unscheduled post

Not Outlandish Statements Concerning David Alan Grier in Jumanji

Switching Robin Williams' and David Alan Grier's roles in Jumanji (the cop gets sucked into the fame, Alan Parish winds up a cop) would've made it a more interesting movie without sacrificing the Family/Adventure aspect of the film.

In the movie, his character Carl Bentley, invents the sneaker at a shoe factory and was called Soul (Sole?) Man. It is still within reason that Carl Bentley could've also invented the shutter shades, the fist bump, boomboxes, doo-rags, the black penis being larger stereotype, and self-confidence.

Carl Bentley doesn't have a partner because they would slow his roll.

The moustache David Alan Grier grew in Jumanji is now used to clean the bottom of steamer ships.

Jumanji was filmed in Keene, New Hampshire, making D.A.G. the first black person to get a paycheck in the state.

David Alan Grier is legally obligated to appear in a movie about a fake gameboard 6 more times before he retires. He was supposed to be in 'Zathura' but backed out when director Jon Favreau told him that the porno parody rights were sold to a small startup (he only supports established/union-member porn studios)

The Cross-Section Demographic of The Academy Awards and the NBA All-Star Game

I'd rather the title of this post to be "The Cross-Section Demographic of The Independent Spirit Awards and the NBA All-Star Saturday Night". Or "Grantland Demographic".

Options to watch tonight (2/26/2012 and no HBO means no Eastbound and Down) are the Oscars and the NBA All Star Game. There are pros and cons with each. I'll already tell you that I'm going to watch the Oscars and that it was an easy choice.

While both entail much scrutiny and speculation and have big stars, the All Star game is still just an exhibition. The Oscars are way more important, might have Nat Faxon give a speech, and offer some historic significance that I might have a chance to remember for upwards to 15 years.

NBA All Star games are great. They add to the legend of Glen Rice, are great for shoe watching, and made a great Tracy Jordan reference ("..having a daughter is like going to the NBA All Star weekend. It changes you. Makes you want to take your wife to the doctor"). Still, it means nothing. Michael Jordan plays 20 minutes max. Tom Gugliotta is still undervalued.

The scheduling of these 2 on the same night is still problematic. Which one will I live tweet? If this happens again in the future, what one will be more likely to have a Kevin Hart appearance? Or when Shaq gets an Oscar nod, where will he go then? The answers will always favor the Oscars.

QUALITY SNEEZE GUARDS

Mardi Gras 2012: the first Mardi Gras of 2012

The silence made when you peel off a scab. Peeel with 3 e's, wherein the third is feeling. A fling feeling, a flying feline, a freed fry. 

The pain associated with is the pain of association. I know you while you know you more than I know you. You know no nose, noses knew no knot. You don't look at people in the face, the face don't care about your denim jacket with the comfort lining. The house that was made from that jacket lured curious children with no manners to it because you leave candy in the pockets. Lifesavers aren't mints but you can spit them much farther.

"Love what you can when you don't know what you're capable of," pausing to exhale, "Fitter's Union." She never addressed us with heart like that again. The cheesy part says because it was broken, the cheezy part said it was she never had one to begin with. The real-life knows what I say to you and what I hang above you when you sleep.

Hunters, love thy gatherers.

Alonze Gee

Former Wizard-Spur-Wizard and current Cav(alier), Alonzo Gee is/was/forever will be the NBA Developmental League's Rookie of the Year for 2009–10, a title I just learned existed. My new nickname for Alonzo Fee is now "Learned Existed".

He'll shed that nickname, since he's getting decent burn (big bucket last night against the Pistons) on a surprising Cav(aliers) team. He started the last 2 games, scoring 9 in each, and boards well for a wing player.

He's an improving player, with a wide body, and the undrafted chip on his shoulder. My least favorite aspect of Gee is that he wears number 33 (c'mon get creative here). My favorite thing about him is his last name is Gee. Pronounced as G. Not as in rhymes with Lee. If he keeps at it in the league (looks like) I'll start calling him Zoagie (rhymes with hoagie).

The First 5 Minutes of "I Am Love"

As a big fan of getting stoned and watching Netflix Instant as I am, I really should have made a better choice than "I Am Love". Not that I am incapable of understanding emotion and nuance stoned, but more: I have to read subtitles.

I made it through the movie for the most part, and thought it to be really well-filmed and acted, but I didn't give the movie a fair enough shake due mostly to the fact that I was stoned. My haze didn't set in though until about 5 minutes in after giving reading subtitles a good shot before remembering to buy socks on eBay. I also bought a Nicholson Baker book for $3.

The first five minutes of "I Am Love" though? Wow. Great font choices. Really. The spacing of the letters for the 'Milan' title card really grasped me. I did get to hear some of the score by John Adams (hopefully THEE John Adams) which was pleasant and beautiful juxtaposed to the winter Italian scenery. Yeah, and: Who knew it snowed in Italy? Makes perfect sense though with mountains and distance from the equator and what not. 

