Review: Your Dad on the Internet

"Hon, I'm about to hit send.... no I didn't ask him about that... I'm gonna hit send anyway... I already hit it..... It's gonna be 54 degrees tonight.... No, just cloudy.... well, I'm checking sports now... I don't know how to open a new tab... I know I should've asked him how in the e-mail but I already hit send.... google it? Is that the search in the top bar?.... Hey Tony Curtis died.... Tony Curtis.... you like him.... 'Some Like It Hot'... 'Spartacus'.... he was in 'Bad News Bears Go to Japan'... No, I'm reading this on Yahoo!.... because it's our homepage. I can just click home it's easier.... they probably have the same listings as Google... Sorry, I'm still looking at Sports... No that is not code for porn... No don't come in here.... What do you mean it stays on the computer forever?.... well I don't..... I DON'T.... you looked at the history?.... Keith showed you how?.... So I play online poker.... So I play online beer pong... So I play online cock fighting.... How do you logout of Facebook?.... No I don't use it for that.... So I used a younger picture of me... it says I'm married to you on it.... No I said 'on it'... I can become a fan of 'wearing your seat belt improperly for comfort'.... you wanna see what Lady Ga-gah is wearing, it's better than the last one.... Well what if I do find her attractive?.... Well maybe you should dress like that... oh no, hone, you're thinking of Kerry Perry."

Review: Double O

The Double O (or oo) has made much the cultural impact in the 21st century. It has established itself a leader in the double letter contingency. Where would yahOO or gOOgle be without the sheen of the double 0. It simultaneously is dirty and youthful, yet safe and benign (see schOOl). The double o is in other words, but I feel like I've made my point in those 3 words previously given.

Now to state my point again, repeatedly. The double o is an important cultural letter repetition of the new millennium. The double o lOOks gOOd, and makes word more fun in a looking at bOObs fort of way. The double o is trust, in it you will find enlightenment.

Let's double o-ify some words:
Teen Pregnancy--- teen proognancy
alligator attack--- croocoodoole ootoock
signifier of the apocolypse--- signooofoor oof thoo apoocoolypse

Point made. Point made again: Yahoo! and Google! are smarter people than us. They stumbled upon perfect word to define and have an ease to say. The basic format for success is the OO (or double o). That's why Bing sucks.

(amount of sense in this post: 12) (amount of time taken in this post: less than) (amount of balloons to make a pound: more of)

Review: Facebook

Hopefully, you can read this. This is a response when a Christian Film group I follow on Facebook asked its members what it felt about the movie 'Machete'.

No, I can't believe I found this person existing. The way people use Facebook right? Facebook means so much a different thing to people. For me- it means making fun of chumps. For Gaelic, it means friending spammers to increase the friend count and list friends they actually like as family members on their profile.

Oh. Good gracious.

Review: Youtube

I've always been in the camp of: you put it on the internet, you are fair game to make fun of. I still am in that camp in a never ending weekend retreat. Sometimes you find something that questions why you choose to be mean:

Fan-fucking-tastic. You got all the great makings here- you don't turn off the song in the background. Your cross is next to your Cleveland Show calender. You only show your head. Despite not being able to sing, you go for it. You let your eye brows and tongue do the work. You question yourself. Just, wow on you.

I watched more videos from his account BabaxOreilyx515x:

He's wheelchair bound. But thing is- I DON'T CARE. He's ridiculous. If anything I am encouraging him to keep doing something he clearly loves doing. It's like Timmy on South Park. Not to degrade this kid (his name is Jake) by comparing him to a TV character. The point is: I like watching this kid have fun. Sure he's bad at singing, but bad is defined word. I don't need your definitions man. Maybe it's mean I took humor from the fact that he is singing a song called, 'So Lonely'... I'm in too deep anyway. He uses his top window pane to showcase model cars. At the end of this video he congratulates himself and asks you to subscribe before saying 'more shitty singing to come'.

Why would I look past the fact Jake is in a wheelchair when Jake is in a wheelchair? Everyone knows he is and it's a part of who Jake is. If anything I am sorry for that I have to use Jake as an example of the way I feel about people. But he put a video on Youtube that amused me and he put many more others on there (92 and hopefully counting). He loves music, and wants people to know he loves music. Fine. I love watching him.

