Review: Commitment

"We are here today at the house of Ganny Lanslow, a man who has been constantly eating grapes since 2003. We are approaching the door, which as you can see, is a barely hinged screen door, very easy access to prowlers, roustabouts, and in this case, reporters. Ganny should be at his dining room table... Ganny? Hello?"

Ganny is seen eating a grape with bags of bunches of grapes on the table. There are empty plastic bags strewn about the dining room. Purple stains decorate the tablecloth, curtains, walls, and face of Ganny Lanslow. He finishes his grape an plucks another from one of the bunches in front of him.

"Ganny, before you eat that grape I just have a few questions to ask of you... Ganny?.... Well, ok... what are you exactly accomplishing here?.... Why grapes, Ganny?... What do you do for Thanksgivings?... Ganny, if you could just answer my questions here, the people want to see you for who you really are. You are most intriguing I say, Ganny... When's the last time you had sex?"

" I (chew, chew, chew) get (chew, chew, chew) fellat-(chew, chew, chew)-io (chew, chew, chew) from my (chew, chew, chew) sister (chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, GULP) every couple of months. (chew, chew, chew)"

"Out of all the questions you chose to answer, I do believe that is the wrong choice."

"What (chew, chew, chew) do I care (chew, chew, chew) I've (chew, chew, chew) been (chew, chew, chew) eating grapes (chew, chew, chew) one by one (chew, chew, chew) since (chew, chew, chew) my (chew, chew, chew) wife (chew, chew, chew) left me (chew, chew, chew). I've (chew, chew, chew) only (chew, chew, chew) gained (chew, chew, chew) 6 pounds (chew, chew, chew, GULP), my shit is closer to liquid, (chew, chew, chew), and I (chew, chew, chew) now see (chew, chew, chew) purple (chew, chew, chew) where I (chew, chew, chew) once saw yellows and (chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew) browns (chew, chew, chew) but eating grapes has become my shield against the outside world. (chew, chew, chew)."

"Very insightful, Ganny. Thank you. You should really do something about the door. This is Howard Vendersmear reporting. Back to you, Ian and Janice and Lord Bolidar the Night Obstructor."

Review: Commenting on Comments

To less further complicate things in a manner that actually complicates things more, let's just use this blog as an example.

Sometimes, people comment on this blog. I, as the example blog's administrator, choose not to comment back. That does not mean in any way I am discouraging people from commenting. Not commenting usually means you have nothing to comment. I encourage not forcing yourself to comment. Comments are a natural feeling, a burst of energy that coincides with the emotional response you get from reading. Sometimes, a lot of times, you have nothing to say.

I have nothing to say back to comments. Usually. Even if I do, I feel it's best to keep it clean and dry and not pad my own comments stacks. Why? Lazy I guess. Why not? Not lazy enough I guess. When? Lazy Sunday. See- I just don't concentrate on the task at hand enough, and rather than have sticky situations where sarcasm and tone can't be read, I just don't comment.

Which makes this post the worst to comment on. First of all, it's begging for it. Second first of all, it says not to comment on it. And the other one- I would feel obliged to comment back if you commented on it. Or is this covering my basis for when no one comments? I am most decidedly in the business of not asking for comments, but know I don't get much anyway. Or is this just the natural extension of me thinking about when someone actually does comment on my blog? I'd like to think so, and writing things out is easier than keeping things in, but by now I feel like I am taking to long to write this. Now is this just a way of ending a blog post or am I just asking questions so you can make a natural comment on one instead of you trying to be clever and think of a comment? Did I just insult my audience? Am I still doing it? Yes I am. Why would I answer my own question knowing it is not in my best interest to answer it and then keep doing the same exact thing? Licks to the center of the tootsie pop, y'all.

How to Be an Adult: Gene Wilder in Silver Streak

Look! A new segment for special segment Friday. "How to Be an Adult" owes its existence from noticing truly amazing characters who are completely grounded in reality. These characters offer a class and dignity in how to deal with certain everyday actions. They give us actions we as people need to try and emulate in order to make this world full of bounce and vigor. First up: the impeccable Gene Wilder in the beautifully shot, scored, and executed Silver Streak.

This is from the beginning of the movie. Before things get crazier. When we just know that he is a publisher. The everyday interaction this mild mannered man comes to face is how to talk to a beautiful women. It's a tough assignment. But Gene Wilder's George Caldwell is seemlessly calm and collected. He talks about himself. He asks about her. He shows that he is listening. It's not very churning cinema, but its real, and its charming. It hits a sweet note, without coming off as cute. The "I know what goes where"s. "I like this song, if I ever hear it again it will be hard not to think of you" is a line every man should have thought of but they aren't that debonair. Gene Wilder shows us how to get a girl by simply being himself and conscious. That's a great life lesson from a great person to get great things from. Recap:

How to Be an Adult (Silver Streak)

-Remember what a women you talk to says

-Jokes should be thought out and informative. Don't be coy, and add the appropriate amount of innuendo. Tip: Play jokes as bits, but not schtick.

-Read signals and go for them! Mask aggression with magnetism.

-If you're ganna drink- handle it! Drinking makes things easier, but you need to stay in control.

-Talking what you know about can turn a women on.

