Review: Jokes on Popsicle Sticks

Welcome to Dumb Review's theme week: 'Marketing Ice Cream Novelities'. Ice Cream is generally considered a treat, but getting us to buy a certain ice cream, well, that's a trick. Trick and Treat, so Marketing Ice Cream is basically Halloween's bastard older brother who makes fun of Halloween in the cafeteria in front of Halloween's girlfriend. SO- today's topic: Jokes on Popsicle Sticks.

Age 5

"Hey there is something written on my possicle... it's a what- a joke? I was just here to eat, but sure, I love to laugh as much as the next kindergartner. 'wh-wh-what. ha-s. wheeeels? and a. truu-nk. but, no, en- en- engyn? Oh- engine. wheels and a trunk but no engine? I don't know. Oh my a crowd of my peers has crowded around me and now eagerly awaits the answer. What could it be? (bite, chew, chew, chew) A car has an engine. (bite, chew, chew, chew) What's a trunk again? (bite, chew, chew, chew) I just wanted a snack but now, this anxiety of what has wheel, a trunk. but no engine? (bite, chew, chew, chew) I see some word- lades? (bite, chew, chew, chew) There's more! (bite, chew, chew, chew) I can read it now everyone (bite, chew, chew, chew)- An elephant on roller blades! HAHHAAHA. Trunks and wheels! No engine! Elephant! Wow, I am glad we all could share in such a moment. Jokes on popsicles are the best!"

Age 10

"Hey guys- I got a popsicle and it has a joke on it! But please calm down, as I have learned over the course of my life to savor the popsicle and then enjoy the joke afterwards. I just don't like turning my popsicle to the side too much to read the joke. It compromises the popsicle juices. Hey- have I ever (bite, chew, chew, chew) told you about the time they put the stick in the wrong end? And (bite, chew, chew, chew) the answer was show and I had to (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) guess the question.... YES IT DID HAPPEN BRADLEY. (bite, chew, chew, chew)(bite, chew, chew, chew)(bite, chew, chew, chew). OK, (big gulp swallow) What did the dentist give the marching band?... A tuba toothpaste! That's a good one.... Nuh uh shut up Bradley.... No they aren't, jokes on popsicle sticks are cool!"

Age 16

"Oh man, another stupid joke on the popsicle... 'How do pigs talk?' Pig Latin duh. Man these are so lame. Hey guys- How do pigs talk? (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) That's what I said. They are so easy. We know everything. (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew). What? 'Swine Language'? That's lamer than pig latin. Jokes on popsicle sticks are so gay."

Age 24

"Oooh these popsicles have jokes on them! They are always involve elephants or talking food, and they're always so stupid I love em. I haven't had a popsicle of these in like 5 years. Eh, this one is red- you want this one?... C'mon I already opened it and I wanted a blue one... Fine. Ok. 'What did the macaroni say to the tomato?' Eh. (bite, chew, chew, chew) Probably something like about pasta.(bite, chew, chew, chew) Yeah, you think so? (bite, chew, chew, chew) Where would the mouth be on the macaroni- the open end or on the base? (bite, chew, chew, chew) (bite, chew, chew, chew) Popsicles aren't as good as I remember. (bite, chew, chew, chew) OK- 'Don't Get Saucy with me.' You were close. Man, liking jokes on popsicles is so ironic."

Age 78

"'Why did the atoms run away?' (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums) (bites, gums gums gums). It was time to split.... I miss all my friends, Jokes on popsicle sticks are a classic institution that bring about feelings of nostalgia as well as develop the minds of our counter culture youth."

We always have to read the jokes because who doesn't like jokes, even bad ones you look at out of morbid curiosity. It's wasteful not to. Very clever popsicle industry, you stranglehold lives on through generations.

A Call to Rise Up against Jokes made at the expense of Schindler's List

Not trying to offend any one here

There is a type of person who exists. That person, out of safety, refuses to expand their repertoire. They have found a gold goose, and yes they do use it sparingly, but deep down they know. They know they are cheating themselves. They know they can do better. I was once one of these people. This is my story.

This isn't actually a story, that line is just great for transitions. The type of person in question is: People Who Use Schindler's List for an easy laugh. A quick joke, nothing too elaborate. Easy laugh stuff. Like:

"Let's watch something fun, and light hearted"

"How about Schindler's List?"

Haha Haha Ha.

"What is that one movie where Julia Roberts can't seem to find the right guy?"

"Schindler's List"

Haha Ha Haha.

Two examples. Yes, that joke can be funny because it is funny to say something out of context and catch someone off guard with it. But c'mon. That's too easy. Schindler's List? Just because you grew up in the 90s doesn't mean you have to limit yourself. I get it, I get it. I was there. It's not that you can't think of any other depressing movies, it's that you're afraid people won't get the reference if you choose another movie. Schindler's List is classically depressing because even if you haven't seen it, you were told it was. I'm concerned about the joker's health. To have such a gut reaction joke in your hands is always disconcerting ground, especially if you use it more than once. But to have that joke based on something so easy as Schindler's List? That's right- it's an easy movie to reference. And you know what- its earned that right. Titanic, Star Wars, Godfather, hell- we are currently in the golden age of Avatar jokes. And all these jokes have been done to death, but you think- surely not Schindler's List. No one makes fun of that because of its sensitive matter. No- no one parodies it because holocaust parodies are done before. You are making FUN of it by applying it to your slick sense of humor. Make FUN, don't continue previous fun. In those 2 examples, the high road to take would be to attack the words of what the person is saying. "Fun and Light Hearted- you just described literally half the movies in the world." "I don't know, I only saw the Julia Roberts movie where she gets fist fucked." See? This isn't just a plea specifically not to make Schindler's List jokes, but to not repeat them. You know who you are. The best part of making fun of something is the actually making. The fun comes naturally to it.