the NBA preview. They take the time to rank players 1-to-why would the continue, all for the amusement of people who like to know the 2nd tier of backup point guards and how many decent big bodies are taking up roster space that I wish would be used on undersized wingmen. Because what is the overwhelming sentiment: Ben Gordon or Marcus Thornton? I care that Kevin Love is getting mentioned an appropriate amount. I want to hear what I already think about the Washington Wizards not going to be as good as everyone thinks.

It's like getting a new encyclopedia every year that is based on thinking and informed opinion. It's completely unnecessary unless you pay attention to it. And that's not only such a weird special present- it's about the best basketball players on the earth.

Oh,-- Miami duh.

Oct 22, 2010

WHAT MY THEME SONG SAYS ABOUT ME: The OC

Phantom Planet was just this band trying to get by. They had a debut record on Geffen in 1998 and their drummer was in a breakout star in a Wes Anderson movie. They kept trying, and low and behold- a piano driven ballad that most people found whiny seemed to perfectly compliment to teen angst.

"California" lent some credibility to a teen drama. Teen drama's are always looking to scavenge credibility. Paula Cole had a break out single and best new artist Grammy, and then turned her whiny ballad into a teen drama theme song. Phantom Planet had somewhat a cred in a non-successful artistic sense, and turned their whiny song into an one. "Right back where we started from" is such a quintessential vague line about nothing that of course teens will eat that up.

The OC really was about making teens eat out of their hands. Fox shows in general are known to give their audience what they want. Married with Children was loved by schmucks, The Simpsons panders to their nerds, Prison Break kept prison breakin'. Glee. The OC had- hot guys, hot girls, single parents, guns, indie music, spiderman references, a setting where the hot guys and girls could wear swimsuits. Having 'California' as their theme song was saying "hey, this song makes us look like we give a fuck". It worked. I usually hate things in equivalence to how much people misguidedly loved something- and I really hated The OC.

I can't be all that mad. I love making fun of this song by singing it. I mean, I don't have to add anything, this song is really funny. I mean putting that much emotion into the syllables of an already been done word like 'California'- that's funny. Some people like it, apparantly a lot of peolpe did- but I liked in my own cynical way.

It's vague and doesn't need to make sense, aka The Simpsons Did it.

Here's another Knot's Landing set to that theme song:

Here's some assholes being assholes set to the song:

Here's some asshole singing it while his mom films it:

Here's some assholes who think they're gonna make it singing it:

And finally, here's a kid singing it to a Target gift card:



Hustlers get your guns.

Oct 21, 2010

Review: Eastbound and Down: where we are now

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Do I want Stevie Janowski to be happy? That's a question I've been kicking around in my head since Chapter 10.

Stevie Janowski serves Kenny Powers. I mean that literally and figuratively. He's his sidekick and he does errands for Kenny. Because he is in 'black ops' with Kenny, Stevie is a gauge of Kenny's attitude.

Ultimately- this is Kenny's show. I don't think anyone wants it any other way. So when we see Stevie have a girlfriend and have a real moment of pathos and desperation with Kenny when requested to dump that girlfriend- I want Kenny Powers to be Kenny fucking Powers. So of course that means denying Stevie pleasure. Which, wow, I didn't know I'd feel so badly about. Part of why I feel bad is because we almost see Kenny feel bad. But we know Kenny and we know what Kenny thinks of Stevie- a punching bag of comfort.

The question is DO I WANT to see Stevie happy? At what cost is Stevie's happiness? Stevie has grown a lot by just emulating Kenny Powers. That's likely a bad thing, but serving Kenny makes him happy, right? I just don't view it that way. I just view it as Kenny Powers and the guy he keeps around to serve him. If Stevie is truly happy- does that mean he has stood up to Kenny? Does it mean he has realized just how awful a human Kenny is? Does it mean that Kenny is actually taking care of himself?

My concerns about Stevie all stem from my concrns about Kenny- a man that needs to change but I don't want to see change. Kenny is way to entertaining a spectacle for me to wish otherwise. So I project my feelings on Stevie. Which is just what Kenny does. I don't want Stevie to be unhappy- I just don't want him sidetracking Kenny. That's what a fan of a TV show wants. As a person who wants to see the good in people--- well I'm not gonna think about this.

These are fictional characters after all. Goodness knows I don't want to see any reflection of myself in these people.