Instead of listening to a song I want to hear sometimes, I just type 'me singing' then that song on Youtube. That's how I found Jake... I typed in 'me singing Let it Be'. Out of the hundreds of videos available to me, and the 20 or so I watched- Jake connected to me. Why? His unabashed enthusiasm despite his shitty singing. Which he doesn't care, he likes doing it. He LET'S IT BE. That's why I called this review Youtube. Youtube is a big bold practical inflammatory mish-mash hob-nosed wine-goat killer bee sting encompassing scofflaw of a website. How you use Youtube kind of defines who you are. I don't think I can get that point across any more clearer than sharing these videos of Jake.

Allow Me to be Pissed: A ROGER RABBIT SEQUEL???

A preface for my anger: I get it. It's about money. The whole thing went to hell earlier in the year when they announced a Bugs Bunny CGI movie, which is the equivalent (to me) of a Jesus CGI movie. Nothing is sacred anymore. I get that. NOW LET ME BE PISSED HERE.

You are Robert Zemeckis, and you do not notice that your head is actually a penis. Maybe because it's a shriveled penis with scabs all over it, I don't know. You made some wonderful movies, then decided to stick your hands in your ass and try to reach your eyeballs and made 3 shitty CGI movies in: Polar Express, Beowulf, and A Christmas Carol. Ruin the legacy of 3 great things there because you had the technology to.

But to ruin your own genius of Roger Rabbit by making it completely CGI? ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS!?! Completely CGI? I am throwing up breakfasts from 1992 right now.

1) Roger Rabbit was great because it was an homage to the 1940s- 1950s animation style. Roger was written as a 2-D character.. a TOON! Having him CGI compromises his core being. You are dipping him in The Dip. Super shame.

2) The whole setting was a throwback to that era of old Hollywood mystery movies. Why was Roger Rabbit so revolutionary? Because it was meeting of these 2 worlds. Murder mystery Hollywood and Cartoons--- You're just ganna paint over that with CGI instead of the loving craftsmanship of ACTUALLY DOING IT! Again, you're compromising what made you great, and you're killing a beloved movie's legacy.

3) You got Bob Hoskins on board. I love that. Truth to world- him as Eddie Valient is one of the finest acting performances in history. That movie needed to be grounded in reality, which was deftly provided by Bob Hoskins--- his affiliation with the new one garners some genuine excitement. And then we remember we are just ganna paint over him into CGI. It ruined a mad-cap Jim Carrey in A Christmas Carol, and the prestigious actors of Beowulf couldn't shine through the thick shell of CGI. Even Hoskins is skeptical, "I don’t know how it’s going to work out... the thing is, it looks like a cartoon, so how do you put a cartoon in the middle of a cartoon? I can’t figure out how they are going to do it.” I trust Hoskins more than I trust Zemeckis here.

4) Sequels in general, man. (Especially when you do it more than 20 years later and especially when you weigh it down with the new technology available to you.) Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a much smarter movie than the perception of it. Simply replace cartoons in that movie with black people, and you have a film about racism and prejudice. (I don't know how you'd pull of the Judge Doom twist though). Do you have a smart enough plot ready to live up to the original AND break free of the shackles that restrained your other boring CGI films? As a children's movie, Roger Rabbit ably subverts. As a grown-up's movie, it is wildly imaginative and entertaining. There is a timelessness to it with wonderful characters and the wonderful, somewhat oxymoronic conundrum of seeing Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse together. Classic. Why would you want to step on those toes? Is money really more important than dignity? Do you know this is how people define the term 'Sell-out'?

Of course, I want to see it. Look at this strong emotional reaction I am having. I absolutely love Roger Rabbit, that's precisely why I am still hoping Robert Zemeckis shits out his brain aneurysm and comes to his senses before making this movie. Hell, if he comes out and says this movie is 2 hours of Roger Rabbit fucking Jessica Rabbit in different locations and positions, I will be the first to call him a genius. If it is slight commentary on how modern animation is done more crassly without care, and the movie becomes this huge meta gag on itself complete with Ren and Stimpy cameo- then wow, you're the best. But this is screaming marketing/franchise/Roger Rabbit comic books. So I can calm myself down all I want, but really I need to allow myself to be pissed.

Review: Moped Drinking Camp

I don't remember Moped Drinking Camp for the mopeds, nor the drinking on mopeds (though that was the specific reason any of us where there to begin with). What I think of when I think of Moped Camp is me thinking.

