Mt St Helen's Vietnam Band - S/T

Thank you for choosing BloohHoef Cigarettes- the only cigarettes made from cigar ashes! With your purchase you are apart of something groundbreaking. Literally- with your money, we plan on building a specially designed hammer that is designed to break different types of ground (wet hills, beach front, some gravel parking lots). With that broken ground we hope to ruin the lawns of our competition. And while they are fixing that- BloohHoef- plans to videotape it and put it on YouTube with circus music in the background. Our promise is: we don't care how we make our cigarettes. As long as you're addicted- it doesn't matter that we piss on our cigarettes or actually put ashes from a cremated cancer (well former cancer) patients. It doesn't matter that people who have smoked BloohHoef experience the following syptoms: stretches of freak strength, cargo pant addiction, shrunken pinky toes, enlarged wrists, non-uterial pregnancy, turning into snow, and the desire to smoke other brands of cigarettes (also death, but why be a bummer?)... We at BloohHoef know- you want to smoke and don't mind paying however much you're willing- thats why all our prices are negotiable based on your desperation. So if you like the smooth taste of horse shoulder and the chalk that shows the yardage lines in football- meet me in most alley's after calling me and allowing me 4 to 5 hours to get there (we accept pie as payment)

Chili Jingle: Albatross Albatross Albatross

I hate Groundhog's Day: Only cuz I know what it is

we are Timmy and God and us are like 'this'

http://blogs.sfweekly.com/shookdown/2009/01/last_night_the_state_reunion_a.php

The State is what Obama's hope means to me. Just them working together doing new material, is enough to.. enough to... hold on... I can't do this. I just can't. I remember being happy. I remember fields of steel and lamposts glowing cotton colors to abused food. I sit alone here, and I just wish to hope to wonder... its the shadow's cast and how things don't grow in the dark. If I ever am to be a better person I must choose: follow The State or forge my own path? The road is dark and Washington generals.

Kevin Allison: I loved you most of all

Adidums: they have 4 stripe

Dum Dum Girls - S/T

I lost my tickets to Tim and Eric Awesome Tour... I made a post telling you this because sometimes I "crisis" all over the place and its the only thing on my mind. Remind me to say that Al-Qada or Paul Blart crisised all over America... g2g buuuuuuhye

Jeans that fit: Catholicked

Pinstripes in the '00s: like Studio Apartments

Leo Abrahams - The Grape and the Grain

OK, this is a thought process from a typical college intern getting to do an overnight radio show at an adult contemport radio station that he thinks is really cool but in reality is your dad in his mid to late 30s when he wore sandals and wanted to fuck high school chicks via being cool as this radio station (special thanks to Jame Sack who isn't a typical meat and potatoes):

"ok first i played 2 old song and then kt tunstall so you think im kinda wussy but no- angels and airwaves is so alt and edgy of me but i got cred cuz the white stripes people say they like and kaiser chiefs are kinda different alt but im still old school cuz i played the ramones and oasis is older and it shows i have heart so death cab will follow that nicely cuz now you think i'm deep but whoa dont forget i still rock with panic at the disco and the zutons but thievery corporation someone told me id like so i played it and los campesinos i just heard of so there is yr new music, but heres a girl singer so you think im arty and the kooks i've heard of and liked and now think they're the best... WHOA its 1 am i'll just play my jerk off mix til 2, then finish up with my dad's jerk off mix... wait why is my dad's jerk off mix shorter than mine... i guess he only cumz once, well i do too, but it take 58 minutes to get a full erection for me... now I think if I just shit about 4 pounds on your chest, halfway to my goal of weighing less than you"

TRUE STORY!

post NHL all star celebration: Ends Meet

Milan Lucic: were you there?

Cryptacize - Mythomania

In honor of the song "The Wrestler" by Spruce Stringbean being ssssznubbed by the Oscars: I present you the lyrics to the song, so you can see just how great the song really is. Oh, and I changed one word in each line.

Have you ever seen a one trick pony in the closet so happy and free?

If you've ever seen a one faced pony then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making his molestation down the street?
If you've ever auditioned a one-legged dog then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every margin
Then you've wet me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it fucks the floor

Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything medical?

Catalouge me can you ask for anything more?

Have you ever seen a scarecrow swapping with nothing but dust and wheat?

