Review: Plastic Baggies

Plastic baggies are super practical. For lunches, crime scene clean-ups, saving farts, and even dinners or breakfasts. Ziploc has a pretty strong strangle hold on the middle america users of these miracle baggies. But drug dealers and other smart people know that there is really no difference. No fun king difference. Red and blue make purple seal, yellow and green make yellow-green seal, it's all good. In fact, off brand baggies save money and only hardly ever break. What makes Ziploc better? Well without doing any research, my only conclusion is the name. Zip-Lock. Zip, "oh its quick like a zipper and fun because it starts with a Z and I love using that letter". Lock, "it's so sturdy though because it really locks! It's in the name." Fast-securing. Good job, name-comer-uppers. You should come up with a name for name-comer-uppers if you're so good at names, you nameless figureheads my misdirected anger is aimed at.

Anyway, here is my suggestions to off-brand baggie companies for names to help take down the ziploc monopoly (the ziplocopoly):
XpressSafe (weird first letter, good word for lock)
QuickGrasper (as with the next couple, this was just synonyms for 'fast' and 'secure')
RapidGrapple (kids would love saying it)
Bag-mediate (too genius, likely already exists)
Alacrit-bound (medieval dinosaur wizard spokesman)
VigorClamp-taché (coupon for business card tie in)
Dyna-clasp (font choice is important here)
Fort Bustle Bag (Skeleton in confederate uniform, sold exclusively in South East Dollar stores)
Dash-cure (Giant made of Rock (no nose) with a hard hat on- he looks like he was jumping off a plane, and in commercials always runs... tracks starts fires? tracks start lightening? tracks start time warp and he time travels?)
HurryFirmy (advertise to women, benefit breast cancer)
BoundaWaltz (advertise to gay men, benefit Museums)
Chasta-Whiz (advertise to Christian teens, get other teens to model with bright colored shirts, have bible verse on box- doesn't matter which one)

TOP 3 NAMES:
Z-cure Zeal
-Goldilocks meets Red Riding Hood and they go to the 3 bears house. The girls put porridge in baggies and then discover that the 3 bears are dressed as Grandma. Cut to: cut up pieces of the girls in baggies in the bear's fridge. (different size bags angle)

Wind Beneath My Baggie
-Clouds, stratus not nimbus, shown. Women voice-over says anything (touching on subjects of love, mortgage rates, accepting your age). Sun going down. Tack on line: 'make sure your plastic bags are secure, choose (title screen dissolves in with harp music) Wind beneath my baggie.'

ZimPlox
-Do the exact same thing as ziploc, but with different race of actors.

Review: Abstract Realism

The horse bridled its saddle, and left out a snort so loudly that it mussed the Cyclops' hair over its eye. "I know you're used to wearing the saddle, rather than put it on- but this is ridiculous," quipped the Cyclops pausing an exact 6 seconds for laughter, a laughter too far off to be heard.

Taking off one of his eyelashes, lighting it with his heat vision, and then smoking it- the horse thought to himself, "I know I can talk, I just need to have confidence, I know I can do it." The smoke off the horse's eyelash cigarette caused a wax to build-up around the sides of the Cyclops' eye.

The Cyclops raised his calloused fingers and with his index and thumb pinched off the wax, whipping it to the ground. The wax started moving and magically shot up- "Freedom! Freedom! My hunchbacked is now carrying the weight of freedom!" The wax then ran out of the crashed spaceship that was in the shape of a neckerchief that was acting as the cave for the 2 mismatched mothers-to-be, the cyclops and the horse.

"Is that what birth looks like?" was what the horse tried to say, but what came out was, "I was raped by the Eiffel Tower," and a biting of the Cyclops.

Bleeding to his death, with a faint smile mapped across his lower lip and a 9 inch by 9 inch tear in his eye, the Cyclops was stunted by the horse's first words. Throughout their time together, the Cyclops' affinity for the horse grew drabbier and draubier, but this sign of life- the Cyclops knew the horse was going to be ok. "When you say 'by'," the Cyclops sputtered, "do you mean 'near' or do you mean the Eiffel Tower came to life and fucked you?"

The tear dropped to the ground simultaneously as the 17 month pregnant horse's water broke. Washed away were the centipede scrotums that were the currency of this parallel universe, the Easy Bake Oven Instructions the Cyclops claimed to have tattooed on his ankles now became a smear across his glorious limb. The horse was distracted by the semi-tide of their human fluids and felt no pain. From the ground, the Cyclops convulsing in horse bite pain, had a one-of-a-kind view of the horse's birthing canal. She saw a mini-Eiffel tower, its tip puncturing horse vagina, its intricate sides entwined by horse hair.

The horse put out the eyelash cigarette. There would be no fall semester this fall semester. There would be no innocence to speak of.

Review: Kirstie Alley as a Brand

Why this...



When this...



Jews for Jesus is off the hook and sense has officially jumped the shark.

