Review: Waiting for It

You can take "waiting for it" many different ways. I am expressing the joke aspect of waiting for it. So....

Wait for it.....

Conan was always the best because he added and heightened the comedy and never left you hanging. So much respect for being so silly. And he got us there.

So now I'm using a 'wait for it' as means of excitement levels, because Conan O'Brien is back this Monday.

It's important. It's important to have someone this open-minded to silly in charge of things on TV. Just wait for it.

Review: Cancer Patients

Real life, man. Real life like when a famous basketball player (known for intensity and trash talk) calls another basketball player (known for having Alopecia and kind of sucking) a "cancer patient".

That hits. That gets around. That is beyond a game that you as a millionaire are playing. That's real life.

Notice I've said real life, 4 times now (I included just now). 'Real life' is a term I am using to mean up to interpretation. Which is another way of me saying- yeah, most people would be offended by this, but I'm not. I'm not saying people who are offended have no sense of humor... I'm saying they have a different one. So as politely as I can say it- go fuck yourself.

Kevin Garnett called Charlie Villanueva (pictured above with an actual cancer patient) a cancer patient. I laughed at this. Why? Because Real Life is hilarious.

Look Kevin Garnett says things because why wouldn't he. He barked and crawled on all 4s once. And now he called someone a Cancer Patient. He shouldn't have- OK. He's a public figure- blah blah blah. I'm fine with it. I believe his insult was intended to mean Charlie Villlanueva looks like a cancer patient because he's bald with no eyebrows. Now cancer patients know they are bald. And no one is denying that bald cancer patients exist. And Charlie Villanueva does look weak and frail and his alopecia shaved head looks closer to Chemo treatment than most other shaved heads. But there- I said it "weak and frail"-- am I not supposed to remind people that cancer patients are weak? They have it hard enough without stating the obvious, huh?

Well fuck that. Cancer Patients are people. And as people they deal with things differently. They survive, they get through. They don't care about what I say and they shouldn't care about what Kevin Garnett says. If they do- then I'm sorry. I'm sorry they took to the time to read a blog post labeled Cancer Patients on a site called Dumb Reviews. I'm sorry they like sports as much as they do. I'm sorry they don't have anything else to do. Kevin Garnett telling a shitty basketball player he looks like a cancer patient is Kevin Garnett telling a shitty basketball player he's not as good a basketball player as he is.

Being a cancer patient sucks. I don't know why we have to tip toe around that. Do you appreciate that Cancer patients? Being told that you're offended because something awful happened to you? Do you not know that you having cancer would make anyone less skilled at basketball than if they were healthy? Should we call people 'rape victims' instead?

I don't know why most people are easily offended. My guess is they like to talk and draw the attention to themselves. I don't know why there is cancer. My guess is because of all the horrible food people eat. I don't know why Kevin Garnett is so good at defense. My guess is his height and athleticism. I know what I am- I just am that type of guy to laugh at a nutcase basketball player calling another basketball player a Cancer Patient.

WAY TO READ A LINE: Danny Pudi in Community "Epidemiology"

Community has been the most fun on TV for the past 2 weeks. They hit you with the heavy hand of their 'Jesus' episode, and then follow it up with and go 'Zombie'. And it feels right to quantify each episode with one word, because Community has deftly parodied and subtlety become that short-handed and familiar of a TV show. The one character that sums that up, for better and acknowledged for worse, is Abed.

Now I said Community is a fun show. Fun is pretty much all you can ask from a TV sitcom, and Community throws fun up all over your freshly washed sport coat. Part of the fun (of watching any TV show really) is having your expectations exceeded. Let me explain: The Big Bang Theory isn't funny because the characters are saying their jokes. There have a pattern of set-up and heighten. Say the jokes, pause for the laughter. It's fine. It's not fun though. Better TV shows serve their jokes.

Abed, as established from every episode, as established even in this episode, has a romanticized view of life shaped by movies. He is also established as smart and capable. So having this character in a zombie movie setting is such a treat. So when we're down to the last 2 survivors, and its the best friends who have been arguing, the best friends who we recognize as the more comedic relief of the ensemble- we get to expect something.

"Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end."

We get an Abed movie zinger- a classic stereotype of horror movies that of course Abed recognizes in this situation. We get an emotional resolution to the Troy-Abed nerd dispute- Abed means his words- he wants Troy to succeed, he wants the school to be saved (Abed after all did bring up changing the temperature most out of all the characters), and- because we know Abed- he really wanted to say that line. All that in one line. In a zombie episode.

So sure, I took a cheap shot at Big Bang Theory... they could say this line and make it their own. Hell, I'm sure they had a similar line to this one. But no, they didn't have the emotional core to it. And no, they sure didn't do it in a zombie episode. That was set to Abba music. That played it totally straight. They would say the joke. They wouldn't serve it.

Also in this episode The Dean had heavy cream (not for drinking) on his grocery list.

What I Wouldn't Give For: an armrest

I am sitting. I am sitting as a bird flies without wind. I am sitting spilling out of the chair. Unencumbered my limbs are, claiming personal space and ruggedly braving the elements of unconfined. I could brush up against this man's arm and claim his arm space for the kingdom my my arm. He very well could hock his burly arm to seize my area. His arm is more hirsute than mine.

I am sitting with antsy elbows. Gravity has gotten the best of them, and they can't rest- points digging- in my lap much longer. No these elbows shouldn't be touching me at all. These elbows are dangerous and should be treated as such. These elbows need to stop, these elbows need an anchor. These elbows, oblivious to reason.

Though this chair reaches basic chair requirements- sitting on it- this chair is not comfortable. It does not have the nestled-in, the at-ease feeling of sitting. This chair makes me judgmental. This chair makes me detached. This chair is not the chair for me.

The day has been long, my arms have been used. These arms. These arms that hold my hands, these arms that hold certain muscles, these arms that itch under certain sweaters. These arms are tired, this chair helps them none.

O- what I wouldn't give for an armrest.

Review: Cold Hammers

Hot Hammers are fine. Sure sure sure. In fact, if I was torturing someone- I'd go with a hot hammer. But the time for torturing has passed (thank you Saw franchise) and for the sake of getting work done, give me a cold hammer.

A cold hammer is more honest. More determined. More loud. Hot hammers lie, get by on looks, and are less loud. A cold hammer is less likely to melt, a hot hammer is more likely to reference an MC. When I think of cold hammers, I think of forging, and of hard steel. When I think of hot hammers I think of less forging, and not as hard of steel.

The basic aesthetic difference between the hot and the cold hammer, much like all temperature differences, is simple. So simple, in fact, that I'm not stating such an obvious aesthetic difference. Instead I am going to say it is the difference between the Civil War and a civil war within another, more warmer country. Or the difference between a blizzard in Canada, and a blizzard in Carolina. Or Tea and Iced Tea.