Oct 19, 2010

Review: Rather Do This

I started writing about whether or not Faizura Balk is an attractive person. It hurt my head to think about. On the one hand: Nah. Uh uh. But on the other hand: Ok. And: yes?

Then I thought about the nature of celebrity and how it is within every human being's rights to have an opinion on Faizura Balk.

Then I thought that Faizura Balk not jumping on this sexy Vampire craze. Good for her.

Then I saw Vice was doing a comedy issue and read this interview with a hero, Robert Smigel.

Then I checked if Smigel was on twitter. No he isn't, but I found this. Then I thought about all the people who tried twitter and gave up, and how I did that. And I don't care that I did that or that people do that or really anything related to twitter.

Then I wrote this tweet: Basically the face #ThefundamentaldifferencesbetweenRachelRay&Fairuza Balk

Then I realized Fairuza Balk was in Return to Oz. Then I found this stupid idea someone had to take a Fairuza Balk interview form the movie and set it to the movie to- create their own audio commentary? Who is starving for commentary that badly? Wha- nevermind. Here's the video. I made it 3 minutes before shutting it off completely.

Then I looked at the person who created this video's other videos. It was disappointing in that all his videos were boring. Mostly clips of other Wizard of Oz or Alice in Wonderland or Sleeping Beauty. I did find this video funny, because it turns out that the type of person to make their own audio commentary, is the same person to make a youtube video of why they can't make a youtube video:

Then I remembered I was writing this post, and wrote this post instead.

Oct 18, 2010

Review: New Logo

Hey, do this post a favor?

Click HERE.

Cool. Now go to #11.

Thanks, that's all.

Take that DOG PAWS!

I should be proud to be #11 (not I- I didn't do anything) because there is no pomp of top ten, but hey- just about.

OK, now the post:

Things are supposed to look nicer. Look at the Minnesota Vikings Football Jersey. I will admit right now that I had nothing to do with that design and it was all a smarty pants I know named James Acklin. There, that's admitted. He deserves to be the top half of a top 30 list.

But the list itself? Who the fuck are you? I assume you don't take offense to me saying fuck, nor do even read this blog. Why am I assuming that? Well, because you didn't contact me nor the James Acklin when you created your list. You just pulled from your hosting resource. Way to take advantage of an agreement. Why am I mad even though I got free press which is more press than I've ever gotten before? Because this is silly. A purpose of this blog is to not care. So, honestly, nothing against WebAndDesigners.com, my website is just beneath you. Directly beneath you. Tickling your belly. Not in a cute way. In a distracting manner. In an act of annoyance.

So if anything, I am again proving nothing whatsoever (good job), but am forgetting that this top 30 list has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the talented person who made it. Thanks James.

Oct 15, 2010

Review: All-Time

How do you quantify something as an all time favorite? The answer is pretty easy, especially if you are comfortable with yourself. Let's use a "duh": Michael Jordan is an all-time great basketball player. A DUH. In the eyes of those who have viewed or know what basketball is and also know who Michael Jordan is, then his skills at basketball are not only great- they are great throughout history. In the 1950s, Jordan was what they dreamed they could be doing, and in the 2050s people will still be appreciating his game on entirely different levels. He's ALL-TIME great. Apply that to favorite, and it is something completely personal. You know your sensibilities and what speaks to them. A favorite that will still be with you 20 years from now, and still you wish you were aware of it sooner than you were. The "where has this been all my life", and the "let me show you this" clip. All-time.

My All-Time Favorite Clip:

I can break this down into why it pulls out certain heart-strings of mine, but that'd be selling you short. Watch it again. Title screen to establish mood. Then set-up: he's a traveling poet. Then it goes. It goes and goes and is the funniest thing in the world. At least to me. It's how I explained all-time to you. I wish I saw this clip when it first aired, to carry around like a weirdo badge of courage to say 'I was there when this happened'. I wish I will have the love for my children to show them this clip, but they'll probably be mentally handicapped, or worse, spoiled.

All-time. Things that just won't leave your consciousness. Things that trigger emotions from you. Things that are you.

Oct 14, 2010

Review: Salad Tongs

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Salad Tongs, you ridiculous bastard. Let's get one thing straight: you only slightly make it easier to grab salad. Maybe about two easier on a 1-10 scale that exists to judge the helpfulness of appliances. I mean I get it. We all get it. Squeezing. Super easy and fun to do. Tongs are great for picking most food up, but why is Salad the most popular type of Tong. Again, no one is dismissing tongs in general. Just specifically Salad ones. In fact, regular tongs do a much better job of getting salad than these pretty boy Salad Tongs.

