Let'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGE OF!:Total Recall

Click Picture to be Taken to IMDB page

Quick Refresher:

Sandwiched between "this is a good idea" of Twins and the "this is the best idea" of Kindergarten Cop, Total Recall is the 1990 movie that established that Arnold Schwarzenegger will make us money. The plot revolved around space, the future, mutants, aliens, and Arnold not knowing who he is. The plot didn't really matter though because there was so much unnecessary violence.

A Quick Glance Over:

The top of the page offers us 5 trailers. That means they used 5 different arguments to try and get you to watch this movie. We also see that Total Recall was "inspired" by a Philip K. Dick short story. There are 2 Oscar nomination (one of which was a win) to the movie's credit. Also the director has a foriegn name. All these factors have led me to believe that this was an actual good movie of its time. Looking at the state of special effects and of Arnold himself today--- WTF?

Let's Look at the Careers of:

We all know Arnold and Sharon Stone. But there is a longer list of people who never capitalized on being in a summer blockbuster set on Mars.

Rachel Ticotin, was Melina, the love interest. She went on to play many Spanish women roles in a whole bunch of crap. Just look at her character names on IMDB- Laura Martinez, Maria Chavez, Vangie Gonzalez, Teresa Cortez, Carmen's Mom, Nancy's Masseuse. This coming from one of the 12 most promising actor's of 1981 and the mother of David Caruso's child.

Michael Ironside plays a classic Sci Fi villain. In fact he always does. In over 190 acting credits, I can't seem to find him prevalent in anything. He does get some points for being in Jo Jo Dancer Your Life is Calling and the movie McBain starring Christopher Walken that was less popular than the Simpson's character of the same name.

Mel Johnson Jr played turncoat cabbie Benny. His scenes added much needed panache and flavor to the balloon screeching lilt of Arnold's voice. Pretty big role where he got to do some chase scenes. How did he squander it? By never doing anything. His last credit was 2004 in the awesomely titled In The Shadows of the Cobra. But I did learn that in 1991 they tried a Munsters reboot which he has a credit too.

Debbie Lee Carrington played the midget prostitute I couldn't help but look up. Let's just list: munchkin, ewok, additional duck, little bigfoot, garbage pail kid, countless aliens, Mickey's girlfriend on Seinfeld, an Emporer Penguin, creature, elf, and Frankenturkey.

Money Shot! The 3 breasted woman played by Lycia Naff. Did she ever outshine the stigma of having three breasts? No! You would've heard of her. She has a daytime Emmy nom for an ABC afterschool special, hosted an infomercial with Roger Daltry, and played herself on Denise Richard's reality TV show which exists.

Ah Johnny Cab, voiced by Robert Picardo. Picardo might be the best actor of this bunch here. You should recognize him as Coach Cutlip from the Wonder Years, but he also has other stuff you've heard of but don't watch to his credit. According to IMDB he is 5'10"

15 Minutes into the page:

-Why is this gallery in black and white? (We also see that the better posters do not feature Arnold.)

-Trivia tells us the body count is 77, this originally got an X rating, I wish this was a Cronenberg film, and that the original producers went bankrupt and Arnold basically hand-picked the new ones. If this doesn't tell you that the movie is ultimately shitty, nothing will.

-Parental Guides on IMDB are pretty lame looking. But it is fun to see that 'fuck' is said 28 times.

-If you want to make your suicide go slower. I suggest reading the goofs page. This is a combination of nerdiness, know-it-all-ism, inability to suspend disbelief, and questioning why someone would pay any close attention to anything. Example: "Errors in geography: The exterior shots of Mars depicts the Martian sky as having either a dark orange or deep crimson color to it. In reality, the Martian sky is not as deeply colored, and actually a light pink or light orange color at times."

-Quick facts: There were 3 original songs on the soundtrack that no one should own; the credits say blatanly, "Play the Total Recall game by Acclaim"; In the German Version the "Johnny Cab"-Robot is making a loud belching sound instead of saying "Hell of a day, isn't it ?" This is possibly an in-joke by the dubbing studio.; the porno is called Total Reball; And this movie might actually make a decent remake.

People are THE BEST:

In the messageboards, user mikekaraoke23 is perplexed that the movie says by the difference of 1989 and 1990, not knowing whether to make this an 80s movie or a 90s movie. Despite the fact that it was released in 1990, mikekaraoke23 simply wants 1989 to have the credit because that when Total Recall was filmed, he sites his RoboCop VHS and knowledge of the film 'Ghost' as examples. Another user rationally explains to mikekaraoke23 that post-production and marketing are all part of the process, and that the film's year is when it is seen by the audience. But mikekaraoke23 thought of something, and since he thought of it, he is right and uses super specific knowledge on the film 'Ghost' to establish as much so.

