Looking Into: Is Ben Wyatt Really a Stern fan?

Watch Clip Here

Part of what makes Parks and Recreation such a wonderful show is the believability, depth, and full-realization of the characters. However, upon being reminded of this clip of a drunk Ben Wyatt going on camera and mustering the Howard Stern salute of 'Baba Booey' I was left wandering if it really makes sense for Ben to be a Howard Stern fan.

Let's look quickly at another Baba Booey from NBC's Thursday Night Lineup: Dennis Duffy. I can't find the clip online but basically, Dennis is being awarded for saving someone in the subway-

Dennis: Thank you Mayor Bloomberger. I accept this honor on behalf of every… Stern rules! Baba Booey!


Now, Dennis is a  much sleazier guy than Ben. That should not distract us from each character's delivery of the message. Dennis is clearly the center of attention in his "Baba Booey", stopping in a middle of a press conference to fulfill some promise to himself about being on TV. Ben Wyatt on the other hand is  almost blackout drunk. In this state, after being in front of this TV crew for quite some time and having familiarity with them, we find Ben in a very relaxed state. Ben's "Baba Booey" is a more letting his guard down because this is him trying to be funny. Whereas a more classic Stern 'Baba Booey' salute is meant to be more at the expense of the media outlet, Parks and Rec deftly references uses pop culture to make a character more human.

So to answer the question- Is it believable that Ben Wyatt is a Howard Stern fan? Definitely yes. Ben Wyatt was a hot shot 18 year old who ran for Mayor. He is currently breaking a government rule and dating a co-worker. And now that they have introduced Ben's Stern fan side, there is a clearer picture of just how much darker, mellow, and real the character is.

It goes to show that you shouldn't be surprised that anyone ever likes the Howard Stern show. It's a smart, insightful, and very entertaining wealth of information. By being a Stern fan- Ben Wyatt went from 'kind of prudish' to 'guy who's just dealing with life'.  I don't believe we'll see anymore of Ben's Howard Stern side, I'd find it totally believable that that phase of his life is over (He does seem to enjoy Crazy Ira and the Douche though).

There is room for argument here: was Ben just saying 'BabaBooey' because he just knows thats what you are supposed to say to the camera? NO, I say. That's kind of bush league writing, aka something Family Guy has done in, of course, a throwaway flashback gag. The Parks and Rec team are too smart to toss just throw a moment like that.

There you have it: answering a question no one asked and providing a long answer while taking a quick dig at Family Guy. Welcome back, blog.

Claptrap

It's actually claptrap. One word. Go ahead. Type it into word. It won't be red-underlined. Redunderlized. Claptrap means "absurd or nonsensical talk or ideas". I think it was also a popular pony name in the 1800s.

Is this a word worth reviving? No. I honestly thought it would mean trapping something through clapped hands. Like a bug. But when the hands make the audible clap sound, I'd guess that would kill it. So then I thought, it meant leading someone to a trap with clapping, then a trap that would would fence you in with walls of sounds of claps. Then I figured it meant vagina, because there is so much slang for vagina. I'd imagine a phrase to be 'a dusty old claptrap'. All these are better than the actual word for claptrap.

Claptrap should actually mean trapping claps. Like a chinese finger trap for the whole hands. Or a vacuum that sucks out sound. Those things already exist, though. Those fur things Russians use to warm their hands. To me that's a claptrap. And creating an environment that dilutes the audible quality of the clap to silence is basically just being louder than clapping.

Examples:

Claptrap

AND

Also, a claptrap.

I hope we learned 2 things today. That you don't have to care what words actually mean, and most words can refer to a vagina.

Actually Acceptable in a NY Subway: Blowing Bubbles

New York Subways are hilarious. Hilarious for the fact that this is literally millions of people's mode of transportation and we all hate it. The rest of America uses their ride to work to unwind, relax, let out some steam, etc. New Yorkers use a public service and just share a space with strangers they'll never talk to and just be miserable.

On the plus side, you can get away with a lot on the NY subway- right homeless people? (sidenote- the internet doesn't make fun of homeless people enough- they can be super annoying and they can't defend themselves over the internet). In this bi-annual semi-quartley feature, we look at one thing anyone can get away with on the subway. This time: Blowing Bubbles.

Soap bubbles. It's a very innocent thing. So innocent that I've seen a little girl do this on a semi-crowded F train on a Friday night, and my initial thought was: 'how cute'. A quick scan of the rest of the train car and no one seemed to mind at all. The bubbles didn't stray pass a 2 feet from the blower, plus it was refreshing to see a happiness on the train. This would still be acceptable on a crowded subway, granted the little girl was sitting and in no danger of spilling the bubble solution, because honestly people wouldn't notice and if they did- it's soap bubbles.

An adult would still be able to get away with blowing bubbles. If I saw a grown person consciously blowing bubbles, be it for their enjoyment or to sell something or to even annoy the rest of the train, I could put up with that. People listening to music is 10 times as annoying as being touched by a bubble. Again- the blower must have a secure handle on not spilling the solution. I can't stress that enough. If that sticky water spills you crossed the threshold into irreversible asshole. Why? Because people had to move.

