Review: Yesterday's Review: Patriots

What was that, right? Was there a purpose in posting that certain video? Did I just like that video? Why did I call it say it was for Patriots? Was it being ironic because it was french? Was it dadaism? Was it thought out at all? More, importantly, when will the blog go back to being normal?

To answer that last question and ignore the rest, the blog will go back to normal tomorrow. And to answer any lingering sentiment I suppose you may have: That post yesterday should've been called 'Review: Too Busy' as much as this post should be called 'Review: Rhetorical Questions' as much as you read this blog without a Facebook link. Anyway, video for laughing at:

Review: Patriots

Let'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGEs OF!: Angus VS Baby's Day Out

VS

CLICK EACH PICTURE TO TAKE YOU TO THE IMDB PAGE

A different type of IMDB page scouring this month. Taking a look at two movies at once is like killing two nearly dead birds with a semi-visable stone. Why these two movies from the mid-90s? They have the same director! Patrick Read Johnson, besides having a middle surname that is a popular activity to encourage children to do, has directed 6 movies, 2 you are reading about, 3 that know one will ever care about, and his first movie was the great movie poster of a movie of 'Spaced Invaders'. Now, his most popular movies are 1994's Baby's Day Out (which was Home Alone but Outside as a Baby), and the 1995 teen-angst comedy Angus. Both movies were benefactor's of marketing plans to under 18 demographics, so that's why I can say I have seen each movie multiple times in my youth, and once each in my adulthood.

A Quick Glance Over We See:

That John Hughes wrote Baby's Day Out. If we ever suspected John Hughes of being a stoner, this is the proof pudding we needed. Also, another first note is that this movie is altogether easy to make fun of and thereby I am setting myself up for defeat by talking about it. Angus, on some other far distant hand, has their cast listed alphabetically. Which means you have to click more, and scroll down to see who played the title character. So, Baby's Day Out wins this round. 1-0.

Let's Look at the Career's of:

There are a plenty of great actors in both these movies. Baby's Day Out has Joe Mantegna, Joey Pantoliano, and the underrated Brian Haley as the bumblers, and Lara Flynn Boyle as the Baby mom. Angus boasts two of the greatest actors of all-time, which is super weird. Oscar denier George C. Scott and Oscar winner Kathy Bates. But the ultimate match-up is between the title characters

The Baby as played by brothers Adam Robert Worton and Jacob Joseph Worton. They have no other credits to their name. Though Adam has a literal idiot being excited about seeing him act in a Spielberg remake that has never been announced. Both will turn 18 in Novemeber. Here's to getting laid from past fame, fellas! Adam is more popular because he actually has message board comments.

Angus Bethune is played by Charlie Talbert, in his first and last starring role. His bigger movies I heard of were Van Wilder (uncredited as Stomach Guy) and Art School Confidential (unnamed as Vince's Editor). He was also one of the leads in the cleverly titled 'Bachelor Party Las Vegas', alongside such luminaries as Kumar, Freshman Year Van Wilder aka pre-quel Bo Duke aka the male teen hunk in Mean Girls, Vincent Pastore, and Turk from Scrubs. It is within his trivia section where his legend is explained: "Discovered while eating in a Wendy's located at the Lake Forest, Illinois, Oasis over the Tri-State Toll Road (I-94) when he was coming back after watching a bike race at the Northbrook Velodrome with a friend. Service was lousy and Charlie started making jokes at this guy waiting for his French fries. The guy happened to be Patrick Read Johnson, who would be the director of Angus (1995). He told Charlie that, if he thought he was so funny, he should audition for his movie. Charlie did, and won the part."

So we're at a push, right? No. Angus wins for featuring before famous James Van Der Beek, that red-headed kid from American Pie that was called Sherminator (he is actually pretty awesome in Angus), and one of my favorite all time kid performances to like ironically enough to love, Ariana Richards. 1-1.

15 minutes into the page:

AWARDS: Baby's Day Out - Zero; Angus- Nominated- Best Performance by an Actress Under 10- Bethany Richards (Ariana's Little Sister). 2-1, Angus.

TRIVIA: We learn Baby's Day Out: had the score written in 3 weeks, it cost $50 million to make (right?), and Verne Troyer split stunt baby duty with a robot. Angus, we learn, could've been a much better movie but thanks to cutting out a gay dad, half the movie being cut due to a licensing agreement with TNT, and the overtly presence of Green Day (J.A.R.) the movie became much the play-by-play of any outsider in High School movie. Verne Troyer playing a baby gets it. 2-2.

People Are the Best:

Cool_Dudez11 has an urgent message: he found a scene in the special features trailer where it looks like the baby is actually getting hurt. He even makes screen grabs (they are no longer hosted). The rest of the commenter thread goes on to tell him that of course he's wrong, suprisingly through logic, and not calling him an idiot.

Ok- so Cool Dudez thinks Charles Grodin looks like Steve Martin, and loved made for television movie with a cameo by Justin Timberlake Model Behavior.

Cancerousspyguy asks the board What Kind of People like this movie? His theory is that he wasn't popular in high school, so he liked it because he could relate to it. While his popular friend didn't like it because he was so damn popular. A popular girl comments, and then cancerouspussy asks her how it feels to be popular, which makes the whole thing a giant pity party.

Oh, Cancer Spy? He started his comment career in 2007 with the Angus thread. He tried a lot in 07 but wasn't getting responses. He posted about once a year since then. His last one in 2007 was again, too personal, asking someone who called Before Sunrise a bad movie if they ever experienced anything like the movie. His 2010 post was asking if anyone was going to the Before Sunrise tour of Vienna, which one person responded to and said no.