Moped Drinking Camp was a time of great reflection. Like any 16 year old with adults encouraging them to drink heavily, I had a lot to think about. Why are the adults at Moped Drinking Camp always mad? Why don't they have enough helmets here at Moped Drinking Camp? I sure feel sorry for the only 2 girls here at Moped Drinking Camp. These aren't so much as paths as much as they are places the counselors have drove their mopeds before. Why aren't they attending to Mikey, he just crashed his moped? Are they gonna help me out if I crash my moped? Am I prepared to have someone die in my arms in a moped accident at Moped Drinking Camp? Why is there only greasy eggs to eat at Moped Drinking Camp? Where does everyone else puke at Moped Drinking Camp? I am tired all the time, the sun is too bright all the time, I lose vision sometimes when I'm driving my moped and drinking, I'm glad we have a pool at Moped Drinking Camp but I wish it had a lifeguard and more water in it, I think I am talking out loud right now.

Sure, there were a lot of memorable people who I got to know so well I'd never want to see again, and I can't help but remember that day's events everytime I catch my facial scars in the mirror. I just think thinking about Moped Drinking Camp is the best way to remind myself why I am devoid of all emotion. And why I killed my parents.

NIGHT POST!

Which means I was busy today, which means I'll just give out these girls screennames:

Left to Right: 4GirlBentoFan, BabyBreeder88, GrrrGrrrG, WOOFinancialFrancineWOO, SiameseSubmarineDreamClosetNursePaper, WheresMYrapCareerLOLuv, InvisibleWhispers, h0ll0wC0nsOOmR88, NuttyPoopLog

Band Name: Mickey Mickey Rourke

You must love your band name if your band name doesn't seem creative for a lo-fi electronic outfit. The point of naming your band something so poorly should be that it seems ironic against your *hopefully * actually good music. This band name was set too low, allowing the music to do nothing but outshine it. That's good for people who don't care. But people like me, people who put their own chip on their shoulder, we're going to make fun of you. Bandnames, pffff. Dananananakroyd did the band name thing better, and Damon Damon Wayans sounds cooler. Damon Damon Wayans is the name of my band I am starting to be ironic against your ironic name because the only thing more ironic than irony is ironic irony. And the only thing more ironic than that is the most ironic thing in the world. Which is the song 'Ironic' by Alany Morrisette. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain why that is the most ironic thing in the world. The song is self-explanatory. Self-explanatory ironically.

The real winner here is me. Sure, Mickey Mickey Rourke is getting a google search result for this, but I never said their album name. Or if they are actually good or not. I'm reviewing their band name. I am the winner because I am talking about music on my blog. Now I feel part of 2010. Thanks me.

Review: Caribbean

Things that would seem more appealing if you put the word Caribbean in front of them:

-back massage

-marching band

-Santa Claus

-Tuesday

-underbelly

-reform tax

-tear stain

-Brooklyn

-Ireland

-communicable disease

-death bed

-death rack

-death trance

-gut pile

-Voldemort

-hurricane

Things that would have a sexual connotation if you put the word Caribbean in front of them:

-body rub

-dental floss

-shoe shine

-jumpstart

-"how are ya?"

-stowaway

-homeless man (in this case the article 'a' or 'the' must be added to signify)

-halftime show

-belt buckle

-belt loop

-beltway

-Quarterback

-Hipster

-Irish

-Subway

-Baby Medication

-loose change

-hurricane

Things with the word Caribbean in front of them:

-Carribean shot clock violation

-Caribbean presidential usurpation

-Caribbean angel hair pasta

-Caribbean bean care

-Caribbean bleach proponent

-Caribbean forty shampoos per bottle

-Caribbean Anglo-Pagan wash ritual

-Caribbean cult children's show classic

-Caribbean Camp Town ladies

-Caribbean palliative care definition

-Caribbean David Spade

-Caribbean ancient Chinese secret

-Caribbean part in Ghostbusters where the eggs are breaking in Sigourney Weaver's fridge

-Caribbean brothel-turned-church-enclave-turned-Chuck E. Cheese-turned-gay bar known for heavy vermouth usage

-Caribbean ying yang

Review Based On Previews: Easy A

Hear here, Richard Gere. I didn't see this movie, though I am going to a review this movie. Based on what? Way to read the title! Based on the previews, and how many times I've seen this preview because they show this preview every commercial break during The Office in syndication (FOX 5, Weeknights at 11). Also, the movie intrigued me enough. Thus swelled the perfect storm to review a movie I will likely never see unless someone has it on in the background when it reruns on cable. Really "dumb" review? Really Really. LINK TO TRAILER.