Review: Sharing a Name with Someone Famous

"It doesn't bother me" - Sidney Lumet, age 14

"I wish I could use my name as a Gmail account. Oh Well." - Tim Duncan, age 41

"Frankly, there were like two or three hundred of us with the name, so the odds were for at least one of us to be famous. I still think the wrong one got famous." - Grace Kelly, age 91

"There's a famous person with my name?" - Michael Balzery, age 56

"Happy kitty!" - Irving Berlin, age 3

"Frankly, there were like two or three hundred of us with the name, so the odds were for at least one of us to be famous. The right one become famous." - Rip Torn, 84

"How dare you assume I am not him." Larry King, age 27

"How dare you assume I am not him." Speedy Gonzalez, age 60

"I actually changed my name to hers, so that we would have a natural ice breaker if we ever met." - Lucy Lawless (male), age 38

"It totally sucks." - Terry Schiavo, age 16

"Being homeless, I have much larger worries in life." - Norm McDonald (homeless), age 35

"I think I'm more famous than him now, at least in the chemistry world." - Andrew Shue, age 49

"When I woke up tonight I said I... I'm ganna make somebody love me." - Franz Ferdinand, age 21

"Technically, it' not my name, people just keep calling me that. It was funny at first, then infuriating. Now, after I killed those 12 mall shoppers, it feels very remorseful." - Miles 'Miley' Cyrus, age 29

"No comment." - Bill Clinton, age 28

Review: Home Runs

"My daughter asked me, her mother, what makes a man. I couldn't look her in the eyes, what with it being only a day after we buried her father. I asked her why she wanted to know, and she replied that penises were funny. I had to agree, penises were pretty funny. But I explained to her that a man is more than a penis. Many men didn't even use their penis. What makes a man, truly a man, is their ability to say they are a man, and then back up through their actions. I thought about this as I said it. I pictured Babe Ruth pointing to the stand with his baseball bat right before hitting a home run. I pictured that husking figure of a man swinging that bat and smacking the ball and turkey trotting around the bases. I pictured him in grainy black and white. I looked my daughter in the eye. "Home Runs" is what I said to her. She looked despondent and confused. I didn't elaborate.

The next day she came back from school, her hands as red as over-ripe pumpkins, her eyes as determined as starving orphans on halloween. She had a wiffle ball bat with her with a sizable dent in what would constitute the sweet spot. She walked up to me, slapped my ass, spit a loogie that what I would imagine (countering in her size) was 40% of her saliva, and said "I'm the man now Momma, you ain't gonna cry no more." I felt obliged to tell her, that is not how it works- but I realized- no. Home Runs exemplify a mysticism beyond comprehension, and that mysticism now meant that my little girl was now a man.

Review: Doo Doo Doo

A duck breaks a comb while using it as a sword against another duck whose beak is strong enough to shatter combs. The first duck throws the broken comb at the strong beaked duck who dodges the shard of comb and now corners the first duck with its beak's frieghtening shadown.

doo doo DOO.

The duck, now fed up with his current state , expresses himself via pan flute.

Doo doo doo.

Review: The Difference between Men and Women

What a title right? Don't worry, I'm going to treat it as seriously as you think I will. OK? So I feel like the difference between men and women is that: when you kick a man in the crotch it's funny because you are really not supposed to- however if you kick a women in the crotch it's hilarious because you are REALLY not supposed to. Let's break it down.

Kicking Men in the crotch

-It's a sensitive area, the literal seeds of procreation are there

-It's mean

-It hurts

-Everyone knows it hurts

Kicking Women in the crotch

-It's a sensitiver area, this is where birth happens

-It's meaner (hitting women in general is mean, unless you are a women)

-Its not supposed to hurt as bad because there are no hang down parts, but being kicked hard always hurts

- Everyone cares if it hurts

Rosie taking one for women's rights, right there. Sure the scene use the crotch shot on a women as a surprise, but still it's funny. Men don't own getting hit on the crotch.

But is there an inherit bias towards crotch pain? Men do dominate the market on groin pain. A popular High School boys game is 'ball tap', The Simpsons had man actor George C Scott being hit in the crotch, and if we remember Mortal Combat, Johnny Cage did a split punch to the crotch that did not work on Sonja Blade. Why is there a protection of women's crotches? Because that is where life comes from, and impending that life-hole is a tragedy? This assumes that women's purpose in life is to give birth, and that taking wrecking ball to the clockworks takes that purpose away or somehow gums them up. It's a getting hit. It hurts, but you move on. Thousands upon thousands of men have been hit in the crotch. Violently. Wrestling, Movies where kids fight adults, and Home Videos shown on Television have made an art of men getting hit in their balls. There is no reason to act different than when a women gets kicked there.

I am not advocating the hitting of women in the crotch to make them equal. I am saying that equality comes from the same reaction of the same thing different groups do. Women DO need to get hit in the crotch more, or they need to find a reasonable equal to it. Tit punch perhaps?

My real point: Women are hilarious. The most prolific performer on SNL currently- Kristen Wiig. The best phyical comedian on SNL ever- Gilda Radner. The funniest person on a primetime sitcom right now- Amy Poehler. Most Prolific TV writers- Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling. Hardly anyone is funnier than Maria Bamford or Wanda Sykes. I could say a thousand names and still not be done. Women are funny. People are funny. Men have this crotch thing as a go-to source of humor, while women don't have that go-to funny (their periods is another discussion). Allowing women to be vulgar or get hit in the crotch or have wacky make-out scenes (see Ron and Tammy Swanson) or using their body to be funny is normal. Don't sexualize everything. Let things be what they are. Let things that are funny be funny. Let a crotch shot be funny.

