Review: Older Women with Long Gray Hair

As a person who knows everything because knowing you know nothing means learning that you've learned enough (FIND DEFAULT IN THAT REASONING), I am pretty much an expert on woman entering their 50s-60s despite my handicap of being a young male and of not caring. So my worldview stands to reason, that older women with long hair is... just... creepy. In a calm way. In a calm sexual way. In a calm-sexual-what-are-you-trying-to-prove-way.

Now the exception to the rule is Hollywood celebrities and other people who are attractive enough (re: not gray haired) and rich enough to keep with the uptake of the youthful, flowly, I'm every women- look. The rule without the exception is: why do you think that looks good? It might look good to you, which is great for you, but I feel you need to explain it to me. There is getting old gracefully- and there's getting old like a mother fucker. So in light of me and my confusing in your face prose, here's a list:

-Long gray distinguishes witches.
-Long gray hair looks like it'd get stained if you spill something on it.
-Long gray hair contradicts itself in its youthful, elderly appearence.
-Long gray hair looks like a place a night animal would sleep.
-Long gray hair really sticks it to older bald men (a postive!)
-Gray is not a complimentary color to the face.
-Women don't need to be 'eccentric', they have boobs (note: breast cancer patients- do whatever you want, I'm not starting up with you ever again)
-I don't need any more reminders about Joan Baez
-There are better ways to show you're liberal
-Frame your face, use style.... just having your hair long is kind of bland at your age. If you're a book store owner, have been described as granola, own a baggy shirt that is purple, have made something you are wearing, if you use the word 'sycamore' regularly, have talked about birds to an audience, have more than 6 candles within sight right now, and talk openly about your vagina- chances are I'm talking about you.

Chances are you'll never read this blog. So I don't feel bad at all for saying anything I've said at all. Or will say. Or am saying now. I am put off by you, long haired older women. It's not that you're ugly (it kind of is), it's that you could look better (which really wouldn't change much in your life, you're uterus is still 80% dust). If you feel better with long hair, like a rebel or that you have a youthful spirit about yourself- cool. Think that about yourself. Just to let you know- I'm allowed to make fun of decisions. And I am making fun of you.

Review: The least amount of Money you can give to charity.

$200? It's more than one hundred, in fact- double more. You want more? Fine... $250. That's a 25% mark-up of the original. Good, right? It's still small, yes, compared to the other amounts being floated your way. But if you were a lesser charity it'd be a average to decent sum. What are lesser charities? The PTA? I don't know what they spend their money on. No, $250 is all I'm going to give you. It's more than the least amount of money I can give to your charity without looking cheap. Because I added $50 to my original offering, that's why. $200 is a lot of money to... hunters. Trailsmen. What do you know, you're a charity. You don't know what it's like to work for a living unless I completely lack the understand what it is you actually do. Now I said I'll give you $250. $250.50. I can do that. It sounds like a lot when you say it out loud. Really loud. Say it really loud. Yeah.

Reviews: Sawing a Dog in Half

There are very few clean ways to saw a dog in half. In fact, after love, decency, and not being retarded, huge messes are a popular reason given for not sawing a dog in half. But we have to be adults about this and just have to admit to ourselves that some things are just inevitable and a dog could be needed to saw in half and you can be the person to saw that dog. In half.

Here are a few helpful tips when sawing a dog in half:

1) Accept the situation and just have fun with it!

2) Make sure it's alive. You know that saying about beating a dead horse? Well, it's like that. Plus listening to the sounds it whimpers and cries out is all the oil your sawing machine (your arm) needs to "motivate" through that dog.

3) Make sure you and people around you are properly dressed. Who wants errant dog fur on their clothes? Or dog blood. Or dog bone. Or dog organ. Or dog face tissue. Or dog unknown thick black substance that smells like diarrhea'd in toner.

4) Think of how proud you are to be a human who is capable of reaching a decision such as to saw a dog in half. This not only makes the act seem less disgusting, abnormal, and wrong, but also helps you appreciate your thumbs more.