It would be weird to see a bunch of people blowing bubbles on a crowded subway train. Then after about 2 minutes it wouldn't be. Then after another 2 minutes, you'd be amused by other people who just got into the car's initial reactions. Then after another 2 minutes, you'd pretty much forget about it.

One final note: this is in no way affiliated with blowing bubble gum. Do not do that on the subway. It's something in your mouth that you are showing to people. Less crowded cards with a buffer of an empty seat on each side- whatever. But if I'm sitting next to someone blowing a bubble, that messes with my peripheral vision. It makes me conscience and aware of an imminent-ish danger. So if you're gonna blow a bubble- blow bubbles instead.

END

Review: US Women's Soccer's Popularity

I don't understand you, US Women's Soccer. You're hardly the best a) because you're soccer and b) because you're played by women.

A) Soccer isn't america's sport. It's the world's sport sure, but we have Football. And baseball. Sports that have more violence and strategy and ridiculous field equipment. You're just shorts and a shirt running around a field with a ball. Boring.

B) Women are great at sports. That is a fact because any person who trains and dedicates their lives to a particular field, they are going to be great at it. I am not saying women are bad at sports. I'm saying no one watches women play sports. The WNBA, the most popular female league with its own huge stars and great athletes- they have to sell advertisements on their jersey to make money. There is a women's football league no one cares about (I know this because I lived closed to the stadium where The Pittsburgh Passion played). The Las Vegas team is named the ShowGirlz and the Memphis team just goes by Memphis Women's Tackle Football.

Those are points. I'm not upset about it being popular. I just don't understand it. Maybe its just a case of American pride in international competition coupled with a strong marketing push to interest us in a fringe sport. Like how The Williams Sisters are the most popular female athletes because they dominate their sport. It's good for the sport. Regardless- Abbie Wambach and Hope Solo are fun names to say. The world can always use more fun names.

Alternate Lines: "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown."

"Remember, Jake. We happen TO BE IN Chinatown."

"Damn that's some Chinatown there, ain't it Jake?"

"Chinatown... RIGHT?"

"Of all places, Jakey, Motherfucking Chinatown."

"Chinatown you bastard!!!!! Ok, let's go."

"I've heard of Chinatown before, but this is ridiculous!"

"You wanna rush in there- scoop her brains back in her head, keep that grandfather from probably raping that kid, return the town's water supply, grab the headlines, and have your nose cosmetically repaired? Well you can't. This is Chinatown. Everything's out of sorts here."

"Hahahaha.... oh man. Chinatown" (shakes heads) "You coming, Jake?"

Cowboy Humor

What do you call a city slicker on a horse?

-Whatever name was on the credit card he used to pay you for that privilege

Why do city slickers drink so much milk?

-There are many factors at play: the dairy council's strong pull within congress, a psychological instinct of not being mothered enough that has developed from the daily fear of not providing for their family, and for the fact that us cowboys are so good at our jobs that cattle are abundant and prosperous

How does a city slicker shoot a pistol?

-Through training and practice

Where do city slickers buy cowboy hats?

-Places that have receipts

What Gay Marriage Brings To the Table

Just like immigrants, we welcome Gay marriage to New York. Now that the state has legalized Gay Marriage, the Gay community has a lot to look forward to as homosexuality becomes more accepted as normal.

-Gay Divorce: Divorce rates are sky the high. Gay people aren't immune to that fact. They also face real problems and disagreements. Do I expect the gay divorce rate to be any greater than the current one? Well, I don't care. Everyone do what you want to do.

-Gay Gold-Diggers: There are old, rich, and gay people. Old, rich, and gay are fairly common traits to be found, so there is a huge overlap between those vague descriptions. Plus, there are just assholes in the world. I am not saying gay people are assholes, I am saying that gay people are people. And a lot of people are assholes. They'll be gay gold diggers, and they'll probably think of a new term for that. Even though they don't have to. Gold Dickers?

-Gay Estranged Spouses: It could be good for their marriage. Shit happens.

-Less pride parades: Everyone gets it- you're allowed to be gay. It's cool that you're proud of it. But parades are annoying. Married people don't worry about parades, they worry about living life. I'm just saying that being gay is normal and no big deal (and I'm sorry if it is a big deal to you, but it's just who you are). Celebrate if you want to, but it's not an alternative lifestyle. It's just life.

- Gay Complacency: that's nothing new to anyone. They'll just be more movies about it with gay couples. Which is great. Goodness knows how Hollywood revels in cliches. Pretty soon they'll have a standard studio sitcom where the only difference is that its a gay couple. It won't be unfunny because they're gay. It'll be unfunny because its a standard studio sitcom.

That's it. 5 things. I'm happy for everyone.

Top Ten Best of Essential List: Types of Goobers

TEN:

a Nestle treat

NINE:

dog scientists

EIGHT:

Selena Gomez

SEVEN:

miscellaneous dorks

SIX:

advertising lingo to attract kids

FIVE:

educational lingo to attract kids

FOUR:

drunk kids

THREE:

the cartoon dog that made Scooby-Doo more relatable to real life

TWO:

$85 rock art

ONE:

what seperates Big Dave from other Big Daves

TOO OBVIOUS:

Pyle

NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH:

alien train

HONORABLE MENTION:

booger nemesis

EVEN MORE HONORABLE MENTION:

confederate BBQ wear

GOOBER HALL OF FAME:

Michelle Branch

Review: Kurt Rambis

The truth of it is: Kurt Rambis, the coach (assistant-, head-, otherwise) ruined my own mental image of Kurt Rambis, the Laker.