WHAT MY THEME SONG SAYS ABOUT ME: Alf

You have this show about an American family with a one comedic outlet. You choose that comedic outlet to be an alien. You make that alien hairy and with snout. Luckily it is small enough for some reason, knows your language enough to be consistently wisecracking for some reason, and is now an integrated part of your family. That's super. That is swell. A fuzzy little best friend who gives dad a hard time and humorously tries to eat the cat. Life as summed up by:

They really felt the need to hammer home that this was a family-friendly show. You advertise the alien, but you still want him to appeal somewhat to a female 25-40 demographic. That theme song really cuts out any bite Alf tried to gain. That theme song really shows that this is about a puppet and a family. The theme song really says this dad's relationship with his kids is rocky at best because he has glasses, but at least he has enough heart to learn to love an alien who is the equivalent (in humor and annoyingness) as Full House's Joey.

But as it turned out, Alf was still to edgy. He was a bad influence, probably, on children. To make matters more--- wussy, some pleasant light rock saxophone was added to the theme song. CLICK HERE.

So Alf went for the family demographic and hoped to catch the counter culture and other smart people with irony. Did it work? Yes. Yes it did. Alf is so ironic that his cycle came and went twice already. He is next due to be funny in the 2020s. Despite its docile nature and elevator muzak inspiration, it is a wel crafted theme song with such pleasant overtones that no midwife from the bible belt could possibly turn away from an alien introduced by it. The song sucks, but that's because the show ultimately sucked. What did the Alf theme song say about Alf the show? "We're giving you the courtesy of not to think for the next half hour".

Review: Hostile Takeovers

For a name as great as Hostile Takeover leads me to believe, there is a lot of grunt work in learning what a hostile takeover actually is. Thus the situation of a definition being the worst part of a word is born. Thus the definition can be said to be the 'hostile takeover' of the term hostile takeover. 'Hostile takeover' in this situation being referred to by its new slang definition of 'when a word's definition is the worst part of the word, ie Hostile Defintition.'

Takeover is a fun enough word. So much intrigue and room for interpretation in that word. Said sternly, it could be a a rough command from the embattled pilot as he gets his women who is hopelessly in love with him to steer the plane as he goes and fights several henchmen who have parachuted on his wing/refused to die. Said with trembling, it could be a in-over-his-head teen clutching the wheel and feeling the weight, essence, and power of the Ford Xterra as he is about to pull into highway traffic for the first time. Said with spinach leafs and a wine vinaigrette, it could choke babies who haven't yet the ability to metabolize ruffage.

And hostile. Hostile should make any term more fun. Hostile Reactor, Hostile Newborn, Hostile Coach Purse, Hostile Tears running down a unruly cheek, Hostile Whistles blown by uncertain cosmotologists, Hostile Terminology used for Hostile Fun by Hostile Wet Nurses during a Hostile Vasectomy of the Hostile month of May. But hostile takeover is a corporate term which just seems redundant, I'd rather see the emotions of a friendly takeover. That's more oxymoronic for us dreamers.

In closing, the door is open. I can't mask my disdain for words that don't have feelings or representatives. Nor would I need to. It's fun to misplace emotions, much like the prestige adults place on children.

Review: the lexicon of the Cheech and Chong Filmography

Cheech and Chong were a comedy duo for 10 years before their first movie came out in 1978. That was Up in Smoke. It is the best titled for the masses of their movies. It is also the weakest of their movies. I'm not saying it is great, because it very much is. It just depends too much on the fact that they are who they are. And Chong doesn't get enough screen time. 'Next Movie' which was their next movie was absolutely brilliant in that it was more sketchy and clearly didn't care what it was supposed to be. The title is their best titled for fans of their movies. However, I find Nice Dreams to be the most coherent movie. It blends the sensibilities of the act, with a plot that is ripe for their mischief, all the while maintaining an edge that anything can should and will happen. 1982's Tough All Over showed that the duo could adapt their act to a 80s commercial hip vibe. Then the next year came Still Smokin', which capitalized on their fandom. The movie was more centered on their live performance and you should only watch if you are a fan or, um, are high. The Corsican Brothers? I don't know, man. I need to watch that one again. I remember not liking it though, which can't be right. It's Cheech and Chong. They've mined diamonds out of basically a one note premise. I think I was too young when I watched it, because I wasn't accepting of these guys in a wholy fantastical world, which sounds awesome now that I'm typing it as I think about write now. I tell myself to think ahead when I write, but man, I'm writing about Cheech and Chong... and... you should get this picture.

Closing- watch Cheech and Chong. It's a Benny Hill cartoony atmosphere with the groundwork that made Pineapple Express so wonderful. The pacing and dialogue is unlike any other movie out there, and that's why there are 6 of these movies. Like all the greats- go chronological with these movies. See how they develop. See where it went awry, or if it ever really did. I just remembered a handful of wonderful scenes from Corsican Brothers. Ok. Phew. I'm done now. I shouldn't still be typing but I am. Ok.

Review: Action Figure: The REAL Ghostbuster's Fearsome Flush

I don't even want to write a review following this picture.

Ghostbusters Action Figures were literally the coolest because they dealt with cartoony ghosts and quick one liners being said by Ghostbusters. Now, in their infinite wisdom, they decided that they should sell a household item for the boys to play with. Their test marketing showed that boys love toilets. Which I can't argue with. I had this exact toy. It wheeled around and as it did so- its tongue would pop in and out. It was hilarious.