So we got a dark teen comedy with one-liners filled out by a premise where a girl is lying about having sex. That is ripest of ripe ground for social commentary on teen promiscuity, social hierarchy in high school, and the right of passage known as vulnerability. Plus it looks like some pot shots are taken at religion. Sprinkle in some Oscar nominees in Patricia Clarkson, Stanley Tucci, and Thomas Haden Church, add an adorable black kid... and we got something promising. Emma Stone seems like an actress with things going for her. I recognize her from movies I like where she didn't do any bad in: Zombieland, Superbad, and The Rocker (though her plot did suck the life out of The Rocker- I just like that movie and will mention it most opportunities I have to). This is her big break-out movie, the one that solely rests on her shoulders, and they are promoting the hell out of it. Good for her.

So why am I not really wanting to see it? Well, it's basically a teen comedy marketed as Girl Power teen comedy. I am not a girl, nor am I a teen. I've enjoyed Girl-centered Teen Comedies before. There was the fun and real social commentary (and Tina Fey and Tim Meadows) of Mean Girls, and Heathers hit all the targets in making a dark teen comedy work on any level. Easy A? Not a bad plot, one that I think won't flesh out... she'll gain power, be overcome by that same power, a boy will be there, the people who oppose here will gets what's coming to them- all with the help of one-liners. Oh, these one liners! Using Tom Cruise as a punch-line. 'Rumors about my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated.' That's just not funny. 10 Things I Hate About You also wasn't funny, but it was manageable. Why? Well the plot was taken from great literary work, much as Easy A is inspired by The Scarlet Letter, and 10 Things had some fine performances from Living on the Ledger, JGL, the underrated David Krumholtz, and something that turned out to be Julia Styles. So, keep ripping off a masterpiece, and let Emma Stone do the heavy lifting- and you might be just as good as a movie I can tolerate. Is that hoping for the best? I don't care, I don't want to see it.

It's a preview. They're supposed to use the broadest parts and put a song in the background. Show Emma Stone being attractive, and highlight the actors people know. All previews are bad and shouldn't speak to anything about the movie. Marketing is the worst. But at least it gives you a seed to plant in your brain garden. So with Easy A"- Boo? Yeah.

Review: Local News Chopper

Inherently a good thing, News Choppers have become a nadir of newscast technology. Which makes for a fun joke.

I am sure they are still relevant and provide much needed traffic updates and have cool de-fogging technology, but its 2012 already and most of the world doesn't care while the rest has ended.

So in order to gather my thoughts, let's pro and con this thing:
PRO: With so many news stations, it is now easy to get a used helicopter on the cheap.
CON: That isn't really a pro.

PRO: In smaller markets, if you have a helicopter, you are ahead of the competition.
CON: You are in smaller markets.

CON: I can't think of anything really the Simpsons haven't covered with Arnie Pie in the Sky. That's why I used his picture above. "You're not the time, Kent, you're not the time", other quotes.
PRO: Talking about the Simpsons.

CON: Helicopters create dust.
PRO: Helicopters crash spectacularly.

PRO: Like all News equipment, the Chopper is invaluable. It provides information other instruments can't and provides a dignity to a news station. As technology increases, the Chopper's role is being altered into more specific uses of live coverage while functioning as a strong tool for reporters.
CON: Helicopter pilots, despite being notoriously handsome, are prone to adventure. They are always trying to fill a void in their life by taking assignments to fly wealthy businessmen to the Amazon jungles or drag racing their helicopters vertically along tall buildings.

What did we learn? Ferver. Why did we learn? We will. When did how? Of.

This Conversation: About Elijah Wood

Man at ball game with baseball glove has foul ball directly come to him. Man with baseball glove does not catch the ball.

Man one row behind man with the glove, encouraged by the 'Ooohs' and nonchalant attitude of the man with glove, playfully engages with the heckle of, "Hey, Elijah Woods called... YOU SUCK!"

Puzzled, the man with the glove turns around to face the man one row behind and replies, "Sorry?"

Hesitant, but still with the confidence of a bubble bee in spring, the man one row behind snorts, "Heh, you suck. Ya know, cuz ya, uh, dropped the ball dere."

"Oh yea, I can comprehend the part that I suck," the man with the glove shot back. "But Elijah Wood called?..."

"Yeah, he, uh sucks."

