Ten: Types Of Hair Weaves I Invented Soley based on Names I Just Thought Up

-Churls In Churge: Your favorite zoo animal is killed in front of a kindercare class field trip, and then a picture of yourself in a Santa suit with beard askew is circulated amongst the class with the caption "This person is using this animal's hair for a weave."

-The First 20 Minutes of the Apocolypse: Fiona Apple's 'Criminal' is played on non-stop loop at a Sarasota area mental hospital. The hair pulled out by the patients is then made into a weave.

-Snaddy Janette's Rice Wagon: You are stranded on an island for 1 week with the proper amount of food, but it is covered with human hair. From your fecal matter- the hair is extracted and then made into your own weave.

-Squid Cuisine: Pour 98 gallons of gasoline into a lake, and then torch. What floats to the top is sprinkled with hair and made into a weave because that's what I'm supposed to be talking about.

-Vertical Mooning: A weave made from the ass hair of Scandinavian hospital patients (extra for curls, extra extra for females, extra extra extra for disease free)

-Hope Springs Eternal: A weave is made with the pulpy material created by recycling all the foreclosed Blockbuster DVD copies of Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain MIXED with all the carpeting from MC Hammer's former estate

-Sternum Value: Hair is wrapped around a rib bone of YOUR choosing (Ribs provided by Wes' Poorly Guarded Orphan Cemetary - home of the saddest ghosts)

-The First 20 Seconds of a Pauly Shore Movie: Artist Banksy Follows You for 12 hours and then creates a weave that subtly mocks you while making you more relevant to pop culture

-Fudge Powder: A gopher snorts chinese spices and bath salts, and then sneezes on your head

-Half Price NAMBLA Orgy: all the above ones combined attached as fast as possible by midget with a blindfold while you are standing up (her fingers are the men to the hair of your boys)

Top Ten Reasons Why Ten is a Good Number for a List of Reasons

10. Having a one followed by a zero, gives the illusion of Laurel and Hardy- who everyone still enjoys

9. Look at your fingers, stupid

8. It worked for Moses, er, God, er Julia Styles hating you

7. It's easy to remember 5 things, sure, 7- you're pretty smart, but 10? Well, now we know we can fuck with you

6. the T sound followed by a crisp N prevents a myriad of saliva from forming

5. the first two digit number is the best two digit number all you other two digit numbers are doped up on crack so step off other two digit numbers or I'll shove this crane up your ass

4. I know several viking warlords named 'Ten' who I owe several favors to

3. Top Ten has a T-vowel-letter pattern

2. Herman Melville once wrote, "The eye of the seas, sit stark underneath, an ever diabolical flow- for nine men to have rued, while other men stood, another would have got her to show." He died searching for the best number for a list, getting all the way up to 8 before collapsing. His journey wasn't in vain because his brother's son died testing out the merits of a list of 9- thus inspiring some random women who slightly resembled Melville's left facial profile in certain lights to make it all the way to ten in a perfect harmony of listomania (inspiring Liztomania). Unfortunately, she wasn't taken seriously until years after her death because she was a woman.

1. ten reasons diludes the pool so much that the actual number one reason is arguably the best reason, thereby making it super easy to make a list with no merit to it whatsoever