But how do you incorporate the evil toilet into action figure playing- especially more than 3 times. In the world I created for my toys, they were smart enough not to fall for haunted toilet trick after the first time. So I had to make the evil toilet have a backstory. He then became the leader of the evil ghostbuster toys I had, which included The Werewolf, Quasimodo, and a football player whose back was a monster. The toilet was like the Krang of the group, and I enjoyed playing with them so much they became the good guys who were still kind of bad, in this long-form drama actions series I created for my action figures. Sadly, wrestling soon took over my childhood and only the Werewolf was had the guise of fluid joint motion and intimidation factor to make it in my fake wrestling circuit. (I actually used Quasimodo as Mankind when Mick Foley first came to WWF when I was 10, but I'm revealing too much.)

Again, there was a toilet toy. Of course I had it. It was evil, and it was a toilet and I was 5. They also had an evil grandma figure that I never got. I don't know what I would've used her for though. Oh, and yes I did pretend that my hero toys were going to the bathroom and that the toilet bit their dick off. I just wanted to clear that up before you start assuming.

Review: Josh Hutcherson Buzz

You get to a point where you think the point of your life when you think your old isn't that old. That was a hard sentence to take in, so I'll give you an example. I remember events from 1992, and that is the year Josh Hutcherson was born. I don't think I'm too old or old at all for that, I just might feel slightly weird for being so familiar with him. After all he is still (at time of post) a few months away from 18.

But that's what buzz is. Josh Hutcherson has been building up his buzz in his early tweens, being the precocious hearts of movies such as John Favreu's Zathura, the little scene but cute Little Manhatten, the Young Actor Awards-bait Bridge to Teribithia, and the check this movie out stoned Firehouse Dog. He also played the cute kid opposite some heavyweights such as John C. Reilly (Cirque Du Freak: Vampire's Assistant) Will Ferrell (Kicking and Screaming), Robin Williams (RV), and Crazy Special Effects (Journey to the Center of the Universe). He also suberbly filled the voice of Markl in the english language Howl's Moving Castle. I mention all these movies, because he is good in all these movies. He provides a source of depth and emotion in often a busy films. Don't know what is going in one of these movies- see what Josh's character are doing, he'll show you.

Currently, Josh can be seen in theater's as Laser, the teenage son coming to terms with his unorthodox family in "The Kids Are All Right". Laser has 2 lesbian mothers and a 18 year old sister about to go off to college. In a movie accentuated by the feelings we leave to bubble up, Josh provides a weighty voice to Laser- one that incorporates the frustration and the awkwardness so identifiable within a typical teen yet still solely male in the aggressive behavior, the uncomfortable need for a male bonding, and the situational apathy that fluctuates from day-to-day. As a former teenage boy, I was moved to give a typical teenage boy response to Laser's problems- "That sucks, dude." You feel bad for him, but you know you can't reach him. That's getting it right through acting, Josh Hutcherson. Not too much, but more than enough.

So your buzz is there. You're consistently memorable. That's hard. Especially for a teen actor who makes you feel like you've done nothing with your life. That's ultra hard. Especially a child actor, a great one, going forward and shedding the image. You got my attention now grow with it.

WAY TO READ A LINE: Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer

Let me save my shaved face here. Adam Sandler is squandering his talents and pandering to his audience in making ego-serving movies that exist to make money from idiots. Now let me blow my face off my face into a face receptacle: Adam Sandler is a funny guy who used his talents to make more money than I could ever think to know exists, while still maintaining shards of credibility. He's an absolute peach in Punch-Drunk Love, I found him sadistically relatable in the vastly underrated Funny People, Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore were crack to 13 year old me, and I think I might be able to defend the social merits and controlled zaniness of Don't Mess with the Zohan. Also, his SNL characters are a bit of post-modern commercialized dadaism zeitgeist. So however polarizing I myself find Adam Sandler to be, I can agree on what thing. THIS:

Movie Videos & Movie Scenes at MOVIECLIPS.com

THAT at the very end there. "things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY". Sandler has that ability to turn mucky muck muck scenes on a dime with a simple bout of manic yelling. Robbie Hart is a sad guy, but we don't want to see that. We want the fire that lets us know, "hey- there is a rest of a movie still going on." And that slow build to the word 'Yesterday' lets the audience know not to worry, and that this Robbie Hart in an altered state can be funny. They try the joke later in a more wordier manner while making it less poignant and more annoying: "well I have a microphone, and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY WORD I HAVE TO SAY". This just comes off as a joke painting the Robbie as selfish, while YESTERDAY casts Robbie in a scorned lover light.

Adam Sandler's career is based around playing juvenile, ill-mannered, egotistical demeanors who mostly thrash about vulgarly displaying, not controlling, the characteristics. When he's not doing that he chokes wry sentiment from emotional situations (Big Daddy, 50 First Dates, Click). The Wedding Singer falls into the latter, but coming off of the career establishing of Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and SNL, we were still tossed a couple of uninhibited goofing. The line 'things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY' establishes the emotion without sacrificing the fact that Adam Sandler is here to amuse us. With that line in that scene, his career peaked. Sandler has been a mess of money-making PG-13 affairs and ho-hum attempts of crediblity ever since. I don't know whether it is a sad thing to encapsulate someone's career into one line or not, especially for an actor as successful as Sandler. It probably isn't. What I do know is that I am glad Adam Sandler delivered us a line that is a lighthouse of a sentence in a rough seas of a career.