"Oh, well most people don't think he sucks, so I was pretty confused..."

"Yeah, yeah you suck like Elijah Woods sucks at being in movies."

"Elijah WOOD."

"Yeah."

The man with the glove flushed on an angry shade of red. "You've been calling him Elijah WOODS, his name is Elijah WOOD."

"Whoa, sorry. I didn't know I'd be messing with his fan club here. Haha. C'mon you're alright, huh?"

"I'm not that big of an Elijah Wood fan, sir! What I am a fan of is Reason and Logic. Judging from the pronunciation from his name I bet you only know him from the Lord of The Rings?"

"Yeah... and that movie sucked."

Man with glove shrugs his shoulders so stiffly, the resulting crack made the leftfielder misread a ball.

"I am not here to debate any opinions of any movies or actors sir. But based on your insult and the fact that you refered to the Lord of the Rings as a singular movie, I feel I will outweigh in a battle of intellect, so I am going to turn around and appreciate baseball on my level of understanding, and you continue to enjoy it in yours." The man with his gloves starts to glomb back in his chair.

"Well, I bet you can't name any other Elijah Woods movies neither..." the man one row behind picked and flinged out of his teeth."

It is important to note that this is a Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim home baseball, who the man with the glove is an avid fan of. He is so much of a fan that in addition to bringing a Nolan Ryan glove he had since he was 11, he also has the official licensed replica Angels baseball cap. That cap, colored red, coupled with how red the man with the glove's face got, made for the reddest head any casual baseball fan has ever seen.

The man with the glove uncorked his mouth and out spewed: "1) The Good Son. North. He was in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Ang Lee's The Ice Storm.... more recently Sin City. 2) The core of your argument is based on not enjoying a critical, financial, and global success of a movie that everyone loves; a movie that, despite its successes, you think isn't good, and therefore learned a close semblance of one of the actor's name to use as a derogatory comment at a public venue? 3) Quote: "You suck like he sucks at being in movies". You, a grown man who has mature and financial capability of treating himself to a baseball game, could not think of the word for acting. Sidenote to 3) You said being in movies, yet stated you only saw him in one movie. You sir don't have your facts straight. And finally 4) That despite my previous telling it to you a minute ago, you still pronounced his name incorrectly. IT'S WOOD. NO 'S'!"

You could hear Torii Hunter's deep breath as he commited to a double.

The crowd cheers but with a line from the man one row behind inside it saying, "Alright. You made your point, let's watch the ball game."

The man with the glove, weighed down by his smile, leans deep in his chair completely ignorant of the fact that he missed catching foul ball.

Review: Not Budging

Not Budging is multiple things. Commitment to one's self. Being comfortable. Leading by example. Not moving.

Standing up for what you believe in is much the much harder than sitting down for what someone tell's you. Not budging can be a good thing, but it's good can also be a bad. Standing up for what you believe in- good for you. Standing up for what you believe in- way to alienate.

What am I saying? You have decisions. And you are a person. I can't get any more basic or real or whatever I am than that.

Review: Budging

Budging can be a lot of things. Accepting. Growing. Compromising. Learning. Moving slightly.

Budging is if nothing more than a thing. A thing that happens over the course of life. There are good budges- say instead of watching Week 1 Football, you get talked into watching 'The Running Man" and experience that form of man magic. And there's bad budging- like talking yourself into watching any other Arnold Schwarzengger movie.

Budging is living is taking things for what they are and informing yourself before taking an action. If I said that sentence more clearly it would say- You can always be better at being yourself. Budging, which indicates small movements, is the best way to test which ways make you better. Budging back is just as easy, if not easier.

It's budging, it's not rocket science.

WAY TO READ A LINE: Willem DaFoe in 'The Boondock Saints'

Hopefully you know what line I am gonna say. I say that because I am in favor of calling 'The Boondock Saints' a bad movie. Why? The plot and directing. I'm not here to get into that. I am here to heap praise on one particular line of that movie. The approximate 1/2038th of the movie I enjoyed. And of course it belongs to Willem DaFoe. DaFoe has a maniacal impatience he brings to his character. Like how the Green Goblin still felt cartoony despite being a businessman. Or how he illustrates the naturally goofiness of having a bloody penis meeting the actual horror of such an act in 'Antichrist'. Or really any line he says as Klaus in 'The Life Aquatic'. DaFoe is straight up IN-DEPTH. So, he makes an imperfect movie less tolerable by simply acting the fuck out of this scene, which he narrates: (watch for 43 seconds in).

