Review: Your Dad on the Internet

"Hon, I'm about to hit send.... no I didn't ask him about that... I'm gonna hit send anyway... I already hit it..... It's gonna be 54 degrees tonight.... No, just cloudy.... well, I'm checking sports now... I don't know how to open a new tab... I know I should've asked him how in the e-mail but I already hit send.... google it? Is that the search in the top bar?.... Hey Tony Curtis died.... Tony Curtis.... you like him.... 'Some Like It Hot'... 'Spartacus'.... he was in 'Bad News Bears Go to Japan'... No, I'm reading this on Yahoo!.... because it's our homepage. I can just click home it's easier.... they probably have the same listings as Google... Sorry, I'm still looking at Sports... No that is not code for porn... No don't come in here.... What do you mean it stays on the computer forever?.... well I don't..... I DON'T.... you looked at the history?.... Keith showed you how?.... So I play online poker.... So I play online beer pong... So I play online cock fighting.... How do you logout of Facebook?.... No I don't use it for that.... So I used a younger picture of me... it says I'm married to you on it.... No I said 'on it'... I can become a fan of 'wearing your seat belt improperly for comfort'.... you wanna see what Lady Ga-gah is wearing, it's better than the last one.... Well what if I do find her attractive?.... Well maybe you should dress like that... oh no, hone, you're thinking of Kerry Perry."

Review: Double O

The Double O (or oo) has made much the cultural impact in the 21st century. It has established itself a leader in the double letter contingency. Where would yahOO or gOOgle be without the sheen of the double 0. It simultaneously is dirty and youthful, yet safe and benign (see schOOl). The double o is in other words, but I feel like I've made my point in those 3 words previously given.

Now to state my point again, repeatedly. The double o is an important cultural letter repetition of the new millennium. The double o lOOks gOOd, and makes word more fun in a looking at bOObs fort of way. The double o is trust, in it you will find enlightenment.

Let's double o-ify some words:
Teen Pregnancy--- teen proognancy
alligator attack--- croocoodoole ootoock
signifier of the apocolypse--- signooofoor oof thoo apoocoolypse

Point made. Point made again: Yahoo! and Google! are smarter people than us. They stumbled upon perfect word to define and have an ease to say. The basic format for success is the OO (or double o). That's why Bing sucks.

(amount of sense in this post: 12) (amount of time taken in this post: less than) (amount of balloons to make a pound: more of)

Review: Facebook

Hopefully, you can read this. This is a response when a Christian Film group I follow on Facebook asked its members what it felt about the movie 'Machete'.

No, I can't believe I found this person existing. The way people use Facebook right? Facebook means so much a different thing to people. For me- it means making fun of chumps. For Gaelic, it means friending spammers to increase the friend count and list friends they actually like as family members on their profile.

Oh. Good gracious.

Review: Youtube

I've always been in the camp of: you put it on the internet, you are fair game to make fun of. I still am in that camp in a never ending weekend retreat. Sometimes you find something that questions why you choose to be mean:

Fan-fucking-tastic. You got all the great makings here- you don't turn off the song in the background. Your cross is next to your Cleveland Show calender. You only show your head. Despite not being able to sing, you go for it. You let your eye brows and tongue do the work. You question yourself. Just, wow on you.

I watched more videos from his account BabaxOreilyx515x:

He's wheelchair bound. But thing is- I DON'T CARE. He's ridiculous. If anything I am encouraging him to keep doing something he clearly loves doing. It's like Timmy on South Park. Not to degrade this kid (his name is Jake) by comparing him to a TV character. The point is: I like watching this kid have fun. Sure he's bad at singing, but bad is defined word. I don't need your definitions man. Maybe it's mean I took humor from the fact that he is singing a song called, 'So Lonely'... I'm in too deep anyway. He uses his top window pane to showcase model cars. At the end of this video he congratulates himself and asks you to subscribe before saying 'more shitty singing to come'.

Why would I look past the fact Jake is in a wheelchair when Jake is in a wheelchair? Everyone knows he is and it's a part of who Jake is. If anything I am sorry for that I have to use Jake as an example of the way I feel about people. But he put a video on Youtube that amused me and he put many more others on there (92 and hopefully counting). He loves music, and wants people to know he loves music. Fine. I love watching him.