Yes, that is mostly on looks. When

he was a Laker he was lanky-white power forward filling out sho

rt shorts with a Hanson-brother head with extra sweet dripping from the tips of the hair and the face punctuated by a mustache. He was the role-player guy whose job it was touch the bell less and more effectively so that Magic, Kareem, James, better players in general, were able to make great things happen with it.

FUN FACT: Rambis played in Greece before playing with the Lakers where he was known as Kyriakos Rambidis.

He used hustle. He was a reason to not hate the Lakers. He fought Kevin McHale in the finals. He was a reason to hate the Lakers even more. He was a cartoony-looking character who embodied teamwork. He was a reason to love watching basketball.

It was funny when we first were aware he even coached. It was during the lockout year of 98-99. Del Harris was fired, and Kurt, sans glasses looking like Irwin R. Schyster in a blazer, won his first 9 names. Everyone made more ironic Superman jokes.

Then he was assistant for awhile, which probably was the best thing for him. He had the success and now he could just leech off the success of Phil Jackson. I'm sorry, I bet Rambis did help in some capacity, but he wasn't a Phil guy. He was a Laker guy. At that time, Laker guys were annoying.

Then he became coach of the Timberwolves. Right after Kevin McHale left, but who had them playing better. I mention this because Kevin McHale had one up on Rambis already. So Coach Kurt came in and screwed with Kevin Love's minutes, and now he is a fired head coach with a horrible record. Hopefully for Kurt, our consensus as sports fans is to blame his Marx Brother of a boss David Kahn. But honestly, I'm ok with hating him.

Wear the glasses again Kurt. It's pretty much your only option right now.

Ways We Watch TV Shows in 2011: DVDs via Netflix

As a poor person, I do not like paying for cable. This causes me not to purchase cable and therefore causes me not to watch TV shows on cable. That itself is a mixed blessing. Luckily, Adult Swim puts all their content online, also I have developed patience, which is a virtue.

Currently, I am in the middle of Breaking Bad seasons 3. Which was released last Tuesday. I was lucky enough to receive it last Wednesday. So that's a step 1. Paying attention to release dates, so in that you may add it to your queue so in that you may get it right away upon initial release. It's smart. PLAY SMART.

The trick with Netflix, made easier by an intense TV show like Breaking Bad, is to power through. Never watching one episode at a time, at least 2. It's a get-in, get-out situation. Mess with commentaries if you dare, but there are 4 discs you're working with.

That's really the only advice I have. Sure, I miss the week-to-week cliff hangers; the naturalness of watching a TV program as it airs; and the fandom that entails. Breaking Bad on Netflix works though. I can watch back-to-back with pausing, and it costs less than DVRs. Plus I get to see DVD design (HUGE SPOILER: disc 2 has Marie on it?).

Basically-

Watching TV shows initially on DVD instead of on the television works if a) you're not an asshole, b) you're good at avoiding information/spoilers until the DVD, c) you give-in to the power of the TV show d) there are no rules, e) This point sponsored by Netflix, the number 1 leader in making you brag about how you're watching TV

Gross Post Blank: What I learned from the Cat's Butthole

When I was 5, our cat's butthole was the oddest shape to me. I laughed and loved and imitated that cat's butthole. It was a forever lemon-face puckering pink into infinity. It was the bottom of a blossoming pumpkin on a dewy autumn morning. It was whispering in a room full of Opera Singers.

Staring at that cat's butthole I experienced new depths of humility, degradation, and friendship. I witnessed firsthand the limits and the possibilities of physics, the ire and rejoice of instinct, and the vivid hue and the ashen thud of brown. I put all my troubles, feelings, and lazy days into that cat's butthole.

Then other cats' buttholes happened. Cats with the same contours and shape of our cat's butthole, with the same prestige and demeanor of our cat's butthole, with the same context and liability of our cat's butthole. Our cat's butthole lost its aura, its dimensions, its purpose. Its "claws". If the same introspection I felt when I looked at my cat's butthole could be felt by looking into in any cat's butthole, then there is no point into looking into any cat's butthole.

I was innocent enough to experience the magic a cat's butthole can possess. I'd still like to think there, out there, in the vastness of cat butthole's, there is cat whose butthole is expanding its essence, evolving into new parameters of cat's buttholes, offering deeper reflections upon a curious lads wandering eye, and keeping spirits tight and pure. A pure, tight asshole of hope for mankind.

Will we ever get there, who knows. Don't let not knowing keep you from looking in your own cat's butthole.

Review: Ankle Socks

I remember ankle socks like it was yesterday. A cool autumn-ish yesterday where we still where irony was lost on us, most dials would turn to the left (as opposed to all dials) , and people still feared the Kraken.