You don't need to see this movie now. Dafoe delivers a ridiculous sentence 'There was a Fire FIGHT!' with a gusto that catches the viewer off-guard. He then follows it up by swaying around. He also takes a backseat to his hair, letting that sweaty string quartet dance in the daylight for a bit. 'There was a Fire FIGHT!' is a great line because you really don't need any plot or story, but you just want to see. In fact, the plot and story bury that line so deeply that I almost forgot about it completely. So Boondock Saints would only be a good movie if Willem DaFoe was at least 90% of it. Or if it was The Boondocks playing for the New Orleans Saints in a series of vignettes set to the same pacing, music, and shot similarly to Treme.

Also, I'm sorry if you actually like Boondock Saints. I hate it so much I honestly forget why I hate it. So I owe you? Nah.

Review: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

The nature of a tunnel is two open ends. If a tunnel only had one open end, it'd be a giant test tube on its side that you can drive into. Tunnels are open ended though. Therefore the saying the light at the end of the tunnel, when used as motivation, is redundant. Unless that person is ignorant of tunnels and doesn't know how they work. If you are using the phrase 'the light at the end of the tunnel' to simply start a conversation about the actually light at that particular tunnel's end, then by all means- go ahead. But the light at the end of the tunnel is a hackney cliche and really, we get it.

A question you might be asking is, "what if it is night time when I leave the tunnel?" Don't be cute.

No the tunnel metaphor holds ground. In life we often don't know what is around us. We have blinders on, and we move forward, we push forward, until we see it all. And that all is supposed to be 'the light'. Light is a vague enough term for it to seem poetic with resonance. But is light what we really want. We want what the light is shining on. Be it (to use driving metaphors) a clear road ahead, a 13 car pile-up, or another tunnel. So my fault with the phrase "the light at the end of the tunnel" is pretty personal. Personal in that I know a tunnel ends and the light doesn't concern me. I am a "The end at the end of the tunnel"- type guy. Nothing fancy, just a life.

Review: Yesterday's Review: Patriots

What was that, right? Was there a purpose in posting that certain video? Did I just like that video? Why did I call it say it was for Patriots? Was it being ironic because it was french? Was it dadaism? Was it thought out at all? More, importantly, when will the blog go back to being normal?

To answer that last question and ignore the rest, the blog will go back to normal tomorrow. And to answer any lingering sentiment I suppose you may have: That post yesterday should've been called 'Review: Too Busy' as much as this post should be called 'Review: Rhetorical Questions' as much as you read this blog without a Facebook link. Anyway, video for laughing at:

Review: Patriots

Let'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGEs OF!: Angus VS Baby's Day Out

VS

CLICK EACH PICTURE TO TAKE YOU TO THE IMDB PAGE

A different type of IMDB page scouring this month. Taking a look at two movies at once is like killing two nearly dead birds with a semi-visable stone. Why these two movies from the mid-90s? They have the same director! Patrick Read Johnson, besides having a middle surname that is a popular activity to encourage children to do, has directed 6 movies, 2 you are reading about, 3 that know one will ever care about, and his first movie was the great movie poster of a movie of 'Spaced Invaders'. Now, his most popular movies are 1994's Baby's Day Out (which was Home Alone but Outside as a Baby), and the 1995 teen-angst comedy Angus. Both movies were benefactor's of marketing plans to under 18 demographics, so that's why I can say I have seen each movie multiple times in my youth, and once each in my adulthood.

A Quick Glance Over We See:

That John Hughes wrote Baby's Day Out. If we ever suspected John Hughes of being a stoner, this is the proof pudding we needed. Also, another first note is that this movie is altogether easy to make fun of and thereby I am setting myself up for defeat by talking about it. Angus, on some other far distant hand, has their cast listed alphabetically. Which means you have to click more, and scroll down to see who played the title character. So, Baby's Day Out wins this round. 1-0.

Let's Look at the Career's of:

There are a plenty of great actors in both these movies. Baby's Day Out has Joe Mantegna, Joey Pantoliano, and the underrated Brian Haley as the bumblers, and Lara Flynn Boyle as the Baby mom. Angus boasts two of the greatest actors of all-time, which is super weird. Oscar denier George C. Scott and Oscar winner Kathy Bates. But the ultimate match-up is between the title characters

The Baby as played by brothers Adam Robert Worton and Jacob Joseph Worton. They have no other credits to their name. Though Adam has a literal idiot being excited about seeing him act in a Spielberg remake that has never been announced. Both will turn 18 in Novemeber. Here's to getting laid from past fame, fellas! Adam is more popular because he actually has message board comments.

