Current State: The Office

As we watch this season, we have to constantly remind ourselves that Michael Scott is leaving. With that layering of knowing, The Office has fans such as myself speculating on every little occurrence the show. So let's do that.

Andy has had a major plot implications every episode so far this season. I like that his plot involves other characters (his budding friendship with Darryl, Phyllis' genuine like of him, and the Gabe/Erin "love triange"), and Ed Helms is in movies and came from the Daily Show. So he's different enough from Michael Scott with the same Steve Carrell breeding.

Though I don't think Andy is taking over as boss, he's clearly not good enough, I do see him taking over as the source material in future episodes. The boss, well, we can argue that we already know. The past episode, "Viewing Party", pretty much established that Gabe is in command. Maybe once Michael Scott leaves, Gabe takes on more of Michael's business duties, while passing along the blander day-to-day things along to the office administrator (she knows Michael's job better than anyone else, and she has a sales background (something Michael alluded to when she walked on coals). There's also the wildcard of Daryl, who has big plans at this company, and is an established idea man with a succesful track record. Oh and Jim? Well, Jim is fucking up more. Jim is turning into the Michael with his emotions in check. Just the 'fuck-up' part, not 'fucked-up'. So with Andy's idiocy, and Jim's bumbling- we'll pretty much have the same office in tact.

But what about the exit for Steve Carrell? There is a precedent of David Brent saying 'Fuck off' and believing in himself. Goodness, knows that'd be good for Michael. But he needs something deeper. Is his relationship with Erin that something? History of the two: they had nice bonding during Scott's Tots (she was there for Michael), Michael can be nice to her (the ending of Secretary's Day), and now- Erin views Michael as her father, which he accepts. Michael always wanted to be the best friends with his co-workers, his "family". Jim and Pam have always rejected that notion, despite Michael's best efforts. That was symbolized in the christening to a degree, but I believe there is much more to be mined between Jim, Pam, and Michael. Michael does look at those 2 as perfect, and he does find Erin "a bit of a rube". Michael doesn't realize he is just as bit as a rube. The Erin and Michael relationship is one of the best things the show has going for it right now (Dwight taking care of CeCe has the potential to be the best thing the show has ever done- fingers crossed- not jinxing), and that is exciting. Ellie Kemper and Steve Carrell are 2 amazing improvisers. Just look at their father-daughter scene. Throw in the improv skills of Zach Woods (The World's Most Awkward Boy) and the information we just learned about Gabe (he's in charge, he likes throwing parties) and we have something there.

Michael's been pretty self destructive and even more immature lately. Now, Michael Scott has a chance to be involved. He saw the Pam, Roy, Jim thing play out in front of him. Now he has the Gabe, Erin, Andy problem presenting itself, with people on his own level. Couple that with giving Dwight (who is one of the best left-field character's in TV history) something to do, and we have the makings here. About a half a season left- don't waste it.

Review: Tossing

Ah, the sweetness of tossing. The middle ground between throwing and lobbing . The cornerstone of gentlemen's baseball. Yes, tossing is the 1st love of catching, and they have had many children together.

But the failure of tossing is it's key component. The unspoken nature that a 'toss' is a lighter throw (ie toss your cookies under the standard of throwing up). Unspokeness leads to danger, as one's man's toss is another man's heave, fling, or chuck.

Tossing is a connection between two people. Tossing take time. You toss with someone, you trust that person. You take care of that person. This isn't the back alley's of crime festooned 1950's San Francisco- this is a 2 way street with very precise lighting street lamps.

When you're out of reach, across the room, or a reasonable amount of stories below, and you just need a non-liquid, likely not to shatter, with-in your strength limits of catching- thank tossing and all that it's tossed for you.

