TV Moustache Week: Trivial Mustaches

Mustaches do not make a man. Instead, the mustache should serve as a representation of confidence and character. A man isn't defined by his mustache, as was the case with a certain Thomas Sullivan Magnum (Magnum P.I.), where his mustache has come to define a genre and time period. The failure of Magnum P.I. was not letting us get to know the character enough as to understand why he decided he looked good with a mustache.

In the case of Simon and Simon, at least the mustache served the purpose of discerning the 2 Simon's. AJ was the smart one who went to college, and Rick had a mustache. But there, the mustache more defined who Rick was- and really that's why you don't know this show.

This brings us to the top-of-the-line useless mustache- Earl Hickey. The mustache itself was great, thick and a good percentage of the face. But Earl was more a maypole of the show where a bunch of more colorful characters danced around. His mustache was a mere decoration on a character who routinely didn't live up to his mustache's hype. We are to believe Earl grew his mustache out out of some type of kitsch value- not because of any strength of character, but because it'd be Jason Lee without it. The better mustache on the show was that of Darnell aka The Crabman, whose mustache was enhanced by his relaxed attitude and specific rules the writer's laid out for him.

That leads us to what makes a good mustache. A mustache works best when it simply takes a backseat to the heightened reality a character creates for himself. Simplified: the mustache doesn't define the character. Simplifiedier: The mustaches makes sense. There is no second guessing having hair between that person's lip and nose.

Meathead had a good mustache. He was a young idealist who went walrus on his facial hair to show his quirky sensibility. Were Magnum P.I. emblazoned a generation of TV watchers with his, Meathead reflected the sensibility with his. The writing for his character gets a lot of the credit here, as Michael Stivic was an agnostic, scholar, good husband, and foil to the cranky Archie Bunker. He is much more than a mustache, however all the traits that make his mustache good (young idealist, shaping, being berated)- hold it back from being a great mustache.

This week at Dumb Reviews, we will look at truly great mustaches. To help answer the question of what is a GREAT mustache, let's look at a case close to being great: Al Boreland.

The obvious: it is not a mustache. It is a beard, which totally disqualifies the man from disscussion. Further more, the beard is another metaphor for the broader strokes that came to really define the character. Even so- this was a really defined character, who never broke from the person the writers laid out for him to be. Overtly nice guy, who out shined the grunting man vestige of Tim Allen's Tim Taylor, personally displayed sensitivity, had a catch phrase, and generally felt had many more weird character quirks that (if not greater than) were equal to his beard.

Which brings us to a golden rule of greatness: Mustaches and the man act as one.

For further TV mustache triviality

Alex Trebek - champion of the mustache of the intelligent man for so long, but disappointingly ruined his own legacy by shaving it off. Never have trivia and facial hair ever been in more harmony.

Aldo Goldolfus - the show 'Number 96' was not only ahead of it's time with gay characters on TV, but totally in tune with the tradition of having a foreign character having a thick mustache to distinguish he is foreign.

Everyone on Deadwood - Really great depiction of a time when men grew mustaches to establish their greatness. Too many to declare one truly great, as these mustaches were a product of their time as well. Still- just remarkable mustaches.

Gomez Addams - If there were a prize for artistic mustache, or avant-stache-garde, here's were we would see it. Gomez is a fully realized character with a bounty of quirks and mental intricacies that it makes me wonder- why does he have a mustache? It works though. He's the Captain Beefheart, the Seventh Seal, the Van Gogh of television mustache.

Judge Joe Brown - a power mustache. I think his TV show would be nothing without his mustache distinction. Therefore I imagine a Judge Joe Brown mustache team that preps it and rubs it with aloe vera before each taping.

Thanks for the Detail: 30 Rock

It's easy to get bored. Yawn. What's my point already? OK.

30 Rock is a show that can deftly mock reality television by pointing out nuances that have yet to be parodied, while simultaneously defend them within the context of their own reality serving as a parallel to our own reality. They can also set up a plot with their sad sack character by revealing he is wearing a thong.

The amount of timing and structure in the detail of this show is uncanny. Let's take, for example, the C-plot of last night's episode "Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightening" which was the aforementioned Lutz storyline. With the thought of disaster on the minds of the TGS staff, they quickly make their emergency plans which culminates into Lutz having to choose only 3 of the staff because that's all his car can hold.

But before we find out Lutz has no car, and even before we find out Lutz is doing this because he just wants to feel wanted, we have to establish that this thought of disaster is taken seriously. They throw some pretty wild disasters at us (tidal waves taking over New York, tornado of guns, the 2nd biblical flood), but all these are taken seriously. We can tell why, by a subtle action of Pete acknowledging they need to write this down, and then just simply following through with writing it down:

It's not really a joke, but it's kind of funny in the long run (kind of). But the point being is that they didn't have to do that at all, but it effectly but the reality of the situation in the forefront. When reality is grounded , then sure- have Pete reference his Olympic past and Sue say she is willing to fuck cannibals. You've earned it now.

So thank you, innoocuous action of Cerie writing on the white board.

The Legacy of Oscar Snubs for Animals

Another year of Oscar nominations, another victory for humans everywhere. Did you know such great movie stars as Flipper the dolphin, Salty the Sea Lion, and The Gorilla Mist gang have never once been even considered even viable contenders for Oscars?

Well in 2010, the game is even trickier for animal actors, what with all the meaty roles being handled by computers and voice-over acting (Legend of the Guardian: Owls of Owltown) or played by humans portraying humans in movies that don't need animals (Animal Kingdom).