5) Reflect on the decisions you have made in life that have led you to cut a dog in half. Was this unavoidable? If Suzy Derricks would have said yes and went with you to the Hillford Grove Fall Harvest Box Social in the 6th grade, would that have made a difference? Is killing addicting? Is addiction so wrong? Is this my dog? How proud of myself should I be right now? Sawing a dog in half is going to be one of the most personal moments of your life, only you know what you'll be thinking. So think smart- think reflexive- and pushing down beneath the chin and groin area with the palm of each hand while the dog lays on its back horizontally across your knee is the best great way to soften the spine.

Review: NBA Previews

Prognostication. It's what separates us from the animals that wear human costumes. It also sells magazines and lets people think they know what the are talking about.

The NBA preview is full of cutting obvious statement short and keeping convoluted ideas in your pants. In short- previewing the NBA season is checking the internet. Staying informed is even easier when it is labeled and easy to follow. It's a way to go that I choose not to do because, 1- I don't come that easy and C) I don't make that much sense. Why should I give things straight forward, when there are so many different angles that even haven't been existed yet to go down.

But I appreciate the NBA preview. They take the time to rank players 1-to-why would the continue, all for the amusement of people who like to know the 2nd tier of backup point guards and how many decent big bodies are taking up roster space that I wish would be used on undersized wingmen. Because what is the overwhelming sentiment: Ben Gordon or Marcus Thornton? I care that Kevin Love is getting mentioned an appropriate amount. I want to hear what I already think about the Washington Wizards not going to be as good as everyone thinks.

It's like getting a new encyclopedia every year that is based on thinking and informed opinion. It's completely unnecessary unless you pay attention to it. And that's not only such a weird special present- it's about the best basketball players on the earth.

Oh,-- Miami duh.

WHAT MY THEME SONG SAYS ABOUT ME: The OC

Phantom Planet was just this band trying to get by. They had a debut record on Geffen in 1998 and their drummer was in a breakout star in a Wes Anderson movie. They kept trying, and low and behold- a piano driven ballad that most people found whiny seemed to perfectly compliment to teen angst.

"California" lent some credibility to a teen drama. Teen drama's are always looking to scavenge credibility. Paula Cole had a break out single and best new artist Grammy, and then turned her whiny ballad into a teen drama theme song. Phantom Planet had somewhat a cred in a non-successful artistic sense, and turned their whiny song into an one. "Right back where we started from" is such a quintessential vague line about nothing that of course teens will eat that up.

The OC really was about making teens eat out of their hands. Fox shows in general are known to give their audience what they want. Married with Children was loved by schmucks, The Simpsons panders to their nerds, Prison Break kept prison breakin'. Glee. The OC had- hot guys, hot girls, single parents, guns, indie music, spiderman references, a setting where the hot guys and girls could wear swimsuits. Having 'California' as their theme song was saying "hey, this song makes us look like we give a fuck". It worked. I usually hate things in equivalence to how much people misguidedly loved something- and I really hated The OC.

I can't be all that mad. I love making fun of this song by singing it. I mean, I don't have to add anything, this song is really funny. I mean putting that much emotion into the syllables of an already been done word like 'California'- that's funny. Some people like it, apparantly a lot of peolpe did- but I liked in my own cynical way.

It's vague and doesn't need to make sense, aka The Simpsons Did it.

Here's another Knot's Landing set to that theme song:

Here's some assholes being assholes set to the song:

Here's some asshole singing it while his mom films it:

Here's some assholes who think they're gonna make it singing it:

And finally, here's a kid singing it to a Target gift card:

Hustlers get your guns.

Review: Eastbound and Down: where we are now

Do I want Stevie Janowski to be happy? That's a question I've been kicking around in my head since Chapter 10.

Stevie Janowski serves Kenny Powers. I mean that literally and figuratively. He's his sidekick and he does errands for Kenny. Because he is in 'black ops' with Kenny, Stevie is a gauge of Kenny's attitude.

