Review: LeBron James

Do I fault myself for believing the hype? No. The hype has always been there and was always backed up. I just feel... and the ellipsis is there for dramatical reasons... cheated. This was supposed to be the LeBron James year. The best player in the game wins a championship--- and we all say "no duh- the best player in the game is supposed to win championships". And it is because Michael Jordan spoiled us. Do I want another Jordan? Yes, but in a different packaging- one that has assists as well- and that was supposed to be LeBron James. Because that's the hype I believed. But a 2nd round bow out? On a team stacked for him to win a championship? OU-CHA. I get it that Shaq is old, but he split time with another former all-star center and the team's energy player. You also somehow got another all-star. One that can shoot the corner shot and take the scoring load off LeBron in Antawn Jamison. When Kobe got a gift player- he at least reached the finals with him that year (lost to Boston- maybe Boston is just the better team?). I am the type of person who wants what is best for the NBA- and right now- that thing created points off turnovers for the wrong team and isn't playing basketball anymore. I hope he feels bad about himself. He had some weight on some shoulders, and when you are that high profile- you live up to that weight. It's called being great. I don't know who to blame- so I'll just blame the supporting cast. It's not LeBron's fault? It can never be... is he that good? Game 5, you can blame- and therefore we might blame him on this series? But Mo Williams is no Kevin Johnson and they don't have anyone close to Dan Majerle. Better back court? Sure. But by now we're just stacking the team and it's like the Yankees. And in sports- we hate the Yankees. That Phoenix Suns team had young guys too in Ceballos and Dumas- so basically I am saying the 92 93 Suns were a better designed Championship team because they came about naturally, and they lost naturally. The 2009-10 Cavs- built up around a stud, and lost around the stud. Do I ask who can play with LeBron when I very well know everyone can- maybe it is who can stand the pressure and win a championship with LeBron? Shaq can and didn't. That question has everything to do with free agency. He should just team up with Bosh and go to New York because at least it's trying something. And I need something from LeBron. Stay in Cleveland? With all that pressure there? Sure, your legacy is there (great players- one team (we don't count Washington for MJ)), but you are 2010- big money, friends with Jay-Z, CEO, you are a business, and you can do anything you want. And me- I am just opining. It has been less than 12 hours and I miss you already. Miss you playing basketball. I didn't want anyone else to win a championship this year. I thought the Magic were a better team anyway, but this is playoff LeBron who can win series just by being the best player in the game. Basketball is tougher than it looks. I already knew that. I just wanted to believe.

This Kevin Durant bandwagon has too many open seats anyway.

Review: The Simpson's Basement

Perhaps, I've never talked about the Simpsons too much out of respect and reverence. But who does that? They are so rich and deep in character that most people don't like them anymore. The Simpsons is a gold standard, and the viewing audience has seen gold for 20 years. It's just a little airborn- it's still good. That being established- I'd like to talk about a seldom used facet of Simpsonia- The Simpson's Basement. In the real life Simpson's house, they did not bother to build a basement. Why not? The basement has served many a function. A place where Homer can brew beer without the watchful eye of Rex Banner, store their giant tiki head Xtapolapocetl (a gift from Mr. Burns), hold old TV guides, the secret lair for Pie Man, Marge's sanctuary when she had agrophobia (pictured abovely), a place where Bart invites homeless men to sleep (in spite of the radon gas leak, a place to hide a sauna, and basically where Marge does laundry (and where Bart used to race the laundry machines). Homer's tool are down there, but he is more keen on working in the garage. Homer does use the basement to bat around a lightbulb that hangs there to keep him sane after giving away multi million dollar greyhounds. A hanging lightbulb and laundry. Talk about lower upper middle class. They can't afford a nice basement, but they don't really use it anyway (they have had a ping pong table at times, also some nuclear waste and paint cans (not as much as Ol' Painty Can Ned though). It's just a basement. A seldom used basement. It speaks more to the fact that this family watches TV rather than re-do a basement that is prone to flooding, is poorly ventilated, and is a D'oh to clean. Sometimes the door to the basement is a closet door, and sometimes it's a basement door. Either way, homer falls down the steps when there is no light bulb in it because Bart used it to hatch eggs of a bird he killed at Nelson's house using a gun with crooked sight.

See- The Simpsons are about the reference and the trail to go off of. Why? Because they are hilarious. There was deeper meaning in the more satirical days of seasons 4 thorugh 8, but now its just The Simpsons continued legacy of brilliance. And I love the Simpsons. I just talked about their basement.