If you've ever blown that scarecrow then you've seen me

Have you ever seen a one-armed man punching at sapience but the breeze?

If you've ever seen a one-armed man then you've seen retrogression

Then you've seen me, I come and bookmaking at every door

Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I adjudicated before

Then you've seen me, bet I can make you waste when the blood, it hits the floor

Dissemble me, friend, can you ask for anything more?

Tell me can abrograters ask for anything more?

These things that have unsoiled me, I drive away

This place that is my elastic I cannot stay

My only confabulation's in the broken bones and bruises I display

Have you ever seen a one-legged man trying to corn his way free?

If you've ever seen a one-checkered man then you've seen me

SHUT UP AND LET MEAT GO!

New Balance Shoe Slogan: One Block Wonders

A new use for Bandanas: makeshift cigar

Here We Go Magic - S/T

Remember that part in Wizard of Oz where they _______? And ____ says to _____ " __________"? What the ____ was _____? But really, you know, _____ was thinking ______________. Totally. ______ made Wizard of Oz ______.   It was _______ who ______ ________ _______ without ________. Politically, _______ serves as the _______ to ______. Nevermind the ______, _______, or _____; the ______ of the movie __ __________ ________. So thats why I think Hotel for Dogs is the next great _____/

Internal Plumbing Lament: Tunnelvision

Read the last post: it'll get lost in shufflez

MOVIES DO

Ok, I know I don't usually do multiple posts in one day (multipurposes post day) and hell (or fuck) I'm not even using a picture and am talking in a more normal tone, How Are You Doing - I Am Fine.

Oscar nominations are Thursday morning. It is Wednesday night. The thing about me is: I love Oscars. I love 'em. I'd fan their frou. Lock that baby in a baby dog cage. Shonter the olium to the turuvium of Buntchenswaffer. I ENJOY OSCAR BUZZ.

So here now here- is 3 groupings of 7 categories that will ultimately explain itself without me explaining so.

Best Picture

*who will win: 

Slumdog Millionaire - too much good will and precursor awards (could get tripped up if Oscar tries to be cool, which they do to be dicks- see Brokeback Mountain)

*who I'm rooting for: 

Curious Case of Benjamin Button - it made me cry, and 15 years ago it would've been a shoe in, it didn't make me cry

*who would win if the world were pure as I:

Step Brothers - there was such a heightened level of buffonary to it I've never felt before. It was a version of 'The Parent Trap" with swearing and straight out balls in forcing you to accept these characters and let them take you to absurd places and feelings. Plus I love sentences.

Best Director

*who will win: 

Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire- an artsy, mainstream film + a deserved director (Fincher could win cuz that movie was all about visual and storytelling)

*who I'm rooting for:

Darren Aronosky, The Wrestler- too put that much trust and get that much out of your actors and still maintain a indie charm plus showing such heart from such a brute subject- ku+dos

*who would win if the world were pure as I:

David Wain, Role Models- Wain Drain given a shot with studio money- nails it! Takes so-so plot and turns it on its ass gloriously.

Best Actor

*who will win: 

Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler- seriously, did you see this?

*who I'm rooting for: 

Richard Jenkins, The Visitor- just a personal favorite actor nailing a leading man role. Doesn't overplay anything just plays human emotion so perfect.

*who would win if the world were pure as I:

Danny McBride, The Foot Fist Way- "Let me think about that for a second. Ok, I've thought about it and I think my answer to that question would have to be "fuck you". I don't care if you wake up in a ditch with grown men shitting on you and jumping on top of your head. Maybe your nose will turn into a big ole dick and you can stroke that all the time. I hope your hair turns into dog shit one day. You wake up and you run your comb through it and all that it is, is little trundles of dog shit. The worst shit that you could imagine. AIDS... it's cool. Everything comes around sweetheart."