With this baby on the way, our whole half-word is upside down while our half whole world remains staunch in its observation. Sure and technically yes, we are still wearing ankle socks. BUT- we're not calling them ankle socks. They are just socks to us now. The novelty is more than worn off. It has disintegrated into a taste bud on a fly's tongue. Not the good taste bud that can taste hair and fear perspiration, but the even more minuscule one that recognizes between hot or cold, steam or smoke, and acid-wash or post-acid-wash.

Exposed flesh is a young man's game. It was an old women's game. Somewhere down the line between women who posed in Playboy having to find other sources of income, and Astronauts having to pose in Playboy to become a more well-rounded people- we lost what it was that which we wore to our ankles. Our ankle socks have left the nest of two-word phrases and shed it's first word skin. Leave them alone, they have work to do.

Our adult wardrobe is pile-driving my iron 'chic'

South Park Review: You're Getting Old

How about blowing your shit up, right? South Park has absolutely earned the right to do anything they want, and if they want to make a depressing, John Cassavetes-esque movie with shit jokes, well, I really want to see that.

This episode, mostly the ending, reminded me very much of the arc in Moral Orel. Where by the 3rd season they abandoned the comic storyline and focused on the crumbling family and each character's internal struggle. You can also draw comparisons the use of 'Landslide', which South Park used, to Moral Orel's usage of various Mountain Goats songs. But where Moral Orel used the final 2 seasons to build, South Park just BLEW THAT SHIT UP right in front of our faces. Both metaphorically AND physically, and I love that. The divorce happened so abruptly that there was no time to pick sides. You just had take in every last bit of depression. For a show that basically admitted they've been coasting for a couple years using a same basic format- I feel rewarded that I get to think about these characters as real people.

Example- during another great episode this season (Season 15- shaping up to be one of the best ever)- "Crack Baby Atheltic League", Kyle and Cartman work together profiting off of crack babies. When Kyle is trying to show Stan his side of the story, Stan simply says "You sound like Cartman". I fully expected Kyle to stop right there and the episode would turn off into something else. But no. Kyle and Cartman continued working together. I viewed this as a betrayal of Kyle's character (but didn't care because that episode had one of the better non-sequitar endings in South Park history with Vaunter Slaush). Now- we see the continuing of that relationship with Kyle and Cartman exchanging knowing glances at each other during this episode. I see change, I see growth. The seeds were planted, and now they're sprouting.

I always was annoyed when people say "South Park isn't what it used to be" because those people, for the most part, don't watch the show regularly. I imagine for them, the pay-off of this episode, and hopefully the following episodes after their hiatus, won't be as free-ing.

"I know how much you like Legos, Stan."

Homer Pick

Blah blah blahckground (That read as background by the way): I've been a die hard Pittsburgh Pirate fan for close to 18 years now. I say 18 years because I don't believe kids develop the concept of 'die hard' (or passion, or love... responsibilty, cleanliness,etc) until they are at least seven years old. 18 years ago started was the first of 18 straight losing seasons for the Pittsburgh Pirates. I'm from Pittsburgh + I like baseball= Of course I'm a Pittsburgh Pirate fan, sweet thang.

Present (no word play, couldn't think of anything): A good team reached .500. Good teams reach .500 records all the time. Any team with decent starting rotation complimented by a strong bullpen that has an MVP level player with good protection throughout the lineup should have a .500 record. That's what the Pittsburgh Pirates developed into. That is what the Pittsburgh Pirates are now. Am I happy? Yeah pretty much. Not surprised. Any one who's been paying attention to this team shouldn't be surprised. I'd say I'm happier about not being suprised than a .500 record in June.

Crystal 'Play' Ball (because crystal balls represent the future. You should really be able to figure these out): Who knows who knows who knows? That's a complete cop-out of an answer. But like I said I'm a Pittsburgh Pirate fan-- you pay attention to the team daily, you don't look ahead too much. We never had to look ahead before because there was nothing to look ahead to. Pay attention to everyday. It was enjoyable doing so for the last 18 years. It's a lot more enjoyable now. What I am saying is enjoy enjoying it more. Pressure will come eventually, but the great part about that is we won't recognize what that feels like for awhile. Why? Because it's baseball, and we're Pittsburgh Pirate fans.

Because it's baseball. And I'm a Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

Searching for a Deeper Meaning: The Hangover Part 2 vs The Tree Of Life

VS

I say "versus" because "and" doesn't feel entirely appropriate. The Hangover Part 2 was a cash-in, strike while the iron is hot formulaic comedy; while The Tree of Life's development was more tedious and gestated over the course of 6 years.