Review: "Teaching"

Those aren't fists yet. Keep curling your fingers. The whole way. Yeah. Yeah! Good, good. Quit moving your thumb around. Keep it in one place. Keep it down. Try tucking it in. Like that. Good. Can you squeeze any? At a boy! Now do the same thing with the other hand. Oh, still keep your one hand in the fist. Keep it shut. If you have to keep it under your arm pit, buddy, we wanna make 2 fists at once. That's it, curl, curl... What do we do with the thumb? Yes! Alright, now slowly take the fist from out of your armpits. Squeeze if you can... Look! You have 2 fists! Now swing your arm. Whoa, alright. Now put your arms to the side. Lift one up, still with the fists. Make an L with your elbow. That's a V, move it out. Good. Now slowly bring it back in the L- still with the fist- and now bring it forward, making it extend out straight in front of you. Good. Now- we're gonna do that but faster. Ok. L shape- baaack, and forward. Back, forward. Back/forward. Backforward. Bacfowrd. Bckfrwd. Bahfd! YES! Good job! That's what throwing a punch feels like. Now if only you could talk.

Let's List: The Type of Parents Who Would Buy This Pink Estate Wagon Rider for Their Child

-Kooky Parents That Buy the Fun Soaps That Encourage Kids to Bath By Themselves

-Neurotic Parents That Live Through Their Kid's Facebook Pages

-Busy Parents That Have The Nanny Deal with Halloween Costumes

-Overwhelmed Parents That Have a Convoluted yet Informed Idea of the America Working Class

-Single Mothers Who Won Custody

-Single Fathers Doing Their Best With Their Daughter

-Gay Farming Parents Who Struck it Rich With Their Line of Organic Carrot Yogurt

-Color Blind Parents That Like the Saw Movie Franchise

-Hilarious Parents Who Prank Their Children

-Hipster Parents Taking Irong Too Far

-Parents That Were Frozen in the 1400s and once being Unfrozen This Was the First Thing They Saw

-Bad Parents Whose Kids Are Not Informed Enough About Breast Cancer

-Grand Parents Still Impressed by Wood Paneling

-Oven Roasted Parents Forced to Purchase Campy Items by the Item's Designer Who Has Gone Mad from Lack of Sales of the Product

- Any Parent Who Think The Will Smith Song "Parent's Just Don't Understand" doesn't apply to them, or Any Parent Who Has Made a Decision Either Way About That Will Smith Song, or Any Parent Who Thinks About Will Smith at all, Or any Parent Who Has Seen Hancock, so AKA idiots

Ten: Types Of Hair Weaves I Invented Soley based on Names I Just Thought Up

-Churls In Churge: Your favorite zoo animal is killed in front of a kindercare class field trip, and then a picture of yourself in a Santa suit with beard askew is circulated amongst the class with the caption "This person is using this animal's hair for a weave."

-The First 20 Minutes of the Apocolypse: Fiona Apple's 'Criminal' is played on non-stop loop at a Sarasota area mental hospital. The hair pulled out by the patients is then made into a weave.

-Snaddy Janette's Rice Wagon: You are stranded on an island for 1 week with the proper amount of food, but it is covered with human hair. From your fecal matter- the hair is extracted and then made into your own weave.

-Squid Cuisine: Pour 98 gallons of gasoline into a lake, and then torch. What floats to the top is sprinkled with hair and made into a weave because that's what I'm supposed to be talking about.

-Vertical Mooning: A weave made from the ass hair of Scandinavian hospital patients (extra for curls, extra extra for females, extra extra extra for disease free)

-Hope Springs Eternal: A weave is made with the pulpy material created by recycling all the foreclosed Blockbuster DVD copies of Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain MIXED with all the carpeting from MC Hammer's former estate

-Sternum Value: Hair is wrapped around a rib bone of YOUR choosing (Ribs provided by Wes' Poorly Guarded Orphan Cemetary - home of the saddest ghosts)

-The First 20 Seconds of a Pauly Shore Movie: Artist Banksy Follows You for 12 hours and then creates a weave that subtly mocks you while making you more relevant to pop culture

-Fudge Powder: A gopher snorts chinese spices and bath salts, and then sneezes on your head

-Half Price NAMBLA Orgy: all the above ones combined attached as fast as possible by midget with a blindfold while you are standing up (her fingers are the men to the hair of your boys)

Review: The Process In Which I Write

Let's not sugar coat this. I write this blog purely based on making myself write everyday. Why? Because I am super busy and want to add to that stress level. So, yeah, most of the time- I literally crank out a blog entry. I take a giant lever, internally push my organs to one side, stick that lever about 14 inches deep into the non-organ side, and crank it until a blog post has been written. I have about 4 levers all approximately the same size. I keep them in the bathroom near the shower so I don't forget to wash them. They're about 6-10 pounds each, minimal rust.