They come in pretty vain designs to. Clear plastic? What is that supposed to make me feel better? Wooden? That's just admitting that the food you're tonging is for pussies. In terms of your variety- you suck. There's the ones that are just regular tongs and shouldn't have the word salad anywhere near them and you have the ones are 2 pieces that connect to make a shitty scissor of spoon and fork. That's just a stupid idea for a utensil that they just called a salad tong because they couldn't think of any other name that is appropriately as lame. Being called a salad tong is insulting, and you take it on the chin up your ass. Your inner-ass chin, salad tong.

It's not that I hate you (it=this post, I do hate outside of this post), this is just the most I ever thought of you, and this was the result. You can't change who you are, you're an object. That's why boobs make me respect women less and dicks make me laugh- objects. Now go, get on out of here, find someone who'll love you for whatever you are. Go on, Salad Tongs, git!

Oct 13, 2010

Review: Father Son Relationship

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Son asks Dad if a sharpie marker is permanent on skin.

Dad asks son why he needs to know that and if son has colored his own skin.

Son says he has not yet but has heard that black cocks are bigger.

Dad laughs.

Dad continues laughing.

Dad stops laughing but is still thinking about it in his mind.

Dad laughs nervously.

Son stares at dad. Son is about to repeat question. Dad interrupts.

Dad tells son not to color his dick.

Son pulls sharpie marker out of his pocket, gives it to dad.

Son sulks and goes to turn away. Dad looks on fondly.

"Son," Dad says, "I love your dick just the way it is."

Son turns and runs into dad's open arms. As they embrace son tells dad how son loves his dad's penis too.

Dad let's go of hug. Son and Dad don't speak for 20 years. Not until Mom's funeral. Son takes dad aside. Son takes sharpie marker out of pocket. Dad smiles, takes out sharpie marker from his pocket. Dad and Son simultaneously whip out their dicks to show that they are both colored in black.

"Marker is hard to get off of skin," says son. Dad cries. Funeral audience cries. Life is restored.

Oct 12, 2010

Review: NY Comic Con 2010

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I don't have any interesting pictures. Or even any interesting insight. Or even any interesting stories. Just perspective.

As this was my first Comic Con, I processed a lot of information one processes when they experience a first of something. Do I like this? Is this fun? What's that smell? Are these the people I want to associate with?

And perspective- I am not that nerdy. Nerdy in the unsocial sense. Nerdy in the fantasy sense. I mean I love the things I love to an annoying degree, but I'd like to think I'm articulate about it and I like to think that comes from being comfortable with my level of it. Comic Con- as you can assume- is the people who aren't generally comfortable with themselves in a place where they can let loose and be comfortable with themselves. That sounds good and all, but it really isn't. I'm not being cynical (no baby no). I'm just saying I didn't feel like I wanted to fit in. I mean, I don't read comic books.

Why did I go to Comic Con then? Delocated Panel. Your Highness Panel. And morbid curiosity. There was also a Butters from South Park panel, which was nothing more than a glorified commercial for a Butters DVD. But whatever, I went to it. The 2 mentioned panels were great and I got to ask a question and feel proud about it. Did you know most comic con questions are like this: What are you doing with the props/Can I have one? Can you give us spoilers on the other project you are working on? Will there be a sequel to the other project you did? Can you say hi to my girlfriend? Let me mention something obscure you did- and then can you say how that relates to nothing you're talking about?

So yeah- re-reading this, I'm pretty cynical. It comes from a good place though. A comic con. See- I just said Comic Con was a good place. Just wish I was stoned more.

Sorry for not saying anything ultimately interesting- I just learned more about myself more than anything at comic con- TALK ABOUT SELFISH. Talk about Shell Fish: they also stink.

Oct 11, 2010

Review: Being too dry

Sammy Lynn and Caranthope, her Native American Guide who can communicate with nature, are walking down the forest by the beach. Suddenly- the earth shifts and they are sucked down beneath the ground. They awake and they are completely dry.

"Caranth! I can't feel my eyes" shouted Sammy Lynn. Caranthope was slow to get up as he simultaneously assessed the situation. He mouth stuck together as he tried to talk.