Ultimately- this is Kenny's show. I don't think anyone wants it any other way. So when we see Stevie have a girlfriend and have a real moment of pathos and desperation with Kenny when requested to dump that girlfriend- I want Kenny Powers to be Kenny fucking Powers. So of course that means denying Stevie pleasure. Which, wow, I didn't know I'd feel so badly about. Part of why I feel bad is because we almost see Kenny feel bad. But we know Kenny and we know what Kenny thinks of Stevie- a punching bag of comfort.

The question is DO I WANT to see Stevie happy? At what cost is Stevie's happiness? Stevie has grown a lot by just emulating Kenny Powers. That's likely a bad thing, but serving Kenny makes him happy, right? I just don't view it that way. I just view it as Kenny Powers and the guy he keeps around to serve him. If Stevie is truly happy- does that mean he has stood up to Kenny? Does it mean he has realized just how awful a human Kenny is? Does it mean that Kenny is actually taking care of himself?

My concerns about Stevie all stem from my concrns about Kenny- a man that needs to change but I don't want to see change. Kenny is way to entertaining a spectacle for me to wish otherwise. So I project my feelings on Stevie. Which is just what Kenny does. I don't want Stevie to be unhappy- I just don't want him sidetracking Kenny. That's what a fan of a TV show wants. As a person who wants to see the good in people--- well I'm not gonna think about this.

These are fictional characters after all. Goodness knows I don't want to see any reflection of myself in these people.

Review: Sexy Firefighter Poorly Cradling a Baby

Review: Rather Do This

I started writing about whether or not Faizura Balk is an attractive person. It hurt my head to think about. On the one hand: Nah. Uh uh. But on the other hand: Ok. And: yes?

Then I thought about the nature of celebrity and how it is within every human being's rights to have an opinion on Faizura Balk.

Then I thought that Faizura Balk not jumping on this sexy Vampire craze. Good for her.

Then I saw Vice was doing a comedy issue and read this interview with a hero, Robert Smigel.

Then I checked if Smigel was on twitter. No he isn't, but I found this. Then I thought about all the people who tried twitter and gave up, and how I did that. And I don't care that I did that or that people do that or really anything related to twitter.

Then I wrote this tweet: Basically the face #ThefundamentaldifferencesbetweenRachelRay&Fairuza Balk

Then I realized Fairuza Balk was in Return to Oz. Then I found this stupid idea someone had to take a Fairuza Balk interview form the movie and set it to the movie to- create their own audio commentary? Who is starving for commentary that badly? Wha- nevermind. Here's the video. I made it 3 minutes before shutting it off completely.

Then I looked at the person who created this video's other videos. It was disappointing in that all his videos were boring. Mostly clips of other Wizard of Oz or Alice in Wonderland or Sleeping Beauty. I did find this video funny, because it turns out that the type of person to make their own audio commentary, is the same person to make a youtube video of why they can't make a youtube video:

Then I remembered I was writing this post, and wrote this post instead.

Review: New Logo

Hey, do this post a favor?

Click HERE.

Cool. Now go to #11.

Thanks, that's all.

Take that DOG PAWS!

I should be proud to be #11 (not I- I didn't do anything) because there is no pomp of top ten, but hey- just about.

OK, now the post:

Things are supposed to look nicer. Look at the Minnesota Vikings Football Jersey. I will admit right now that I had nothing to do with that design and it was all a smarty pants I know named James Acklin. There, that's admitted. He deserves to be the top half of a top 30 list.

But the list itself? Who the fuck are you? I assume you don't take offense to me saying fuck, nor do even read this blog. Why am I assuming that? Well, because you didn't contact me nor the James Acklin when you created your list. You just pulled from your hosting resource. Way to take advantage of an agreement. Why am I mad even though I got free press which is more press than I've ever gotten before? Because this is silly. A purpose of this blog is to not care. So, honestly, nothing against WebAndDesigners.com, my website is just beneath you. Directly beneath you. Tickling your belly. Not in a cute way. In a distracting manner. In an act of annoyance.