Review: the prefix of "Tri-"

I get that you get that tri- means 3. None of us are smarter and we don't know each other any better. The sound of tri- though rings clearly throughout ones ears. The clarity is due in part to three, but it feels smarter. Like subconsciously knowing how to load a shotgun, or knowing what every flavor of jellybean is by looking at it. Tri- just puts the automatic assumption in mind that this is more than 2. Tri- as a sound encorporates the the subtle hiss and clack of the T, the melting powers of R, and the singularly expressive selfishness of the I. Tri-. Though an air of prominence surrounds it, so does a mockingly simpleness override it. Tri- boasts up the word, while simultaneously sending a shudder of uncomfortable down its back. Triangle. Tricerion. Trialouge. Triad. Tricuspid. Triquatic. Trinambulant. Triagain. Trifigneuton. Trindersnatch. Tritard. You think you're getting somewhere with tri-, but then the ending is too much in sight to ever get past it.

Review: Alan Young

Alan Young is true American Hero, one that comes from England. Alan's two most prominent roles are so entwined in the American culture, that I had to look up the word 'entwined' just to check if I was using it right.

Alan first rose to prominence as Wilbur Post, a clumsy architect who owned a horse that would only talk to him named Mr. Ed on the TV show "Mr. Ed". Playing straight man to a horse is like, well, playing straight man to a wall with eyes that shits. Mr. Ed ran for 6 seasons, and sure the American public was dumb enough to be entranced by a talking animal that long, Alan Young's bumbling around and guffawing surely had something to do with it. You had to believe a horse would only talk to him to some extent.

Alan's role of a lifetime came in 1983 when he became the voice of the most influential millionaire known to children, Scrooge McDuck. He still voices him to this day. Alan was tasked with bringing a bravado and over the top caricature not only to a Scottish millionaire, but to a Scottish Millionaire who is a duck. Just listen to Alan's performance in Mickey's Christmas carol where he plays Scrooge, the range of emotion he gets out from the voice is a study in commitment to character. Or in DuckTales, where he had to make Scrooge at times miserly but overall a sympathetic character. Alan, as Scrooge, set the bar on what our generation though of Scottish voices. In mockery and in stereotype, he set a bar so high that we could not reach it, no matter how much we hate Scottish people.

Review: Leisure Hoses

Hoses are strictly gardening tools, or middlemen for kiddie pool filler. But the hose, in shape and make-up, has so much potential. Here are few activities I thought up off the top of my head that anyone, even Rain Men, can do with a hose that isn't under the tyranny of water.

A hose can be cut up into pieces, and then those pieces can be hidden in pillow cases or sewn into backpack straps.

A hose can be used as a chinese fingertrap but for the penises between 2 men. Getting them to touch is, literally, the hard part.

A hose can be pointed at while repeating its name of 'Hose'.

Study the hose, learn its intricate details. Take that knowledge and act like a hose, penetrating their deep hose subculture so that we may learn more about these mysterious creatures.

A hose can be filled with perfume, and with the correct nozzle attachments, you can make a group of strangers smell like a 14 year old's pussy. (Welcome any readers who are here because they googled "14 year old pussy +nozzle").

Howard Hughes was 2/5 hose.

See how fast a hose can melt, and then try and beat that record.

Replace a friend's windpipe with a hose segment and see how much it affects their voice. Don't forget to scrub up first!

Hoses usually put out fires, see if you can start one by just using a hose and some matches.

Reviews: Excuses sitcoms use to go to Disney

Blame ABC. The network and Disney have been exchanging hand jobs since 1954. So of course, ABC is going to advertise and get a free memorable episode out of this agreement where TV characters enjoy themselves at the Disney theme park. Note: ABC was purchased by Disney in 1996, only 3 of the shows visited Disney before that- 2 of which were Touchstone produced (which is owned by Disney) and the other was Full House- who of course went to Disney,

Let's look at some of the excuses used to play into this magical charade:

Golden Girls - Dorothy and Sophia are looking to spend time together. Dorothy tells her she can do anything she wants, and Sophia, as fun-loving as she is, wants to ride splash mountain. They go, but they argue, then they are happy, and a finally their voice-overs are heard on a shot of Splash Mountain. None of the actually episode was filmed in Disneyland.

Blossom - Nick, Blossom's Dad, gets a job as Elvis in Disney. I don't know why. He tries hiding the job, but everyone goes to Disney where Joey hits on women and Blossom has a fight with her boyfriend. Sixx is also there. I don't know why they needed an Elvis impersonator or how they explained if he lost the job or not after the episode. I do remember there was a scene with Joey and a nun though.

Full House - OK, get this: Jesse and the Rippers- who are semi-popular in this fake reality get asked to play at Disney. Do bands actually get to play Disney? Anyway its believable enough. Until the dominos fall. Jesse uses this as a second Honeymoon with Becky and they take the kids. Joey, who at the time hosted a radio show with Jesse, gets permission to do the Radio show in Florida (those California radio stations and their lax attitude), and they do it underwater for some reason. Wake-up San Francisco is in re-run week, which why would they do that, and all the girls are on school vacation coincidentally. Also Kimmy's parents pay for any vacation for her as long as it is not with them. It was a joke, but Kimmy's personal life is fucked up. Eventually Steve comes down to visit because he can afford to because of love.