Also in messageboards, fans played a game where they created a thread where everyone says 'This post was deleted because..." and I randomly found this one.

I also found a thread remarking on Sharon Stone's Sweat, with 3 creepy horny replys. I clicked on one, Gridoon, and found his movie reviews to be charming. He seems to like the psuedo-porn sci-fi genre, mixed with some Abbott and Costello slap-stick, and for some reason works involving Agatha Christie. On page 21 of his reviews, I found his love of Shannon Tweed and the hatred of movies she was in: "you don't expect a woman who made a name for herself by starring in countless soft-core erotic thrillers to be a convincing fighter, but somehow Tweed is."

Final Thoughts:

Holy Shit. Looking at this page as much as I did felt like making a brick squirt brick juice. I feel like I just backwards learned the process in which to suck out one's brain with a vacuum, which means blowing it in through my ass. Total Recall is kind of a great movie if you forget about taste and want violence and haven't seen a movie since 1990. I covered it because it kind of is a guilty pleasure, and I wondered what happened to Benny. Now, after seeing how seriously this movie took itself, and how much people actually see it as a viable film? Fucking noonan to this. I am only going to watch this movie one more time because Arnold himself does the audio commentary. His voice is funny.

We Got Lucky! Vol. 1 Pt. 3

So the last hour of the VHS tape I found was 2 episodes of the soap opera Passions. This spoke more of the easy access Passions allowed to teenage viewers. Because Passions was a crazy show. Passions would break the fourth wall a lot, have their characters be in Oz for no reason, not inform anyone that a dream was occuring, had a plot where a character would takeover the world using the Pope's chalice, and oh so many rape scenes. In fact, the 2005 season is known as The Year of the Rape. I believe they had Abraham Lincoln rape somebody, but it might have been consensual. The story lines were so obtuse and deranged, that any casual viewer could be sucked right into the trap of watching this Soap Opera. Which was fine, because they had an evil small person who assisted a witch.

Needless to say, I couldn't get into Passions. I'd like to think that is because I grew up some, but it probably had more to do with me just having to endure Growing Pains and 1998 MTV. I couldn't sit through soap opera schlock. It is interesting to note that this tape was from a high school freshman girl in the minor out lying suburbs of Pittsburgh. These shows had much of an impact on a developing mind that they required to be taped. A pre-fame Leonardo DiCaprio, a in the moment Jesse Camp, and the self indulgence of Passions- all have a common thread in their artistry: off kilter. Seeing Leo on Growing Pains is more weird than anything (look where he is now and look how 80s Growing Pains was), while Jesse Camp and Passions are just balls of weird wax in their own right. Was this a teenager identifying with not normal subject matter, or the marketing of such eccentricity at work? I think this was just taken what you are given, and then finding the real reason to watch. Given Growing Pains, I would hunt out the weirder moments of the show, and of course Jesse Camp was the best thing on MTV during his day. Passions stood out above all the other sitcoms, especially for teens, because- well- it tried to. This tape was the surface being scratched, the look to escape modern trends and to blaze a uniquely their own path of TV watching. Or it was just a tape that never got taped over again. Either way, I'm like eh.

We Got Lucky! Vol. 1 Pt. 2

Hahaha. After the Growing Pains portion of this found VHS tape was an hour long episode of Say What? Karaoke when MTV was in Seaside, NJ for their summers for some reason.

Now I was in Junior High when this happened, and looking back on this- no one should've cared at all about MTV programming. I thought being a karaoke champion meant something, but really all it means is that you helped fill programming to junior high kids thinking they were cool. It worked because it was cool because Jesse Camp. Before I get to Jesse, the judges were Matt Pinfield, some fashion semi celebrity who had a dog, and a mildly drunk Ed Lover. It was hosted by the already mentioned Jesse Camp, who is always in vintage form, and Carson Daly, who had to deal with Jesse Camp in vintage form.

Jesse Camp was by far the best thing on MTV when he was on MTV. For example, when he had to read from his cue cards, he paused, though about where it was, pulled it out from his pocket, unfolded it and slowly read it. Carson, who professionally held his cue cards, said "Right from your pocket huh?" When Carson would ask Jesse what he thought about the performers, Jesse would either say "That was something else" or "That, that was great". Jesse was also in charge of the audition interviews, so he knew some of the karaoke performers before the show and clearly played favorites with them. Sometimes Carson would chide Jesse and say something mean yet truthful, prompting Jesse to say "aw c'mon man". It really was a wonderful thing that when MTV let people vote on who would be a VJ- the winner turned out to be a wonderfully unprofessional stoner who concentrated more on looks and didn't really grasp where he was or who he was talking to.