So if anything, I am again proving nothing whatsoever (good job), but am forgetting that this top 30 list has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the talented person who made it. Thanks James.

Review: All-Time

How do you quantify something as an all time favorite? The answer is pretty easy, especially if you are comfortable with yourself. Let's use a "duh": Michael Jordan is an all-time great basketball player. A DUH. In the eyes of those who have viewed or know what basketball is and also know who Michael Jordan is, then his skills at basketball are not only great- they are great throughout history. In the 1950s, Jordan was what they dreamed they could be doing, and in the 2050s people will still be appreciating his game on entirely different levels. He's ALL-TIME great. Apply that to favorite, and it is something completely personal. You know your sensibilities and what speaks to them. A favorite that will still be with you 20 years from now, and still you wish you were aware of it sooner than you were. The "where has this been all my life", and the "let me show you this" clip. All-time.

My All-Time Favorite Clip:

I can break this down into why it pulls out certain heart-strings of mine, but that'd be selling you short. Watch it again. Title screen to establish mood. Then set-up: he's a traveling poet. Then it goes. It goes and goes and is the funniest thing in the world. At least to me. It's how I explained all-time to you. I wish I saw this clip when it first aired, to carry around like a weirdo badge of courage to say 'I was there when this happened'. I wish I will have the love for my children to show them this clip, but they'll probably be mentally handicapped, or worse, spoiled.

All-time. Things that just won't leave your consciousness. Things that trigger emotions from you. Things that are you.

Review: Salad Tongs

Salad Tongs, you ridiculous bastard. Let's get one thing straight: you only slightly make it easier to grab salad. Maybe about two easier on a 1-10 scale that exists to judge the helpfulness of appliances. I mean I get it. We all get it. Squeezing. Super easy and fun to do. Tongs are great for picking most food up, but why is Salad the most popular type of Tong. Again, no one is dismissing tongs in general. Just specifically Salad ones. In fact, regular tongs do a much better job of getting salad than these pretty boy Salad Tongs.

They come in pretty vain designs to. Clear plastic? What is that supposed to make me feel better? Wooden? That's just admitting that the food you're tonging is for pussies. In terms of your variety- you suck. There's the ones that are just regular tongs and shouldn't have the word salad anywhere near them and you have the ones are 2 pieces that connect to make a shitty scissor of spoon and fork. That's just a stupid idea for a utensil that they just called a salad tong because they couldn't think of any other name that is appropriately as lame. Being called a salad tong is insulting, and you take it on the chin up your ass. Your inner-ass chin, salad tong.

It's not that I hate you (it=this post, I do hate outside of this post), this is just the most I ever thought of you, and this was the result. You can't change who you are, you're an object. That's why boobs make me respect women less and dicks make me laugh- objects. Now go, get on out of here, find someone who'll love you for whatever you are. Go on, Salad Tongs, git!

Review: Father Son Relationship

Son asks Dad if a sharpie marker is permanent on skin.

Dad asks son why he needs to know that and if son has colored his own skin.

Son says he has not yet but has heard that black cocks are bigger.

Dad laughs.

Dad continues laughing.

Dad stops laughing but is still thinking about it in his mind.

Dad laughs nervously.

Son stares at dad. Son is about to repeat question. Dad interrupts.

Dad tells son not to color his dick.

Son pulls sharpie marker out of his pocket, gives it to dad.

Son sulks and goes to turn away. Dad looks on fondly.

"Son," Dad says, "I love your dick just the way it is."

Son turns and runs into dad's open arms. As they embrace son tells dad how son loves his dad's penis too.

Dad let's go of hug. Son and Dad don't speak for 20 years. Not until Mom's funeral. Son takes dad aside. Son takes sharpie marker out of pocket. Dad smiles, takes out sharpie marker from his pocket. Dad and Son simultaneously whip out their dicks to show that they are both colored in black.