"It's dry... too dry," the guide said, "Your eyes are mostly water and they are drying out. Quick- squint!"

"Carantho! My skin it feels less like it usually does!" Sammy Lynn was rubbing her arms up and down.

"Like I said dry, ok? Try, I dunno, taking off our clothes." Caranthope and Sammy Lynn both began undressing.

"CARANTHOPE!" a stream of confusion came from Sammy Lynn. "You're boner! Why would you ask me disrobe if you knew you were to have that boner for me? It is much too dry for my vagina to moisten!"

The Native paused, his mouth agape with a traffic jam of the right thing to say. The dryness made his boner seem more rugged, like a tool a cowboy would use or a middle eastern woodwind. Just then his mouth felt like he had just plopped in a tablespoon of sand. Caranthope's mouth then began to slowly deteriorate into sand. The dust crawled up his face and down his spine, spreading to the rest of his body. Her native guide, the person who shared many an adventure with Sammy Lynn, the one who has been by her side ever since Sammy Lynn's father saved Caranthope by letting the lion eat his parents instead, the one who served without complaint even when Sammy Lynn requested abortion after abortion for the two's many love children... that man was now nothing but a pile of dark red dust in an underground cave to dry to comprehend.

Sammy Lynn was calm. She walked over to the dust pile. She put her hand in it. She spread it around. She organized it into 2 separate lines. With a tear in her eye- she snorted the remains. Her eyes tuned into a series of hypotnic spins and exclamation points as her whole body became a babble. The dust pile of former Native American guide took its effect as Sammy Lynn turned into a shape of a human rocket and sparks shot out of her feet- rising up out of the underground dry cave, above the tree tops, and into the afternoon sky. BOOM! A light of fireworks across the sky, "HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY" in shimmering red sparkles.

Oct 8, 2010

How To Be An Adult: Albert Brooks in 'Lost in America'

Part of being young is learning to be older, which is why this segment exists. We've covered how to attract women like an adult before, now- this post which is being read ending my sentence now.



How to be an adult? Be awesome at not taking shit. Albert Brook's David is a bit neurotic in this movie, then he this scene happens- and that neurosis turns into a stated fury. David knows he deserves a job, but upon hearing that he doesn't he gives reasons why he deserves that job, albeit punctuated with unprofessionalism. But the way David is unprofessional is justified. Sure its a big account, and yeah David is being a bit of a baby- but can I hear a little bit about dignity? David says it himself- he gave his youth to the company and he feels betrayed. David doesn't want to succumb to a company that has done wrong by him, and he rightfully gets defiant. Played calm it could've been different- but that's not the adult I don't think anyone wants to be. Not a go 'Roll with the punches, take the compliments when they come' type of guy- but the 'I know what I am worth, and I know who I am' type of guy. Plus, we want to be able to call people bald.

David goes off after being complimented. He's either wrong, or he can tell when he is being screwed by a company he committed 8 years to. Regardless- the adult thing to do is make a decision and stand by it. David stands by it and adds 2 'fuck you's for good measure. That's how to be an adult.

RECAP on how to be an adult (Lost in America):
-know your accomplishments
-know how to turn people's words back on them
-be of quick wit
-have dignity
-commit to your decision
-make sure to use 'fuck you' as the cherry on the sundae



SPOLIER:
I love this movie, but the ending is open to interpretation. He DOES go crawling back to the company- but he does so after seeing America. Seeing what else is out there and noticing he had a sweet gig. His wife also loses all their money in a casino which deftly places a burden on their circumstance. I guess the lesson of 'Lost in America' is that of 'fuck living- it's too crazy to make any sense out of'.

Oct 7, 2010

Review: Plastic Baggies

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Plastic baggies are super practical. For lunches, crime scene clean-ups, saving farts, and even dinners or breakfasts. Ziploc has a pretty strong strangle hold on the middle america users of these miracle baggies. But drug dealers and other smart people know that there is really no difference. No fun king difference. Red and blue make purple seal, yellow and green make yellow-green seal, it's all good. In fact, off brand baggies save money and only hardly ever break. What makes Ziploc better? Well without doing any research, my only conclusion is the name. Zip-Lock. Zip, "oh its quick like a zipper and fun because it starts with a Z and I love using that letter". Lock, "it's so sturdy though because it really locks! It's in the name." Fast-securing. Good job, name-comer-uppers. You should come up with a name for name-comer-uppers if you're so good at names, you nameless figureheads my misdirected anger is aimed at.