These two snapshots of people who watch these movies provide me with my decision on who won: Angus, places a lot of emphasis on emotion and literally the best actor in the world, George C. Scott, in your movie lifts it to a higher plain. But no it didn't. Baby's Day Out is a weird movie to like, and frankly, even know it exists. Just talking about it in my blog gives me the same feeling you get when a piece of fuzz on your tounge. It immediately is weird and weirdly not gross.

Final Verdict:

I actually enjoy the beginning of Angus, where he plays football well but no one cares and he keeps breaking the popular kid's nose repeatedly. Then it coasts on being an outsider movie. What could've been good, turned to be not good. How do I know its not good? Well the director made Baby's Day Out. And hasn't gotten consistent work since then. Baby's Day Out is a weird movie because it exists. Any movie starring a baby is weird. If you actually watch the movie (don't) you can see there are ample times for the burglars to grab the baby, but instead they just talk about how they're gonna grab it. Patricks Read Johnson, you don't work for a reason.

Also, I forgot who won already.

Review: Wild Goose Chase

Shakespeare first used the term Wild Goose Chase in Romeo and Juliet, quoth Mercutio: "Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five." (CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR FIRST SHAKESPEARE REFERENCE DUMB REVIEWS!) Today. A wild goose chase refers to foolishly following something unattainable.

My friends, I have went on a wild goose chase recently. Let me tell you something about it: Soooooo Relaxing! I mean, I didn't catch any birds, nor came close, but man do geese take a scenic path. They're not that fast either. So I could take my time and really- just enjoy being outside in nature. There was a time when I feel like I could've captured one of the goose, but why bother? He himself was on a wild goose chase, the same wild goose chase as I, why would I want to interrupt such a leisurely activity.

I don't know what the hub bub is about Wild Goose Chases. Maybe it's due to the actually chasing part. Chasing implies a menacing motivation behind it. If you do like I, and simply say 'Here goosey goosey! Honk Honk goosey goosey!' while slightly bending forward and mimick something in your hand while not taking the whole 'chase' things so literally- then you'd be having a good time. "These are WILD geese, what if one gets rowdy?" Well they are still geese, you can still hit them pretty hard. It's not like they got a hard outer shell or anti-kick serum. They usually fly anyway, so you just have to follow them. And they make a lovely arrow V pattern always pointing in the way to go.

If you're still skeptically, ask a local woodsman to go on a Domesticated Goose Chase. Their wings are clipped, and their life is pretty much over. So that should get your confidence up. If you want something more dangerous than what I described, a Wild Swan Chase... yikes. That yikes refers to the metaphorical nature of all this, where in swans, being a symbol for beauty/vanity, are always the most dangerous life paths to follow. That last sentence huh?

REVOLUTIONARY CHARACTER ALERT: Mighty Joe Jon- The Black Blonde

aka

Review: Nepotism

Delocated is more brilliant than your show. The premise of a reality show about a man in the witness protection program has proved to be a poignant commentary on the state of celebrity and fame. Main character "Jon" often is distracted by the fact that someone is trying to kill him with his own obsession of making money of his fame. That premise works because reality shows are so ripe for parody. Now- in season 2, we have a new character that makes "Jon's" day-to-day problems meet his bigger problem of someone out to kill him in the form of a TV executive out to make better ratings.

Enter Mighty Joe Jon- The Black Blonde. (click and watch clip)

As stated- Delocated is possibly the most brilliant show currently on TV. They so well established their premise that anything can work within their means. Mighty Joe Jon is a TV Executive, and the character serves as a point to call out all the ridiculous things reality shows do to their 'stars'. Mighty Joe Jon exists to make his reality star money... he gives "Jon" hints on to broaden his appeal, encourages a catch phrase, coincides that catchphrase into a popular song from the 80s, and even finds a food to market one of "Jon's" strengths (SPOILER: his strength was grief and they made grief jerky (hahahahah)). But just take in Mighty Joe Jon. See him for what he is. He is not only a black guy who dyes his hair blonde... he is THE black guy who dies his hair blonde. He has cornered that niche market on reality TV and now has taken his talents to TV Executive (after he wrote a successful book on 'reaction faces'). I like to think that Joe Jon was so good at being a reality TV show star, that a black blonde person can never be on a reality TV show again because they will just live in Mighty Joe Jon's shadow (I also imagine his blonde hair shows up in his shadow). The character just reminds me of the marketing of Jersey Shore or Kate Gosselin clinging to fame. Mighty Joe Jon is bringing the disturbing truths of reality that Delocated has hinted at before. Now that they have full half-hour episodes, they really can flesh out just how awful reality TV is.

I would be remiss not to mention Jerry Minor, who has been one of my favorite people since high school. You'll remember him from Mr. Show, and forget him from his lone season on SNL. Jerry is a legend in my house, and this remarkable character (who is a full time character, as Jerry was second billing) is now part of the pantheon of his remarkable career.

Seriously, Delocated is unfairly funny. I feel a warm transcendence whenever I watch it. It's like watching Da Vinci paint or Prince fuck. Turbulently controlled. I would say it's on a Python-level, but it is not a sketch show. The things that paved the way for it are Get a Life and Strangers with Candy, though Delocated brings a more informed balance to the show. Which is weird to say, because they never show that they do. So many ridiculous sentences are said so nonchalantly, that this shouldn't even be a TV show. This should be a love letter we send to the future that says, "We had art, and beauty, and we were smart and were outraged." But that would mean the future would have to be a lovely place. *sigh*