Family Matters - At least we have some trying as to why a large group of broad characters whose shenanigans keep them away from a vacation would finally find it in their schedule to go and visit Disney. The cast of Family Matters went to Disney because Urkel was entered in an inventor's competition, which they don't hold at any prestigious place known for science but at Epcot Center. He invites the Winslows. Also Waldo is there to balance out the disbelief in characters, but he and Eddie never make it to Disney. His invention was of course the machine that turns him into Stephan Urquel. And he gets stuck as Stephan for awhile because that's an interesting story. I believe Myra comes down to Florida and a weird love triangle ensues. It is weird Steve didn't invite his girlfriend but a family that is known to hate him.

Roseanne - The most believeable of excuses? Well inherently yes, because fat people are the type of people you see at Disney. Dan gets his final paycheck from Lanford Garage and takes the whole family down to Disney. It's weird because they are the Conners and are generally bastards, but hell- its a happy place they've never been to, and they are dumb enough to fall for it. This is actually my favorite visiting Disney plot, if only because there are a lot of jokes about them being poor.

Step By Step - Frank's Mom sends the family to Disney as part of their inheritance. That's weird right? I guess we should see how much inheritance money there actually is, but still she is saying "Here. Use the money I am going to give you when I die." Flash, who was replacement Cody, has the best storyline where he tries to break the record for doing everything at Disney the fastest because the other record holder isn't American. So we not only get the cheesy magic of Disney, but the hollowness of American Pride.

Boy Meets World - Topanga wins a trip to Disney through Science. Corey follows with Shawn because they are broken up at this point and generally teenage whininess ensues. What is weird here is that Corey meets Dana from Step By Step for no reason whatsoever and she gives Corey advice.

Sabrina The Teenage Witch - Guess What? SCIENCE CLASS! But at least she's a witch and things go awry. Also her Aunts are there because they should be and they unfreeze a caveman they find at Disney.

The Simpsons - Offering some believability and class to the Disney experience is the best show ever, The Simpsons. They had to visit eventually, right? Well they visit Efcot Center only. For the Teacher of the Year Awards, in which Mrs. Krabappel is nominated for. The Simpsons just use this as an example to take pot shots at how shitty Epcot is. "It's even boring to fly over." A sign reads: "when all other places are booked". And a final joke where Homer sneaks into Disney setting off alarms and then groans at the price of a Churro.

Did I miss any? God I hope so. I wish more sitcoms would go to Disney, just to really hammer home that Disney is ultimately a crappy destination, and sitcoms themselves crossover well into crappy destinations.

Let'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGE OF!:Total Recall

Click Picture to be Taken to IMDB page

Quick Refresher:

Sandwiched between "this is a good idea" of Twins and the "this is the best idea" of Kindergarten Cop, Total Recall is the 1990 movie that established that Arnold Schwarzenegger will make us money. The plot revolved around space, the future, mutants, aliens, and Arnold not knowing who he is. The plot didn't really matter though because there was so much unnecessary violence.

A Quick Glance Over:

The top of the page offers us 5 trailers. That means they used 5 different arguments to try and get you to watch this movie. We also see that Total Recall was "inspired" by a Philip K. Dick short story. There are 2 Oscar nomination (one of which was a win) to the movie's credit. Also the director has a foriegn name. All these factors have led me to believe that this was an actual good movie of its time. Looking at the state of special effects and of Arnold himself today--- WTF?

Let's Look at the Careers of:

We all know Arnold and Sharon Stone. But there is a longer list of people who never capitalized on being in a summer blockbuster set on Mars.

Rachel Ticotin, was Melina, the love interest. She went on to play many Spanish women roles in a whole bunch of crap. Just look at her character names on IMDB- Laura Martinez, Maria Chavez, Vangie Gonzalez, Teresa Cortez, Carmen's Mom, Nancy's Masseuse. This coming from one of the 12 most promising actor's of 1981 and the mother of David Caruso's child.

Michael Ironside plays a classic Sci Fi villain. In fact he always does. In over 190 acting credits, I can't seem to find him prevalent in anything. He does get some points for being in Jo Jo Dancer Your Life is Calling and the movie McBain starring Christopher Walken that was less popular than the Simpson's character of the same name.

Mel Johnson Jr played turncoat cabbie Benny. His scenes added much needed panache and flavor to the balloon screeching lilt of Arnold's voice. Pretty big role where he got to do some chase scenes. How did he squander it? By never doing anything. His last credit was 2004 in the awesomely titled In The Shadows of the Cobra. But I did learn that in 1991 they tried a Munsters reboot which he has a credit too.

Debbie Lee Carrington played the midget prostitute I couldn't help but look up. Let's just list: munchkin, ewok, additional duck, little bigfoot, garbage pail kid, countless aliens, Mickey's girlfriend on Seinfeld, an Emporer Penguin, creature, elf, and Frankenturkey.

Money Shot! The 3 breasted woman played by Lycia Naff. Did she ever outshine the stigma of having three breasts? No! You would've heard of her. She has a daytime Emmy nom for an ABC afterschool special, hosted an infomercial with Roger Daltry, and played herself on Denise Richard's reality TV show which exists.

Ah Johnny Cab, voiced by Robert Picardo. Picardo might be the best actor of this bunch here. You should recognize him as Coach Cutlip from the Wonder Years, but he also has other stuff you've heard of but don't watch to his credit. According to IMDB he is 5'10"

15 Minutes into the page:

-Why is this gallery in black and white? (We also see that the better posters do not feature Arnold.)

-Trivia tells us the body count is 77, this originally got an X rating, I wish this was a Cronenberg film, and that the original producers went bankrupt and Arnold basically hand-picked the new ones. If this doesn't tell you that the movie is ultimately shitty, nothing will.

-Parental Guides on IMDB are pretty lame looking. But it is fun to see that 'fuck' is said 28 times.

-If you want to make your suicide go slower. I suggest reading the goofs page. This is a combination of nerdiness, know-it-all-ism, inability to suspend disbelief, and questioning why someone would pay any close attention to anything. Example: "Errors in geography: The exterior shots of Mars depicts the Martian sky as having either a dark orange or deep crimson color to it. In reality, the Martian sky is not as deeply colored, and actually a light pink or light orange color at times."

-Quick facts: There were 3 original songs on the soundtrack that no one should own; the credits say blatanly, "Play the Total Recall game by Acclaim"; In the German Version the "Johnny Cab"-Robot is making a loud belching sound instead of saying "Hell of a day, isn't it ?" This is possibly an in-joke by the dubbing studio.; the porno is called Total Reball; And this movie might actually make a decent remake.

People are THE BEST:

In the messageboards, user mikekaraoke23 is perplexed that the movie says by the difference of 1989 and 1990, not knowing whether to make this an 80s movie or a 90s movie. Despite the fact that it was released in 1990, mikekaraoke23 simply wants 1989 to have the credit because that when Total Recall was filmed, he sites his RoboCop VHS and knowledge of the film 'Ghost' as examples. Another user rationally explains to mikekaraoke23 that post-production and marketing are all part of the process, and that the film's year is when it is seen by the audience. But mikekaraoke23 thought of something, and since he thought of it, he is right and uses super specific knowledge on the film 'Ghost' to establish as much so.

Also in messageboards, fans played a game where they created a thread where everyone says 'This post was deleted because..." and I randomly found this one.

I also found a thread remarking on Sharon Stone's Sweat, with 3 creepy horny replys. I clicked on one, Gridoon, and found his movie reviews to be charming. He seems to like the psuedo-porn sci-fi genre, mixed with some Abbott and Costello slap-stick, and for some reason works involving Agatha Christie. On page 21 of his reviews, I found his love of Shannon Tweed and the hatred of movies she was in: "you don't expect a woman who made a name for herself by starring in countless soft-core erotic thrillers to be a convincing fighter, but somehow Tweed is."

Final Thoughts:

Holy Shit. Looking at this page as much as I did felt like making a brick squirt brick juice. I feel like I just backwards learned the process in which to suck out one's brain with a vacuum, which means blowing it in through my ass. Total Recall is kind of a great movie if you forget about taste and want violence and haven't seen a movie since 1990. I covered it because it kind of is a guilty pleasure, and I wondered what happened to Benny. Now, after seeing how seriously this movie took itself, and how much people actually see it as a viable film? Fucking noonan to this. I am only going to watch this movie one more time because Arnold himself does the audio commentary. His voice is funny.

We Got Lucky! Vol. 1 Pt. 3

So the last hour of the VHS tape I found was 2 episodes of the soap opera Passions. This spoke more of the easy access Passions allowed to teenage viewers. Because Passions was a crazy show. Passions would break the fourth wall a lot, have their characters be in Oz for no reason, not inform anyone that a dream was occuring, had a plot where a character would takeover the world using the Pope's chalice, and oh so many rape scenes. In fact, the 2005 season is known as The Year of the Rape. I believe they had Abraham Lincoln rape somebody, but it might have been consensual. The story lines were so obtuse and deranged, that any casual viewer could be sucked right into the trap of watching this Soap Opera. Which was fine, because they had an evil small person who assisted a witch.

Needless to say, I couldn't get into Passions. I'd like to think that is because I grew up some, but it probably had more to do with me just having to endure Growing Pains and 1998 MTV. I couldn't sit through soap opera schlock. It is interesting to note that this tape was from a high school freshman girl in the minor out lying suburbs of Pittsburgh. These shows had much of an impact on a developing mind that they required to be taped. A pre-fame Leonardo DiCaprio, a in the moment Jesse Camp, and the self indulgence of Passions- all have a common thread in their artistry: off kilter. Seeing Leo on Growing Pains is more weird than anything (look where he is now and look how 80s Growing Pains was), while Jesse Camp and Passions are just balls of weird wax in their own right. Was this a teenager identifying with not normal subject matter, or the marketing of such eccentricity at work? I think this was just taken what you are given, and then finding the real reason to watch. Given Growing Pains, I would hunt out the weirder moments of the show, and of course Jesse Camp was the best thing on MTV during his day. Passions stood out above all the other sitcoms, especially for teens, because- well- it tried to. This tape was the surface being scratched, the look to escape modern trends and to blaze a uniquely their own path of TV watching. Or it was just a tape that never got taped over again. Either way, I'm like eh.

We Got Lucky! Vol. 1 Pt. 2

Hahaha. After the Growing Pains portion of this found VHS tape was an hour long episode of Say What? Karaoke when MTV was in Seaside, NJ for their summers for some reason.

Now I was in Junior High when this happened, and looking back on this- no one should've cared at all about MTV programming. I thought being a karaoke champion meant something, but really all it means is that you helped fill programming to junior high kids thinking they were cool. It worked because it was cool because Jesse Camp. Before I get to Jesse, the judges were Matt Pinfield, some fashion semi celebrity who had a dog, and a mildly drunk Ed Lover. It was hosted by the already mentioned Jesse Camp, who is always in vintage form, and Carson Daly, who had to deal with Jesse Camp in vintage form.

Jesse Camp was by far the best thing on MTV when he was on MTV. For example, when he had to read from his cue cards, he paused, though about where it was, pulled it out from his pocket, unfolded it and slowly read it. Carson, who professionally held his cue cards, said "Right from your pocket huh?" When Carson would ask Jesse what he thought about the performers, Jesse would either say "That was something else" or "That, that was great". Jesse was also in charge of the audition interviews, so he knew some of the karaoke performers before the show and clearly played favorites with them. Sometimes Carson would chide Jesse and say something mean yet truthful, prompting Jesse to say "aw c'mon man". It really was a wonderful thing that when MTV let people vote on who would be a VJ- the winner turned out to be a wonderfully unprofessional stoner who concentrated more on looks and didn't really grasp where he was or who he was talking to.

For example, the tape then went to I Wanna Be A Spice Girl, which again- was MTV filler time where they had idiots sing Spice Girls songs because Ginger Spice left the Spice Girls. Jesse was again the audition correspondent, and when some people would sing the songs and forget the words, Jesse would join in and sing "Bop zoppa doo zop, zippa doppa doo dop". That's just great.

For more of whatever I'm talking about, be around tomorrow.

We Got Lucky! Vol. 1 Pt. 1

WE GOT LUCKY! As I was cleaning the giant stack of VHS tapes we've accumulated in our apartment, there was one in the pile that my wife had taped when she was a teen. Neither of us knew we had this, so naturally I put the tape in as means of background fodder for me to continue cleaning. And oh- did this tape suck me in.

The calender year was of 1998. This tape included: episodes of Growing Pains that strongly feature Leo DiCapz as the kid Mike Seaver loved like a brother or some shit like that. Very little Ashley Johnson's Chrissy in these episodes and Ben, who I fucking hate, dealt with a bully. And these were taped of Zoog Disney.

It was interesting to study Leo DiCapz knowing full well what he would become. Did he flash those shades of brilliance? If I mean good looks, than yeah. Acting-wise: meh. My theory on the Leo DiCapz acting train is that the man emanates leading man musk. He was great in The Aviator, and hit us with his best shots in the banner year of Blood Diamond/The Departed. Plus I just saw him the day before in Intercepticon. He sure does act in Growing Pains. He's not funny by any means, and when his character, Luke, tells a joke- he does so by smiling. Leo goes for more real reaching, which is very welcomed over the punctuated acting of that fuckhole Ben. There were 3 episodes, and one of them was Leo's send-off episode where we meet his truck driving no good dad. Blah blah blah. Alan Thicke drives a truck. It is simple to note, that Growing Pains is all about Mike Seaver- and watching these episodes made me realize why I shouldn't care about Growing Pains- because it revolves around this young adult who schemes while he grows up. Leo stole the show, but really because it was before he was famous. Also his character was a homeless kid.

There was also a bunch of "why did they choose to do this" disney channel commercials. Like interviews of 7 year olds about their Christmas traditions, and horrible representations of popular shows like Bug Juice and accurately horrible ones of the Famous Jett Jackson. But really- this is just the tip of the Iceberg. This was a 5 hour tape, and I just covered 1 and a half. This tape gets better. Better than our first glimpses of Leonardo DiCaprio on a classic 80s sitcom better.

Review: Inception - NO SPOILERS

To make super sure none of this movie is spoiled for anyone, even though it is 3 weeks old by now, I went over this review and took out all unnecessary information

Inception is a .... ...... .... .......... ...... .... .......... ..........has .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... of .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... movie. .... .......... .......... .......... .......... this.......... .......... .......... .......... ...... .... ...... .... ...... .... ...... .... .......... ...... .... .......... .......... ...... .... .......... ...... .... ...... .... ...... .... ....... Christopher Nolan directs .... ...... .... ...... Leo DiCapz has a goatee and is leading man 101. .... ...... .... ...... .... ...... other actors. .... ...... .... ...... didn't even want Ellen Page to give a baby she had to Jennifer Garner .... ...... .... ...... Tom Hardy is omg mega cuter than JGL. Maybe I should've said mecca cuter. If only because talking about superficial aspects of the movie reveals no spoilers. .... ...... .... ...... .... ...... I guess would be attracted to Marion Cotillard. .... .......... ...... .... ...... .... in .......... .......... .......... .... when ...... .......... .......... .......... is .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... to .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... a .......... .......... .......... is .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... ...... There are no .... ......, .... ......, .... ......, .... ...... .... ...... .... ......, .... .......... ......., .... , or Weird Al Yankovic songs in this movie. But maybe saying what isn't in the movie is kind of a spoiler. I'll have to go back and look at those more intently (NOTE: I did, I left Weird Al because I am alright if you are disappointed there is no Inception Lady Gaga parody song... yet). .... .......... ...... this .... .......... ...... .... .......... .......... ...... Overall .... ...... .... ...... .... ......

Looking back this was a stupid idea along the lines of Pet Rock and your birth. I just insulted you because I am lashing out for a lazy interested. At least I admitted it.