I saw The Hangover Part 2 out of obligation, and though the audience made the movie a somewhat enjoyable experience- the artistic nuances were overshadowed by cheap ploys. Art such as: Ken Jeong. He is a world-beater and we not only got to see his penis again- it was referred to as a mushroom cap. But his character 'died' and his revival later was marred by, and I'm serious when I say this, not using the N-word enough. The energy of Zach Galfianakis pops more in scenes where he's given less to do (running with ice cream, dead-pan driving a boat) which undercuts the actual writing of The Hangover Part 2. Still though: we all relate to feeling lost. Lost in a much larger unknown, having to depend on friends but having more so to depend on ourselves. To find it within ourselves, against the dreariest of backgrounds, to rise up in the face of our detractors and overcome.... it's all very trite. Paul Giamatti brings his A-game and once again shows he can be amazing in bad movies (Duplicity, Big Fat Liar, The Nanny Diaries, Fred Claus). So the deeper meaning here is that it was the polar opposite of The Tree of Life, a movie I am currently analyzing, re-analyzing, and over analyzing. Much of the exposition is cut, making the emotions laid out there to just simply relate to or cull from. Scenes of dinosaur mercy, a family struggling, young boys fighting in the woods- no dialogue just angst and projection. It was a thouroughly enjoyable movie for the fact that I still am currently enjoying it a week later. The Hangover Part 2- that was chewed up and digested before the movie ended. Funny movie, and when it went darker and non-referential at parts- Stu's ruminating on sleeping with a transexual, Alan seeing the world as children, Phil's non-chalant relationship with his child- I appreciated the movie more.

But a bad movie is open to criticism and prone to be picked apart. You can see the gears moving and see how they could be moving better in The Hangover Part 2. Notice how I only gave The Tree of Life about 2 sentences in this post- it is because good movies you just want to enjoy. You're not analyzing as much when you watch. Again- these two movies are polar opposites. If you have everything- you have nothing. If something is so good to someone, something must be so bad to someone. Something means something to someone, the opposite of that exists. One man's Tree of Life is another's Hangover Part 2. Both garner appreciation in their own concerns.

Also, both movies were initially to feature Mel Gibson and both didn't and now both are forever bounded in glory.

South Park Review: City Sushi

This is entirely spoilers because that is how lazy people write.

A Butters' story usually revolves around a misunderstanding and then being taken advantage of. Here he is taken advantage of by a therapist who diagnoses Butters with multiple personalities, with the misunderstanding being "he is just a kid who pretend-plays". It is believable because, more so than any other character on South Park, Butters is overflowing with innocence and naivety.

That's half the episode though. No Cartman, Kyle, Stan, or Kenny in this episode. But a longer look at City Wok's Lu Kim. The schtick here is that Chinese people get confused with Japanese people. South Park makes this touchy subject funny by relentless commitment to the joke, over the top accents, and focusing more on the character we know, Lu Kim, rather than developing the new City Sushi owner.

This all pays off in an amalgam of a third act. Butters' therapist at this point is the real crazy person with multiple personality disorder, and one of those personalities is Lu Kim. All this time, throughout the history of Lu Kim (Mongolians, his wife Wing), he was a white guy. This also justifies the racist attitudes he had of his Japanese counterpart (who killed himself, because honestly- we don't need to see that character again, they needed to get rid of City Sushi, and The Kenny Rule: it's always funnier on South Park when someone dies).

For a Butters' episode, I was semi-disappointed if only in the fact the worst thing Butters was led to do was rob a bank. While I also appreciate the backstory on Lu Kim, this is very Armen Tamzarian-esque. There was something about stereotypes that they could've hit harder, though. Stereotypes is a thing not easily solved and South Park makes enough points already. So for them, bringing light to this issue (by exploiting it) is just piling on jokes. Which is why I watch.

When It Is Acceptable to Give the Nickname 'Lemon'

-The person is blonde is wearing a yellow shirt, yellow capris, yellow crocs and uses a greeting other than 'hello' or 'hey'

-They have done an outlandish action not knowing that Liz Lemon of 30 Rock has done the same thing (bought a Wedding Dress on sale before they were engaged; mistaken a black tween for Oprah)

-The person, when tasted, is sour or causes a pucker

-When you met this person at a used car lot, they seemed great at first. After you are off the lot though, that person is just awful.

-The person asks for a slice of lemon for any of the following drinks: Sierra Mist, 7 up, Sprite, Mellow Yellow, Lemonade, a cup of meringue, breast milk/urine/ice made of tears

-The person is an apple or any other fruit besides a lemon, and you are trying to piss them off

-You've heard them mention CNN news anchor Don Lemon once in passing and you refuse to drop it or learn anything more about that person other than the fact they once mentioned Don Lemon in conversation

-They dress like Lemmy from Motorhead, but are too fat to pull off the look

-A person catching a no-hitter develops a callous on his catching hand over the course of the game. The first person to notice the callous or call attention to it, is thusly 'the Lemon'

-Anyone you know who still plays Lemonade Tycoon

Anthony Bourdain Poses

"Yes Anthony, yes yes! Hold it there. That's a perfect balance of smiling/not smiling. You should really trademark that. Now just curl your fingers for me. Is your hand touching your face?... Well then rest your jaw slightly on the brim of your hand... slighter... little less slight than that... brimmer...BRIMMER.... good (TAKES PICTURE). Your eyes could be a little more piercing, but I think we got it.... Whats that? Your earring? I didn't even realize you had one. Yeah I can see it fine, but it honestly looks like a fish vagina.. tiny little shiny slit."

"Ok, Anthony.... Sorry.... Tony B- can you hold the chop sticks higher? Mmmkay. Angle it up- food in the air- there ya go. Down a smidge, down, down, doooown. UP! Right there. (TAKES PICTURE) Oh wow got some good light on those chop sticks Tony B... Whats that?.... No your chin isn't visible... Well I can take another picture.... Really? OK... You can't really make out what the food is, no... I agree, knowing what the food is distracts how piercing your eyes are... Oh- its visible but barely, just liked you asked."

