Review: A Cigar Box

A container, re: box, whose intentions are to hold cigars for keeping. I would think a cigar vault, or cigar glass case would do the trick. But throughout history, we have, er someone has, trusted their cigars to a box. Nothing wrong with that, boxes are great and they can withstand some water. But the beauty of the cigar box is in its most simplest attribute. The name itself- cigar box- is wonderfully constructed. The soft c making an s sound followed resoundingly by a harsh G and R. ci-GAR. If you add the ette to it, it makes the whole package smaller and more dainty. But left alone we are left with a champion of a word- cigar, which we follow up with a mouth widening box sound. Two booms after a soft c opening. Cigar Box. Box as a word is very plain and drums up nary an emotion. When coupled with cigar it has a whole new meaning and a definitive shape. Cigar box. No weight of the world crashing down, no demonstrative clinging, just a cigar box. Ernie's friend Bert kept his paper clips in his, while Grandpa Simpson kept a gun in one. The range of the contents of a cigar box are boundless, but the outside, the first glance- you are cigar box. You are intrigue. You have cigar.

Review: Visioneers

A character that has to golf because that is what people do of your stature even though they are clearly horrible at at golf- played hilariously over the top for artistic merit. We are in the hey day of the special career of Zach Galifianakis. We love him, and now our middle American relatives also love him thanks to his heavy weight performance in existing movie- The Hangover. Zach has always been cool. Like Really Cool. I'm not joking. He still will remain cool even after we are disappointed with Saturday Night Live on March 6.

What makes him cool is the commitment of his persona. I can wax intellectual all day on this, but usually that persona is relegated to perverse use of his energetic comedy, which has brought us such classic characters as the two ferns host and Tairy Greene. This is about Visioneers, where Zach undertakes and executes brilliantly an expanding role- which starts out reveling in the mundane of his normal, crushed spirit every day living , and through self realization and the burden of suppression (very hard things to portray realisticly on screen especially stretched out in a comedy) we are taken to higher places where the audience can relate its own fears and regrets and be inspired. Maybe that's too much hype up for a movie where, I feel, the newer Zach fans won't get as much. Not to sell them short, but a non thinking audience will just see this movie as random things happening, and not look at the context at what makes Visioneers a special movie. There are 'quirky' (a much buzzed about it word in 2010 Hollywod) things in this movie, but played so seriously and not a note of overt cutenees. In this world, there exists a business in the fear of exploding, which gives us such gems as a fried chicken jingle, a dream helmet with attached model planets, and books that are simply lists. Each thing when listed down, sound random, but in the context of the movie are very sincere. Visioneers have a lot of literal jokes, the whole middle finger salutes, but these are played subtly enough to enjoy. And the story can be summed up by saying 'black futuristic comedy where the lead character breaks free' but within that context lies such crushed spirit and awful yet humourous looks at that future, that the movie leaves room for a heavier message of not to be too self centered, to listen to what we really want, and to really be happy we have to try and be happy (which they do explicitly say at a point, also the life sucking corporation is named Jeffers, after poet Robinson Jeffers who they also quote, very amicably though). OK, these are dumb reviews and I jump around a lot in me making these points, and there are a lot of points to make about a movie entrenched in the depthness of finding happiness and breaking free. But I think reviews are dumb, and don't really care about making sense or about you audience. I just like being impressed. And I love when people get a chance to expand their abilities. And I love the movie Brazil, which Visioneers does a great job in finding a new vein to pump blood out of these Orwellian futures. I was saving Orwellian.

The final point here is Zach Galifianakis can make your movie work. I really can't imagine anyone else who would be able to be so grounded in the world where pretty "kooky" or "zany" things happen and make those things also seem grounded, real, and consternating. Was saving that word too. Way better than Heart Beeps, and it took a lot for me to say that.

Reviewing: Taking my coat off while walking up the stairs

Sorry if you thought I could find a picture for this. But I really could but didn't want to spoil you because you look to comfortable. COMFORT - segue - the kind of comfort of accomplishment. Now I only recently started taking my coat off while walking up the 4 floors to my apartment. Before I would open the door and take my coat off. This time adds up as I have to deal with an excited to see me dog. Also the walking up plus the heaviness of the jacket leads to a winded patch of breathing. So, by taking my coat off while walking up the stairs I save time. I also have something to do while walking up the stairs. That does get boring. I usually notice garbage people leave (mostly cigarette butts mostly- one time a lot of mesh). So it makes going up the stairs seem faster. We are at win win. But the most satisfying aspect is feeling like I'm home. Like when Mr. Rogers would change his clothes as part of the routine of being home. The routine of being home sounds daunting and suburbanly crushing, but I happen to look forward to it because I love my family- HA! I also drape my coat over my arm like they do in Mad Men. So, yes, another great decision made by me, a great man. Thank you for your patience. Please contribute to my blog my digging a hole in an inappropriate place (ie baseball field) and burying something valuable wrapped in a condom and telling me about it in 6 years.