"Marker is hard to get off of skin," says son. Dad cries. Funeral audience cries. Life is restored.

Review: NY Comic Con 2010

I don't have any interesting pictures. Or even any interesting insight. Or even any interesting stories. Just perspective.

As this was my first Comic Con, I processed a lot of information one processes when they experience a first of something. Do I like this? Is this fun? What's that smell? Are these the people I want to associate with?

And perspective- I am not that nerdy. Nerdy in the unsocial sense. Nerdy in the fantasy sense. I mean I love the things I love to an annoying degree, but I'd like to think I'm articulate about it and I like to think that comes from being comfortable with my level of it. Comic Con- as you can assume- is the people who aren't generally comfortable with themselves in a place where they can let loose and be comfortable with themselves. That sounds good and all, but it really isn't. I'm not being cynical (no baby no). I'm just saying I didn't feel like I wanted to fit in. I mean, I don't read comic books.

Why did I go to Comic Con then? Delocated Panel. Your Highness Panel. And morbid curiosity. There was also a Butters from South Park panel, which was nothing more than a glorified commercial for a Butters DVD. But whatever, I went to it. The 2 mentioned panels were great and I got to ask a question and feel proud about it. Did you know most comic con questions are like this: What are you doing with the props/Can I have one? Can you give us spoilers on the other project you are working on? Will there be a sequel to the other project you did? Can you say hi to my girlfriend? Let me mention something obscure you did- and then can you say how that relates to nothing you're talking about?

So yeah- re-reading this, I'm pretty cynical. It comes from a good place though. A comic con. See- I just said Comic Con was a good place. Just wish I was stoned more.

Sorry for not saying anything ultimately interesting- I just learned more about myself more than anything at comic con- TALK ABOUT SELFISH. Talk about Shell Fish: they also stink.

Review: Being too dry

Sammy Lynn and Caranthope, her Native American Guide who can communicate with nature, are walking down the forest by the beach. Suddenly- the earth shifts and they are sucked down beneath the ground. They awake and they are completely dry.

"Caranth! I can't feel my eyes" shouted Sammy Lynn. Caranthope was slow to get up as he simultaneously assessed the situation. He mouth stuck together as he tried to talk.

"It's dry... too dry," the guide said, "Your eyes are mostly water and they are drying out. Quick- squint!"

"Carantho! My skin it feels less like it usually does!" Sammy Lynn was rubbing her arms up and down.

"Like I said dry, ok? Try, I dunno, taking off our clothes." Caranthope and Sammy Lynn both began undressing.

"CARANTHOPE!" a stream of confusion came from Sammy Lynn. "You're boner! Why would you ask me disrobe if you knew you were to have that boner for me? It is much too dry for my vagina to moisten!"

The Native paused, his mouth agape with a traffic jam of the right thing to say. The dryness made his boner seem more rugged, like a tool a cowboy would use or a middle eastern woodwind. Just then his mouth felt like he had just plopped in a tablespoon of sand. Caranthope's mouth then began to slowly deteriorate into sand. The dust crawled up his face and down his spine, spreading to the rest of his body. Her native guide, the person who shared many an adventure with Sammy Lynn, the one who has been by her side ever since Sammy Lynn's father saved Caranthope by letting the lion eat his parents instead, the one who served without complaint even when Sammy Lynn requested abortion after abortion for the two's many love children... that man was now nothing but a pile of dark red dust in an underground cave to dry to comprehend.

Sammy Lynn was calm. She walked over to the dust pile. She put her hand in it. She spread it around. She organized it into 2 separate lines. With a tear in her eye- she snorted the remains. Her eyes tuned into a series of hypotnic spins and exclamation points as her whole body became a babble. The dust pile of former Native American guide took its effect as Sammy Lynn turned into a shape of a human rocket and sparks shot out of her feet- rising up out of the underground dry cave, above the tree tops, and into the afternoon sky. BOOM! A light of fireworks across the sky, "HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY" in shimmering red sparkles.