(editor's note: We here at Dumb Reviews apologize for offending everyone by posting a picture of Kirstie Alley. It was artistic integrity but we knew her face is offensive to most if not all if not god)

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: When My Wife Fell Asleep Week 2

I am a nut about sketch comedy. A big ol nut, dripping nut sauce on an area designed to receive such a sauce. That's why I watch SNL. Not because it's good. But because there is a promise that maybe I might find something good in it. Take this week for example: I noticed how brilliant Fred Armisen executes his saxophone cues in 'What's Up with That' or the controlled face acting of Bobby Moynahan in the cold open and in the Anthony Crispano desk piece. FUN STUFF.

But mostly, SNL sucks. That's why I never talked much about it before despite my detailed watching. That's changed because, man, do I need to fill content.

So I'll say a couple of things I liked, and noticed, and how much I think Bill Hader will win an Oscar in the 2040s, and then I'll mention when my wife well asleep during it (to be fair- she has class on Sundays and has to wake up at 7) (to be fair to her class- she loves me and wants to spend time with me). I am not going to say anything bad about the show (well..) because I know people are trying and everyone else knows its bad.

OK- I already mentioned some things I like. I also like Bryan Cranston. He really is the only reason to watch the last couple seasons of Malcolm in the Middle and the episode where Hal becomes a painter is something to seek out. Also Breaking Bad- genius, wrenching, compliments, cancer, strong turn, really?, provokes, commitment, job well done. So I had higher hopes, which only makes for a even more bloody and mangled crash against the rocks of reality f SNL. So- Vanessa Bayer, you are being watched- way to make a repeated joke funny. Hopefully they won't make you do that 4 times this season. Some bias here: Fred Armisen singing. He has such a parody presence of performers singing. His commitment to detail is something to watch for every single week. He made the best sketch of the night, Bjelland Brothers, perfectly ridiculous. There was also a Tim Burton dig about adapting Goodnight Moon, which ruined another Goodnight Moon thing I wrote. But that's personal.

My wife fell asleep during that best sketch of the night. Which is kind of decent for her. She usually makes it to the first performance. But she lasted thru weekend update, and got to here a couple refraind of "I sent a bottle of sparkling a-pple juice to your house.... didya getit?" which, if anything, rocked her to sleep.

Rocked her. Rockter. ROCKTOBER. This month. The world.

LET'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGE OF!: Hey, IMDB updated?

I guess you were tired of being a mere data-base and decided to give into Hollywood marketing bull shit. I mean you had an air of 'nerds doin drab industry work'. Now you have that same feeling but with a schmeer of douchebag to your name. Whatever- like I ever visit your homepage anyway (if I did, I would find out such useful info as whats on TV, whats in theaters, and whose birthday it is- those aren't bad things to know by any means, just that you have so much more to offer than a homepage).

IMDB changed- for the better? Probably, but they've been so... so- upright all this time that a change is taking time getting used to. The key to IMDB has always been the information. Which is still there. So in order to properly talk about it, I should use an example- let's look at the IMDB page of Omarion.

1. I searched from the homepage- look at the first result I got: http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=OMARION

2. The rest of the post:

At Quick Glance We See:
His picture is blurry. The initial picture of the actor is quite larger than old IMDB, so if they didn't update the picture- they just stretched it out. It's very tacky, but still its very Omarion. The bios on IMDB are now more prevalent so now we can really know Omarion was in B2k and that B2k actually stands for something (boys of the new millenium- the B stands for boys).

The worst feature on new imdb is basically you have to scroll just a little bit more. So that just proves how lazy I am. They also have larger font, which makes me feel like an idiot for some reason. Also Omarion has 12 acting credits. I am more surprised that I had an opinion on the number of acting credits than I was surprised there weren't more acting credits.

15 Minutes into the Page:

I found out Omarion has a biography? Which you can buy NEW for 2.59, or used for one penny.

Good news is that if you click on a link to go deeper into IMDB, you get the old sidebar back! And Omarion has trademarks! If you click this link, it actually says- under TRIVIA- that he "is African-American".

The KEYWORDS for Omarian prove that again, he is black, he does many award shows, and that Character-name-in-the-title is #1 keyword for him means he does a lot of personal appearances and isn't really an actor.

People are the Best:
He's a sex object- oh. Makes sense now. So it makes sense why I know his name, because crazy fans actually generate money. Like this fan who wanted to know about Omarion's safety when they heard there was an attack in Glasgow and London. There was a terrorist attack where people surely died, and the first thing you can think of is if Omarion is safe? He wasn't even relevant then, let alone ever. I shouldn't be getting mad or whatever emotion I am conveying. He is a teen idol for a certain group in the mid 2000s. Let's look closer at one of these fans: On this thread, I found Omarion super fan ladyboose10. Most of her posts are about Omarion, and her opinion of him ranges from rage at unrelated posts to defensively misspelling to deep sentiments of "i think he is so so so so so so so fine so fine it drives me crazy". Her name is Verhonda. I'd call her Vertoyota and Verlandrover if I knew her personally.


SEE- even though IMDB has changed, I proved to myself that I can still have a good time making fun of the people who use it. Thanks me. You're the I'm the best.