Best Actress

*who will win/who I'm rooting for/who would win if the world were pure as I: 

Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road - all the conventions of the house wife stuck in house role but with such intensity and overdue actressy

Best Supporting Actors

*who will win: I don't wanna say Heath Ledger, y'know cuz he's dead, but he has all the precursor awards but I just don't feel Oscar giving the Joker the award, so by default- Josh Brolin in Milk, but its ganna be Heath

*who I'm rooting for: Robert Downey Jr, Tropic Thunder - the fact that he's getting Oscar buzz and he's very likely to get a nomination for a comedy such as this, also the fact that he's brilliant and this character/performance will be around for years/and I'm finishing sentences like such as

*who would win if the world were pure as I: Jack Black was crazy underrated in Be Kind Rewind, and Michael Shannon should totally be nominated for being that crazy in Revolutionary Road, and I so wanna say the crazy Rob Corddry in Harold and Kumar, but the craziest of the crazy Tom Noonon as Sammy in Synecdoche, NY (which was my second choice in every character save for this one).... he brings too much weird energy and a somewhat reasonable voice in such unreasonable ways

Best Supporting Actress

*who will win: 

between Winslet the Reader and Penelope Cruz the Vicky Cristina Barcelona--- not a strong year for Supporting Actress

*who I'm rooting for: Viola Davis, Doubt -  I like it when people win for only 1 scene and boy did sister have a scene

*who would win if the world were pure as I: Catinca Untaru, The Fall - she basically isn't acting but its so works cuz for her too play this role this real and to be this cute making this movie as real as it did--- poof!

Best Original Song

*who will win: Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler" - the Acadmy tries to look cool in this category (Once, Eminem, 3 6 Mafia, nominating South Park) and they think Bruce will make them look cool, cuz it will

*who I'm rooting for/who would win if the world were pure as I: (these 2 groupings would be more similar you'd think, but I'm a realist, but I feel so passionate about this getting recognized for its greatness): 'Love Take Me Down (to the Street)' from Role Models--- ok its not eligable (but Broken and Bent from this movie is)--- but dammit this song was crazy spot on for being a fake Wings song... and it was a  hilarious joke in the movie. Take that Regina Spektor song from Chronicles of Narnia.

Ok, I'm done being like that. I just wanted to call it before Oscar does. 

later dick ducks

Blackout Beach - Skin of Evil

Hi, my name is Edgar... and, and... and I have a shadow fetish. It started in 5th grade during recess after the cafeteria served personal pan pizzas. Now their personal pan pizzas are different from when they serve regular pizza, their regular pizza is better and has more of an overall zap to it, while the personal pan pizza is 60% crust and has a sense of 'giving-up' by the cafeteria staff. So during recess, which is right after lunch, I was terribly sick in the stomach, and proceeded to hold it causing myself to look down. And that day I looked down was the day I was introduced to shadows. How they grow and shrink. How they angle. How they have an umph degree of cooler air. And how the mystery of the dark- the nakedness of the shape- and the humanizing bond we all share when are shadows intertwine... dayum.... oh hot dayum...OH MY...Gawd! Yea......  o I'm sorry! Was I masturbating again? So sorry, so sorry... well, eee, that's embarrassing... so have y'all decided what you wanna order?

Song inside Mount Vesuvius: Three Men Drown in the River

Male Shoulder Pads: Statement!

Birdy Nam Nam - Manual for Succesful Rioting

Inaugural Speech Drinking Game

take a drink if:
Barack sneezes
they mention the bible size
they begin a sentence with "Well..."
The kids look uncomfortable
The crowd chants interuppting someone speaking
You see someone in the crowd crying
Anyone sit downs
you have similar pants to Barack

Take 2 drinks:
it starts snowing at a beautiful moment
the broadcaster talks about how the stage looks
nip slip
you see a black celebrity (5 drink if they're been dead)
anytime someone says George W Bush's name
anytime someone says Grimace from McDonald's name
if you find yourself clapping
anytime their is use of 'allusion'
you aren't at work
if you have ever blamed your parents for anything



finish the bottle:
assassination attempt



what? I said attempt.


a song that has a name: Love Your Enemy (Kill Your Friend)
future car: mini tanks

Our Negro President

why isn't this on more blogs? why isn't AD Miles more famous? How does peeling feel on your insides?