Angus Bethune is played by Charlie Talbert, in his first and last starring role. His bigger movies I heard of were Van Wilder (uncredited as Stomach Guy) and Art School Confidential (unnamed as Vince's Editor). He was also one of the leads in the cleverly titled 'Bachelor Party Las Vegas', alongside such luminaries as Kumar, Freshman Year Van Wilder aka pre-quel Bo Duke aka the male teen hunk in Mean Girls, Vincent Pastore, and Turk from Scrubs. It is within his trivia section where his legend is explained: "Discovered while eating in a Wendy's located at the Lake Forest, Illinois, Oasis over the Tri-State Toll Road (I-94) when he was coming back after watching a bike race at the Northbrook Velodrome with a friend. Service was lousy and Charlie started making jokes at this guy waiting for his French fries. The guy happened to be Patrick Read Johnson, who would be the director of Angus (1995). He told Charlie that, if he thought he was so funny, he should audition for his movie. Charlie did, and won the part."

So we're at a push, right? No. Angus wins for featuring before famous James Van Der Beek, that red-headed kid from American Pie that was called Sherminator (he is actually pretty awesome in Angus), and one of my favorite all time kid performances to like ironically enough to love, Ariana Richards. 1-1.

15 minutes into the page:

AWARDS: Baby's Day Out - Zero; Angus- Nominated- Best Performance by an Actress Under 10- Bethany Richards (Ariana's Little Sister). 2-1, Angus.

TRIVIA: We learn Baby's Day Out: had the score written in 3 weeks, it cost $50 million to make (right?), and Verne Troyer split stunt baby duty with a robot. Angus, we learn, could've been a much better movie but thanks to cutting out a gay dad, half the movie being cut due to a licensing agreement with TNT, and the overtly presence of Green Day (J.A.R.) the movie became much the play-by-play of any outsider in High School movie. Verne Troyer playing a baby gets it. 2-2.

People Are the Best:

Cool_Dudez11 has an urgent message: he found a scene in the special features trailer where it looks like the baby is actually getting hurt. He even makes screen grabs (they are no longer hosted). The rest of the commenter thread goes on to tell him that of course he's wrong, suprisingly through logic, and not calling him an idiot.

Ok- so Cool Dudez thinks Charles Grodin looks like Steve Martin, and loved made for television movie with a cameo by Justin Timberlake Model Behavior.

Cancerousspyguy asks the board What Kind of People like this movie? His theory is that he wasn't popular in high school, so he liked it because he could relate to it. While his popular friend didn't like it because he was so damn popular. A popular girl comments, and then cancerouspussy asks her how it feels to be popular, which makes the whole thing a giant pity party.

Oh, Cancer Spy? He started his comment career in 2007 with the Angus thread. He tried a lot in 07 but wasn't getting responses. He posted about once a year since then. His last one in 2007 was again, too personal, asking someone who called Before Sunrise a bad movie if they ever experienced anything like the movie. His 2010 post was asking if anyone was going to the Before Sunrise tour of Vienna, which one person responded to and said no.

These two snapshots of people who watch these movies provide me with my decision on who won: Angus, places a lot of emphasis on emotion and literally the best actor in the world, George C. Scott, in your movie lifts it to a higher plain. But no it didn't. Baby's Day Out is a weird movie to like, and frankly, even know it exists. Just talking about it in my blog gives me the same feeling you get when a piece of fuzz on your tounge. It immediately is weird and weirdly not gross.

Final Verdict:

I actually enjoy the beginning of Angus, where he plays football well but no one cares and he keeps breaking the popular kid's nose repeatedly. Then it coasts on being an outsider movie. What could've been good, turned to be not good. How do I know its not good? Well the director made Baby's Day Out. And hasn't gotten consistent work since then. Baby's Day Out is a weird movie because it exists. Any movie starring a baby is weird. If you actually watch the movie (don't) you can see there are ample times for the burglars to grab the baby, but instead they just talk about how they're gonna grab it. Patricks Read Johnson, you don't work for a reason.

Also, I forgot who won already.