How To Be An Adult: Albert Brooks in 'Lost in America'

Part of being young is learning to be older, which is why this segment exists. We've covered how to attract women like an adult before, now- this post which is being read ending my sentence now.



How to be an adult? Be awesome at not taking shit. Albert Brook's David is a bit neurotic in this movie, then he this scene happens- and that neurosis turns into a stated fury. David knows he deserves a job, but upon hearing that he doesn't he gives reasons why he deserves that job, albeit punctuated with unprofessionalism. But the way David is unprofessional is justified. Sure its a big account, and yeah David is being a bit of a baby- but can I hear a little bit about dignity? David says it himself- he gave his youth to the company and he feels betrayed. David doesn't want to succumb to a company that has done wrong by him, and he rightfully gets defiant. Played calm it could've been different- but that's not the adult I don't think anyone wants to be. Not a go 'Roll with the punches, take the compliments when they come' type of guy- but the 'I know what I am worth, and I know who I am' type of guy. Plus, we want to be able to call people bald.

David goes off after being complimented. He's either wrong, or he can tell when he is being screwed by a company he committed 8 years to. Regardless- the adult thing to do is make a decision and stand by it. David stands by it and adds 2 'fuck you's for good measure. That's how to be an adult.

RECAP on how to be an adult (Lost in America):
-know your accomplishments
-know how to turn people's words back on them
-be of quick wit
-have dignity
-commit to your decision
-make sure to use 'fuck you' as the cherry on the sundae



SPOLIER:
I love this movie, but the ending is open to interpretation. He DOES go crawling back to the company- but he does so after seeing America. Seeing what else is out there and noticing he had a sweet gig. His wife also loses all their money in a casino which deftly places a burden on their circumstance. I guess the lesson of 'Lost in America' is that of 'fuck living- it's too crazy to make any sense out of'.

Review: Plastic Baggies

Plastic baggies are super practical. For lunches, crime scene clean-ups, saving farts, and even dinners or breakfasts. Ziploc has a pretty strong strangle hold on the middle america users of these miracle baggies. But drug dealers and other smart people know that there is really no difference. No fun king difference. Red and blue make purple seal, yellow and green make yellow-green seal, it's all good. In fact, off brand baggies save money and only hardly ever break. What makes Ziploc better? Well without doing any research, my only conclusion is the name. Zip-Lock. Zip, "oh its quick like a zipper and fun because it starts with a Z and I love using that letter". Lock, "it's so sturdy though because it really locks! It's in the name." Fast-securing. Good job, name-comer-uppers. You should come up with a name for name-comer-uppers if you're so good at names, you nameless figureheads my misdirected anger is aimed at.

Anyway, here is my suggestions to off-brand baggie companies for names to help take down the ziploc monopoly (the ziplocopoly):
XpressSafe (weird first letter, good word for lock)
QuickGrasper (as with the next couple, this was just synonyms for 'fast' and 'secure')
RapidGrapple (kids would love saying it)
Bag-mediate (too genius, likely already exists)
Alacrit-bound (medieval dinosaur wizard spokesman)
VigorClamp-taché (coupon for business card tie in)
Dyna-clasp (font choice is important here)
Fort Bustle Bag (Skeleton in confederate uniform, sold exclusively in South East Dollar stores)
Dash-cure (Giant made of Rock (no nose) with a hard hat on- he looks like he was jumping off a plane, and in commercials always runs... tracks starts fires? tracks start lightening? tracks start time warp and he time travels?)
HurryFirmy (advertise to women, benefit breast cancer)
BoundaWaltz (advertise to gay men, benefit Museums)
Chasta-Whiz (advertise to Christian teens, get other teens to model with bright colored shirts, have bible verse on box- doesn't matter which one)

TOP 3 NAMES:
Z-cure Zeal
-Goldilocks meets Red Riding Hood and they go to the 3 bears house. The girls put porridge in baggies and then discover that the 3 bears are dressed as Grandma. Cut to: cut up pieces of the girls in baggies in the bear's fridge. (different size bags angle)

Wind Beneath My Baggie
-Clouds, stratus not nimbus, shown. Women voice-over says anything (touching on subjects of love, mortgage rates, accepting your age). Sun going down. Tack on line: 'make sure your plastic bags are secure, choose (title screen dissolves in with harp music) Wind beneath my baggie.'

