TV Moustache Week: Ned Flanders

As we draw to an end of TV mustache week, we must mention possibly the greatest mustached man on TV for the last 20 years- Ned Flanders. We recapped some pretty cartoony characters, so it feeds the irony beast that perhaps the most serious of these recaps is about a cartoon character. Or not, you really shouldn't read that much into these posts.

We know who Ned is: strong christian morals, overtly friendly, a push-over, a widower, a surprising physique, a lefty, raised by beatniks, constantly upbeat, 60 years-old, a genuinely nice guy whose self is governed by his beliefs and is disciplined enough to follow through on them, and all his life he wanted purple drapes.

We know him- so let's talk about his mustache, and really the path he carved out for other mustaches to follow.

Ned is, simply put, a nerd. It is within that nerdy annoyance we have in him, that we see a part of ourselves in. Never betraying that bond with the audience, and taking it to ridiculous heights and emotional places--- why that's just strong TV. Ned is a character full of quirks. His mustache just happens to be a visible quirk (and he refers to it, such as: his "Nose Neighbour," "Mr. Tickles," "The Ole Soup Strainer," "The Cookie Duster," "The Pushbroom," and "Dr. Fuzzenstein.") It's not outlandish that Ned has a mustache. It's just fact that he does.

The season 16 episode, "Home Away From Homer", Ned moves Humbleton, PA, where everything is more dopey sweet than he is. In Humbleton, Ned is asked to shave his mustache, which he refuses. Truly a great moment for mustaches on television. For all his christian morals, pent up anger at his parents, and responsibilities in raising 2 sons- Ned never gives anything less than himself. Ned Flanders, one of the dorkiest people ever shown on TV, showed television, nay the world, on how to not look so dorky while wearing a mustache.

Great mustache TV characters are not the star of their show. They are the perspective, after all who wouldn't want to see the world through the eyes of a man with a strip of hormonal hair on their face. Mustaches themselves are a kooky attribute, and the men who carry them don't make themselves more kooky by having a mustache. They make the mustache more serious by being themselves.

Oh, and if you ever get gum in your mustache- just freeze it and hit it with a hammer.

TV Mustache Week: Ron Mother Fuckin' Swanson

There's not much to say here. There is just reverence in the glory and the majesty of a man glorified by self-discipline, masonry, and a pyramid of other great things.

It's TV mustache week, and I'd be remiss to talk about the (if not the most) prolific mustache of recent tv. The Swanson mustache is intimidating, thorough, and necessary. It is both a stop sign and a proceed with caution sign. It encapsulates the confidence, grit, and essence of Ron Swanson.

Mustaches are inherently creepy/ dad-ish/ something-to-judge-someone-by. DUH: having a mustache is saying you have a mustache. Ron is a reasonable man. Nothing says reasonable like growing hair on your face with pride. Other characters we discussed this week (Officer Jay, Mike Watt) have mustaches as more affectation, where it highlights their serener side. Not saying Ron can't show emotion (not counting anger, Ron's relationship with Leslie is that of her earning his trust and him responding well to her work ethic and attitude). Ron Swanson is more brute, and his mustache is less affectation and more 'calling card'. It's a mustache that let's you know what you're in for. Be wary of the man who has grown this. Ron is the apex of the goofy cartoon character with a mustache (My Name is Earl) and the too serious to be nothing more than a mustache (Magnum PI). A fully realized character that every word he speaks and step he walks only adds to his legend.

Not only is Ron pioneering new grounds for TV character's to have mustaches, he is also stating those rules (via Pyramid):

"Facial Hair: full, thick, and square. Nothing sculpted. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can't grow it.

TV Moustache Week: Trivial Mustaches

Mustaches do not make a man. Instead, the mustache should serve as a representation of confidence and character. A man isn't defined by his mustache, as was the case with a certain Thomas Sullivan Magnum (Magnum P.I.), where his mustache has come to define a genre and time period. The failure of Magnum P.I. was not letting us get to know the character enough as to understand why he decided he looked good with a mustache.

In the case of Simon and Simon, at least the mustache served the purpose of discerning the 2 Simon's. AJ was the smart one who went to college, and Rick had a mustache. But there, the mustache more defined who Rick was- and really that's why you don't know this show.

This brings us to the top-of-the-line useless mustache- Earl Hickey. The mustache itself was great, thick and a good percentage of the face. But Earl was more a maypole of the show where a bunch of more colorful characters danced around. His mustache was a mere decoration on a character who routinely didn't live up to his mustache's hype. We are to believe Earl grew his mustache out out of some type of kitsch value- not because of any strength of character, but because it'd be Jason Lee without it. The better mustache on the show was that of Darnell aka The Crabman, whose mustache was enhanced by his relaxed attitude and specific rules the writer's laid out for him.

That leads us to what makes a good mustache. A mustache works best when it simply takes a backseat to the heightened reality a character creates for himself. Simplified: the mustache doesn't define the character. Simplifiedier: The mustaches makes sense. There is no second guessing having hair between that person's lip and nose.

Meathead had a good mustache. He was a young idealist who went walrus on his facial hair to show his quirky sensibility. Were Magnum P.I. emblazoned a generation of TV watchers with his, Meathead reflected the sensibility with his. The writing for his character gets a lot of the credit here, as Michael Stivic was an agnostic, scholar, good husband, and foil to the cranky Archie Bunker. He is much more than a mustache, however all the traits that make his mustache good (young idealist, shaping, being berated)- hold it back from being a great mustache.

This week at Dumb Reviews, we will look at truly great mustaches. To help answer the question of what is a GREAT mustache, let's look at a case close to being great: Al Boreland.

The obvious: it is not a mustache. It is a beard, which totally disqualifies the man from disscussion. Further more, the beard is another metaphor for the broader strokes that came to really define the character. Even so- this was a really defined character, who never broke from the person the writers laid out for him to be. Overtly nice guy, who out shined the grunting man vestige of Tim Allen's Tim Taylor, personally displayed sensitivity, had a catch phrase, and generally felt had many more weird character quirks that (if not greater than) were equal to his beard.

Which brings us to a golden rule of greatness: Mustaches and the man act as one.

For further TV mustache triviality

Alex Trebek - champion of the mustache of the intelligent man for so long, but disappointingly ruined his own legacy by shaving it off. Never have trivia and facial hair ever been in more harmony.

Aldo Goldolfus - the show 'Number 96' was not only ahead of it's time with gay characters on TV, but totally in tune with the tradition of having a foreign character having a thick mustache to distinguish he is foreign.

Everyone on Deadwood - Really great depiction of a time when men grew mustaches to establish their greatness. Too many to declare one truly great, as these mustaches were a product of their time as well. Still- just remarkable mustaches.

Gomez Addams - If there were a prize for artistic mustache, or avant-stache-garde, here's were we would see it. Gomez is a fully realized character with a bounty of quirks and mental intricacies that it makes me wonder- why does he have a mustache? It works though. He's the Captain Beefheart, the Seventh Seal, the Van Gogh of television mustache.

Judge Joe Brown - a power mustache. I think his TV show would be nothing without his mustache distinction. Therefore I imagine a Judge Joe Brown mustache team that preps it and rubs it with aloe vera before each taping.