Anyway, here is my suggestions to off-brand baggie companies for names to help take down the ziploc monopoly (the ziplocopoly):
XpressSafe (weird first letter, good word for lock)
QuickGrasper (as with the next couple, this was just synonyms for 'fast' and 'secure')
RapidGrapple (kids would love saying it)
Bag-mediate (too genius, likely already exists)
Alacrit-bound (medieval dinosaur wizard spokesman)
VigorClamp-taché (coupon for business card tie in)
Dyna-clasp (font choice is important here)
Fort Bustle Bag (Skeleton in confederate uniform, sold exclusively in South East Dollar stores)
Dash-cure (Giant made of Rock (no nose) with a hard hat on- he looks like he was jumping off a plane, and in commercials always runs... tracks starts fires? tracks start lightening? tracks start time warp and he time travels?)
HurryFirmy (advertise to women, benefit breast cancer)
BoundaWaltz (advertise to gay men, benefit Museums)
Chasta-Whiz (advertise to Christian teens, get other teens to model with bright colored shirts, have bible verse on box- doesn't matter which one)

TOP 3 NAMES:
Z-cure Zeal
-Goldilocks meets Red Riding Hood and they go to the 3 bears house. The girls put porridge in baggies and then discover that the 3 bears are dressed as Grandma. Cut to: cut up pieces of the girls in baggies in the bear's fridge. (different size bags angle)

Wind Beneath My Baggie
-Clouds, stratus not nimbus, shown. Women voice-over says anything (touching on subjects of love, mortgage rates, accepting your age). Sun going down. Tack on line: 'make sure your plastic bags are secure, choose (title screen dissolves in with harp music) Wind beneath my baggie.'

ZimPlox
-Do the exact same thing as ziploc, but with different race of actors.

Oct 6, 2010

Review: Abstract Realism

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The horse bridled its saddle, and left out a snort so loudly that it mussed the Cyclops' hair over its eye. "I know you're used to wearing the saddle, rather than put it on- but this is ridiculous," quipped the Cyclops pausing an exact 6 seconds for laughter, a laughter too far off to be heard.

Taking off one of his eyelashes, lighting it with his heat vision, and then smoking it- the horse thought to himself, "I know I can talk, I just need to have confidence, I know I can do it." The smoke off the horse's eyelash cigarette caused a wax to build-up around the sides of the Cyclops' eye.

The Cyclops raised his calloused fingers and with his index and thumb pinched off the wax, whipping it to the ground. The wax started moving and magically shot up- "Freedom! Freedom! My hunchbacked is now carrying the weight of freedom!" The wax then ran out of the crashed spaceship that was in the shape of a neckerchief that was acting as the cave for the 2 mismatched mothers-to-be, the cyclops and the horse.

"Is that what birth looks like?" was what the horse tried to say, but what came out was, "I was raped by the Eiffel Tower," and a biting of the Cyclops.

Bleeding to his death, with a faint smile mapped across his lower lip and a 9 inch by 9 inch tear in his eye, the Cyclops was stunted by the horse's first words. Throughout their time together, the Cyclops' affinity for the horse grew drabbier and draubier, but this sign of life- the Cyclops knew the horse was going to be ok. "When you say 'by'," the Cyclops sputtered, "do you mean 'near' or do you mean the Eiffel Tower came to life and fucked you?"

The tear dropped to the ground simultaneously as the 17 month pregnant horse's water broke. Washed away were the centipede scrotums that were the currency of this parallel universe, the Easy Bake Oven Instructions the Cyclops claimed to have tattooed on his ankles now became a smear across his glorious limb. The horse was distracted by the semi-tide of their human fluids and felt no pain. From the ground, the Cyclops convulsing in horse bite pain, had a one-of-a-kind view of the horse's birthing canal. She saw a mini-Eiffel tower, its tip puncturing horse vagina, its intricate sides entwined by horse hair.

The horse put out the eyelash cigarette. There would be no fall semester this fall semester. There would be no innocence to speak of.

Oct 5, 2010

Review: Kirstie Alley as a Brand

Why this...
http://celebsforsale.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/kirstie-alley-organic-liaison.jpg


When this...
http://evilbeetgossip.film.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/gallery_enlarged-kirstie-alley-eating-01-500x703.jpg


Jews for Jesus is off the hook and sense has officially jumped the shark.