Review: Wild Goose Chase

Shakespeare first used the term Wild Goose Chase in Romeo and Juliet, quoth Mercutio: "Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five." (CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR FIRST SHAKESPEARE REFERENCE DUMB REVIEWS!) Today. A wild goose chase refers to foolishly following something unattainable.

My friends, I have went on a wild goose chase recently. Let me tell you something about it: Soooooo Relaxing! I mean, I didn't catch any birds, nor came close, but man do geese take a scenic path. They're not that fast either. So I could take my time and really- just enjoy being outside in nature. There was a time when I feel like I could've captured one of the goose, but why bother? He himself was on a wild goose chase, the same wild goose chase as I, why would I want to interrupt such a leisurely activity.

I don't know what the hub bub is about Wild Goose Chases. Maybe it's due to the actually chasing part. Chasing implies a menacing motivation behind it. If you do like I, and simply say 'Here goosey goosey! Honk Honk goosey goosey!' while slightly bending forward and mimick something in your hand while not taking the whole 'chase' things so literally- then you'd be having a good time. "These are WILD geese, what if one gets rowdy?" Well they are still geese, you can still hit them pretty hard. It's not like they got a hard outer shell or anti-kick serum. They usually fly anyway, so you just have to follow them. And they make a lovely arrow V pattern always pointing in the way to go.

If you're still skeptically, ask a local woodsman to go on a Domesticated Goose Chase. Their wings are clipped, and their life is pretty much over. So that should get your confidence up. If you want something more dangerous than what I described, a Wild Swan Chase... yikes. That yikes refers to the metaphorical nature of all this, where in swans, being a symbol for beauty/vanity, are always the most dangerous life paths to follow. That last sentence huh?

REVOLUTIONARY CHARACTER ALERT: Mighty Joe Jon- The Black Blonde

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Review: Nepotism

Delocated is more brilliant than your show. The premise of a reality show about a man in the witness protection program has proved to be a poignant commentary on the state of celebrity and fame. Main character "Jon" often is distracted by the fact that someone is trying to kill him with his own obsession of making money of his fame. That premise works because reality shows are so ripe for parody. Now- in season 2, we have a new character that makes "Jon's" day-to-day problems meet his bigger problem of someone out to kill him in the form of a TV executive out to make better ratings.

Enter Mighty Joe Jon- The Black Blonde. (click and watch clip)

As stated- Delocated is possibly the most brilliant show currently on TV. They so well established their premise that anything can work within their means. Mighty Joe Jon is a TV Executive, and the character serves as a point to call out all the ridiculous things reality shows do to their 'stars'. Mighty Joe Jon exists to make his reality star money... he gives "Jon" hints on to broaden his appeal, encourages a catch phrase, coincides that catchphrase into a popular song from the 80s, and even finds a food to market one of "Jon's" strengths (SPOILER: his strength was grief and they made grief jerky (hahahahah)). But just take in Mighty Joe Jon. See him for what he is. He is not only a black guy who dyes his hair blonde... he is THE black guy who dies his hair blonde. He has cornered that niche market on reality TV and now has taken his talents to TV Executive (after he wrote a successful book on 'reaction faces'). I like to think that Joe Jon was so good at being a reality TV show star, that a black blonde person can never be on a reality TV show again because they will just live in Mighty Joe Jon's shadow (I also imagine his blonde hair shows up in his shadow). The character just reminds me of the marketing of Jersey Shore or Kate Gosselin clinging to fame. Mighty Joe Jon is bringing the disturbing truths of reality that Delocated has hinted at before. Now that they have full half-hour episodes, they really can flesh out just how awful reality TV is.

I would be remiss not to mention Jerry Minor, who has been one of my favorite people since high school. You'll remember him from Mr. Show, and forget him from his lone season on SNL. Jerry is a legend in my house, and this remarkable character (who is a full time character, as Jerry was second billing) is now part of the pantheon of his remarkable career.

Seriously, Delocated is unfairly funny. I feel a warm transcendence whenever I watch it. It's like watching Da Vinci paint or Prince fuck. Turbulently controlled. I would say it's on a Python-level, but it is not a sketch show. The things that paved the way for it are Get a Life and Strangers with Candy, though Delocated brings a more informed balance to the show. Which is weird to say, because they never show that they do. So many ridiculous sentences are said so nonchalantly, that this shouldn't even be a TV show. This should be a love letter we send to the future that says, "We had art, and beauty, and we were smart and were outraged." But that would mean the future would have to be a lovely place. *sigh*