Still we got some fine performances that the academy has looked over... looked over is putting it too gently... that the academy doesn't care to acknowledge:

-The dog in Greenberg, whose doghouse needs served as a subtle yet powerful antagonist against Ben Stiller.

-The black swan in Black Swan- you were there for Natalie's Portmania to turn into you, but you weren't really there. I get it? I get you! Way to out shine Barbera Hershey and Jackie from the 70s.

-Little Blackie in True Grit - death scenes usually get the Academy's attention. As do scenes of great physicality, like running and running in water. You literally carried the actors in True Grit. Also the snake deserves some honorable mention.

-Rabbit Meat and squirrels- Winter's Bone- that family wouldn't have looked so poor and desperate without you.

-There was probably a lion or something in Clash of the Titans- good on you, probably.

-Sonny the dog- Due Date- the only believable character in this movie? No? Ok.

-The Vampire Bat in Twilight Eclipse-- didn't see, but if a vampire movie doesn't have a vampire bat, then what is the fucking point (other than for hormones)

Also, Piranhas from Piranha 3D-- that movie needed more Christopher Llyod. Samething with Furry Vengeance, Cats and Dogs The Revenge of Pussy Galore, Secretariet, and Wall Street 2- could've used more Christopher Lloyd. I also wish they would've had a real life bear play Yogi, that would've at least gotten a Golden Globe nom.

They don't things like this anymore. They don't let goofiness stand on its own legs. This was 1977, where Bill Murray was the new guy on SNL and still did things with his brother- Brian Doyle. Where Paul Schaeffer establishes his ever shrinking credibility, where Christopher Guest shows his young renegade genius, and where the Belz' legend bore its darkly shaded undertone.

It's pretty straight forward comedy taking a liberty with their audience. There's simulated sex, rape skits, and swearing for the sake of swearing. It's a contract you agree to with the performers, which is stated clearly in the title. What makes this album so special is the high level they come at you. Sure, its blue humor- but presented in such manners as a Mr. Rogers-pedophile-parody- the album reminds us of how smart people are willing to try unpopular and crude things back in their youth.

Way to Read a Line: Phyllis Lapin

from last night's The Office, episode "Ultimatum":

"I Know Sue, she's not that great. Her husband's in a wheelchair, you know?"

That one line says so much about Phyllis Lapin-Vance. The Sue she is referring to is the office manager at Vance refrigeration. Pam thinks Sue is great because Sue has a fun employee activity board full of colors and mingling, which Pam is trying to emulate with her New Year's Resolution board. Phyllis knows better. Being the wife of the great Bob Vance, she knows his employees. She knows that Sue is basically a failed elementary school teacher who balled up all that resentment into an art project that is a 2 x 2 foot square of cork board on a wall.

Phyllis still remains vulnerable and gossipy (as later evidenced by her intervening with Holly). In this case, she let's us know that Sue has all this time freed up for her employee square because her husband is in a wheelchair. Now, Phyllis is not insinuating that Sue's life is less meaningful. She's just saying that she has extra emotions she has to deal with, and that maybe certain emotions make her put on that brave, chipper office managerial face.

Phyllis speaks her mind and doesn't hold back. When wondering what people like about her, Phyllis stated that it was ''probably my jugs''. The quote about Sue is a testament to the writers. It's one line, but we get backstory and some character depth out of Phyllis, a reveal on who Sue is, a counter point to Pam's go-get 'em attitude, and most importantly- a fleshed out world in which these characters live.

Review: The Hole Story

2005 must've been a great year for breaking the mold in the arthouse underground hipster vogue semi-circle that dominated coffee shop talk. Me? I wouldn't know. I was just starting to hate Scrubs at that point.

I came along "The Hole Story" on the strength of filmmaker Alex Karpovsky, whose performance in 'Tiny Furniture' I found nuanced and domineering. Or nuanced and domineering. Whichever sounds better coming first. So I scoped him out, and came across this mockumentary about a mysterious ice hole.

Well, the mock part of the mockumentary portion was sort of ruined by me knowing that this was all an act, but it did me allow to concentrate on the film making and plot of a pretty slow moving movie. Slow as in mumblecore.

Now I like mumblecore movies a lot, and 'The Hole Story' lies on the outer fringe of that genre, which I think even 5 years later (present day) that genre is still on the outer fringe of popular culture (at least we got Greta Gerwig in an Ivan Reitman film starring Ashton Kutcher!). So in 2005, this movie was pretty far ahead of the game.

I say this is a mumblecore movie, because the lead character (and really the only character we follow) in the film is a filmmaker, dry wit, going through relationship problems, but ultimately dealing with himself- all within the same tropes/style of mumblecore. I am tired of typing mumblecore. But the movie stands out in that we just concentrate on 1 character, and watch that character break down, build up, shake all around. Karpovsky's real performance against a drab, rednecky backdrop take this film to the heights of me wanting to review it 6 years after the filming.

Though I knew this was a mockumentary, I still found myself wandering about what was real. Did they convince a mental institution that Alex needed help? Does a town really have that small of a Paul Bunyan Statue? The scene where we see Karpovsky, shaggy haircut in full effect, talking to a local cable hunting/fishing show host and asking him about how the personal/professional relationship works with his wife (who gives recipes on her husband's show) and Karpovsky's wordless, motionless reaction show that the filmmaker knew exactly what he is doing.

This movie is on Netflix instant watch, as is 'Bass Ackwards' another movie he acts in, and 'Trust Us This is All Made Up' which follows TJ Jagodowski and David Pasquesi relationship in relation to their improv.

Some Shit Sherlock

Investigation:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=biggest+turd&aq=f

My case: