WHAT MY THEME SONG SAYS ABOUT ME: The OC

Phantom Planet was just this band trying to get by. They had a debut record on Geffen in 1998 and their drummer was in a breakout star in a Wes Anderson movie. They kept trying, and low and behold- a piano driven ballad that most people found whiny seemed to perfectly compliment to teen angst.

"California" lent some credibility to a teen drama. Teen drama's are always looking to scavenge credibility. Paula Cole had a break out single and best new artist Grammy, and then turned her whiny ballad into a teen drama theme song. Phantom Planet had somewhat a cred in a non-successful artistic sense, and turned their whiny song into an one. "Right back where we started from" is such a quintessential vague line about nothing that of course teens will eat that up.

The OC really was about making teens eat out of their hands. Fox shows in general are known to give their audience what they want. Married with Children was loved by schmucks, The Simpsons panders to their nerds, Prison Break kept prison breakin'. Glee. The OC had- hot guys, hot girls, single parents, guns, indie music, spiderman references, a setting where the hot guys and girls could wear swimsuits. Having 'California' as their theme song was saying "hey, this song makes us look like we give a fuck". It worked. I usually hate things in equivalence to how much people misguidedly loved something- and I really hated The OC.

I can't be all that mad. I love making fun of this song by singing it. I mean, I don't have to add anything, this song is really funny. I mean putting that much emotion into the syllables of an already been done word like 'California'- that's funny. Some people like it, apparantly a lot of peolpe did- but I liked in my own cynical way.

It's vague and doesn't need to make sense, aka The Simpsons Did it.

Here's another Knot's Landing set to that theme song:

Here's some assholes being assholes set to the song:

Here's some asshole singing it while his mom films it:

Here's some assholes who think they're gonna make it singing it:

And finally, here's a kid singing it to a Target gift card:

Hustlers get your guns.

WHAT MY THEME SONG SAYS ABOUT ME: Alf

You have this show about an American family with a one comedic outlet. You choose that comedic outlet to be an alien. You make that alien hairy and with snout. Luckily it is small enough for some reason, knows your language enough to be consistently wisecracking for some reason, and is now an integrated part of your family. That's super. That is swell. A fuzzy little best friend who gives dad a hard time and humorously tries to eat the cat. Life as summed up by:

They really felt the need to hammer home that this was a family-friendly show. You advertise the alien, but you still want him to appeal somewhat to a female 25-40 demographic. That theme song really cuts out any bite Alf tried to gain. That theme song really shows that this is about a puppet and a family. The theme song really says this dad's relationship with his kids is rocky at best because he has glasses, but at least he has enough heart to learn to love an alien who is the equivalent (in humor and annoyingness) as Full House's Joey.

But as it turned out, Alf was still to edgy. He was a bad influence, probably, on children. To make matters more--- wussy, some pleasant light rock saxophone was added to the theme song. CLICK HERE.

So Alf went for the family demographic and hoped to catch the counter culture and other smart people with irony. Did it work? Yes. Yes it did. Alf is so ironic that his cycle came and went twice already. He is next due to be funny in the 2020s. Despite its docile nature and elevator muzak inspiration, it is a wel crafted theme song with such pleasant overtones that no midwife from the bible belt could possibly turn away from an alien introduced by it. The song sucks, but that's because the show ultimately sucked. What did the Alf theme song say about Alf the show? "We're giving you the courtesy of not to think for the next half hour".

WHAT MY THEME SONG SAYS ABOUT ME: Perfect Strangers

The theme song to a television show is pretty unimportant for something very very important. I honestly don't know how I can make that anymore clear.

Perfect Strangers' Theme song "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now" was a song that could only exist within the realms of being a theme song. Was it good? No. Was it cheesy and memorable parallel to the cheesiness and memorableness of the actual show? Indubitably. The song was written by perhaps the most prolific songwriters whose names you would never recognize- Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay, writers of not just this theme, but of Family Matters, Step by Step, and Full House theme songs. That's a whole lot of vague metaphors about togetherness.

But, ahem, what does the Perfect Strangers' theme say about Perfect Strangers? Well it establishes an aura of soft playfulness. The jittery keyboard is uplifted by the most welcoming of drum beats right off the bat, and then a little harmonica is thrown in there making you feel: relaxed. We don't have to worry about these strangers, because these strangers are light hearted characters with some relatable qualities. The theme's harmony says: "Ya know- these guys really are perfect strangers." Perfect being one of the most overused words of modern corporate marketing. Then we get lyrics:

Sometimes the world looks perfect,
Nothing to rearrange.
Sometimes you get a feeling
Like you need some kind of change.

-In the first 2 sentences, we get the entire backstory. There are 2 feelings these guys have felt in their lives. Perfection in their lives, and then a rejection of that perfection in the form of moving to Chicago with a person who will likely be the catalyst for a series of misadventures pertaining to one of you not being from the country. Eh, you're in your late 20s, go for it.

No matter what the odds are this time,
Nothing's going to stand in my way.
This flame in my heart,
And a long lost friend
Gives every dark street a light at the end.

- The golden line of a poorly written character, "Nothing's going to stand in my way". It doesn't get much more watered down relatable than that. You can have all the "Flame in my heart" and "light at the end"s in the world, because "nothing's going to stand in my way" is being sung. It's vapid, yet, through irony, quite poignant.

Standing tall, on the wings of my dream.
Rise and fall, on the wings of my dream.

-This is the best part of the song, and undoubtedly the part you remember. The rest of the song can suck it because I have dreams, and these dreams are flying. They are flying because they have wings. My dream grew wings and is now in a sky. And I am on those wings. I am falling while rising on those wings. On those dream wings my standing isn't short, my dream wing standing is tall. It is tall. On the wings of my dream. Just saying it makes me want to, I dunno, fix the leak in my den.

The rain and thunder
The wind and haze
I'm bound for better days.

It's my life and my dream,
Nothing's going to stop me now.

- Harmonica again to remind us: it's just a song for a TV show. We were so struck by the exuberance of the dream wing breakdown, that this harmonica comes in and slaps us back down to the couch saying "hey now watch this show". Which we likely did. Because that theme song let us know that we didn't have to think during this show. The images we saw were of a straight laced white guy and a foreign man, both with odd noses, galavanting about Chicago, while I know they at least have dreams, and, though I can't see it, I know they have feelings for each other.

The theme to Perfect Strangers outshines the Perfect Strangers show. You remember Balki. You remember Balki had semi-catchphrases or just said the same words in a funny way on a regular basis. You know Larry's haircut better than you know Larry. But, c'mon, you know that theme song more than anything. Its hollow sentiment and cotton soft instrumentation scream late 80s hopefulness. In fact- Treehouse of Horror 15 used the song instead of the regular theme, if not only for its irony, but for the 'perfect' button to its opening parodying of sitcom cliches. The Perfect Strangers theme songs sits atop a pile of TV theme songs as the shining example that TV themes are simultaneously rudimentarily lifeless and unabashedly thrilling. At least in the one part where the singer belts it out.

Everybody: Stan Ding TAAAAAALLL...