The gaping hole in my side? Oh that's the beautiful part--- it's begun to build up immunity to the constant incision/penetration. This means it has begun to heal once the crank is within me, making it much harder to take out. This has made blog production much faster, and efficient. However, the quality has gone down. I assume this is due to my focusing on the pain and constantly worry of infection.

I hope you enjoyed this look into the way I write. I hope I inspired any young writers out there who googled the words "Baby Dare Devil" to not focus on the constraints of creativity- but to revel in the freedom of induced pain and rapid scabbing. This is my gift to you (gift not liable for any blood-loss, blood staining, or blood-increase).

Review: Waiting for It

You can take "waiting for it" many different ways. I am expressing the joke aspect of waiting for it. So....

Wait for it.....

Conan was always the best because he added and heightened the comedy and never left you hanging. So much respect for being so silly. And he got us there.

So now I'm using a 'wait for it' as means of excitement levels, because Conan O'Brien is back this Monday.

It's important. It's important to have someone this open-minded to silly in charge of things on TV. Just wait for it.

Review: Cancer Patients

Real life, man. Real life like when a famous basketball player (known for intensity and trash talk) calls another basketball player (known for having Alopecia and kind of sucking) a "cancer patient".

That hits. That gets around. That is beyond a game that you as a millionaire are playing. That's real life.

Notice I've said real life, 4 times now (I included just now). 'Real life' is a term I am using to mean up to interpretation. Which is another way of me saying- yeah, most people would be offended by this, but I'm not. I'm not saying people who are offended have no sense of humor... I'm saying they have a different one. So as politely as I can say it- go fuck yourself.

Kevin Garnett called Charlie Villanueva (pictured above with an actual cancer patient) a cancer patient. I laughed at this. Why? Because Real Life is hilarious.

Look Kevin Garnett says things because why wouldn't he. He barked and crawled on all 4s once. And now he called someone a Cancer Patient. He shouldn't have- OK. He's a public figure- blah blah blah. I'm fine with it. I believe his insult was intended to mean Charlie Villlanueva looks like a cancer patient because he's bald with no eyebrows. Now cancer patients know they are bald. And no one is denying that bald cancer patients exist. And Charlie Villanueva does look weak and frail and his alopecia shaved head looks closer to Chemo treatment than most other shaved heads. But there- I said it "weak and frail"-- am I not supposed to remind people that cancer patients are weak? They have it hard enough without stating the obvious, huh?

Well fuck that. Cancer Patients are people. And as people they deal with things differently. They survive, they get through. They don't care about what I say and they shouldn't care about what Kevin Garnett says. If they do- then I'm sorry. I'm sorry they took to the time to read a blog post labeled Cancer Patients on a site called Dumb Reviews. I'm sorry they like sports as much as they do. I'm sorry they don't have anything else to do. Kevin Garnett telling a shitty basketball player he looks like a cancer patient is Kevin Garnett telling a shitty basketball player he's not as good a basketball player as he is.

Being a cancer patient sucks. I don't know why we have to tip toe around that. Do you appreciate that Cancer patients? Being told that you're offended because something awful happened to you? Do you not know that you having cancer would make anyone less skilled at basketball than if they were healthy? Should we call people 'rape victims' instead?

I don't know why most people are easily offended. My guess is they like to talk and draw the attention to themselves. I don't know why there is cancer. My guess is because of all the horrible food people eat. I don't know why Kevin Garnett is so good at defense. My guess is his height and athleticism. I know what I am- I just am that type of guy to laugh at a nutcase basketball player calling another basketball player a Cancer Patient.