"ANTHONY BOURDAIN!! Hey, HEY! (TAKES PICTURE)..... Sorry Mr. Boudain, I just wanted a picture for my website.... No I can't see your earring in it... Well alright then! Thank You!"

New Slang: Lots-O-Hugging

Lots-O-Hugging: Verb: Rape. In reference to 2 films of actor Ned Beatty, as he was the voice of Lots-O-Hugging Bear in Toy Story 3 and cinema's, arguably, most famous rape victim, Bobby Trippe in Deliverance. The convenience of irony being that Beatty being raped in Deliverance and then voicing a cartoon character who is stuffed and has 'hugging' in his name.

"Carol isn't the same since she and her sister were Lots-O-Hugged"

"At least Carol is just a Lots-O-Hugging victim, and not a murder victim like her husband"

"I sometimes get the urge to Lots-O-Hug, but I control it"

Review: Eagles

The eagle's popularity lies in its ability to be photographed and the ability of that photograph to be transferred into different mediums.

Wall Calendars, Chest and Arm Tattoos, Backgrounds of Credit Cards, Ironic T-Shirt, Un-Ironic Ed Hardy T-shirts, Lighters, Handlebars and Other Motorcycle Accesories, Political Cartoons, Surface Area, Bullet Box Containers, Coffins, Eagle Food, Toilet Seats, Saw Handles, etc.

They all use the eagle for it invokes a majestic aesthetic, flight/freedom, freedom/flight, free flights, killing things that are smaller than you and getting away with it (power), killing things that are different than you and getting away with it (absolute power), and killing things with your bare hands (patriotism).

I like to picture eagles taking the place of dogs in that famous poker painting. I also like to picture them wearing turbans while being hanged by the American government.

For me, the eagle is more than the symbol for America. It's a bird with its own distinct features, breeds, and DNA.

To show you how much Eagles mean to me, here is Carly singing at Eagle Fest '09:

What I Thought These Kids Thought Process was When Putting This Video on Youtube

Imagine having a white board in your play room.

You can write anything on it

Friend comes over.

He 's so cool. owns a usc jersey.

He writes 'boogertown' on your white board.

You laugh so hard that you make a movie about boogertown and concentrate on a bank, because not only does it function as a place in the town where action can happen but it sounds funny with boogertown.

You lose interest while the kid whose idea it was in the first place is really into it.

However when you re-watch the video for the first time you laugh and laugh again because of the combination of group laughter at the novelty of seeing yourself AND you didn't pay attention during the actual filming and now find yourself sincerely laughing at the things you and your friends said. This is great momentum for you to not view it again until it is already up on Youtube. At this point you're probably still impressed by the novelty of now being on Youtube because you're a kid and kids have only so many years of education and self-reflection.

You search for yourself in Youtube, and find that searching for boogertown, your hilarious inspirational word, is buried beneath in the search results by someone else....

Well to you, sweet children, I saw your video. I, too, know that the word Boogertown deserves more than a country jamboree string band. It deserves the inane, somewhat lazy production you provide. Brava, plutoeyes1, bra-vvvvvvvaa.

Fake Surfing

A human impulse that exists: while balancing on something that we know we have a strong footing on, we all have the urge to fake surf.

Be it on ROCK:

(Also here, because smart people disallow embedding)

Be it on Ocean:

Be it Rug Ocean:

Be it by request on a friend because you have a pseudo-show on Youtube:

Be it because you are hilarious:

Be it because you are wasting my time by pretty much mis-title-ing your Youtube video:

Or because you are the best example of all these combined including not being imbeddable...

You are gonna think you know how to surf.

You can see people pull their knowledge from surfing from simply knowing a beach boy's song.

Real fake surfers? We pull our fake knowledge from remembering The Donnas did the theme song to MTV's Surf Girls.

Whose God Killed Osama Bin Laden?

Many people have thanked their god for the American raid and subsequent killing of Osama bin Laden. Those many people have different religious beliefs and are, therefore, thanking multiple gods. So which god killed Osama? Let's take a look:

-Southern Baptist? Likely. America really wanted Osama to die regardless of any thinking or reasoning. No thinking or reasoning are traits of Southern Baptists.

-Catholic? Probably not. So far no guilt has been associated with Osama's death.

-Non-denominational Christian? Their god will never tell if he did. He'll accept the credit though.

-Jewish? If we start making money off of the death, then yeah.

-7th Day Adventist? If it was their god, no one would care and this whole death thing would be for not. So hopefully it was their god.

-Muslim? Wanted a new image perhaps?

-Transformers? The high cost of the raid and killing speaks to the Transformer god.

-Neptune, god of the sea? The sea is mysterious, no one knows its intentions. I wouldn't be surprised.

In conclusion, there probably was no god involved. It was a Sunday and gods usually catch up on their emails that day.

Wrong vs Right: The Road to Victory

When is wrong right and how is that right right? Right?

