Review: Plastic Baggies

Plastic baggies are super practical. For lunches, crime scene clean-ups, saving farts, and even dinners or breakfasts. Ziploc has a pretty strong strangle hold on the middle america users of these miracle baggies. But drug dealers and other smart people know that there is really no difference. No fun king difference. Red and blue make purple seal, yellow and green make yellow-green seal, it's all good. In fact, off brand baggies save money and only hardly ever break. What makes Ziploc better? Well without doing any research, my only conclusion is the name. Zip-Lock. Zip, "oh its quick like a zipper and fun because it starts with a Z and I love using that letter". Lock, "it's so sturdy though because it really locks! It's in the name." Fast-securing. Good job, name-comer-uppers. You should come up with a name for name-comer-uppers if you're so good at names, you nameless figureheads my misdirected anger is aimed at.

Anyway, here is my suggestions to off-brand baggie companies for names to help take down the ziploc monopoly (the ziplocopoly):
XpressSafe (weird first letter, good word for lock)
QuickGrasper (as with the next couple, this was just synonyms for 'fast' and 'secure')
RapidGrapple (kids would love saying it)
Bag-mediate (too genius, likely already exists)
Alacrit-bound (medieval dinosaur wizard spokesman)
VigorClamp-taché (coupon for business card tie in)
Dyna-clasp (font choice is important here)
Fort Bustle Bag (Skeleton in confederate uniform, sold exclusively in South East Dollar stores)
Dash-cure (Giant made of Rock (no nose) with a hard hat on- he looks like he was jumping off a plane, and in commercials always runs... tracks starts fires? tracks start lightening? tracks start time warp and he time travels?)
HurryFirmy (advertise to women, benefit breast cancer)
BoundaWaltz (advertise to gay men, benefit Museums)
Chasta-Whiz (advertise to Christian teens, get other teens to model with bright colored shirts, have bible verse on box- doesn't matter which one)

TOP 3 NAMES:
Z-cure Zeal
-Goldilocks meets Red Riding Hood and they go to the 3 bears house. The girls put porridge in baggies and then discover that the 3 bears are dressed as Grandma. Cut to: cut up pieces of the girls in baggies in the bear's fridge. (different size bags angle)

Wind Beneath My Baggie
-Clouds, stratus not nimbus, shown. Women voice-over says anything (touching on subjects of love, mortgage rates, accepting your age). Sun going down. Tack on line: 'make sure your plastic bags are secure, choose (title screen dissolves in with harp music) Wind beneath my baggie.'

ZimPlox
-Do the exact same thing as ziploc, but with different race of actors.