For example, the tape then went to I Wanna Be A Spice Girl, which again- was MTV filler time where they had idiots sing Spice Girls songs because Ginger Spice left the Spice Girls. Jesse was again the audition correspondent, and when some people would sing the songs and forget the words, Jesse would join in and sing "Bop zoppa doo zop, zippa doppa doo dop". That's just great.

For more of whatever I'm talking about, be around tomorrow.

We Got Lucky! Vol. 1 Pt. 1

WE GOT LUCKY! As I was cleaning the giant stack of VHS tapes we've accumulated in our apartment, there was one in the pile that my wife had taped when she was a teen. Neither of us knew we had this, so naturally I put the tape in as means of background fodder for me to continue cleaning. And oh- did this tape suck me in.

The calender year was of 1998. This tape included: episodes of Growing Pains that strongly feature Leo DiCapz as the kid Mike Seaver loved like a brother or some shit like that. Very little Ashley Johnson's Chrissy in these episodes and Ben, who I fucking hate, dealt with a bully. And these were taped of Zoog Disney.

It was interesting to study Leo DiCapz knowing full well what he would become. Did he flash those shades of brilliance? If I mean good looks, than yeah. Acting-wise: meh. My theory on the Leo DiCapz acting train is that the man emanates leading man musk. He was great in The Aviator, and hit us with his best shots in the banner year of Blood Diamond/The Departed. Plus I just saw him the day before in Intercepticon. He sure does act in Growing Pains. He's not funny by any means, and when his character, Luke, tells a joke- he does so by smiling. Leo goes for more real reaching, which is very welcomed over the punctuated acting of that fuckhole Ben. There were 3 episodes, and one of them was Leo's send-off episode where we meet his truck driving no good dad. Blah blah blah. Alan Thicke drives a truck. It is simple to note, that Growing Pains is all about Mike Seaver- and watching these episodes made me realize why I shouldn't care about Growing Pains- because it revolves around this young adult who schemes while he grows up. Leo stole the show, but really because it was before he was famous. Also his character was a homeless kid.

There was also a bunch of "why did they choose to do this" disney channel commercials. Like interviews of 7 year olds about their Christmas traditions, and horrible representations of popular shows like Bug Juice and accurately horrible ones of the Famous Jett Jackson. But really- this is just the tip of the Iceberg. This was a 5 hour tape, and I just covered 1 and a half. This tape gets better. Better than our first glimpses of Leonardo DiCaprio on a classic 80s sitcom better.

Review: Inception - NO SPOILERS

To make super sure none of this movie is spoiled for anyone, even though it is 3 weeks old by now, I went over this review and took out all unnecessary information

Inception is a .... ...... .... .......... ...... .... .......... ..........has .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... of .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... movie. .... .......... .......... .......... .......... this.......... .......... .......... .......... ...... .... ...... .... ...... .... ...... .... .......... ...... .... .......... .......... ...... .... .......... ...... .... ...... .... ...... .... ....... Christopher Nolan directs .... ...... .... ...... Leo DiCapz has a goatee and is leading man 101. .... ...... .... ...... .... ...... other actors. .... ...... .... ...... didn't even want Ellen Page to give a baby she had to Jennifer Garner .... ...... .... ...... Tom Hardy is omg mega cuter than JGL. Maybe I should've said mecca cuter. If only because talking about superficial aspects of the movie reveals no spoilers. .... ...... .... ...... .... ...... I guess would be attracted to Marion Cotillard. .... .......... ...... .... ...... .... in .......... .......... .......... .... when ...... .......... .......... .......... is .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... to .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... a .......... .......... .......... is .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... .......... ...... There are no .... ......, .... ......, .... ......, .... ...... .... ...... .... ......, .... .......... ......., .... , or Weird Al Yankovic songs in this movie. But maybe saying what isn't in the movie is kind of a spoiler. I'll have to go back and look at those more intently (NOTE: I did, I left Weird Al because I am alright if you are disappointed there is no Inception Lady Gaga parody song... yet). .... .......... ...... this .... .......... ...... .... .......... .......... ...... Overall .... ...... .... ...... .... ......

Looking back this was a stupid idea along the lines of Pet Rock and your birth. I just insulted you because I am lashing out for a lazy interested. At least I admitted it.