Review: Andy Samberg

'Jewish Comedic Legacy' or None of those word

The trouble of Andy Samberg is whether to root for him or not. He is making his name for his self in a highly specific vacuum of nuanced song-parody and internet friendly humor. And it is funny, if not unapologetically goofy. It's just not always funny. And Samberg fills the role of 'good-looking goof-ball' cast member too well. So we rushed him into a movie. The movie was Hot Rod, and that cannot be considered a bad movie for we get to see Danny McBride and Bill Hader act opposite each other, as well as one of the best lines in movie history from Chris Parnell: “I’ve got a tattoo here that fully illustrates my point. It’s of this rebellious young man, and he’s urinating on an FM radio. And then this other stream of urine is going onto that television set. Implausible, I know, but I like to think that he had sex the night before, and a little bit of residue is blocking his urethra, allowing the urine to flow in two separate directions.” Samberg in the movie? Eh. Channeling your inner-Will Ferrell is best left to Youtube users. I just want him to get another chance. It's that I don't want to hate Andy Samberg. He likely smokes a ton of weed and he dates Joanna Newsom and he pulls off that haircut. And how much I hate lasercats- I still watch it. Samberg displays a great appreciation and genuine care for the things he parodies- just not strong acting chops in them. I don't like seeing Cathy or Scrooge McDuck when they are not done justice. Sudeikas stepped out in 30 Rock, The Ten, and The Rocker. That's just one example. As every other main cast member- Arms, Forts, Wiigs, Hader, and Keenan- have proven themselves completely viable outside SNL confines. Hell, even Jorma has, and he is the behind the scenes guy who helped build the Samberg giant. I'm just saying all this, because there is hostile comedy nerd uprising against Samberg. He can continue in his schlock of 80s parody and catchphrases and entertain 13 year olds to fulfill the role of 'internet age Adam Sandler', or he can do something else and I can have a higher opinion of him. Whatever. He should gain 150 pounds as art. Whatever. He should fuck fruit on stage. Whatever. He should hang out at Western Unions and ask people if they are surprised to see him. He can't help he is marketable. I just don't really like him. I mean look at that picture- a messenger bag to a gala event?

Review: Mustache Respect

Appropriate can be defined as 'within means of a given moral realm'. This being an age of equality and of the internet (meaning an age of easy chastising) I find the mustache to be a larf. Larf can be defined as a made up word with no real meaning but with intentions to mock probably and to be looked at dowardly definitely. I am not going to define dowardly, you can use context clues. The point here is, mustaches were past their peak before I knew what a peak was when I was a child and now they are past their ironic peak. That is in large part due to the mustache finger tattoo that makes you cool for approximately 2 seconds and of the marketing of the mustache. Blame Anchorman. I readily blame Anchorman for many things daily. Blame your dad. I shot blame all over your dad last night. I non sequitured all over you right now. No, but your dad, our dad's generation, was the generation where we started moving from the word 'father' to 'dad' and they were cool in the '70s and mustaches completely made sense in the '70s. It showed personality and women were more objects. Today people are smarter and more gay. Sure there are people still attracted to mustaches, so the mustache isn't completely dead. But for the most part, the mustache reminds us of our father. There is more to life than irony, and that is called smarter irony. Please be more specific and detailed with your irony so that no one gets it. If you gain an obscene amount of weight, wear a muumuu, a funny cap, and have catchphrases in a pseudo effeminate tone- that'd be hilarious because you are putting your life in danger. If you wear lab coats and have frizzy hair and always have a gadget of sorts you have made that doesn't work- well I'd just like that. If you play center for the Orlando Magic and really are just a force on the court and basically slam dunk the entire time while acting comical off the court, well you've been done to death.

To sum things up, you'd have to be upper echelon cool to pull off a mustache. And if you're likely reading this, you likely know no one who is.

Review: Weekend Box Office

Currently, as I am of the date and time placed on this entry, the box office #1 movie is probably an Iron Man movie. That is to set up the parlance of our times, you trophy wife. The weekend box office take is such a wonderful ploy, that reaches to the core of every american with the burning issue: should I care about a celebrity. Sure, there are high roads to be taken, as Paul Giamatti will nary be seen on the box office list... but nary means sometimes. And Paul Giamatti was in Big Fat Liar. Also other things. Now the high road can lead to only seeing Harmony Korine movies and knowing who Leo Fitzpatrick is (which is great) but it also misses out on the mysterious charms of a Robert Downtown Jr, or any of the off-beat performances of anybody who was ever acting in the 'Saw' film franchise. But mades are made, and subsequently lied in. The Weekend Box Office validates people and un-validates them: we loved Jennifer Aniston, and now- it is acceptable to ignore her. So thank you "The Bounty Hunter". The box office also lets us take our unrequitted love of certain actors and push them so that they are allowed to do movies from now on ie the success of Date Night hopefully means more Tina Fey guffawing on the big screen. The box office is also a mistress to delegate what to think of Matt Damon. Matt Damon isn't going away, but at least we have a tolerability index (come back, The Hater). Currently, thanks to Green Zone, we are tired of him which has suffocated all his Informant and Invictus goodwill.

The Weekend Box office, though it is cruel, fickle, and contradicts itself, is governed by the highest of low powers- the people. Cases in points- Kangaroo Jack and Sweet Home Alabama were #1 movies. We are America and we don't care about art and merit- and sometimes we do, but sometimes we let Sandra Bullock have Oscars. So what am I trying to say? Nothing. I am never saying anything because everything is ridiculous and people still listen to Freebird. America has ruined Winnie the Pooh and continues to do so. But we also let Sacha Baron Cohen make fun of people, and oh look- the Box office does create a genuine rift in that I can experience the magic of Harmony Korine and Leo Fitzpatrick. Did I contradict myself? Did I not contradict myself? Will I ever can be not able to howsoever whosever whatsoever Tome Seaver Amen.