ZimPlox
-Do the exact same thing as ziploc, but with different race of actors.

Review: Abstract Realism

The horse bridled its saddle, and left out a snort so loudly that it mussed the Cyclops' hair over its eye. "I know you're used to wearing the saddle, rather than put it on- but this is ridiculous," quipped the Cyclops pausing an exact 6 seconds for laughter, a laughter too far off to be heard.

Taking off one of his eyelashes, lighting it with his heat vision, and then smoking it- the horse thought to himself, "I know I can talk, I just need to have confidence, I know I can do it." The smoke off the horse's eyelash cigarette caused a wax to build-up around the sides of the Cyclops' eye.

The Cyclops raised his calloused fingers and with his index and thumb pinched off the wax, whipping it to the ground. The wax started moving and magically shot up- "Freedom! Freedom! My hunchbacked is now carrying the weight of freedom!" The wax then ran out of the crashed spaceship that was in the shape of a neckerchief that was acting as the cave for the 2 mismatched mothers-to-be, the cyclops and the horse.

"Is that what birth looks like?" was what the horse tried to say, but what came out was, "I was raped by the Eiffel Tower," and a biting of the Cyclops.

Bleeding to his death, with a faint smile mapped across his lower lip and a 9 inch by 9 inch tear in his eye, the Cyclops was stunted by the horse's first words. Throughout their time together, the Cyclops' affinity for the horse grew drabbier and draubier, but this sign of life- the Cyclops knew the horse was going to be ok. "When you say 'by'," the Cyclops sputtered, "do you mean 'near' or do you mean the Eiffel Tower came to life and fucked you?"

The tear dropped to the ground simultaneously as the 17 month pregnant horse's water broke. Washed away were the centipede scrotums that were the currency of this parallel universe, the Easy Bake Oven Instructions the Cyclops claimed to have tattooed on his ankles now became a smear across his glorious limb. The horse was distracted by the semi-tide of their human fluids and felt no pain. From the ground, the Cyclops convulsing in horse bite pain, had a one-of-a-kind view of the horse's birthing canal. She saw a mini-Eiffel tower, its tip puncturing horse vagina, its intricate sides entwined by horse hair.

The horse put out the eyelash cigarette. There would be no fall semester this fall semester. There would be no innocence to speak of.

Review: Kirstie Alley as a Brand

Why this...



When this...



Jews for Jesus is off the hook and sense has officially jumped the shark.

(editor's note: We here at Dumb Reviews apologize for offending everyone by posting a picture of Kirstie Alley. It was artistic integrity but we knew her face is offensive to most if not all if not god)

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: When My Wife Fell Asleep Week 2

I am a nut about sketch comedy. A big ol nut, dripping nut sauce on an area designed to receive such a sauce. That's why I watch SNL. Not because it's good. But because there is a promise that maybe I might find something good in it. Take this week for example: I noticed how brilliant Fred Armisen executes his saxophone cues in 'What's Up with That' or the controlled face acting of Bobby Moynahan in the cold open and in the Anthony Crispano desk piece. FUN STUFF.

But mostly, SNL sucks. That's why I never talked much about it before despite my detailed watching. That's changed because, man, do I need to fill content.

So I'll say a couple of things I liked, and noticed, and how much I think Bill Hader will win an Oscar in the 2040s, and then I'll mention when my wife well asleep during it (to be fair- she has class on Sundays and has to wake up at 7) (to be fair to her class- she loves me and wants to spend time with me). I am not going to say anything bad about the show (well..) because I know people are trying and everyone else knows its bad.