-I am posting this video because this innocent teenage girl has a dream to be an actress but doesn't have the necessary talent or knowledge of how auditions work to ever, ever achieve that goal.

-Me posting this video proves that I go on Youtube to dig up human's failing.

-They did post this video on Youtube. They did choose Disney Channel Stars to emulate. They did do 3 auditions in under a minute and thought it good enough to post to the public so assholes like me can use it in a semi meta, jaded blog post.

-Getting a large Blizzard at Dairy Queen has the most value, but I can never finish it.

-Idiots on the internet exist in bunches. For matters: this post can be interpreted as idiotic and can be broken down into its working parts and criticized.

-This post is killing dreams. Who am I to say 'EntrancingEmily' will never make it? Maybe this is a voice over reel for a cartoon re-enactment of a parody where the message is of the deteriorating responsibilities of role models is a major concern for today's parents? In that case she nailed it and I am the fool.

-This was posted Aug. 15, 2009--- I'm sure she's into something new by now so nothing I say matters

My Fan Letter from Age 7 to Tom from Tom and Jerry

Dear Tom,

What do you eat? I am beginning to think you have never eaten. Sometimes I see you actually put Jerry (or a bird friend) in your mouth and you don't chew? I don't think you really want to eat Jerry, and this cartoon thing is a load of bullshit. I mean if a mouse inflicted as much pain on me as Jerry has done to you, and I had teeth and claws and reflexes and nine lives and other cat things like you- I MEAN HE WAS IN YOUR MOUTH! I saw it just now.

I am writing to you because I think you can win this thing. Sure Jerry has some charisma, but I believe that this will ultimately be his undoing. There are many instances where you've been able to kill Jerry- like when you presented him as a ring to a girl cat, or you used him as a golf ball. Both these times he was helpless, and you've got a distinct size advantage.

End this charade, Tom. Jerry doesn't pose much of a threat. It's you. Take your time, stay positive, and remember- his heart is about 1 centimeter big and wouldn't be that hard to rupture.

your fan in christian love,

Caleb

PS where is your penis?

Behind the Wall of Diapers

Behind the wall of Diapers exists a happier me.

Behind the wall of Diapers no one can see me nourish dead legs into specialty canes. The salts eating tissue to the bone. The hunger of my stomach chiseling the muscle. The baby on the diaper package beckoning me on with a plastic fire in his mulatto eyes. You can't judge me, you're the only one keeping me safe. I am afraid of you. I am apart of you. Life is a bicycle on a graham cracker road. Boogers=Milk. Behind the wall of Diapers.

Behind the Wall of Diapers a song has sung its song when singing has sang its sanction. The diatribe of pitter patter. The pitter patter of little teeth. The secret of stacking raisins is to pull back the skin. The secret to pulling back skin is to feel nothing. Scabs are the looking glass behind the Wall of Diapers. Forced excretion is the floor wax behind the Wall of Diapers.

Behind the Wall of Diapers, I do not know my name. I do not share a commonality with the most coopertively breeds of dog. I do not like my ice shake or stirred or even served to me. I am an oven I am creator I am channeling. Behind the Wall of Diapers.

Space Sitcoms

The Fresh Prince of No Air

Step Binary Step

8 Complicated Rules

Acc-orbiting to Jim

Fraxyzier

Father Novas Best

How I Met Universe Mother

Wel-comet Back Space Kotter

Hangin' with Satellite Cooper

I Asteroid Lucy

Clarissa Eclipses It All

Be-parsec-ker

Saved by the Occultation

'Lopes

Antelopes

Cantaloupes

Can't Elopes

Ex Phillie Davey Lopes

Left Eye Lopes

Mountain sLopes

Patron Saint of The Way Rhubarb Is Spelt

Rhobert Rhobinson (born 1488, martyred 1520) is one of the most averaged sized saints. In fact, if you add all the saints heights together then divide by that number- you'd get exactly Rhobinson's height. More impressive is the way Rhobert stole the discovery of rhubard from a small village in Greece after sleeping with the town leader's wife and then leaving a pillow under the covers to act as his body while he made his getaway. Indeed, Rhobert tried to force his R folled by silent h among many a word, but word like Rhoot and Rhinse already existed. Rhurbarb did stick though, and Rhobinson became a folk hero to those who listened to him tell them that he was indeed a folk hero. His death came whence he was crucified underwater by upstart Roman radicals trying to make a name for themselves. Rhobinson was trying to implement the still far out notion of the double 'rh' in words like barhrhel.

Ugly Children

The criteria a child must reach to be considered ugly:

- Older than 5

- While playing sports, he or she ain't got no alibi

Refreshed

Ahhhh... bella. Molto Bella. Lei Molto Bella. Donde esta es un parakeet? Parakeet si ninja. Volvo esta mi vuelva. No tonces. Espargo june capitan Sizemore. Langosta jueve vino salamat po.