(editor's note: We here at Dumb Reviews apologize for offending everyone by posting a picture of Kirstie Alley. It was artistic integrity but we knew her face is offensive to most if not all if not god)

Oct 4, 2010

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: When My Wife Fell Asleep Week 2

Add VideoI am a nut about sketch comedy. A big ol nut, dripping nut sauce on an area designed to receive such a sauce. That's why I watch SNL. Not because it's good. But because there is a promise that maybe I might find something good in it. Take this week for example: I noticed how brilliant Fred Armisen executes his saxophone cues in 'What's Up with That' or the controlled face acting of Bobby Moynahan in the cold open and in the Anthony Crispano desk piece. FUN STUFF.

But mostly, SNL sucks. That's why I never talked much about it before despite my detailed watching. That's changed because, man, do I need to fill content.

So I'll say a couple of things I liked, and noticed, and how much I think Bill Hader will win an Oscar in the 2040s, and then I'll mention when my wife well asleep during it (to be fair- she has class on Sundays and has to wake up at 7) (to be fair to her class- she loves me and wants to spend time with me). I am not going to say anything bad about the show (well..) because I know people are trying and everyone else knows its bad.

OK- I already mentioned some things I like. I also like Bryan Cranston. He really is the only reason to watch the last couple seasons of Malcolm in the Middle and the episode where Hal becomes a painter is something to seek out. Also Breaking Bad- genius, wrenching, compliments, cancer, strong turn, really?, provokes, commitment, job well done. So I had higher hopes, which only makes for a even more bloody and mangled crash against the rocks of reality f SNL. So- Vanessa Bayer, you are being watched- way to make a repeated joke funny. Hopefully they won't make you do that 4 times this season. Some bias here: Fred Armisen singing. He has such a parody presence of performers singing. His commitment to detail is something to watch for every single week. He made the best sketch of the night, Bjelland Brothers, perfectly ridiculous. There was also a Tim Burton dig about adapting Goodnight Moon, which ruined another Goodnight Moon thing I wrote. But that's personal.

My wife fell asleep during that best sketch of the night. Which is kind of decent for her. She usually makes it to the first performance. But she lasted thru weekend update, and got to here a couple refraind of "I sent a bottle of sparkling a-pple juice to your house.... didya getit?" which, if anything, rocked her to sleep.

Rocked her. Rockter. ROCKTOBER. This month. The world.

Oct 1, 2010

LET'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGE OF!: Hey, IMDB updated?


I guess you were tired of being a mere data-base and decided to give into Hollywood marketing bull shit. I mean you had an air of 'nerds doin drab industry work'. Now you have that same feeling but with a schmeer of douchebag to your name. Whatever- like I ever visit your homepage anyway (if I did, I would find out such useful info as whats on TV, whats in theaters, and whose birthday it is- those aren't bad things to know by any means, just that you have so much more to offer than a homepage).

IMDB changed- for the better? Probably, but they've been so... so- upright all this time that a change is taking time getting used to. The key to IMDB has always been the information. Which is still there. So in order to properly talk about it, I should use an example- let's look at the IMDB page of Omarion.

1. I searched from the homepage- look at the first result I got: http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=OMARION

2. The rest of the post:

At Quick Glance We See:
His picture is blurry. The initial picture of the actor is quite larger than old IMDB, so if they didn't update the picture- they just stretched it out. It's very tacky, but still its very Omarion. The bios on IMDB are now more prevalent so now we can really know Omarion was in B2k and that B2k actually stands for something (boys of the new millenium- the B stands for boys).

The worst feature on new imdb is basically you have to scroll just a little bit more. So that just proves how lazy I am. They also have larger font, which makes me feel like an idiot for some reason. Also Omarion has 12 acting credits. I am more surprised that I had an opinion on the number of acting credits than I was surprised there weren't more acting credits.

15 Minutes into the Page:

I found out Omarion has a biography? Which you can buy NEW for 2.59, or used for one penny.

Good news is that if you click on a link to go deeper into IMDB, you get the old sidebar back! And Omarion has trademarks! If you click this link, it actually says- under TRIVIA- that he "is African-American".