I also remember there being a dining room scene in the first five minutes, which sent a tone for the familial aspects for the rest of the movie (of that I saw when I looked up from watching last night's Frankenhole). There were other things I noticed in the opening 5 minutes that might've been highlighted stronger in the movie had I been paying attention: the maid dressing pretty casually, how I liked the kitchens tiles, there was an old guy talking. 

However, how hot does Tilda Swinton look as a blond? I got distracted and googled that movie 'Young Adam' because she has that scene where a fly lands on her nipple. Her being hot though was a part of the movie, because I kept looking up from writing customer reviews for pencil cases to watch her sex scenes, of which there were at least 2. Maybe more.

I'd watch "I Am Love" not stoned. The ending made some sense, and I really like the anxiousness of that scene, which I think thats what it was going for. Overall- great movie to have on in the background while I write Jeremy Lin tweets, change my favorite TV shows on an online profile, and google what a hobo jungle is (it's a hobo party essentially). Really good first five minutes. First impressions are important. 

Theme Song: "Portlandia Opening Sequence"

Grounding the slapstick, fast-cut realm and pinpoint exaggeration of the characters that inhabit Portlandia, the "Portlandia Opening Sequence" shows us the lifestyles that base the show's core truth is parodying.  The cinematic images, the real life alternative people shown living in the city of Portland,  and the pulsing electronic beats of "Feel It All Around" by Washed Out works as the most serious 38 seconds of a wonderfully not serious show.

Traveling through Portland is seeing everything that exists that is not only ripe for parodying but helps punctuates the background of the Portlandia world. Vegetable Farms, Skate Parks, Doug Firs, bridges and suburbs, all things we relate with. An electronic instrumental act on Sub Pop Records plays in the background to invoke a time frame and a lived in vibe while saying that the people responsible for the silliness of this TV program are just smart, hip dudes (thus Washed Out now joins the ranks of Shadowy Men on A Shadowy Planet and Craig Wedren of Shudder to Think in the bands that have accomplished this for sketch shows).

The lasting image is of a draw bridge closing. Looking too much into this, we can see a metaphor that the real world of the "Portlandia Opening Sequence" is about to connect with the off-kilter world of Portlandia the show. Never seeing them connect shows that these two never fully connect and that Portlandia is a comedy not to be taken too seriously. However, that is looking too much into it. The smart, informed audience that Portlandia is targeted for are the audience who tend to look too much into things. Or is  the draw bridge closing nothing and the fact that they never connect is more of a fun little joke on people whose eyes are drawn to the image and anticipate the inevitable connection, an example of the humor and timely editing of the show itself? Is there even reason?

A Sweet Spot

Not the center of your shoulders being the middle of your back, but the central part of the shoulder. Not top center, not arm pit center, not shoulder blade central. The exact center of your shoulder's being. Which shoulder? Whatever arm you throw farther with. Measure the distances if you need to. Do it outdoors. At the same time.  Minimum two weeks apart, same weather conditions. If you can rent out a dome, that'd be perfect. If you can build a dome, that'd be beyond perfect and we'd think you're from space. If you're not from space, we'll send you to space because who doesn't want to live on a dome on Jupiter's Moon's Moon?  Dogs wouldn't because we won't let them poop outside, we'd be beyond that, we're moon gardeners and moon oncologists for christ's moon sakes. Christ's Moon is what I should call that sweet spot. The one in the direct center of your dominate shoulder. The opposite shoulder center we'll call Satan's Anus (or "say-tanus" for for short).

Review: Take Shelter

We, I, here at Dumb Reviews like to use our name literally. Here is a probably spoiler-filled review of Jeff Nichols' "Take Shelter" starring Michael Shannon (who stole the fucking show in "Revolutionary Road", supports the hell out of "Boardwalk Empire", and died in Delocated).

Michael Shannon plays Curtis. In the movie, Curtis looks up:

He also looks down.

Then looks up again.

There is more looking down.

But looking up takes precedent.

The movie builds emotion by having Curtis look down.

There is also emotion shown by looking up.

Down.

Up.

DOWN...

.... UP.

In all honesty, this was a very powerful movie. The kind of movie that should've netted Michael Shannon an Oscar nod, but was so far off from typical Hollywood that of course it wouldn't. The themes of mental illness and the strains it puts on relationships and oneself is portrayed very raw and real, and I imagine Jessica Chastain had a million more nuances to portray in this movie over 'The Help'. The sky plays a prominent role in this movie, so that really explains all the looking up. I kind of bullshitted the looking down, but what are you gonna do? This is just the dumb review of one the best movies of 2011. Thanks for playing, tell them what they've won...

What Defines Us: Troy's Back Pack

Troy Barnes: former high school quarterback whose injury during a keg flip helped land him in community college. Troy is a really sweet, good-natured guy who happens to believe that all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. That singular notion is an example of the simple mindedness of Troy. His is a very specific naiveté that is rooted in a romanticism of innocence. Troy's flaws are not only lovable, they're logical.