Instead of listening to a song I want to hear sometimes, I just type 'me singing' then that song on Youtube. That's how I found Jake... I typed in 'me singing Let it Be'. Out of the hundreds of videos available to me, and the 20 or so I watched- Jake connected to me. Why? His unabashed enthusiasm despite his shitty singing. Which he doesn't care, he likes doing it. He LET'S IT BE. That's why I called this review Youtube. Youtube is a big bold practical inflammatory mish-mash hob-nosed wine-goat killer bee sting encompassing scofflaw of a website. How you use Youtube kind of defines who you are. I don't think I can get that point across any more clearer than sharing these videos of Jake.

Allow Me to be Pissed: A ROGER RABBIT SEQUEL???

A preface for my anger: I get it. It's about money. The whole thing went to hell earlier in the year when they announced a Bugs Bunny CGI movie, which is the equivalent (to me) of a Jesus CGI movie. Nothing is sacred anymore. I get that. NOW LET ME BE PISSED HERE.

You are Robert Zemeckis, and you do not notice that your head is actually a penis. Maybe because it's a shriveled penis with scabs all over it, I don't know. You made some wonderful movies, then decided to stick your hands in your ass and try to reach your eyeballs and made 3 shitty CGI movies in: Polar Express, Beowulf, and A Christmas Carol. Ruin the legacy of 3 great things there because you had the technology to.

But to ruin your own genius of Roger Rabbit by making it completely CGI? ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS!?! Completely CGI? I am throwing up breakfasts from 1992 right now.

1) Roger Rabbit was great because it was an homage to the 1940s- 1950s animation style. Roger was written as a 2-D character.. a TOON! Having him CGI compromises his core being. You are dipping him in The Dip. Super shame.

2) The whole setting was a throwback to that era of old Hollywood mystery movies. Why was Roger Rabbit so revolutionary? Because it was meeting of these 2 worlds. Murder mystery Hollywood and Cartoons--- You're just ganna paint over that with CGI instead of the loving craftsmanship of ACTUALLY DOING IT! Again, you're compromising what made you great, and you're killing a beloved movie's legacy.

3) You got Bob Hoskins on board. I love that. Truth to world- him as Eddie Valient is one of the finest acting performances in history. That movie needed to be grounded in reality, which was deftly provided by Bob Hoskins--- his affiliation with the new one garners some genuine excitement. And then we remember we are just ganna paint over him into CGI. It ruined a mad-cap Jim Carrey in A Christmas Carol, and the prestigious actors of Beowulf couldn't shine through the thick shell of CGI. Even Hoskins is skeptical, "I don’t know how it’s going to work out... the thing is, it looks like a cartoon, so how do you put a cartoon in the middle of a cartoon? I can’t figure out how they are going to do it.” I trust Hoskins more than I trust Zemeckis here.

4) Sequels in general, man. (Especially when you do it more than 20 years later and especially when you weigh it down with the new technology available to you.) Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a much smarter movie than the perception of it. Simply replace cartoons in that movie with black people, and you have a film about racism and prejudice. (I don't know how you'd pull of the Judge Doom twist though). Do you have a smart enough plot ready to live up to the original AND break free of the shackles that restrained your other boring CGI films? As a children's movie, Roger Rabbit ably subverts. As a grown-up's movie, it is wildly imaginative and entertaining. There is a timelessness to it with wonderful characters and the wonderful, somewhat oxymoronic conundrum of seeing Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse together. Classic. Why would you want to step on those toes? Is money really more important than dignity? Do you know this is how people define the term 'Sell-out'?

Of course, I want to see it. Look at this strong emotional reaction I am having. I absolutely love Roger Rabbit, that's precisely why I am still hoping Robert Zemeckis shits out his brain aneurysm and comes to his senses before making this movie. Hell, if he comes out and says this movie is 2 hours of Roger Rabbit fucking Jessica Rabbit in different locations and positions, I will be the first to call him a genius. If it is slight commentary on how modern animation is done more crassly without care, and the movie becomes this huge meta gag on itself complete with Ren and Stimpy cameo- then wow, you're the best. But this is screaming marketing/franchise/Roger Rabbit comic books. So I can calm myself down all I want, but really I need to allow myself to be pissed.