The KEYWORDS for Omarian prove that again, he is black, he does many award shows, and that Character-name-in-the-title is #1 keyword for him means he does a lot of personal appearances and isn't really an actor.

People are the Best:
He's a sex object- oh. Makes sense now. So it makes sense why I know his name, because crazy fans actually generate money. Like this fan who wanted to know about Omarion's safety when they heard there was an attack in Glasgow and London. There was a terrorist attack where people surely died, and the first thing you can think of is if Omarion is safe? He wasn't even relevant then, let alone ever. I shouldn't be getting mad or whatever emotion I am conveying. He is a teen idol for a certain group in the mid 2000s. Let's look closer at one of these fans: On this thread, I found Omarion super fan ladyboose10. Most of her posts are about Omarion, and her opinion of him ranges from rage at unrelated posts to defensively misspelling to deep sentiments of "i think he is so so so so so so so fine so fine it drives me crazy". Her name is Verhonda. I'd call her Vertoyota and Verlandrover if I knew her personally.


SEE- even though IMDB has changed, I proved to myself that I can still have a good time making fun of the people who use it. Thanks me. You're the I'm the best.

Sep 30, 2010

Review: Your Dad on the Internet

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBOWjJ8gFtb5GcsVJkJuGgsEFDrLr8yDLhD2CClL5goYCnJOUhpB0MTofI2qXXINabn7HyZAzgW8Ov5jIRWzfoib3wBlGm96xwtdx6JN7ewyiiT0l5m2grbHUd_JbNMYPbh7-rgdKdqwo/s1600/1995+dad+and+mom.jpg

"Hon, I'm about to hit send.... no I didn't ask him about that... I'm gonna hit send anyway... I already hit it..... It's gonna be 54 degrees tonight.... No, just cloudy.... well, I'm checking sports now... I don't know how to open a new tab... I know I should've asked him how in the e-mail but I already hit send.... google it? Is that the search in the top bar?.... Hey Tony Curtis died.... Tony Curtis.... you like him.... 'Some Like It Hot'... 'Spartacus'.... he was in 'Bad News Bears Go to Japan'... No, I'm reading this on Yahoo!.... because it's our homepage. I can just click home it's easier.... they probably have the same listings as Google... Sorry, I'm still looking at Sports... No that is not code for porn... No don't come in here.... What do you mean it stays on the computer forever?.... well I don't..... I DON'T.... you looked at the history?.... Keith showed you how?.... So I play online poker.... So I play online beer pong... So I play online cock fighting.... How do you logout of Facebook?.... No I don't use it for that.... So I used a younger picture of me... it says I'm married to you on it.... No I said 'on it'... I can become a fan of 'wearing your seat belt improperly for comfort'.... you wanna see what Lady Ga-gah is wearing, it's better than the last one.... Well what if I do find her attractive?.... Well maybe you should dress like that... oh no, hone, you're thinking of Kerry Perry."

Sep 29, 2010

Review: Double O

The Double O (or oo) has made much the cultural impact in the 21st century. It has established itself a leader in the double letter contingency. Where would yahOO or gOOgle be without the sheen of the double 0. It simultaneously is dirty and youthful, yet safe and benign (see schOOl). The double o is in other words, but I feel like I've made my point in those 3 words previously given.

Now to state my point again, repeatedly. The double o is an important cultural letter repetition of the new millennium. The double o lOOks gOOd, and makes word more fun in a looking at bOObs fort of way. The double o is trust, in it you will find enlightenment.

Let's double o-ify some words:
Teen Pregnancy--- teen proognancy
alligator attack--- croocoodoole ootoock
signifier of the apocolypse--- signooofoor oof thoo apoocoolypse

Point made. Point made again: Yahoo! and Google! are smarter people than us. They stumbled upon perfect word to define and have an ease to say. The basic format for success is the OO (or double o). That's why Bing sucks.

(amount of sense in this post: 12) (amount of time taken in this post: less than) (amount of balloons to make a pound: more of)

Sep 28, 2010

Review: Facebook



Hopefully, you can read this. This is a response when a Christian Film group I follow on Facebook asked its members what it felt about the movie 'Machete'.

No, I can't believe I found this person existing. The way people use Facebook right? Facebook means so much a different thing to people. For me- it means making fun of chumps. For Gaelic, it means friending spammers to increase the friend count and list friends they actually like as family members on their profile.

Oh. Good gracious.