OK- I already mentioned some things I like. I also like Bryan Cranston. He really is the only reason to watch the last couple seasons of Malcolm in the Middle and the episode where Hal becomes a painter is something to seek out. Also Breaking Bad- genius, wrenching, compliments, cancer, strong turn, really?, provokes, commitment, job well done. So I had higher hopes, which only makes for a even more bloody and mangled crash against the rocks of reality f SNL. So- Vanessa Bayer, you are being watched- way to make a repeated joke funny. Hopefully they won't make you do that 4 times this season. Some bias here: Fred Armisen singing. He has such a parody presence of performers singing. His commitment to detail is something to watch for every single week. He made the best sketch of the night, Bjelland Brothers, perfectly ridiculous. There was also a Tim Burton dig about adapting Goodnight Moon, which ruined another Goodnight Moon thing I wrote. But that's personal.

My wife fell asleep during that best sketch of the night. Which is kind of decent for her. She usually makes it to the first performance. But she lasted thru weekend update, and got to here a couple refraind of "I sent a bottle of sparkling a-pple juice to your house.... didya getit?" which, if anything, rocked her to sleep.

Rocked her. Rockter. ROCKTOBER. This month. The world.

LET'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGE OF!: Hey, IMDB updated?

I guess you were tired of being a mere data-base and decided to give into Hollywood marketing bull shit. I mean you had an air of 'nerds doin drab industry work'. Now you have that same feeling but with a schmeer of douchebag to your name. Whatever- like I ever visit your homepage anyway (if I did, I would find out such useful info as whats on TV, whats in theaters, and whose birthday it is- those aren't bad things to know by any means, just that you have so much more to offer than a homepage).

IMDB changed- for the better? Probably, but they've been so... so- upright all this time that a change is taking time getting used to. The key to IMDB has always been the information. Which is still there. So in order to properly talk about it, I should use an example- let's look at the IMDB page of Omarion.

1. I searched from the homepage- look at the first result I got: http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=OMARION

2. The rest of the post:

At Quick Glance We See:
His picture is blurry. The initial picture of the actor is quite larger than old IMDB, so if they didn't update the picture- they just stretched it out. It's very tacky, but still its very Omarion. The bios on IMDB are now more prevalent so now we can really know Omarion was in B2k and that B2k actually stands for something (boys of the new millenium- the B stands for boys).

The worst feature on new imdb is basically you have to scroll just a little bit more. So that just proves how lazy I am. They also have larger font, which makes me feel like an idiot for some reason. Also Omarion has 12 acting credits. I am more surprised that I had an opinion on the number of acting credits than I was surprised there weren't more acting credits.

15 Minutes into the Page:

I found out Omarion has a biography? Which you can buy NEW for 2.59, or used for one penny.

Good news is that if you click on a link to go deeper into IMDB, you get the old sidebar back! And Omarion has trademarks! If you click this link, it actually says- under TRIVIA- that he "is African-American".

The KEYWORDS for Omarian prove that again, he is black, he does many award shows, and that Character-name-in-the-title is #1 keyword for him means he does a lot of personal appearances and isn't really an actor.

People are the Best:
He's a sex object- oh. Makes sense now. So it makes sense why I know his name, because crazy fans actually generate money. Like this fan who wanted to know about Omarion's safety when they heard there was an attack in Glasgow and London. There was a terrorist attack where people surely died, and the first thing you can think of is if Omarion is safe? He wasn't even relevant then, let alone ever. I shouldn't be getting mad or whatever emotion I am conveying. He is a teen idol for a certain group in the mid 2000s. Let's look closer at one of these fans: On this thread, I found Omarion super fan ladyboose10. Most of her posts are about Omarion, and her opinion of him ranges from rage at unrelated posts to defensively misspelling to deep sentiments of "i think he is so so so so so so so fine so fine it drives me crazy". Her name is Verhonda. I'd call her Vertoyota and Verlandrover if I knew her personally.


SEE- even though IMDB has changed, I proved to myself that I can still have a good time making fun of the people who use it. Thanks me. You're the I'm the best.