Review: Tossing

Ah, the sweetness of tossing. The middle ground between throwing and lobbing . The cornerstone of gentlemen's baseball. Yes, tossing is the 1st love of catching, and they have had many children together.

But the failure of tossing is it's key component. The unspoken nature that a 'toss' is a lighter throw (ie toss your cookies under the standard of throwing up). Unspokeness leads to danger, as one's man's toss is another man's heave, fling, or chuck.

Tossing is a connection between two people. Tossing take time. You toss with someone, you trust that person. You take care of that person. This isn't the back alley's of crime festooned 1950's San Francisco- this is a 2 way street with very precise lighting street lamps.

When you're out of reach, across the room, or a reasonable amount of stories below, and you just need a non-liquid, likely not to shatter, with-in your strength limits of catching- thank tossing and all that it's tossed for you.

Review: "Teaching"

Those aren't fists yet. Keep curling your fingers. The whole way. Yeah. Yeah! Good, good. Quit moving your thumb around. Keep it in one place. Keep it down. Try tucking it in. Like that. Good. Can you squeeze any? At a boy! Now do the same thing with the other hand. Oh, still keep your one hand in the fist. Keep it shut. If you have to keep it under your arm pit, buddy, we wanna make 2 fists at once. That's it, curl, curl... What do we do with the thumb? Yes! Alright, now slowly take the fist from out of your armpits. Squeeze if you can... Look! You have 2 fists! Now swing your arm. Whoa, alright. Now put your arms to the side. Lift one up, still with the fists. Make an L with your elbow. That's a V, move it out. Good. Now slowly bring it back in the L- still with the fist- and now bring it forward, making it extend out straight in front of you. Good. Now- we're gonna do that but faster. Ok. L shape- baaack, and forward. Back, forward. Back/forward. Backforward. Bacfowrd. Bckfrwd. Bahfd! YES! Good job! That's what throwing a punch feels like. Now if only you could talk.

Let's List: The Type of Parents Who Would Buy This Pink Estate Wagon Rider for Their Child

-Kooky Parents That Buy the Fun Soaps That Encourage Kids to Bath By Themselves

-Neurotic Parents That Live Through Their Kid's Facebook Pages

-Busy Parents That Have The Nanny Deal with Halloween Costumes

-Overwhelmed Parents That Have a Convoluted yet Informed Idea of the America Working Class

-Single Mothers Who Won Custody

-Single Fathers Doing Their Best With Their Daughter

-Gay Farming Parents Who Struck it Rich With Their Line of Organic Carrot Yogurt

-Color Blind Parents That Like the Saw Movie Franchise

-Hilarious Parents Who Prank Their Children

-Hipster Parents Taking Irong Too Far

-Parents That Were Frozen in the 1400s and once being Unfrozen This Was the First Thing They Saw

-Bad Parents Whose Kids Are Not Informed Enough About Breast Cancer

-Grand Parents Still Impressed by Wood Paneling

-Oven Roasted Parents Forced to Purchase Campy Items by the Item's Designer Who Has Gone Mad from Lack of Sales of the Product

- Any Parent Who Think The Will Smith Song "Parent's Just Don't Understand" doesn't apply to them, or Any Parent Who Has Made a Decision Either Way About That Will Smith Song, or Any Parent Who Thinks About Will Smith at all, Or any Parent Who Has Seen Hancock, so AKA idiots

Ten: Types Of Hair Weaves I Invented Soley based on Names I Just Thought Up

-Churls In Churge: Your favorite zoo animal is killed in front of a kindercare class field trip, and then a picture of yourself in a Santa suit with beard askew is circulated amongst the class with the caption "This person is using this animal's hair for a weave."

-The First 20 Minutes of the Apocolypse: Fiona Apple's 'Criminal' is played on non-stop loop at a Sarasota area mental hospital. The hair pulled out by the patients is then made into a weave.

-Snaddy Janette's Rice Wagon: You are stranded on an island for 1 week with the proper amount of food, but it is covered with human hair. From your fecal matter- the hair is extracted and then made into your own weave.

-Squid Cuisine: Pour 98 gallons of gasoline into a lake, and then torch. What floats to the top is sprinkled with hair and made into a weave because that's what I'm supposed to be talking about.

-Vertical Mooning: A weave made from the ass hair of Scandinavian hospital patients (extra for curls, extra extra for females, extra extra extra for disease free)

-Hope Springs Eternal: A weave is made with the pulpy material created by recycling all the foreclosed Blockbuster DVD copies of Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain MIXED with all the carpeting from MC Hammer's former estate

-Sternum Value: Hair is wrapped around a rib bone of YOUR choosing (Ribs provided by Wes' Poorly Guarded Orphan Cemetary - home of the saddest ghosts)

-The First 20 Seconds of a Pauly Shore Movie: Artist Banksy Follows You for 12 hours and then creates a weave that subtly mocks you while making you more relevant to pop culture

-Fudge Powder: A gopher snorts chinese spices and bath salts, and then sneezes on your head

-Half Price NAMBLA Orgy: all the above ones combined attached as fast as possible by midget with a blindfold while you are standing up (her fingers are the men to the hair of your boys)

Review: The Process In Which I Write

Let's not sugar coat this. I write this blog purely based on making myself write everyday. Why? Because I am super busy and want to add to that stress level. So, yeah, most of the time- I literally crank out a blog entry. I take a giant lever, internally push my organs to one side, stick that lever about 14 inches deep into the non-organ side, and crank it until a blog post has been written. I have about 4 levers all approximately the same size. I keep them in the bathroom near the shower so I don't forget to wash them. They're about 6-10 pounds each, minimal rust.

The gaping hole in my side? Oh that's the beautiful part--- it's begun to build up immunity to the constant incision/penetration. This means it has begun to heal once the crank is within me, making it much harder to take out. This has made blog production much faster, and efficient. However, the quality has gone down. I assume this is due to my focusing on the pain and constantly worry of infection.

I hope you enjoyed this look into the way I write. I hope I inspired any young writers out there who googled the words "Baby Dare Devil" to not focus on the constraints of creativity- but to revel in the freedom of induced pain and rapid scabbing. This is my gift to you (gift not liable for any blood-loss, blood staining, or blood-increase).