WAY TO READ A LINE: Danny Pudi in Community "Epidemiology"

Community has been the most fun on TV for the past 2 weeks. They hit you with the heavy hand of their 'Jesus' episode, and then follow it up with and go 'Zombie'. And it feels right to quantify each episode with one word, because Community has deftly parodied and subtlety become that short-handed and familiar of a TV show. The one character that sums that up, for better and acknowledged for worse, is Abed.

Now I said Community is a fun show. Fun is pretty much all you can ask from a TV sitcom, and Community throws fun up all over your freshly washed sport coat. Part of the fun (of watching any TV show really) is having your expectations exceeded. Let me explain: The Big Bang Theory isn't funny because the characters are saying their jokes. There have a pattern of set-up and heighten. Say the jokes, pause for the laughter. It's fine. It's not fun though. Better TV shows serve their jokes.

Abed, as established from every episode, as established even in this episode, has a romanticized view of life shaped by movies. He is also established as smart and capable. So having this character in a zombie movie setting is such a treat. So when we're down to the last 2 survivors, and its the best friends who have been arguing, the best friends who we recognize as the more comedic relief of the ensemble- we get to expect something.

"Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end."

We get an Abed movie zinger- a classic stereotype of horror movies that of course Abed recognizes in this situation. We get an emotional resolution to the Troy-Abed nerd dispute- Abed means his words- he wants Troy to succeed, he wants the school to be saved (Abed after all did bring up changing the temperature most out of all the characters), and- because we know Abed- he really wanted to say that line. All that in one line. In a zombie episode.

So sure, I took a cheap shot at Big Bang Theory... they could say this line and make it their own. Hell, I'm sure they had a similar line to this one. But no, they didn't have the emotional core to it. And no, they sure didn't do it in a zombie episode. That was set to Abba music. That played it totally straight. They would say the joke. They wouldn't serve it.

Also in this episode The Dean had heavy cream (not for drinking) on his grocery list.

What I Wouldn't Give For: an armrest

I am sitting. I am sitting as a bird flies without wind. I am sitting spilling out of the chair. Unencumbered my limbs are, claiming personal space and ruggedly braving the elements of unconfined. I could brush up against this man's arm and claim his arm space for the kingdom my my arm. He very well could hock his burly arm to seize my area. His arm is more hirsute than mine.

I am sitting with antsy elbows. Gravity has gotten the best of them, and they can't rest- points digging- in my lap much longer. No these elbows shouldn't be touching me at all. These elbows are dangerous and should be treated as such. These elbows need to stop, these elbows need an anchor. These elbows, oblivious to reason.

Though this chair reaches basic chair requirements- sitting on it- this chair is not comfortable. It does not have the nestled-in, the at-ease feeling of sitting. This chair makes me judgmental. This chair makes me detached. This chair is not the chair for me.

The day has been long, my arms have been used. These arms. These arms that hold my hands, these arms that hold certain muscles, these arms that itch under certain sweaters. These arms are tired, this chair helps them none.

O- what I wouldn't give for an armrest.

Review: Cold Hammers

Hot Hammers are fine. Sure sure sure. In fact, if I was torturing someone- I'd go with a hot hammer. But the time for torturing has passed (thank you Saw franchise) and for the sake of getting work done, give me a cold hammer.

A cold hammer is more honest. More determined. More loud. Hot hammers lie, get by on looks, and are less loud. A cold hammer is less likely to melt, a hot hammer is more likely to reference an MC. When I think of cold hammers, I think of forging, and of hard steel. When I think of hot hammers I think of less forging, and not as hard of steel.

The basic aesthetic difference between the hot and the cold hammer, much like all temperature differences, is simple. So simple, in fact, that I'm not stating such an obvious aesthetic difference. Instead I am going to say it is the difference between the Civil War and a civil war within another, more warmer country. Or the difference between a blizzard in Canada, and a blizzard in Carolina. Or Tea and Iced Tea.