This year, I tell ya

Loose Juice from Zeus as a Moose's Caboose. And so, with words, I will now say things I am looking forward to in 2009 (some are real, summer homes):

-new menu at Happy Garden at Graham and McKibbin (yea right)
-musically: Fertile Crescent, Arms, Happy Hollows, Himalayan Bear, Home Blitz, Neko Case, Black Nasty's Shark Tank
-giving up on this blog, and then coming back 2 weeks later
-what Ralph Nader will wear
-fantasy baseball drafts
-the edible map fad
-Visioneers
-fixing my lap pain
-web postings about the filming of the Arrested Development movie
-future catch phrases- "thats a nursery's worth", "that can fit in a shot glass", others
-a scathing report on why saying a state in front of foods make them sound delicious; ie Wisconsin Cheddar, Iowa Taffy, Idaho Potitlos, Alaska Baked Vomit, Washington Residents, New Mexico Pan Fried Pea Smears, Colorado Preservative Gel Powder
-THE MOTHERFUCKING STATE ON GODDAYUM DVD
-The regular The State on DVD
-naming a hill 'Moses' and writing a song about Moses Hill and how I pissed on those teens there
-Pam not marrying Jim (calling it)
-right after this post I'm ganna see if there are any youtube videos of people acting like Scrooge McDuck doing Trapped in the Closet
-the next Trapped in the Closet
-people saying the Watchmen was a better book, and no one caring
-people saying that Where the Wild Things Are was a good movie, and everyone caring
-my streak of never watching the sunrise end when I find out that sunrise is prime time to rob graves
-improper, yet hilarious, usage of fishing poles
-" " of teeth whitener
-" " of Wembley Stadium
-whatever Glaser does
-honestly, I'm tired, and I really want to just get 2009 over with, cuz I am tired of saying two thousand and next year we can say twenty ten, and that'll save so much time

Timber Timbre - Medicinals

SO- In conclusion (Conclusion, Mississippi)- here are some "New" Year's "Resolutions" I have. (Guess which one is real!!)

-anytime I have a glass and there are more than 5 people in the room, make a toast to good hair health
-do everything I possibly can to be exactly like 'Harris' from Freaks and Geeks
-actually put a windshield in my car
-instead of saying "me too", point to myself then show 2 fingers
-forget all the words to "Forever Young"
-make a website dedicated to deciding what is better to fill a balloon with: chili sauce or chili powder
-sell all of those 3-in-1 coathanger/lice detectors/fake diploma makers that I made
-finish that Ocean I started
-hold me like the river Jordan

-convince myself that my all time favorite song is the montage song from Wet Hot American Summer (show me the fever/into the fire/taking it higher and higher---- beauty boner)

-make an action that can be described as 'shelling' someone

-make more fake maps

-untame something (lion? norse hen?)

-get the Playschool brand to accept all those harnesses I designed

-less deciding if I want to sit or stand, cuz those conversations just drag on and on and really about an insignificant thing on sitting or standing I mean I'm a young fertile turtle with a million shampoos left, I can't jib about standing vs sitting when in my heart, my pure crystalized unhinged heart, I know I want to sit

-get you to read my blog more

That accurately describes temperature change: Like A Mountain

is listing lazy writing: no its lazy (lady) reading (reazing)

Harry Pussy - You'll Never Play This Town Again

The word for false advertising is 'false advertising'. We got lazy with that one. In all our infinate letter combinations and the way we just make the same combination of letter/pronunciation have different meanings. We couldn't shorten 'false advertising',  we like calling it that. We like being that literal. False Advertising. I can shorten that right now- falsver. Flad. Alsy-Tisey. But no, we never thought of saying anything shorter than False Advertising. We shortened happy to joy, and other examples I don't feel like remembering. Ask the Japanese why don't we.

excitement thru appealing: Peace of my ass

Chinese Dog: don't go there

Animal Collective - Merriweather Post You've Heard It

Yea, uh um uh er ah ya gah fah uh sah saab ssss ssa er ut ua uq kah kahmah nah daaa fer faa hu HU ler omma ya uh er uh er ta ha uh haah wagagawa. Sibbi huh gra ra da ma da na da huh hidda viovo vocararo ji jy jo klowen riii ertty derfty saza xaxco ir firtgern lynken bikin mitter fon fo. Sha laca ook eee ter fug tag bortiyua ah na hak ain griimtona. liggg reeeeeeeew rewede ath holknih minchwerg, Ooozem Robzxen riiguh qweradda meretgah sas uh juh juh ebbbber sclow iffanet aann ay. Yea uh errr um er.

glovio stoin tomyp: Daily Routine

I'll start back up: starting today