That was too refreshd, I apologize. That was beyond languages it was so refreshed. That was like mixing sprite with sierra mist and waterfall water from an ancient hidden waterfall refreshed. That was so refreshed that re- may not even apply to it because it was so fresh the first time. Let's just say that this second freshening trumps most other original freshes. Like- how was Will Smith the fresh prince? I get that its slang, but why apply fresh to princedom? Is it that he was redefining what it means to be a prince because his uncle was so rich and he was so from Philly? I remember Celebrity Death Match referee Mills Lane saying that was his favorite show about 10 years after it was still on air. If it's not on air, than it's by definition not fresh. So in reruns, the fresh prince of bel-air is refreshed. That makes sense to me.

In conclusion. You can be too refreshed. If that happens you should just think about something very grounded. Like Will Smith's easy-on-the-eyes blackness. Let's all thank Will Smith for teaching his kids to remake 80s movies and to have songs that involve dance moves and to generally be pretty shitty.

Resting

Your 2010-2011 Toronto Raptors

Winning for all its sheen and Sheen is still only a part of basketball. Granted its a huge part that people look at/remember/judge you by--- but winning is simply an aspect of the game.

Fun is also an aspect of the game. Fun is the most fun part of the game. A lot of us won't remember this season's sub .500 lottery teams, but that's where a lot of the fun of the NBA existed.

Case in point- The Toronto Raptors.

Former #1 overall pick having a legit scoring season, sophmore highlight dunker developing an overall game, a top 5 assist-to-turnover ratio, rookie earning playing time through defense and rebounding, seeing that Jerryd Bayless potential I've been hearing so much about, Leandro Barbosa's shot selection, Sonny Weems' name being spoken, learning nothing about Alexis Ajinca, Amir Johnson and James Johnson not capitalizing on opportunities.... intrigue, drama, forgetting what Jay Triano looks like, forgetting that Jay Triano coaches the Raptors, remembering how good a coach Sam Mitchell was, remembering how good Sam Mitchell was in NBA Live '97, Hey Linas Kleiza can light it up, Hey Linas Kleiza did light it up:

I loved these Toronto Raptors not out of spite or jest or some ironic sadomasochism. I love them because I liked to watch them play offense, and people play offense against them. I just love watching basketball. The Toronto Raptors were watchable this year. That's positive. That's something. The Toronto Raptors, beyond a shadow of a doubt, something.

Micky Dolenz's Breath

What I imagine Micky Dolenz's breath to smell like:

The paper wrapped around crayons after those crayons were used by a stadium full of 2nd graders in a mass coloring speed contest on an August midday with the water turned off due to the previous night's animal monster truck rally and demolition derby where a bunch of jungle animals drove cars into each other. The pipes were clogged because mostly the animals are subdued to extreme laziness and the animal trainers kept flushing the mixed shit of obese gorillas, sickly giraffes, and sleep deprived tasmanian devils. 1 of the pipes burst spewing scalding hot water onto the chinese/black custodian who constaly eats pickled ginger, burning his flesh and pickled ginger.

All of this with a faint, but noticeable (presumably from guilt) odor of bananas. Hey, hey He's a Monkee!

Panda Bear - Tom Boy

Dear Reader Who Has Gotten Here Looking For A Free Download Of Tomboy by Panda Bear,

I wish I knew your name. I do respect you. As you can see I capitalized all the first letters in the title which I addressed you. I just want to come out and say it: there is no download here.

You likely got here through googling a combination of the following words: Panda Bear Tomboy Blogspot. Maybe you added in the words of your preferred download site such as mediafire, zshare, filesonic, fileserve, filestube, megaupload, hotfile, rapidshare, depositfiles, uploading, furk, goldfile, enterupload, badongo, oron, turbobit, letitbit, extrabit, gigasize or duckload. Hell, those chance are now increased since I added those names in this post. It's all searchable. Can I ask- did you prefer zip or rar files? You don't have to answer that, you can play bejeweled to get a free iPad. You might be naked. Pictures of Emma Watson are on the internet too. Oh goodness- now I mentioned PLAY BEJEWELED FREE IPAD NAKED PICTURES OF EMMA WATSON. Sorry, I really didn't mean to trick you. I am so filled with GLEE that I just wanted to OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE on my BEST 20 MINUTE GOURMET MEALS FOR UNDER 20 DOLLARS.

Sincerely CHARLIE SHEEN,

REBECCA BLACK FRIDAY REMIX LOL

How to Pretend You're in Stone Temple Pilots

1. Write STP in permanent marker on something/anything you own.

2. When someone notices and asks what it stands for, reply "What does what stand for? Oh yeah, that? Well, I was in Stone Temple Pilots"

3. Say you wrote any other Stone Temple Pilots song other than the one that goes "And I Feel It"

Bros Love The Crucible

Origin Story

Man has 2 hoses for home use. He labels the green garden 30 foot hose 'A', while the hose he got as a house warming present from his father's girlfriend's brother 'B'.

A: "Listen, I know it's been tough between us, what with me being used way more than you. But you knew the time would come when one of us would be curled around in a loop on an outdoor rack. It's been great spending time with you on the floor of the shed, and I hope we can remain friends?"

B: "No way, Hose A."

I'm in this band: Florence and The Machine

And I'm not Florence.

If you google 'florence and the machine anyone but florence' you still get this:




Similar results for-
florence and the machine the machine

florence and the machine musicians behind

Florence and the Machine background

florence and the machine without florence

florence and the machine pictures of the god damn band