Review: The Kingdom Chums in "The Original Top Ten"

Their eyes are penetrating your penis' soul's penis

That was a mean tag line under the picture. I should've been more playful and said "this is the best picture I could find." After all, I am in the presence of those who have been in the presence kind-of of Jesus. These are the Kingdom Chums who are quote "descendants of the animals who viewed the miracles of Jesus". Now anything that has these bright of colors and this cute usage of animals is going to win over most children. This broad net of blatant children's crap is being marketed by Christianity. I would make fun of anything that has this much usage of rainbows for no reason. There is a special feeling that comes out when watching a religious cartoon or anything religious for kids that just brings out the cynic in me. The Kingdom Chums is the height of that special adaptation of christian morals because here they don't even bother with any bearded men or long exchanges of dialogue, here they simply made a children's program based on several key elements in children's marketing: fuzziness, warmth, rainbows, being happy, singing, a clear lesson to learn, and the idea that love is an actual thing and it can make everything ok.

The Kingdom Chums were so popular a hit of christianity thru homevideo that it was even shown on ABC on Saturday afternoons. This was so blatantly about making money that even Children's Programming Executives wanted to make some of that money, God be damned. Let's say some facts: The ten commandments are shown by soft creatures (animals resembling lions, foxes, raccoons, teddy bears- but walk on their legs and have huge eyes) through catchy songs that replace key plot points. The lion looks like Michael McDonald crossed with Simba and sings on a cliff that waves crash into while wind blows in his hair (this is how they show that this particular song should be taken seriously). The wackier commandment song are sun by the happy black guy voice tiger who tells us to STOP STOP STOP before we steal, Don't be jealous (can't you see) there's no place for jealousy, and IDOLS (beat) IDOLS, blah blah blah BLAH IDOLS. There are 3 more annoying talking, dressed animals. 2 are girls for the girls and one is a baby raccoon who is cute for the sexually confused. They all bring us catchy choruses that say certain words loud as to remember the 10 commandments (personal fave: MURDER, because the setting is an ice mountain for some reason).

Now we are taken on this journey by these kids. These 10 commandants to be learned kids, which there are 3 of. A nerdier red headed boy named Petey who loves collecting rock n roll records because that's what kids do. His catch phrase is 'Un-be-leivable". He has a little sister who provides the gateway into Kindom Chum land because she is pure of heart because she is a little girl who believes. She is like 5 years old, and doesn't realize she has to grow up. She carries around an ugly green (really ugly) heart-shaped bag the whole time that serves to keep score of the 10 commandment competition between Petey and the Antagonist, Osbourne. Oh, the antagonist. At first he plays the realist, questioning the legitimacy of being carried by a rainbow, abut after about 5 commandments he finally gets that being mean is making him lose the competition. Osbourn's relationship to the other kids is never explained in the beginning, actually. He is just shown as someone who was mean. Then, after realizing that he shouldn't murder he does the ol' 180.

You can view this by typing Kingdom Chums Top Ten into youtube or google video. And please do, because this was shown to kids at small ages where they can believe any god damn thing. And sure, the bible has moral value, but HOLY SHIT when a child realizes what he was exposed to as a kid- this kind of stuff breeds resentment. This video, from its theme song called 'Following the Love Light" to the recognizable names cashing a pay check (Billy Preston- Tony Orlando- Marilyn Mcoo- Debbie Boone- Frankie Valli- Mayim Balik (Blossum- duh) whose playing a young boy!!, and the child actress providing the voice over for the little girl voice is Marnette Patterson, who followed those christian beliefs and went on to do this in a movie). I said all their names, because they all have blood on their hands. So- This is a fluffy, non threatening tape to show to kids, no question. But how safe can the filmmakers actually make something before they completely compromise their message? How can anyone water down everything so much and then still have the gall to say you have an intent to preach to me? How can they prey on innocent kids this easily? How can you promote Christian beliefs AND the belief rainbows are a solid actual thing you can touch?

My review: I know they can't help it but- children are idiots. They do, however, learn easily. There are little controllable people that can be taught whatever you want to teach them. This is a real thing that happened. This is what we thought of kids in a point of history. I am going to post the links so you can watch: SO WATCH IT.

Review: Not wanting to write a review aka LIST

The 10 best musical moments from The Office

(apologies to Scrantonicity):

10) CPR Training

9) Chair Model Lady -

8) Dunder Mifflin, Paper People -

7) Andy’s Ringtone -

6) Happy Birthday -

5) Lovefool -

4) Scranton, The Electric City -

3) Country Road

2) Andy asks Angela out -

1) Subtle Sexuality

And

Better than any of these or anything else ever) Sir David of Brent -