Take for example this scene from "Cooperative Calligraphy", where we go through the group member's personal belongings (a great way to get introspection on each of the characters):

What do we learn about Troy? Well, in his second year of college we now know that Troy sees fit to only bring a pillow with him to class. Earlier in the episode, when faced with the accusation of stealing Annie's pen, Troy responded "Why would I want your pen? I don't even want my own." Troy is ill-prepared to be a college student in terms of school supplies, but Troy knows what he needs to get by is the appearance of being prepared. Troy likely uses the pillow when the opportunity arises. Troy doesn't flaunt the pillow, he keeps it in a back pack. I imagine he keeps it in the backpack and lays his head down on the strap side when using it to rest in the back of a class. It's a simpleton's move to sleep in class, or even not to write down anything while being taught. But this is Greendale Community College, and Troy's awareness of his college leads him to this defining moment.

Jeff's assessment of : "You just became my hero," is met by a "Thank You." Troy, annoyed with the situation, still knows how awesome his pillow idea is. He knows that a throw-pillow was the perfect choice as much as he knows that the pillow will suffice for his day at Greendale. 

Troy's seemingly random moments make for great comedy in the fact that the randomness is met with a deeper, sometimes darker, sometimes sweeter development into his core character. A pillow in his back pack, can't meet LaVar Burton, "notches". Troy Barnes is one of the most simplest, complex characters on television today.

Half Circus

I never enjoyed the Half Circus. HATE the half circus, if I am being honest. Never has a place built up so little anticipation with the payoff being exuberant disappointment. It's like going out with model (not a super model), and they rape you. And they have bad breath. And uneven fingernails. And they spoil the ending of 'Hancock' to you, and you already forgot that movie existed. You're left confused.

At the half circus, they have clowns. But they don't wear make-up. They're just people walking around in clown outfits. Some of them smile, most of them don't smoke, and one of them does balloon animals. The balloon animals are, however, left incomplete. So what would be half a pony on their word only, is really a knotted balloon. It could come across as post-modern balloon animal art, but in reality I'd say it looks more like some kid's tongue who is trying to do that thing were kids make loops in their tongue but he recently had tongue surgery.

They have regular animals though. An elephant with no trunk. This is my favorite thing at the half circus. The elephant is very temperamental and suffers from phantom limb syndrome. Because of this they only show him for 20 seconds. At 700 feet away. The other animals include a dog that eats hot dog buns, a tape of real life lion's roaring, and boxing gloves for a kangaroo.

The acrobats at the Half Circus are famous for being the fattest acrobats in the world. They're not really that fat though. And they don't really do acrobatics in lieu of falling off of  5 foot ladders onto laundry. The half circus shoots a ma out of a can and the bearded lady shaves.

The Half Circus lasts a half hour and you're done after 10 minutes. They serve cotton and candy separately, the candy being only the wrappers of the candy and the cotton being the aforementioned laundry. However, I do feel obliged to help out the Half Circus, as their freak show are former medical deformities who can't function looking normal in the real world. They are addicted to the wrong kind of attention and therefore I have fathered children with 3 of them. The kids were born normally and also hate the Half Circus.

Lara Flynn Boyle

What of LFB? I'm not crazy familiar with her work and the movie films/TV show programs I've seen her in Lara Flynn Boyle seemed completely replaceable (Twin Peaks, Wayne's World, Happiness, Baby's Day Out, dating Jack Nicholson). The roles she is playing are simply: the hot 'Not-Blonde'. When she wore a ballerina outfit to the (of course it was the) Golden Globes, it screamed "not-blonde actress is trying to steal attention because she is no longer hot". Admittedly, it was a nice, try (for me to poop on). So why am I devoting my first blog post since my self-imposed blog exile (bloxile) to Lara Flynn Boyle?

NAME. Great freaking name. Sometimes its all you need in Hollywood to help your attractive self get noticed (Hayden Christensen). Lara is unique in that its not Laura. Flynn, besides being Walt Jr.'s nom de plume, is just a strong middle name. It really bridges the gap nicely, while adding a great sense of importance between any two things. Jelly Flynn Holocaust. Shitspread Flynn Bloodpiss. Vanilla Flynn Ice. Boyle is pretty horrible, which makes it perfect (and therefore not horrible) to follow the wonderful Flynn.

I want to help Lara Flynn Boyle. Since you've already associated the name with 'Hot Not Blonde'-ism, I suggest a name change. Not so much a change but a name amping-up/plea-for-attention. My suggestion: L.A. Fly Boy. ITS ALREADY IN YOUR NAME! How many people have awesome names already in their name? It'll come across as post-modern/gender defying/witticism on our increasingly hip-hop culture/hilarious. It's better than any of Diddy Dirty Money's changes, and on par with the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince. L.A. Fly Boy. That'll get you some juicy battered wife roles.